We're moving to newly-constructed space within our building, and since the construction plans and permits were filed, we've been deluged with cold calls from art consultants and moving specialists and IT firms and people with their hand out of every stripe.
And insurance agents. Lots and lots and lots of unsolicited insurance agents, trying to sell us new or different insurance.
Many of these are rude. My office is near where our office manager and head secretary sit, and I hear them dealing with these people, who have an issue taking no for an answer, and who like to insist that they must speak to a higher-up decision maker. I hate it when telemarketing vermin is rude to the people I work with, all of whom are marvelous and decent.
So a few minutes ago I hear our office manager — a terribly kind person — remonstrating with an insurance agent and saying something about not wanting to talk with them, and obviously getting nowhere.
There's a roaring in my ears and the blood-dimmed tide is loosed and obscures my vision and adrenaline surges and I stand up and walk out of my office and over to her desk and hold my hand out for the phone and say "May I?" She hands me the phone with a look of gratitude and says "please." I pick up the phone and take a deep breath and tell the person on the other end that this is Ken, as in the firm of Notken and Ken that she is calling, and I want to speak with a supervisor immediately. There is a long pause and she says "…okay" and then Kenny G comes on for a while.
I'm taking slow, deep breaths and meticulously plotting what I'm going to say next, which is going to be something like this: "You're going to take us off your calling list, and if we get a call again, I'm going to school your company in how we can sue you without cost for violations of the Telemarketing Rule from the Code of Federal Regulations, plus nine or ten state and federal statutes I'm going to figure out by then. PLUS I'm going to make a web page, optimize it for search engines so it pops up whenever anyone Googles your company's name, and populate it with discussions of how you (a) illegally harass people with rude unsolicited marketing of shitty products and (b) fellate diseased goats. FURTHERMORE . . . ."
At this point in my mental drafting of remarks to follow — which is internally drowning out Kenny G — my office manager says, "Uh, Ken . . . you know thats about MY insurance, right?"
"Yeah, I got in an accident last night. It was totally the other lady's fault. But now her insurance company's being really rude about it."
"Maybe you should handle that after all, then," I say, and she nods and gently takes the phone back from me and hangs it up and sits looking at me, hands folded.
"All right then. Carry on!" I say. I return to my office and close the door.
For the record, public humiliation causes the blood-dimmed tide to recede very quickly.
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