Hello,

With everything going on in our country right now, my focus is making sure my kids are safe. I am a mama bear and I will do whatever it takes to keep my family out of harms way. With that being said, keeping everyone safe at every point of the day almost seems like an impossible feat.

I have a couple articles that are centered around protecting your home, and what to do if your city ever has to go under lock down like Boston did last week.

Would you be interested in taking a look at one of them?

Just let me know and I can send it on over for your review.

Best regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Hello,

Hope your [sic] having a great day!

I recently sent over an email in regards to submitting a guest post to you for your approval. Did you get it? If not that is okay! Just let me know if you would like for me to send the article over for your review.

Cheers!

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Dear Laura,

Thank you for your follow-up email reminding me about this one.

I, too, am concerned about keeping my kids safe. I, too, am concerned about protecting my home.

There are threats out there, Laura. I shudder to think of them.

May I ask — are you able to provide a post about protection of family and home from . . . from the most dangerous threat of all?

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me. Like you, I shudder thinking about anything harm every coming to my children.

Below is a article that is centered around keeping your kids safe in the city. I think you will like it because it is centered around children and keeping them safe.

If you like it, feel free to post it, and then I have no problem creating another article for your site that will be centered around protecting your family and home from the most dangerous threat of them all.

"3 Solutions for Keeping Your Children Safe in the City"

Let me know what you think, and then we can go from there.

Kind regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Lauren,

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, indeed, the city is dangerous. But Lauren, there are some threats — some risks — some unspeakable hazards — that are particularly endemic to the suburbs, and the countryside, and the exurbs, and the wildernesses and remote fastnesses, that are not present in the city, in part due to space restrictions and in part due to statist and monstrous zoning restrictions. THANKS, OBAMA!

I refer . . . to ponies.

I'm sorry to just blurt it out like that, but our time is short.

What can you offer me about protecting home and hearth and child against ponies, Lauren?

I've asked others. I've asked again and again and again. I've asked travel guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2013/04/05/town-without-pony/) and personal injury lawyer guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/12/17/in-which-a-marketeer-throws-her-clients-under-the-pony/) and advertising spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/24/ponies-have-entered-the-popehat-ponies-have-entered-the-popehat/) and lawfirm guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/08/a-dialogue-with-a-guest-post-spammer/) and travel advertisement spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/05/somewhere-away-from-the-ponies/) and degree-mill guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/09/26/ponies-101-introduction-to-ponies/) and auto-insurance guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/06/28/your-pony-is-in-good-hands-with-popehat/) and generic guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/03/13/like-spam-for-ponies/) and linkspammers (http://www.popehat.com/2011/10/08/just-as-well-im-pretty-sure-im-allergic-to-ponies-anyway/).

Nobody will help me, Lauren. Not one of them. Not one. No matter how much I beg.

Are spammers without mercy, Lauren? Is there something in the dark and pitiless heart of a spammer that WANTS my children to be victimized by ponies? Do you all HOPE to hear my little girl cry piteously "Daddy, daddy, the tiny little hooves, they hurt. Daddy, why does nobody in the online marketing industry care about my pain and terror?"

Tell me if you can, Lauren. My poor little daughter wants to know.

In hopelessness and equine despair,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Dear Court Reporting Service My Firm Uses,

Thank you for the competent and reliable services you have provided to us during various depositions over the last few years. Thank you also for the cookies, goodies, free lunches, and other marketing perks you have sent over the years, which help reduce our competition by contributing to Type II diabetes amongst attorneys.

Now . . . as to your spam email of today.

Your email was designed to convey the notion that you are versatile and responsive and flexible and ready to serve. You chose to convey that message by emailing me a . . . a skit. Or maybe you'd call it a short story. It's too long to be a vignette.

The skit began, without preamble, like this:

“You have to stop whining. You’re beautiful and I love you,” he said, “but I have to go.”

The speaker, we quickly learn, is one of your court reporters, talking to his dog. No. Really. And that's the part of the email that shows up in the preview window.

In the course of the rather lengthy skit, your reporter demonstrates responsiveness to clients when a deposition is moved from Los Angeles to the nearby island of Catalina. That's swell. If I ever abruptly move a deposition the day it is scheduled to a nearby island in violation of every rule of court and professional conduct, I'm glad to know your outfit can roll with the punches.

But I'm here to tell you: emailing me this skit, in an email titled only "Avalon," with a sales pitch at the end, did not come off as charming or imaginative or bold. Here's a sample of reactions from me, my associates, and my paralegals: "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!" "Seriously?" "Eeeeew." "Ridiculous."

Marketeers need to have some grasp of their audience. Your audience is made up of professionals wanting reliable no-drama service. You advertised with dramatic spam. Everyone here found it creepifying. I know people say "any publicity is good publicity" and "all you need is for people to think of you." But next time I need a court reporter and someone suggests you, I am going to think "wait — are those the people that sent the weird court reporter skit with the needy dog and the helicopter? Who else can we use?"

