We often get a lot of mail asking us rather… personal questions. Rather than get do what Ken normally does with them (sign the emails up for naughty pictures), we've decided to do something more productive. Derrick, the handsomest Popehat contributor (granted, not a great accomplishment, but one takes what one can get), has volunteered to answer these questions as he feels appropriate. And as a little bonus, he will use his awesome internet powers to procure a "guest columnist" to help him out.
Welcome to the first edition of ASK POPEHAT!
Our special guest columnist today is Oregon Representative Dennis Richardson (R)
The recent school shooting at Sandy Hook has shaken me deeply. I haven't sleep or ate. And I'm constantly in fear that something horrible will happen to the people I love. I'm currently unmarried with no children. My dog "Bitsy" is also clearly affected by this. She's starting to lose all her hair and she isn't bothering to even touch her vegan meals anymore. I want to discuss this with her but I'm not sure what's the best way to approach this. I believe that children are our future and I want Bitsy to be a part of it, instead of letting this horrible tragedy drive her into despair. How do I discuss such a horrible event with someone so innocent?
PS: If you could help me with some tips in XCOM, that'd be great. I can't seem to open any doors without my dude just charging in like an idiot.
I've found that kids aren't stupid; word on the playground spreads quickly. When we had our own discussion with our kid, "Cincinnatus", we found that she already knew the basics, "A crazy guy came into a school and shot it up." So our discussion was more along the lines of what to do when the school is attacked by an armed assailant (hit the floor and play dead if you're on the playground, listen to the teacher otherwise, don't be a hero).
To open doors in XCOM without barging through, have your dude be by the door. Then, select him, and keep the mouse hovering over him. Then hit "V" on the keyboard. Or maybe you can left-mouse click? I'm not sure, I wasn't paying much attention during the tutorial.
First off, I'm truly sorry for your loss. Every day I think about those poor helpless children. I suggest the best way to discuss things with your dear child is to be frank and let them know not to fear, because their elected representatives and senators are here to make sure this fucking bullshit will never happen again.
And I want to send a message to all the school shooters out there: You better fucking PRAY that I'm not at the school you're shooting… because I will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. Right through the pants, motherfucker.
I've been busy devising a more elegant solution to this problem. Because NOTHING is more important than the safety of the children. Not a fiscal cliff, or a crippling meth problem in my home district, NOTHING. The NRA had an excellent idea, but I think it's not solving the immediate problem. We don't need armed police officers in our schools, nor armed teachers. What we need to do is to arm the targets of these sick fuckers. We need to arm the children.
I know the first question you guys all have: But how can we arm children when they don't know how to handle firearms properly? Well I've been working on that too. See with all these computers around, we might as well put them to use. I'm trying to find a way to get kids to learn how to use firearms on the computers, or maybe on their Super Nintendos or whatever. So if we can make some sort of computer program that help train kids on responsible gun ownership and usage, and then distribute over the internet tubes, well that oughta give any school shooters second thoughts!
The first problem is a matter of perspective. I've done some thinkin' and I figure the best is to have this training program be from the view of the user: so we have the whole thing run from the view of the person holding the defense implement. I think this will help the user become used to and comfortable with the point of view. We'll put little doodads around the screen to that the kids can keep track of stuff like points scored, ammo, enemy location, and maybe even a compass too! And since competition is what makes this country great, the system will be one where the kids try and get at each other! It'll be great sport!
But then how do we make sure the kids just don't go THBBBBT and don't "play" with a sense of responsiblity or self-preservation? Well I also figured this out. We need to reward kids that score "hits" without getting "hit" themselves. For instance, if they manage to score three "hits", the program will reward them with the usage of a flying UAV drone, revealing the locations of the enemy players. And if they get 5… then they'll get an airstrike… and if they manage to get 7 hits… then we'll give them a god damn helicopter all flyin' around shooting. It'll be a great spectacle and a fun reward for those little tykes! And most importantly, it'll reward them for responsible gun ownership!
I hope this helps you. And remember School Shooters. Me. Fuck. Your shit UP. I'm not fucking around, don't fucking test me, assholes. Don't.
Oregon House of Representatives, 4th District
P. S. What is this X dot com thing you speak of? Is that some sort of DRUGS PORN?!? Because if it is, I've got your NAME! I've got your ASS! You little SCUMBAG!
Next week, David and and special guest columnist Roger Ebert will discuss the artistic merits of Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri, at the request of reader S.
Last 5 posts by Derrick
- POPEHAT 2016 POST-ELECTION GUIDE - November 9th, 2016
- POPEHAT 2016 ELECTION DAY GUIDE - November 8th, 2016
- Ask PopeHat! 11/4/2016 - November 4th, 2016
- Whether in a car or on a horse / We don't mind using excessive force - April 23rd, 2013
- No Shit - March 28th, 2013