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The Road To Popehat: This Isn't Legal Advice Edition

October 25, 2017 by Ken White

It's time for the Road to Popehat, that feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and contemplate whether a North Korean warhead's continental EMP pulse would really be such a bad idea.

In today's edition, you have legal questions.

Writing an effective letter to a prosecutor Sit down. I have some bad news for you.

if we tell somebody her photo on facebook is ugly, is that libel or defamation RICO. Definitely RICO.

what happens when dea agents arrest u right there Put down the phone, man. They're going to tase you.

can you sue someone for calling you a miserable fucking cunt No, Mr. President, you can't.

in texas can a spouse file a defamation claim against a spouse You know, I'm not going to be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year. Sorry.

letter to the court apologizing on behalf of my friend for solicitation Your "friend" may want to run that letter past your "friend's" lawyer before sending it to the judge.

amputation penis judicial sentence See! Deterrence works!

Last 5 posts by Ken White

  • Now Posting At Substack - August 27th, 2020
  • The Fourth of July [rerun] - July 4th, 2020
  • All The President's Lawyers: No Bill Thrill? - September 19th, 2019
  • Over At Crime Story, A Post About the College Bribery Scandal - September 13th, 2019
  • All The President's Lawyers: - September 11th, 2019
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Filed Under: Fun Tagged With: Road To Popehat

Comments

  1. babs says

    October 25, 2017 at 10:40 am

    No, Mr. President, you can't.

    That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

  2. Cromulent Bloviator says

    October 25, 2017 at 12:39 pm

    If you want to write an effective letter to a prosecutor, just make sure it is a confession letter.

    Also, leave out half of what you really did so that when they add extra stuff you didn't do, it balances out.

    And while it is true you can't sue somebody for calling you "a miserable fucking cunt Mr President," you might be able to have them arrested because cops have immunity and don't have to start following the law until the court tells them to. And that's a later step.

  3. John says

    October 25, 2017 at 1:56 pm

    An "EMP pulse" wouldn't be so bad? No, it's actually twice as bad.

  4. Jander says

    October 25, 2017 at 3:03 pm

    I'm going to go out on a very long limb here and say that NONE of these originated from a DOJ IP.

  5. AlanF says

    October 25, 2017 at 3:48 pm

    Jander says

    I'm going to go out on a very long limb here and say that NONE of these originated from a DOJ IP.

    But at least two of them look like they came from the Whitehouse.

  6. Trent says

    October 25, 2017 at 4:08 pm

    And while it is true you can't sue somebody for calling you "a miserable fucking cunt Mr President," you might be able to have them arrested because cops have immunity and don't have to start following the law until the court tells them to.

    Not under the current administration, when the top law enforcement officer in the largest county in the US disobeys that court order, is convicted of criminal contempt of court and immediately pardoned by the President, because rule of law just isn't that important.

  7. I Was Anonymous says

    October 25, 2017 at 4:29 pm

    @John, an EMP Pulse would affect our ATM Machines so that they wouldn't work when we enter our PIN Numbers, mainly because it would fry their NIC Cards

  8. David says

    October 25, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    @I was Anonymous – I'm pretty sure we learned all that studying for our SAT tests.

  9. EMF says

    October 25, 2017 at 6:49 pm

    @Trent:
    15th largest. 5th largest in AZ. Plus nineteen AK county-equivalents.

  10. Cromulent Bloviator says

    October 25, 2017 at 8:19 pm

    @Trent

    Yeah, I spent at least 3 minutes trying to work that in but I couldn't find a way to do it without distracting from the joke. There is just too many fucked up things happening at the same time to cover it all.

    I'm still not really sure why pardons can be used against judicial punishments like criminal contempt, it seems to be an accusation by the Court not an accusation by the United States. I would think being pardoned for crimes committed against the United States would only count violations of federal law. For example, it doesn't apply to State charges. It seems to me that strictly reading the text would exclude not only State charges but also criminal contempt because isn't it a basic power of the Court? Doesn't federal code actually only limit the power of the Court in the ways it can punish contempt, rather than being the source of the authority?

    Well, if the Court doesn't mind entirely losing their ability to operate independent from the Executive Branch, who am I to complain? I guess 250 years of judicial authority were just a daydream.

  11. MawBTS says

    October 25, 2017 at 11:14 pm

    Sorry if this is below the blog's explanation threshold, but why is it a bad idea to write a letter to a prosecutor? Is this behavior commonly associated with crankish people? Or is there some other reason?

  12. Edward Brennan says

    October 26, 2017 at 12:20 am

    @MawBTS- read Ken's Post for Oct 24- "In Which My Identity is Sought by a Grand Jury Subpoena."

  13. En Passant says

    October 26, 2017 at 8:08 am

    MawBTS says October 25, 2017 at 11:14 pm:

    Sorry if this is below the blog's explanation threshold, but why is it a bad idea to write a letter to a prosecutor? Is this behavior commonly associated with crankish people? Or is there some other reason?

    In the words inspired by Miranda v. Arizona, 384 U.S. 436 (1966):

    Anything you say can, and will be, used against you.