Seriously. Think this stuff over.

Fondly,

Ken

Hello,

I am currently working with DestinFlorida.org to find content partners that would be interested in posting a quality on-topic post to their site with a link back to http://www.destinflorida.org.

Our writer is top-notch and the content will be exclusive to your site only. If you are interested please let me know and I can have a custom article written for your site within a week.

Thanks,
Dorothy Gibson

Dear Ms. Gibson:

Thank you for the offer. I have reviewed the web site and am enthralled by the prospect of a post regarding Destin, Florida. Destin seems to embody all the qualities I've come to associate with Florida: peace and tranquility, good judgment, and shirtless people.

One issue remains. My careful search of the many activities featured on the Destin, Florida promotional web site reveals no pony-related recreation. This is not a problem: this is a unassailable prerequisite to associating Popehat with the site. Can you please confirm that Destin is pony-free, to a level of confidence of at least .9 PPI (Pony Probability Index)?

Thank you. I eagerly await hearing more.

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

You need not to worry about pony-related recreation. Destin is pony free.

Thanks,

Dorothy

Dorothy:

I am thrilled, relieved, and more than a little inappropriately agitated to hear it.

Would a guest post extol the virtues of Destin as a recreational locale? That might make a very pleasant change of pace. We write about grim things, Dorothy. Ours is not a place of carefree beach frolic. No, we write about injustice and censorship and brutality and violence and ponies and racism and corruption. Beware, this is a place for tears, as Scarpia says to Cavaradossi in the course of the latter's regrettable encounter with the Italian court system. So: a post about happy people doing happy things in a happy place would be like a refreshing zephyr, with adjacent condominiums and entertainment venues.

However, my concern is that a guest post about Destin would be a little too cheerful, a little too bright. The transition from one of my posts about wrongful convictions or one of Clark's posts about the impending overthrow of the United States government into a post about sunny Destin might be abrupt and jarring for our readers. So I was thinking: could your top-notch writer start the guest post with something ugly and sordid and low about Destin, and then ease in to the nice things? Like maybe if someone recently found a vacationing podiatrist from Duluth dead in the jacuzzi at the Hyatt and there was some unpleasantness, you could start with that, and with a discussion of what a pain in the ass it is to drain the jacuzzi so the water doesn't taste like dead podiatrist any more, and then you could segue naturally from there into Destin's beaches and pool opportunities and famous umbrellaed drinks and thus-and-such. That would be easier on our readers. Some of of them don't deal well with change, Dorothy, I don't mind telling you.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you again, and learning more about the pony-free beaches of Destin.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[no response]

EDITED TO ADD

My dear Dorothy:

May I quote what you said to me, Dorothy?

"You need not to worry about pony-related recreation. Destin is pony free."

There was a time when I could believe, Dorothy. There was a time when I had faith. There was a time when I had trust.

This is not that time.

I should have seen your crafty wordsmithing, Dorothy. I should have seen that "you need not to worry about pony-related recreation" might simply mean that the ponies would be upon me without warning and that my end would be swift. I should have seen that, rather than "pony-free," you wrote "pony free," smugly signalling a place where ponies obey no law of God nor man.

You deceived me, Dorothy. I choose to look at this as a learning experience.

Game on, Dorothy.

Ken

. . . . BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE FEATURED IN A MAGAZINE THAT IS DELIVERED BY. PRIVATE. JET.

Below is an unsolicited email I received from an outfit that has been spamming my firm for some time. I have changed the name not to protect the guilty, but to deny them publicity. All grammatical and punctuation errors, bizarre grandiosity, odd capitalization, and general foolishness is in the original.

I wanted to take the time, as I noticed you are one of the top lawyers in San Francisco. [Note: I am located in Los Angeles.] After reviewing your profile and doing some research, I wanted to personally invite you to be the exclusive Lawyer in Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network for Los Angeles [Wait, I thought I was in San Francisco? Also, missing period in original.] I am the director of Tragically Insecure Living Magazine’s Lawyer Network: http://www.nobodylikeslawyerssoitismorallyacceptabletospamthem.com

What we are offering in this exclusive membership has tremendous value for our members, as we only partner with one member per category and market. We promote our members via our Top Rated Website http://www.imnottypingouthtatjokeurlagain.com/ along with being featured, in all of Tragically Insecure Living four magazines (NY, LA, SF, and Miami) that are distributed via private jets, in over 75 Hotel Rooms, and also mailed to multi-million dollar homes.

As you can see from our current list, we have an impressive resume of members, and are growing 15% a month. One important aspect that separates us, is the exclusivity you will receive with us. We only list one Attorney per category in each market; that exclusivity is not truly found with any of our competitors. In addition, there are various components of this membership, not just print advertising, as our magazine is very prestigious, giving our members a great branding partner. Along with being places online and in Tragically Insecure Living Magazine, we also perform a Press Release for all members distributed to over 20,000 News Sources, and usually placed on the first 1-2 pages of Google Linking our members profile to Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network.

