Dear Unnamed Insurance Company:
I appreciate the two subrogation referrals you sent to me this month, in which you asked me to recover blood money from teens who had attempted suicide in other people's homes. Unfortunately, I must decline to represent you in these matters. I shall return the files under separate cover.
My concerns are twofold, and fact-specific. In claim #1, Tommy Tortfeasor came into possession of a pistol owned by your insured, from an unlocked cabinet. While playing with the pistol, Tommy shot himself in the chest. Fortunately Tommy's shot did not strike the heart, but it appears he lost about five pints of blood before EMTs arrived. Miraculously, Tommy is alive.
In claim #2, Bill Badboyfriend got into an argument with your insured's daughter, his girlfriend, on prom night. Bill (who carried a knife) slashed his wrists in the home, and while he didn't lose as much blood as Tommy, he was hospitalized for several days and then transferred to what I'll call, in my callousness, a mental institution.
In each of these claims, you wish me to recover moneys spent on replacement of carpets, drywall, and subflooring, as each of these young men managed, somehow, to turn himself into a geyser of blood.
I appreciate that times are tight, that your policyholders are counting on you to recover funds needlessly spent, and believe me I could use the money too. Both kids have insured parents, and their insurance companies would be liable to pay for any negligently caused property damage, such as blood fountains. Both boys were probably old enough to know that suicide is not reasonable, yet they attempted it anyway.
And yet, my first concern remains a strong one: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? You want to sue a kid who tried to kill himself, and it wasn't of the "cry for help – give me attention!" variety, but the OCEANS OF BLOOD SPRAYED ALL OVER THE HOUSE variety. Don't you think he might try to kill himself again, when he gets sued for spewing blood all over your policyholder's house? I know your policyholder doesn't want you to sue him. It says so in the file.
My second concern is less strong, but still pertinent: What do you think is going to happen when this gets out on the web, or a newspaper picks it up? Do you think the damage to your company's good name, and its slogan [NOT REVEALED HERE BUT IT IMPLIES RELIABILITY AND KINDNESS] is worth five grand spent on a floor scrubber? Sure, there's probably only a 10% chance of that happening, as the defense attorney won't want to publicize his young client's attempted suicide, but you never know.
On a personal note, I won't be the lawyer who has "no comment" when asked about this suit.
Please feel free to call me should you have questions or wish to discuss these matters further. Again, I appreciate your referral, and regret that I will be unable to assist you with these claims.