MEMORANDUM: IT'S KUDOS TIME AT THE TSA!
From: John S. Pistole, TSA Administrator
To: TSA Employees
RE: KUDOS TO OUR LOVE FIELD SUPERSTARS!
Happy Friday, TSA Family! Today I'm not coming at you with a bunch of boring rules, like my last memo. No, today I'm here with kudos for our Tip Top TSA Team!
Today the kudos belong to our team members at Dallas Love Field for putting a non-compliant civilian in her place:
Deaton — who has a medical condition — said Transportation Security Administration agents at Dallas Love Field crossed the line after they noticed something hanging from her stomach. She told them it was a gastric tube to flush toxins from her body.
They pulled her aside for a pat-down. Deaton said it happened behind a screen and not in a private room, and away from her luggage. Agents asked to look at the tube.
"When I pulled my shirt out and they catch a glimpse of it, they both go, 'Ugh!'" Deaton said. "I said, 'Thank you for your professionalism.'"
And they said "thanks for shutting up, beeyotch!" BOOM! Amirite?
Anyway, our team members in Dallas handled it exactly right. Here's the thing, friends: and we've been complaining for years, some of the American people have stopped offering us the unquestioning compliance we are entitled to as a result of our official rank. That's because of attitudes creeping back into the American psyche — attitudes like dignity, bodily integrity, the equality of all whether in uniform or not, and individuality. These are not post-9/11 American values. They are 9/10 values. We need to push back, and remind Americans they are a group, not individuals, and need to submit without question or complaint for the good of the whole. As generations of drill sargeants, camp counselors, and nontraditional religious group leaders know, you break down these obstructionist individual values by breaking a person down and building them up again as part of a group.
This civilian in Dallas may call it "humiliation." But remember that the root of "humiliation" is "humility" — the very spirit with which civilians should approach you, the officials assigned to instruct them in their obligations as a member of the traveling public. The sort of tactics used by our Dallas team are exactly the sort that will break down stuck-up individuals and turn them into complaint team members. If you have any doubt, review some of the other techniques that we've used effectively:
–Eat their lunch. I mean literally.
–Take toys from the developmentally handicapped. If they don't know their place, who will?
–A A full pat-down of a child in front of a helpless parent will establish that the state is the REAL parent entitled to obedience.
–The gal in Dallas only had a tube, which is of minimal use. Some people have bags. If you have control over their ostomy bags, you have control over them. Watch that only they get doused with bodily fluids, though. Dry cleaning isn't free!
–Not everyone is hard to break down. Some people come pre-broken-down. Watch out for people who may have been crime victims. They make useful object lessons to others.
–Similarly, if you show an elderly veteran who's boss, others will fall in line.
–Some "nontraditional" folks are particularly stubborn about recognizing our authority. Hand them pliers and tell them "lose the hardware, hippie." Puts them in their place every time.
In short: MAKE THEM RESPECT YOU. Remind them where you came from.
Some people — people who aren't quite yet "with the TSA program" — have asked me if it is right to use humiliation as a weapon to make Americans return to post-9/11 unquestioning compliance. "Aren't Americans a free people?" they ask. "Don't they deserve better?"
Look: if they were really a free people, or really deserved better, would they be letting us do this?
Anyway, kudos again to the team at Love Field. Your T-shirts are on the way. Attaboy!
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