If this is of interest, please fill this form out with some info, so we can set up a quick interview: http://www.tragicallyinsecurelawyer.com/I-have-no-self-respect/

Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network, a division of Tragically Insecure Living Magazine

Just as there are people who buy hair-in-a-can and respond to enlarge-your-penis emails, there are lawyers who will respond to this. Would you want one handling your case?

Edited to add:

I have elected to write back.

Dear Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network:

I accept your offer on the following conditions:

1. In all references to me in your promotional materials, you must maintain the uncertainty regarding my exact whereabouts. As you have noted, I am a top lawyer. But am I a top lawyer in San Francisco, or in Los Angeles? It is not possible to know at the same time both (1) that I am a top lawyer, and (2) in what city I am a top lawyer. This has something to do with an Uncertainty Principle, and possibly a cat.

2. I accept your offer to be featured in magazines that will be left in over 75 Hotel Rooms, but only on the condition that your organization warrant and guarantee that each such Hotel Room is equipped with the accessory commonly known as "Magic Fingers." In the alternative, I would accept a Hotel Room that includes a complimentary portion of Sanka.

3. Your message indicates that your membership is growing by 15% per month. My experts tell me that at that rate your membership will include the entire population of North America in only 12 years. That does not strike me as particularly exclusive. Also, I am concerned that the magazine will become rather heavy. So: how strong are your private jets? Will they be able to carry the magazine containing the pictures of every person in North America?

4. Regarding your press release — sorry, Press Release — to over 20,000 News Sources: (a) may I presume you will be using Comic Sans? (b) are all 20,000 News Sources reputable? I wouldn't want my Press Release featured on a non-reputable News Source. I trust your clear devotion to excellence and selectivity has resulted in a list of only the 20,000 most elite News Sources.

5. Regarding your mailing the magazines to multi-million dollar homes: can we arrange for my page in the magazines to be a pop-up? Because rich people can be very jaded.

6. In my featured profile, I will be mounted on a pony. I will require you to provide the pony. I trust this is not an impediment.

Very truly yours,

etc.

I have just received what I think is the most cringeworthy lawyer-spam I have heretofore received.

The spammer wants me, as near as I can figure, to refer auto dealer fraud and Lemon Law cases to him in exchange for a 20% referral fee. I don't have any auto dealer fraud or Lemon Law cases to refer, and if I did, I would never in eleventy billion years refer them to someone who spammed me or offered me a referral fee. I've never taken a refer fee and I don't plan to start now. I've never done business with a spammer and don't plan to start now.

What elevates this spam into the Realm of Cringe is the delta between the spammer's extraordinary self-regard and the fact that he's spamming law firms offering to pay for referrals of Lemon Law cases. The guy sends a footnoted biography in his email, and was apparently poised to cure cancer, and is a brilliant lawyer, but spams strangers offering $500-to-$10,000-case-referral-fees as a business.

Full email below the fold. Don't miss the level of self-regard in the bio. I've semi-anonymized it out of an arguably misplaced sense of mercy.

What kind of lawyer would respond positively to a solicitation like this?

Continue Reading »

Hi!

My name is Katie and I am contacting you to see if you would be interested in a guest or sponsored blog post regarding car accident or personal injury lawyers on your site (http://www.popehat.com/). If you are interested, I would love to have you or your writers provide the content or I can write the post as well! I can provide you with unique, high quality material and will pay through Paypal. Please let me know how this sounds to you. Thank you!

Best Regards,
Katie

Katie:

Can you identify the site that your guest posts would be linking to or otherwise promoting?

Thank you.

Hi Ken,

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I was either thinking of [actual law firm's web site] or [another actual law firm's web site] if you think that would fit better. Let me know what you think! Thanks again.

Best regards,
Katie

Katie:

Thank you for the swift response.

So, do I understand that you are a marketing professional in the field of social media promotion, and those two firms are clients?

Thanks,

Ken

Hi Ken,

Yes, you are correct and yes, they are. Would you be interested in a post regarding either of them?

Best regards,
Katie

Katie:

I'd be interested in a post about marketing professionals in the field of social media promotion who spam blogs with guest-post solicitations without first checking to see if the blog is remotely appropriate for the marketeers' law firm clients. Say, for example, a post about a marketeer who spams my blog, Popehat, a blog that relentlessly criticizes "legal marketing" like this, and has a popular and long-running series ridiculing inappropriate guest-post solicitations. For example:

http://www.popehat.com/tag/marketing/
http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/08/a-dialogue-with-a-guest-post-spammer/
http://www.popehat.com/2012/09/26/ponies-101-introduction-to-ponies/

The guest post might analyze whether law firms are well served by such marketing, whether they are exercising due diligence in hiring and supervising their marketeers, whether they'd like it if they knew their marketeers promptly give up their names when asked, and whether their marketing strategy reflects well on their reliability as lawyers.

