Today I caused my 19-month-old to cry and get a bump on her head. It was quite unintentional. I was innocently reading on the patio couch, and she crept up in my blind spot and brained me with a toy toaster. She did it fondly, not maliciously. But I yelped rather loudly, startling her and causing her to fly ass-over-teakettle onto the pavers where she sprawled, howling with innocence abused.
This got to me thinking. How many ways have I screwed up my kids? How many ways have you screwed up your kids?
I'll start with a few:
- As a result of my efforts to ward off nightmares and sleeping anxiety a few years ago, my son Evan believes that (a) Jesus has nightvision*, (b) Jesus can cling to walls, like Spiderman, (c) the apostles were elephants. This will prove vexatious as he progresses in Sunday School.
- I taught my son how to throw a ball. As a result he throws sort of like me. It would be sexist and wrong to say he throws like a girl. Girls are somewhat graceful. He throws more like someone who has abandoned efforts at Shakespearian acting and, out of desperation and an unwillingness to continue parking cars for a living, is trying entirely too hard while taking a deeply humiliating workshop on physical comedy at an actor's studio run out of a third-floor loft over an Arby's in Encino.
* The truly geeky among you are saying to yourselves, "Did Ken specify ultravision or infravision? Which is more scripturally defensible? Is Jesus more Elvish or more Dwarvish?" I was using house rules and didn't make that distinction.
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