Browsing the archives for the Road To Popehat tag.


The Road To Popehat: "This Will Not Turn Out Well" Edition

Fun

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and ask ourselves: why democracy, again?

This time: searches over the course of a single week, showing cunning plans that will not end well.

sample takedown request libel: COME AT ME BRO.

pro se litigant at divorce trial bad idea? Pardon me while I guffaw.

how to hide drugs from a police drug dog: You can wire your fee deposit to my trust account right away. I'll call the bail broker.

how to make violence funny: To you, or the victim?

where to put spy cam in bathroom: Isn't that what your LA is for, Congressman?

classy status for Facebook slander: Please. Facebook libel.

how long can you do rape in nm: NOT AT ALL. Jesus. I mean, unless you're a cop.

when is discrimination acceptable when recruiting: Oh, hey, is Ambercrombie hiring again?

minnesota state law on slapping a 16 year old: Have a glass of wine and take a walk first.

does a bullet leave the registered owners encription: No, seriously. WINE AND WALK. It's your kid for God's sake.

does disorderly conduct break the constitution: That depends on how hard you try.

looking for a classy big gold neck piece: Good luck with that.

thanksgiving objectivism: I understand you're very excited about what you learned first semester freshman year, but maybe some light chat about sports over dinner instead?

laws to protect elves: Sorry Hermey. You're on your own.

24 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Questions With No Answers Edition

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat: the feature in which we check our traffic logs to see what searches brought you here, and then think that maybe reality TV isn't so unreal after all.

This time: searchers used the following inquiries to reach Popehat in the month of November.

HOW DOES MODERN LITERATURE SHOW THAT COLLECTIVE SOCIAL VALUES ARE NOT PARTICULARLY MEANINGFUL LEADING TO
FAITHLESSNESS SKEPTICISM AND A CONFUSED SENSE OF IDENTITY

do you get pepper sprayed or tazed to become a criminal psychologist

explain the reasons why there is absence of oxygen haemonculus using an example of an insect

Which drag queen is going to be at climax in Modesto?

law suits threaten me?

how does voluntary work in situations where a person commits a voluntary act with involuntary consequences (such as drunk driving?

can i be sued for publicly calling someone an asshole?

how to write a blackmail letter that your lawyer suggested

does rhetoric have reductive consequences?

what feelings does this speech evoke in readers? a. hostility and anger c. sadness and sympathy b. neutrality and objectivity d. cool restraint

when will comcast sounds of seasons play christmas music?

Consequencies of using candle, finger or any object to satisfy ones urge?

how do we called lowyer?

I think only about 10% of these people found what they were looking for.

24 Comments

The Road To Popehat: What's Wrong With Us Edition

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the site traffic software, see what Google searches brought you here, and ask ourselves what the hell have I been writing to attract these people?

The answer, apparently, is some pretty disturbing stuff.

is rabbits emostiomal: American schools are back in session I see.

What important information would you include in a memo to your supervising attorney about methods to avoid the consequences of piecing the corporate veil? Meanwhile, law students' summer associate positions are nearly concluded. This person may have been being paid as much as $3,000 per week to Google questions like that. Isn't the legal system swell?

what will happen if execs of blood go into brain: You know, I really wouldn't worry about it.

Make an ad campaign of a deodorant with a nerdy man who is insecure with siblings and shy with girls. DO IT, GOOGLE! DO IT NOW! Why won't this damn thing work?

toes on my right foot stuck and I can't move them individually: I'm really sorry, but I just looked that up on WebMD and it says you have cancer.

how can you make men angry? That question is a step in the right direction.

what happens if uterus is a bully: Are you the same person asking about making men angry? Are you quite well?

wil a phonebook leave marks on the human body: Always happy to have our friends in law enforcement visit.

what are the odds of choking to dea: Uh-oh.

are there any blogs like Popehat in Canada: As if.

40 Comments

A Week In The Life of the Road to Popehat

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out our traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and think to ourselves "this serves the people at the NSA right."

The following searches brought people here during the last seven days:

mother in law unmannered: My mother-in-law has lovely manners. She even laughed politely the time she gave my toddler son an empty plastic Jack Daniels bottle to play with and I referred to it as a "Tennessee rattle."

somewhere sometime someone: This is the sort of thing I see after one of my partners tells me "yes, I did a Google search, but nothing relevant came up. Can't you help me?"

what threats are harmful to my personal brand: Threats to MURDER YOUR BRAND are serious and should be reported to appropriate authorities.

Debbie Sclussel is insane: Well doy.

nipples of a wrestler: People tried to tell Peter Greenaway that the sequel was a bad idea, but he just wouldn't listen.

jews behind gay agenda: I see the National Organization for Marriage has a new strategist.

what to do when I want to watch a fat kid: Brought to you by the American Tourism Bureau.

do girls like boys who are weird and cowardly: "Do they? Because that would be really great if they did, thanks."

ken+white+so+angry: Meh.

17 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Back From Hiatus Edition

Effluvia

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought people here, and wonder what good the NSA is if it hasn't Gitmoed some of your crazy asses.