Or ponies. Some kind of post about ponies would be swell.

Very faithfully yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Ken,

I will keep that in mind. Although it may seem that I wouldn't, I understand where you're coming from. I think a post on ponies would suffice. Have a nice day.

Best regards,
Katie

The point, gentle readers, is not just that Katie spams my blog for the benefit of her clients. The point is not just that Katie is either auto-spamming some list of blogs without evaluating their suitability, or else has exceedingly bad judgment about what blogs are suitable targets for her spam. The point is not just that Katie, who should have sensed danger immediately, named two clients to a strange blogger.

The point is now a familiar one: as others have said, outsource your marketing, outsource your reputation and your ethics. If you hire some SEO-snake-oil-selling-marketeer without understanding the industry, and asking tough questions of your would-be marketeer, and supervising what they do on your behalf, then some Katie or Katies may be dropping your name in an exceedingly reckless correspondence in a strange (in every sense of the word) blogger. Today I am on the Surfliner to San Diego and in an expansive mood, so I didn't publish the names of the client law firms to humiliate them for being so reckless as to hire one of the Katies of the world. Tomorrow, perhaps I will have slept badly, or my morning gruel will be burnt, or one of my minions will displease me, and I'll name and shame, as we often have before here.

Don't hire a Katie. If you don't understand what a Katie is, and don't feel competent to evaluate your marketeer for Katietude, don't outsource your marketing at all.

From an email yesterday:

Re: Popehat & Technorati Media Advertising Partnership

Hi Ken,

My name is Justin

Hi, Justin! Are we going to have a pleasant relationship?

and I manage publisher relations

Wuh-oh.

for Technorati Media, the leading social media ad network and blogosphere destination

They should put "the leading social media ad network and blogosphere destination" in UrbanDictionary under "Word Salad." You can rearrange it endlessly. "The leading blogosphere network and social media ad destination." "The leading ad destination and social media blogosphere network."

Popehat.com is a fantastic site and I would love to establish a partnership to help you further monetize your traffic.

Justin, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot here, but I think you're a stinking liar. I don't think you, or anyone human responsible for targeting me with this email, has ever "read" or formed an opinion of Popehat. How many sites have you called "fantastic?" Would you still have called us fantastic if you knew that we consistently mock your profession as substanceless, loathsome, and bad for everyone involved? Also, you used "monetize your traffic" non-ironically, so fuck you very much.

We're currently working with similar publishers, including LawyersAndSettlements.com, DocStoc.com, DailyCaller.com, Alternet.org, TopClassActions.com, AmericaBlog.com, TheFreeDictionary.com, TheNewCivilRightsMovement.com, CommentaryMagazine.com, QuickAndDirtyTips.com, Care2.com, RealClearPolitics.com, & ChaCha.com.

Similar publishers, Justin? In what way are these "publishers" similar to Popehat, or to each other? You've mashed together a seemingly random collection of political blogs and shitty commercial linkfarms and ad-revenue-placeholders. If your goal was to convey to a potential customer that you're a competent marketer who could tailor a suitable advertising product for my blog, you've just started the interview with the equivalent of puking on my shoes and wiping your mouth with my tie. Seriously. Did a non-drunk human read that list?

On the advertiser side, we're connected to great brands like Microsoft, Toyota, Ikea, FedEx, Clorox, Sony, New Balance, Disney, Best Buy, H&R Block, Macy’s, Intel, Taco Bell, AT&T, Mattel, Hertz, Levi's, Dell, Chevron, JetBlue, & Verizon.

Bleeeeeeuuurrghhhhahahhhhhh. You just puked all over my shoes again, Justin. And I really thought you were done after the last paragraph. What does "connected to" mean? And what makes you think that anyone would think any of those brands are suitable for advertisements here? I mean, sure, I can see how you'd want Clorox after some of Clark's posts, but do we really strike you as a Disney outfit?

Please let me know if you are interested and would like to hear more. You can also apply to the network here. Thank you!

Regards,

Justin

I am not interested, Justin, and I would not like to hear more from you ever again. Thanks!

Back in January I told you the tale of a marketing cockroach. Let's continue to call him Mr. Feculent Q. Pus-Crust of the Society For Cornholing Unsuspecting Children, thought that is not quite his name, and his business also has a more generic title known to attorneys in the area.

Back in January, I expressed my opinion that an unsolicited email headed FELONY ARREST, containing a solicitation for the SFCUC's database of potential criminal cases, was deceptive and disreputable. I expressed disquiet with this practice, both here on the blog and in an email to Mr. Pus-Crust. He became quite angry and threatened me with suit. Among other things, he hotly denied that he had spammed me:

#1 Automated emails: I certainly don't do automated emails; frankly I don't even know how to do one and therefore have never done one in my life. Moreover my 6 day a week work schedule will attest to that fact as well. Further corroboration is in the literally dozens of meticulous hand written notes on legal pads for each territory that I get involved in. I maintain these for years.

