Creepy socialist that I am, I was pretty excited when I learned that the government has seized creationist /new world order conspiracy theorist / serial tax evader / Creation Science Evangelism pastor Kent Hovind's Florida-based Dinosaur Adventure Land. Public ownership of AIG? Meh. General Motors? Gone in two years.
But dinosaurs? Florida theme parks? Dinosaurs living at the time of Christ? Rock and roll!
Then I had to read a review of the place.
The guides sweep the crowd of children and their adult escorts to the first part of the tour, called “The Expedition.” It is a collection of playground equipment and learning-center activities dressed up with dinosaur-related names and the occasional dino head or tail. There is a sign next to each activity that explains what to do, the science it purports to illustrate, and the spiritual lesson that one should really take away from the experience. There is a simple lever-and-pulley device that a child can sit in and pull himself up and down on very easily. It is called the “Longneck Liftasaurus,” and after the guides demonstrate the device with a child volunteer, they tell their audience that while the block-and-tackle device can give one a physical lift—that’s the science lesson—it is only God that can give one a spiritual lift—that’s the spiritual lesson.
Then it is on to the “Circle Swivel Springasaurus,” in which a child volunteer is spun around a clearing on a swiveling harness that is suspended under the spreading branches of a huge, live oak tree. The child is instructed in how to hold his legs and arms to control his balance and change the shape of the arc. The science lesson includes some vague statements about centrifugal forces and conservation of energy, but the real point is that a life without God can leave you dizzy and confused and only God’s guidance can show you the way. This is recited while the child stumbles around and nearly falls, indeed dizzy and confused after his Springasaurus experience, eliciting laughter from the crowd. The guides get a bigger laugh when they advise him that if he feels like he’s going to “puke,” he “should puke in the bushes and not on any of the rides.” This, like almost everything said by the tour guides, is scripted. There is a television in the bookstore running a copy of the videotaped tour of the park hosted by Hovind, and his narration, even down to the “puke” joke, is repeated by the guides.
Memo to the Obama administration: If you're going to run theme parks to promote your socialistic new world order, at least get some good ones. Like Disney World, which also promotes a cult but has decent rides. Or Universal Adventures, which has secular dinosaurs with moving parts. Or Stalin World, which better fits your overall message and agenda.
If I wanted vomit and plastic dinosaurs with no moving parts, I could skip Florida and just drive to Wal-Mart.
Via Religion Clause.