1. You have a ill-concealed burning hatred of your spouse and children.
2. You desire to embark on voyage of self-discovery primarily navigated by the National Enquirer, the Huffington Post, and the Drudge Report.
3. You have forgotten all the stupid, naive, petty, shitty things you have done in your life, and in order promote humility, would like to be reminded of them repeatedly.
4. You like touching strangers.
5. You are not sure if you are gay or not and would like to find out.
6. You despise principle, honor, and truth, and would like a systematic approach to eradicating any remaining vestiges of those qualities in yourself.
7. You like it when very stupid and unaccomplished people joke about how stupid and/or unaccomplished you are.
8. You are sexually frustrated, and would like to have sex with at least some of the sort of people who are intrigued by the prospect of having hurried intercourse with an also-ran presidential candidate in a dirty Ramada Inn room in Dubuque.
9. You want attention, but cannot sing, write, act, throw a football, make an expensive shirt look good, or get out of a limousine while exposing your genitals without it looking contrived.
10. You think, incorrectly, that you can Do Good.
Last 5 posts by Ken White
- Hate Speech Debate on More Perfect Live - September 5th, 2017
- Popehat Goes To The Opera: Un ballo in maschera - August 19th, 2017
- Department of Justice Uses Search Warrant To Get Data On Visitors to Anti-Trump Site - August 14th, 2017
- America At The End of All Hypotheticals - August 14th, 2017
- Lawsplainer: Why John Oliver Is Anti-Diversity Now - August 11th, 2017