And then I never heard from him again.

Until today.

Imagine my surprise to receive an email from him with the title "FW: intent to distribute," which I believe is once again calculated to appear like an email from a potential client, one charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute.

Dear Kenneth,

As you can see, no one captures more pre-screened (for financial capability) criminal defense matters in Southern California.

If it looks like a fit, we can discuss the rights to this protected territory.

Cordially,

[Feculent Q. Pus-Crust, Cockroach Marketeer]

The rest of the email was a vomited-forth capture of a series of entries from their database of potential client inquiries, showing just titles like "accused of lewd and lucidious [sic] acts." I clicked on one of the cases to confirm that it led to a database, but did not review any cases, because I have no intention to use the "service." (Note: I have grave concerns about any model that solicits potential clients to post a description of their case on a website to solicit attorneys, because clients often admit things they shouldn't when they do so, which is a bad thing.. In this instance, I haven't looked at the web site in question, so I don't know if this company is taking steps to protect the interests of these potential clients from unwise disclosures. I sure hope they are.)

Anyway, I sent Mr. Pus-Crust a response:

Mr. Pus-Crust:

Apparently you don’t remember that you threatened me with a lawsuit for criticizing your spamming a year ago.

Remove me from your spam list forthwith.

Ken White

He responded:

Oh that’s right. You’re the guy with so much time on his hands and skill in jumping to conclusions. Now I remember.

I responded back:

Gosh, since you so lovingly hand-craft each solicitation, instead of spamming, it must have required quite a collapse of memory for you to forget our prior exchange.

Have you tried Ginkgo Biloba?

So: I think it's fair to say that neither Mr. Pus-Crust nor I have experienced a change in our essential character since January.

So. This raises a question. In January, in angry denial of my suggestion that he had spammed me, Mr. Pus-Crust asserted "I certainly don't do automated emails; frankly I don't even know how to do one and therefore have never done one in my life." His latest email to me raises some questions:

1. Did Mr. Pus-Crust start sending automated emails after that exchange, explaining why he sent a solicitation to someone he had previously angrily accused of defamation and threatened to sue?

2. Or did Mr. Pus-Crust hand-craft this email, but forget that he was sending it to someone he had angrily threatened to sue 10 months before?

3. Or does Mr. Pus-Crust have an eccentric definition of "automated?"

4. Or is Mr. Pus-Crust lying about not sending automated emails?

I don't know, though I think an observer can draw inferences from the evidence. All I know is that ten months after I told Mr. Pus-Crust that his unsolicited email was unwelcome and I viewed it as deceptive, and ten months after he got very angry and complained about my "unprofessional, shrill and reckless email" and my "false and defamatory comments on [my] blog," Mr. Pus-Crust sent me another unsolicited marketing email with another title I view as deceptive.

You might be asking why I'm not naming names. It's for specific legal and strategic reasons. Stay tuned.

The First:

Hi,

My name is David and I represent a leading Manchester based solicitors firm having specialist in Personal Injury claims. I have been tasked with sourcing advertising opportunities for my client and was wondering if it might be possible to advertise them on your website http://www.popehat.com/.

For now we are looking for a Contextual text links and I would appreciate if you could get back to me, if you think that we could take this further. 1 year or 6 months deal price would be good to know if this is possible to decide further. Payment will be through PayPal.

Regards,
David

Dear David:

I am very interested to hear your offer. We at Popehat are constantly looking for new income streams.

Certain conditions of supervised release make international payment in currency problematic. However, given that your client specializes in Personal Injury claims, and we have numerous claims of personal injury what require vindication, we're thinking maybe something could be done in trade. Tell me — does your Manchester-based solicitor firm have experience in pony-related Personal Injury claims? I believe they might be more commonly known as collyswopdopwobbles in Manchester rather than ponies.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Ken

[no reply]

The Second:

Hi! Hope you're well! Just thought I’d drop you a line to check whether you received my previous email?

I just wanted to ask if you would please consider placing a link to MyClaimSource.com? It is an information website that provides assistance resource on filing insurance claims. It also provides an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

If you think it would be of use to your visitors, would you please consider placing a link to my website on your page?

Thanks and have a great day!

Best,

Hannah Taylor
MyClaimSource.com

http://www.myclaimsource.com

Reply STOP to receive no further correspondence.

Dear Hannah:

Thanks for the suggestion.

Question: does MyClaimSource.com offer advice and support to ANY type of insurance claims?

Ken

Hi Ken! Thanks for getting back to me. So far we have covered auto insurance, health insurance, life insurance, medicare, travel insurance, and workers comp and we're still researching for more content. The site does provide advice and information about various provider policy and our goal is to make MyClaimSource.com an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

Hannah:

The authors at my site, and increasingly our readers, have a very specific and somewhat rare insurance concern.

