Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it clearer, we will bring up the resolution. If we wish to make it softer, we slow it to a standstill. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you read and see. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your internet. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to… Woopra.
We know everything that you do when you visit this site. We can track your movements and clicks down to the second. We can give you funny names, to aid in tracking you. We know where you came from, and where you're going. We can (though we'd never abuse this power for evil) even open up scary chat windows on your computer, to let you know that we're watching you.
We know this because we've been beta participants in Woopra, which is hands down the best site monitoring software that exists. It's out of beta now, and available to the public.
If you have a blog, we strongly recommend Woopra, for voyeuristic purposes alone.