Washington D.C.: Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, held a press conference today to announce the Transportation Security Administration's latest initiative designed to promote the safety and satisfaction of American travelers.
"For too long, infant-Americans have been left out of the TSA's novel and enthusiastic security-enhancing airport greeter process," said Napolitano. "Though we've taken bold steps to include their older siblings — like our popular new "Strangers With Candy" program — the littlest ones have been denied the opportunity to experience both Rapiscan machines and full body examination." Making a sad, frowny face, and using an exaggerated babyish voice, Napolitano added "Ma-ma and Da-da, aren't we Americans too?" Several staffers and the Assistant Attorney General for the National Security Division pretended to wail like infants to underscore her point.
Napolitano announced that henceforth, infants would experience the same enhanced patdowns and absolutely non-carcinogenic body scans as their parents and siblings. "It's just about fairness," Napolitano explained. "You know how kids are. Have you ever been to an amusement park where only one of your kids was too short to ride the log flume? It's heartbreaking."
But equitable distribution of fun is not the only issue. "Especially in the wake of our successful removal and aquatic disposition of terrorist Osama bin Laden, Americans face a pronounced ongoing terrorist threat. It's entirely possible — even probable — that threat will come in baby form. Some of our most thoughtful analysts have already sounded the alarm about madrassa-taught infants carefully trained as adorable but deadly terrorists. Moreover, our analysts believe that Al-Qaida may prefer infant operatives because they are innocent-seeming, and because they are very small and therefore harder to hit with predator drones."
Napolitano warned that Americans who have objections to strangers groping their babies may be wittingly or unwittingly assisting terrorists in destroying America. "We've frequently said that terrorists will ignore social norms to take advantage of us. Are we, as Americans, going to insist on bitterly clinging to norms like 'don't grope strange babies' while terrorists move past those norms? My friends, America cannot afford a social norm gap with the terrorists. For every social norm they are willing to break, we must be ready to break it first, break it better, and break it more conclusively."
Some critics have suggested that Napolitano's announcement of the "And Your Little Child, Too!" program was calculated to head off criticism of a recently highly-publicized photo of agents apparently fondling a baby. Napolitano bristled when a reporter raised those concerns. "There's nothing to react to. Those were local contractors, not TSA agents, so whatever happened was not our fault, and plus they did exactly the right thing, because that baby was suspicious."
Napolitano's enthusiasm returned as she described TSA's preparations to roll out the new infant-focused program. "Many of our employees are very enthusiastic, and have asked to sign up for special infant-probing training," she said. "And we're asking television executives to add some TSA employees to popular infant entertainment. The 'Baby Einstein' people are on board for a video called 'Baby Screener,' where babies are touched by TSA employees to the soothing sound of Debussy. Also, we're in talks to have a character from either Yo Gabba Gabba or Teletubbies killed by an IED to help explain to babies why this is so important."
A planned demonstration protesting the "And Your Little Child, Too" initiative was canceled, apparently because organizers discovered a timing conflict with a crucial episode of American Idol.
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