I want to sell you a dog. I call him Aldo. I'm asking $5,000.00.
Aldo doesn't look like anything special. He's not a purebred. He's sort of a mutt. But you're not buying Aldo for his looks. You're buying him because he can detect lies.
With Aldo by your side, you can rely on your spouse, your kids, your business associates, salespeople, you name it, to tell you the truth, every time. Because Aldo has been trained, by proven formulae, to determine when these people are telling the truth, and when they are lying.
Yes, with Aldo in your corner, you'll never need fear that your honey is being unfaithful, that your boss is being disingenuous about that raise, or that the guy on the radio who promises the price of gold will double in the next year is wrong. You don't have to be afraid.
Because Aldo knows.
Science teaches us that dogs are natural masters at reading human body language. Science shows that dogs can tell a good and faithful human from a filthy mendacious deceiver. And Aldo is better than that: He's had 160 hours of training, from the highly accredited Institute for the Science of Canine Accreditation, in the art of detecting lies. He'll never fail you.
Why, just last week, my wife attempted to lie to me. Aldo barked once, the signal for untruth. Later that week, my wife told me the truth. But Aldo, remembering that my wife is a liar, barked once again, alerting me to this possible deception.
Does this sound like the opportunity of a lifetime? Aldo is barking twice, so you know I'm not lying.
I tell you truthfully, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. In this world of falsity, flim flam, and fraud, how can you afford not to have Aldo the lie-detecting-dog in your corner? For a mere $5,000.00, you too can rest assured that the leash to emotional, financial, and personal prosperity is in your hands.
All I'm asking is $5,000.00. Isn't it time you knew the truth?
The truth is that last month your Supreme Court , in Florida v. Harris, bought that jive hook, line, and sinker. I just changed the sales pitch from "drugs" to "lies."
The truth is that dogs can't detect lies, but they certainly can detect human body language, like the body language of a Florida Highway Patrol trooper who wants to find drugs in a car, whether the drugs are there or not.
A dog, noble beast that it is, wants to please its master, so if the master wants drugs to be found, found they will be.
The truth is that the Florida Supreme Court got it right: the word of a dog is meaningless as the mathematics of Clever Hans, the counting horse, without reliable statistical proof of the dog's accuracy. Consider the case of Aldo, who on the evidence before the Court always detects drugs, with a 100% accuracy rate.
Whether the drugs are there, or the drugs are not.
The truth is, as Harvey Silverglate points out, that we have a Supreme Court full of pedigreed academics, some whom have never tried a case, academics so impressed by training and titles they'll accept the word of a dog, as long as the dog has a proper academic pedigree. The truth is that, as with drunk driving, the Constitution has been abolished when it comes to drugs.
The truth is, we could probably use a little less pedigree on the Supreme Court, and a little more mutt. We could use a few trial lawyers. We could use a few dog owners. Before writing this post, I took a scientific survey of trial lawyers and dog owners: 100% of them agreed that Florida v. Harris is …
Well, I pick it out of my yard every morning.