As you know, Newt Gingrich's 2012 Presidential campaign is just on fire. He's getting so much attention that he needs more spokespeople. He's asked his admirers here at Popehat for help in vetting candidates.
Bear in mind that to aspire to speak for Newt, you must be able to approach the awesomeness that is Rick Tyler:
The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment’s cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.
Unfortunately Rick has been called away from the Newt 2012 campaign to punch up the script of the next Transformers sequel, and after that he's contracted with Jack Chick for a comic about the perils of the gay immigrant insurgency. Are you the One — the Newt supporter with the flair for rhetoric who can fill Rick's shoes? If so, post your pithy paragraph promoting Newt here.
Here is my humble effort:
There is but one man with the agility of mind and flexibility of principle to address the dangerous shifting sands of America's problems. Newt Gingrich is that man! The sonorous sniffers of sincerity and the chattering catcallers of consistency may demand that their dull-witted, stolid, mainstream candidates cling to one position and one alone on an issue until death do them part, but Newt Gingirch knows that a leader must be prepared to embrace the new, sometimes before he is completely finished also embracing the old. America is built upon a willingness to change. But Washington's self-appointed power elite is afraid of change; they latch onto positions and ideas that are literally several news cycles old long after those ideas have become non-operative, fortyish, or otherwise unattractive. These nattering nabobs of negativism even expect a candidate's deeds to match his words — as if Americans care about such things when a candidate has important things to say, things that are new and exciting and not the same old boring thing the candidate was saying last week. Politically, as on television, we are nearly in the summer doldrums of repeats, and America hates repeats. Newt Gingrich will deliver new programming. Newt Gingrich will defy the unreasonable expectations of the power elites who want to pin him down. Newt Gingrich — he's labile like a motherfucker.
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