We are concerned about pony-related claims.

We would be happy to hear of a site where we might find a like-minded community of people who have had experience navigating pony-related claims, and would happily link to such a site.

[no reply]

The Third:

Hello Ken,

I am Tracy Myers, a freelance writer and a regular blogger for homeinsurance.org. I came across your blog and must say that the informative content of your blog is worth reading. So I was wondering if you accept guest posts, and if so, would you be willing to publish my writing on your site? I'm looking to expand my writing horizons and would love to contribute to your blog.

I would like to give you a unique article on any topic related to your blog theme. I assure you that I will write the post exclusively for you. In return of the post I just need a link back to my site http://www.homeinsurance.org/.

Here are some of my writing samples:

[List of seven guest-post-spammer-style blog posts omitted]

Please do let me know if this caters to your interest. Looking forward to your positive reply.

Regards,

Tracy

Dear Tracy:

Thank you very much for the offer. We at Popehat are thrilled to receive an offer of a guest post from a professional writer. We have held a staff meeting, and by a unanimous vote, with only one abstention (well actually Clark was screaming. I'm not sure he was really following us at all. Does that count as an abstention? Or would you not count him as present in the first place? Do you have a copy of Roget's Rules of Order? Or is it Robert's Rules of Order? Roget is the Thesaurus guy, now that I think about it, right?), we have voted to invite you to submit any number of guest posts that you like.

We propose the following topics:

Ponies: Threat Or Menace?

Will My Homeowners' Insurance Cover Me If I Soil The Expensive Persian Rug In The Hall Because I Thought I Saw A Pony But It Was Actually A Largish Dog?

Which Homeowners' Insurance Companies Provide The Most Voluminous Policy Manuals, Which I Can Burn For Heat After The Pony Apocalypse In A Defiant But Ultimately Futile Attempt To Keep My Shattered Family Alive Just A Few More Desperate Days?

Bronies: The Quislings Of The Pony Occupation?

Screaming "Pony" In A Crowded Theater: A Post-Brandenburg Analysis

What Does My Insurance Policy Say About Weeping And Rocking Rhythmically?

We eagerly await your input.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[No reply]

re: GREAT ARTICLE!
From: oconnorj70@gmail.com

Hi!

I stumbled across your blog and noticed the great content you write. Over the last few months I've been researching and writing about (hearing loss, healthy lifestyles, aging, etc) and decided to begin blogging about it. With hunting season right around the corner I thought it would be a great time to highlight and focus on how you can protect your hearing and prevent hearing loss while hunting. I am very passionate about these issues, and since October was National Audiology Awareness Month and National Protect Your Hearing Month, I feel that it is important to continue to spread awareness. I'm wondering if you ever accept guest posts on those topics? If so, I would be happy to send you an article to review. Please let me know what you think, thanks!

Best,
John

John:

We might well be interested. My question is whether you can tailor your article to discuss protecting your hearing not just during ANY hunting, but when hunting the most terrifying and dangerous game of all.

Please advise.

Ken
www.popehat.com

From: anthony@outsourcedcontenttoday.com
To: ken@popehat.com

Re: Pope Hat Contact

Hi,

I have a client who is interested in purchasing an advertisement on your website, popehat.

Please let me know if you accept advertising.

Thanks in advance.
Anthony.

If you do not wish to receive any further communication from our company, please respond with "NOT INTERESTED" in the subject line.

Anthony:

Your email came in a time of desperate need. It's last stand time here. David is gone. Grandy is missing. Patrick is posting — well, best not to characterize it. Only I am l left.

We need funds to continue the defense, or Popehat will fall . . . to them.

What type of advertisements are you offering? What kind of remuneration might we expect?

The forces arrayed against us . . . I've said too much.

Please respond.

Desperately,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly – great site by the way!

I am seeking to place a single text link on your site for my client. I have been given a flat budget of $75.00 per year to place the link on your site.

Please let me know your thoughts on this when you have a moment or two.

Also, I am available via Skype, so if you have a Skype account please provide me with your username if you prefer to communicate in that manner.

Have a wonderful day :)

Best,
Anthony.

Too late. Too late.

Popehat pony, sans text, courtesy of Arthur.

In the email exchange below, I have changed identifying information. Replacements are in boldface. The use of [FNAME] and [BPNAME] is in the original. The email came to me titled "Quick Message for *[FNAME]*."

Hey *[FNAME]* – The reason I'm reaching out to you is because I recently came across *[BPNAME]* and thought you might be able to give me some valuable feedback — I recently (re)launched a new community for lawyers and law students called LegalMarketeeringPit.

A bit of background…My name is Mork the Marketeer and I'm the founder of PonyHub, the largest online community of pony professionals with over 4 million hits per month. For LegalMarketingPit, we already have 1,000s of visitors per month with some awesome bloggers (law students and practicing lawyers), but we have a LONG way to go! I want to make sure to fulfill our primary mission: to build the most entertaining and useful legal community online.