  14. En Passant says

    October 26, 2017 at 8:23 am

    David says October 25, 2017 at 4:35 pm:

    @I was Anonymous – I'm pretty sure we learned all that studying for our SAT tests.

    Is that the test administered by the ETS service? Or do they just give the GRE exam?

  15. Fasolt says

    October 26, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    @MawBTS:

    Watch this video. A little long, but worth the time.

  16. Jon says

    October 26, 2017 at 11:15 pm

    @MAWbts &c.

    There's a cute little detail in there that while anything you say can and will be used against you, anything you say CANNOT be used FOR you. "Objection, hearsay" and off it goes…

  17. M B says

    October 29, 2017 at 3:45 am

    Well, you maybe could sue for harassment if your boss called you a cunt- but outside of the workplace, probably not.

    @MawBTS: Unless you get it just right, it tends to come off as "but my friend should be above the law because bros" or "isn't this law kinda stupid anyways" – neither of which makes a judge happy. Basically, always ask the lawyer first.

  18. LocoYokel says

    October 29, 2017 at 5:16 pm

    Pedantic Question of the day: What's an EMP Pulse? I know what an ElectroMagnetic Pulse is but I have no idea what a ElectroMagnetic Pulse Pulse is.

  19. Richard says

    October 30, 2017 at 9:20 am

    @LocoYokel: It only occurs when a nuclear strike is launched using ICBM missiles.

  20. David says

    October 30, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    Oh funny guy eh -Moe Howard

  21. En Passant says

    October 31, 2017 at 11:54 am

    Richard says October 30, 2017 at 9:20 am:

    @LocoYokel: It only occurs when a nuclear strike is launched using ICBM missiles.

    Weren't those limited after the SALT talks led to the START treaties?

  22. FlameCCT says

    October 31, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    I thought the START treaties were the "final countdown" for "the end of the world as we know it"…

  23. Fasolt says

    October 31, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    @FlameCCT:

    Don't get me STARTED.

  24. David Schwartz says

    November 1, 2017 at 11:15 am

    @LocoYokel: Your argument is an invocation of the etymological fallacy. That the word "EMP"'s etymology is from the words "Electromagnetic pulse" tells us literally nothing about what it means today and how to properly use it today.

    People make this same silly argument about "PIN number", "scuba gear" and "ATM machine" too, and it's equally silly. Just like "PIN", "scuba", and "ATM", "EMP" is a word that has its own meaning and there is no particular reason its meaning must remain precisely the same as the words from which it originated.

    Acronyms are words. Words evolve. There is no rule that says that a sentence must remain valid if you substitute for an acronym the words it originally stood for.

  25. speedwell says

    November 2, 2017 at 2:18 am

    While we're piling on with the non-legal advice a la David Schwartz, my morning came to a screeching halt when I read @En Passant's version of the Miranda quotation;

    Anything you say can, and will be, used against you.

    No, no, NO, En, it's "anything you say can, and will, be used against you".

    This sort of thing is why I don't work as a legal secretary anymore. Other reasons include:

    1. A lawyer for whom I worked as a freelance temp offered me a contract for the estimated four months' work. I read it thoroughly, noted a clause offering me a bonus after the first month, and signed. About midway through the third month I mentioned it, only to have the lawyer deny it was there. I showed him my copy and he exploded in fury and accusations that I had somehow forged the carbon copy of HIS document with my "high-level Microsoft Word skills". I asked him to check the copy in his file. He paid me the insignificant bonus (seriously, like eighty dollars) and called the cops to have me thrown out of the office.

    2. I had a prominent Houston lawyer for whom I was on a temp-to-perm contract literally reach into my desk while I was sitting at it working, paw through the drawer in which I kept a few personal items, and straight up steal my pocket Bible under my nose without a word of "pardon me" or "may I borrow this". I can only conclude his Satanic Master had ordered him to remove the offending object. I'm an atheist now, but not because of this.

    3. They had shouting-match disagreements with me over their suboptimal grammar. "I worded it that way because that was the way I wanted it to sound and I don't care what your manual of style says or the fact that it actually means something different, you do what I tell you."

    4. I overheard a lawyer with a JD tell an indigent pro-bono client, "I don't care if you're innocent and have no criminal record; you should plead guilty to save yourself time and money".

  26. Encinal says

    November 23, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    Cromulent Bloviator says

    I'm still not really sure why pardons can be used against judicial punishments like criminal contempt, it seems to be an accusation by the Court not an accusation by the United States.

    Huh? The courts are one branch of the government.

    I would think being pardoned for crimes committed against the United States would only count violations of federal law.

    Was Arpaio not convicted of violating federal law?

    Doesn't federal code actually only limit the power of the Court in the ways it can punish contempt, rather than being the source of the authority?

    The United States is a republic. There is no authority other than the Constitution, and laws passed by the legislature in accordance with the Constitution.

    Well, if the Court doesn't mind entirely losing their ability to operate independent from the Executive Branch, who am I to complain? I guess 250 years of judicial authority were just a daydream.

    The courts were never independent in the sense of being a separate sovereign.

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