Ex Parte! Client (EPT): I want you to represent Billy-Bob on a dispute he has.
Me: Billy Bob, the Billy Bob I am suing for you in that real estate case?
EPT: Yes, yes.
Me: You understand that's sort of a conflict.
EPT: Oh, it's OK. He and I have a partnership now.
Me: While you are suing him?
Me: Well … if his current lawyer signs off on it, and he signs a conflict waiver, and you sign a conflict waiver, it might be OK.
[One week of complicated paperwork later]
Me: EPT, I need you to sign that conflict waiver so I can start working for Billy-Bob.
EPT: Oh, I need you to get him to agree to some things first.
EPT: I want him to sign over some assets and make some concessions in my lawsuit against him.
Me: You want me to ask him to give you assets and make concessions in your lawsuit against him as the price of you signing a conflict waiver to let me represent him the way you asked me to?
Me: I think I'll just shred my bar card right now.
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