It's not easy starting an online community from scratch, so I hope you will take a few seconds to check it out and let me know what you think! Any thoughts? If you can hit "reply" and tell me just one piece of advice, I will be forever grateful. :-) Or you can give me call and tell me in person (# below).

Thanks so much and talk soon!
Mork the Marketeer
Chief Pony & Founder, LegalMarketingPit

ps – If you want to help out our team and become a blogger or syndicate your content from *[BPNAME]* onto LegalMarketingPit, please shoot me a quick note and we can try to work together

pps – We also send new members a free legal compensation report, so we hope you'll join us and help other members in our community by sharing your wisdom / expertise as well.

What is LegalMarketingPit

You are receiving this email as part of being a contributing author for LegalMarketingPit

[Unsubscribe and contact information omitted]

Continue Reading »

Names changed to protect the guilty.

Hi Ken!

My name's Mickey Marketeer and I'm a writer for Not Adequately Supervising Me LLP [note: an actual, established, multi-state, apparently reputable law firm]. I'm conducting interviews with leading legal experts from around the world as part of a consumer education initiative, and if you’re interested I would love to guest blog for Popehat!

I have attached a few exclusive interviews for review that I think your readers would love, and you can find examples of my work in other areas at [three marketeering shitholes].

Thanks for your time!

Warmly,

Mickey Marketeer

Not Adequately Supervising Me LLP [followed by the actual law firm's phone number, web site, address, etc.]

Attachments: Multiple Embarrassingly Generic "Interviews" With "Experts" On Legal Topics With No Connection To Popehat

Dear Mickey:

It's nice that you offer. You see, offers to guest blog are one of our favorite subjects at Popehat.

http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/05/somewhere-away-from-the-ponies/

http://www.popehat.com/2012/03/13/like-spam-for-ponies/

In fact, posts mocking guest-post-spam are among our most popular posts.

So: I'm always thrilled to have a new guest-post solicitation to write about.

Thanks,

Ken

I’m sorry you feel these are spammy. I find these interviews fascinating! And I would appreciate it very much if you didn’t write about my inquiry.

Thank you, and great job with Popehat – very funny stuff.

Mickey

Mickey:

It's completely spammy. Don't insult your intelligence or mine. I would bet a kidney that you never read our blog before sending this solicitation. If you had, you wouldn't think for a nanosecond that any of this stuff was appropriate, you would have seen that we make fun of guest-post spam, and you would have seen that another favorite topic is bad marketing by lawyers: http://www.popehat.com/tag/marketing/.

Mickey, the firm you are working for appears to be a reputable and normal one, not some fly-by-night mill. This is an extraordinarily reckless way to promote it. I'm in a good mood, and having read this stuff you sent I think that writing about your solicitation would feel a little like clubbing a baby seal, so I'm not going to name and shame, as is my normal practice to deter this conduct. But you're taking a huge risk. Leave aside that only marginal blogs or crass marketing sites will ever play ball with this stuff. Sooner or later you're going to spam someone like me NOT in a good mood, and they're going to take a huge dump on your client's web presence.

Marketeers like this stuff. Actual bloggers, including lawyers who care about writing, despise it. I refer cases all the time, but I would never hire or refer to a firm that markets like this.

Play at your own risk.

Thanks for your advice and discretion.

Best,

Mickey

Two points:

1. What makes guest post spam "spammy" is not that the proposed topic isn't "fascinating." What makes it spammy is that the marketeer has directed it to a wide range of blogs without any assessment of whether the topics, tone, or level of detail are suitable to the targeted blogs.

2. I expect comment spam and guest-post spam and similar cheesy marketeering from solos and small firms and places that don't know any better. I was completely floored that a seemingly mainstream and reputable firm would have hired a "writer" on staff to do guest-post-spamming. Someone there is seriously asleep at the switch. Why would you hire lawyers with that kind of bad judgment?

3. You know what kind of guest-post-spam might make me bite? Something that offered as an example a detailed, thoughtful, and non-generic treatment of an issue. Generic, Sunday-supplement "we can send this anywhere" stuff is one of the markers of spam and cheesy marketeering.

4. Why does this stuff make me so mad? I put a lot of work into writing here. My blog is not a tool for clumsily marketing your law firm.

Hello ,

My name is Ema and I am an Advertising Buyer for TravelOutreacher.net. I am contacting you on behalf of a client I work with in the travel industry. I’d like to inquire about a possible advertising opportunity on your site http://popehat.com.

Does your site offer advertising options? If so, would you be interested in discussing rates and availability?

Sincerely,

Ema Lastname

[email address]

P.S. If you’re not the appropriate contact for this inquiry, could you please redirect me to a colleague whom I may speak to regarding this request?

