As Halloween is upon us, I thought I'd share this wisdom, which has kept me alive in a world teeming with serial killers, aliens that aren't interested in bringing peace to mankind, backwoods cannibals, and corpses that hunger for the flesh of the living:
- If the sign says, "Last gas for sixty miles," it's time to buy gas.
- Better still, turn around. Drive to the station where the sign says, "Next to last gas for seventy miles".
- Historic anniversaries divisible by five are overrated. If a tragedy occurred ten years ago at the house on Maple Street, mark your calendar to visit on the eleventh anniversary.
- The psychiatrist is not your friend.
- If it sleeps an ancient slumber, don't wake it up.
- Don't go into the cellar.
- Don't get into the shower.
- Don't climb up to the attic.
- If you have to climb up to the attic, don't enter head first.
- I don't care how hungry you are: If a stranger offers you food, don't eat it.
- Bullets cannot stop it.
- Unless they're made of silver. Good luck finding that in nine millimeter.
- Unless bullets can stop it. In that case, aim for the head.
- Large black dogs are nothing but trouble.
- Charming, urbane, vaguely European men of wealth and education are nothing but trouble.
- Pale beautiful women with wide eyes are nothing but trouble.
- "Do not call up that which you cannot put down."
- If you hear a solitary bassoon playing but you're not in a concert hall, stop what you're doing immediately. Walk out of the building slowly, get into your car, drive to the 7/11 and buy a Slurpee. Nothing ever happens at 7/11.
- When you meet a small, precocious child, beat it to death with a hammer. Just in case.
- Rural vacations in mountain cabins are overrated. Miami is warm this time of year.
- If science teaches us anything, it's that there are Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
- Old, dusty books are dusty for a reason. Who are you to open them up and disturb the dust?
- It's better to build a new house than to buy an old one. New construction keeps the economy strong.
- But do a thorough title search on the land where you build the new house. Just in case.
- "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."
Keep these lessons in mind, and you might live to be as old as I am.
Update: LabRat's list is better than mine: "Avoid cornfields and apple orchards at all costs."