Like a good nanny, the federal government is never ashamed of itself. You must be protected, for your own good, no matter how many people out there enjoy cheap laughs at the government's expense. And all the while, public respect for the laws that actually matter diminishes.
What is the government protecting us from now? Cheap, imported penis pumps, that's what.
The use of penis enlargers and erection maintaining rings may have harmful effects. They may aggravate existing medical conditions such a Pegronies[sic] disease, priapism, and urethral stricture. They may contuse or cause rupture of the subcutaneous blood vessels, which may produce hemorrhage and hematoma formation. Additionally, frequent use of erection maintaining rings may result in ecchymosis of the proximal portion of the penis and scrotum, and the lymphatic stasis of the penis. Prolonged use of the rings may cause gangrene of the penis.
Because no one ever suffered a gangrenous wang after overusing an FDA-approved, government-certified, genuine American penis sucking machine.