Wow, that would suck. You're a successful young lawyer, rich enough to wear lots of expensive jewelry. You get to be a Republican delegate and invited to the convention. A hot, smoking chick picks you up in the bar and takes you back up to your room for the sort of non-church-sanctioned non-procreative sex that you think other people ought not be allowed to have. She pours you a drink to get you in the mood. And what happens next? Well, if you are Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, 29, of Denver, you wake up in a bathtub full of ice without your kidney.
Well, no. Different urban legend. But almost:
He met her in the bar of the swank hotel and invited her to his room. Once there, the woman fixed the drinks and told him to get undressed.
And that, the delegate to the Republican National Convention told police, was the last thing he remembered.
When he awoke, the woman was gone, as was more than $120,000 in money, jewelry and other belongings.
What belongings? Well, just the sort of stuff that non-elitist, friend-of-the-small-town-folk Republicans wear:
The haul included a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a necklace valued at $5,000, earrings priced at $4,000 and a Prada belt valued at $1,000, police said.
Note that Schwartz now says it was much more like $50,000 worth of items, not $120,000. He's practically dressed in K-Mart garb.
Where did a good young Republican learn to consort with women who pick him up in bars?
Schwartz was a supporter of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, donating $2,300 — the maximum individual donation allowed by law — to his presidential campaign last year, according to records from the Federal Election Commission.
Anyway, I'm sure this experience will teach young Gabriel Schwartz wisdom and good judgment. Right?
"Less taxes and more war," he said, smiling. He said the U.S. should "bomb the hell" out of Iran because the country threatens Israel.
Asked by the interviewer how America would pay for a military confrontation with Iran, he said the U.S. should take the country's resources.
"We should plant a flag. Take the oil, take the money," he said. "We deserve reimbursement."
Don't worry, Mr. Schwartz. I'm sure the next girl will be sincere.
Edited to add: This guy's commercial is hilarious.
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