My dear Ema,

Thank you very much for your inquiry. As a matter of fact, we at Popehat have recently turned our thoughts again to accepting advertising. We have been trying the Amazon Associates Program, but have discovered that the results are less robust than we hoped. This may be that the forms of entertainment our readers prefer are not available on Amazon as a consequence of being felonious in most of these continental United States. Do you know if Amazon has an associate program in Somalia?

So: we are delighted at the prospect of accepting travel-related ads, and look forward to a long and fruitful relationship.

But I regret that I must add a caveat.

Ema, Popehat initially began soliciting ponies as payment for site-based advertising. This led to some rather harrowing realizations about ponies, realizations that prolonged and rather arcane study has only confirmed.

We are just men here, Ema. We do not pretend to be better than anyone else. But no man is an island. We exist in a community, a community that includes — to the extent certain laws and residency restrictions permit — our readers.

As members of that community, we cannot in good conscience accept travel advertising that might tempt our readers to imperil themselves vis-a-vis ponies.

Map Key: 1 pony = EXTREME VIOLENCE

There are still havens, Ema, new Edens and bucolic locales untroubled by ponies, where a man can walk down a country lane without fear. But the other places — the other places — this is difficult, but I must. The other places belong to the ponies now. I could not live with myself if some innocent visited Popehat and followed one of your advertisements and went to some wretched pony-infested place like, for instance, Tampa. They might come back, Ema, but they would come back something else, something Other.

Therefore, we must insist that any advertising arrangement between us include guarantees and stipulations and provisos that you will only serve our customers with advertisements regarding travel to locations that score lower than 3 on the LUUUPV (Level of Unjustified Uncontrollable Unacceptable Pony Violence) Index.

The level above severe is called "paddock."

Make no mistake — a man can come a cropper visiting a 2.5 if he hasn't his wits about him. We don't approve of readers abdicating all personal responsibility. But a hot zone like a 4 or a 5? I can't look my children in the eye if I let that happen, Ema, not even my child who only has one eye to begin with.

Let me know if you need help navigating any of the more reputable LUUUPV rating sites, Ema. I know that some can be somewhat eccentric.

I eagerly await your response.

Very truly yours,

Ken

P.S. Sorry, just saw your P.S. Never mind, ask Patrick.

Charts by the awesome @StephanieWDC, digital miscreant and creator of www.stephaniewdc.com

Hi Ken,

I am a contributing writer to a website dedicated to authoritative discussion on education. I recently came across your blog post http://www.popehat.com/2011/12/01/confining-american-education-a-stem-cell/ and it got me thinking about the state of educational policy today, specifically in the United States — I would love to submit an article to your blog. As I'm sure you know, tuition costs continue to rise, yet few policymakers have done anything to actually assess whether or not this ascension corresponds to a similar rise of educational quality.

Today many students are graduating with advanced degrees and are taking on jobs that don't require such a level education, if only because the job market is stagnant. I would love to expound upon this idea and examine whether or not there needs to be policy changes that help the students who go to college and — eventually — who will shape the future of the nation.

Several universities, among them the University of Wyoming, have referenced our Internet resource as a learning portal for students. Please let me know if you'd be interested in an article, it would be great to hear from you!

Best,
Valerie Harris

Hi Ken,

I wanted to follow up with you and make sure you had received my email I sent a little bit ago regarding my blog post idea.

Let me know your thoughts, I would love to work with you. Do not hesitate to get back to me with any questions!

Best regards,
Valerie Harris

Dear Ms. Harris,

I had missed your email before; thank you for reminding me about it. I take it from a little Google research that you are affiliated with http://www.mastersdegreeonline.org/, a site devoted not only to rigorously substantive discussion of complex educational topics, but also to fearless explorations of the possibilities of nonstandard sentence structure.

At Popehat, our approach to guests posts is a work in progress. We require recompense for publishing guest posts. However, we have been forced to abandon our pony-based pricing system as a result of both practical and philosophical concerns. We are, however, still committed to a barter approach, especially as the campaign season draws to a climax and Patrick's views regarding the global financial system grow increasingly unconventional. We would propose to barter our respective goods with you: we provide a platform, and you provide education. Specifically:

1. In exchange for allowing you one full guest-post, we will require a half-day seminar regarding the mitigation of pony-related physical and psychological injuries, with an emphasis on pony-driven psychosis (or "ponychosis," as we have begun to call it after the recent regrettable mall food court incident involving Clark). Also hoofings.

2. If there are any misspellings or grammatical errors in the guest post, we will require liquidated damages in the form of suitable refreshments at the seminar. You may think, Ms. Harris, that it will be amusing to provide novelty pony-shaped cookies, but let me assure you very sincerely that it will not be.

3. For every additional guest post you wish to submit, we will require you to provide David with an opportunity to make an art-history-related presentation of not less than three hundred thousand (300,000) words.

4. We'll need honorary degrees of some kind. Surprise us.

Trusting that these terms will be acceptable, I remain very truly yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com