After being away for a month, I was a little concerned about what sort of flotsam and jetsam had accumulated. Should I have been worried? Yes.

high school musical killing a man: The more sequels there are, the more desperate they get for plots.

can you kill yourself with a fork: Yes. The crucial decision is which fork. You don't want to use the wrong one and become the laughingstock of the social season.

difference between belittled and offended: You are belittled if I have belittled you. You may or may not be offended, depending on whether you understood that I was belittling you. Was that clear?

how do i get a stranger to touch my vagina in public: The government doesn't want you to lose sleep over such questions, and has thoughtfully arranged for the TSA to do so if you ever want to fly domestically.

what the navy dont want you to know: That ain't rum.

why would a rosicrucrusian talk to you about popehat? It's part of a plan. Shhhh.

is threatening to defame someone if you don't pay them blackmail: It's possible you haven't thought this situation all the way through.

meth how much can you make one box mucinex d: It was perhaps inevitable that later seasons of Breaking Bad would not be able to sustain the raw menace and depravity of the first few.

videos of women being fucked by small farm poneys: You may have shaken hands with this person today.

under canada law can someone utter threat to a fetus: Yes! Moreover, under Canadian law, it is a hate crime to say unpleasant things about fetuses, or generalize about them in any way, or in any way hurt their feelings.

POEHAT: "Quoth the raven, snort my taint."

17 Comments

Road To Popehat: Week In The Life Of Popehat Edition

Fun, Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see the searches that brought you here, and shoot an email to Rand Paul asking whether a vigorous program of domestic drone strikes is really such a terrible idea after all.

All of the following searches were used to reach us in the space of one week.

is constantly saying you are overpaid bullying: Not according to my managing partner.

is clint eastwood an asshole: Well, I like him, but my Barcalounger says he's kind of a dick.

i am in a wedding and got a subpoena for court for that day: Best excuse ever. Can someone subpoena me for the night of the charity auction I'm getting dragged to?

French man who line dances: I think I am finally at peace with Rule 34.

pictures of little girl on ventilator: No I'm not.

is there a lawyer I can call for pastor that has harmed me by playing god in my life: Regrettably, there probably is.

severe stalking ridicule and threats from perps while I am out and about with my family today: Um . . . go to the same lawyer as the pastor person.

how to beat blog comment spam filters: Go to the highest building near you and leap off the roof. The code will come to you in a vision on the way down.

will they forgive me if i commit credit card fraud: Well, are you sorry?

blog by ken white regarding global wildlife 1: COME AT ME, BRO.

pope is on the road to perdition: And my nav system is broken.

13 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Thanksgiving Leftovers Edition

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, where we look at the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and wonder if voting is a good thing.

Thanksgiving objectivism: GRAVY IS GRAVY.

naturally assumed you knew what was going on: I love this defense, but it never works, in court or at home.

can we file a low suit on physic attackers: I think I found a way to make amends to Charles Carreon.

how rizona law applies to fuck parents having arguments and taking children somewhere else for the time being: TWO ways.

o my god Leave me alone: Keep saying it, but it doesn't work.

how to get it so people have to download images in email: A marketeer's evil is never finished.

why cheerleaders are won't shut up but tell someone else to shut up: High school: second closest place to hell on Earth.

what do you call a place where lawyers work: And in first place . . .

"big balls" being kicked: Rule 34, or seeker of humorous soccer videos? I prefer not to know.

am I going to prison for that SLAPP order: Regrettably, no.

ken popehat groupie: Line forms to the right.

16 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Popehat Branding Edition

Humor

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, look at the searches that brought you here, and . . . you know what? At this point I'd normally say something snide like "wonder if Thorazine is covered under Obamacare" or "watch the Walking Dead for ideas on barricading structures to defendant against mindless zombies," but I've realized that I'm doing this all wrong. Thanks to repeated exposure to marketeers, I now realize that every search that brings someone to Popehat is a branding opportunity — a chance to alter our product to satisfy what the customers want. These people shouldn't be mocked. These people are giving us invaluable market data.

OK. Let's give this a try.

argumentative essay about some believe anti-islam film should to be free speech and others believe has to be censored: Yes! Here at Popehat, we will write your high school civics essays for you.

what family in the u.s.owns a well-known chain of discounts stores and is one of the richest families in the wirld: Sure, if you need help watching Jeopardy, we're here for you. That's the Popehat promise!

legal implecation effecting on wimpy: Yeah, okay. If you're at Yale Law and you need help, we'll see what we can do.

read gawker sites without going to them: Yes! We at Popehat are at the forefront of helping Redditors adjust to people on the internet criticizing them.

how to get rid of fucktards on facebook: Absolutely! At Popehat, we can help you find safe and legal methods, such as unfriending and closing the browser window and thus-and-such.

silenced pistol hunting: Yeah, okay, we're still going to have to recommend the unfriending instead, but we hear you and we at Popehat are all about respecting your strong feelings.

kenneth nice yelling: That you! We at Popehat are all about cultivating feedback and responding to it.

ai shit on the law of pope: I'm sorry if Popehat's legal suggestions have left you unsatisfied. We're committed to making you a satisfied customer.

choking on grapes statistics: Well, we're just shooting from the hip here, but we at Popehat think that maybe you shouldn't try to eat the grape statistics in the first place.

wat r da benefits of oatmeals: Yes! Popehat has a remedial language program. Thank you for asking.

popehat for pets: Oh . . . oh my God. This is the best branding idea ever. This is genius market segmentation. David, Grandy, I want "Popehat for Pets" live by next Monday. The pony stuff alone will be HUGE traffic. And "snort my taint" — it's absolute fucking synchronicity.

how to handle rude and unmanner behavior of mother in law: We at Popehat all have perfectly wonderful mothers-in-law and find your question inconceivable. However, I'm going to put you on our chat line with the Facebook guy above.

defamation for calling someone a dick: Yes! We at Popehat are . . . uh . . . okay. The customer is always right. But it's possible that the sorts of services we provide aren't ideally suited to you. Our core product is really aimed more at the free-speech-advocate. Can I offer you something in a "speech is not tyranny" post?

how to get a court order to take down a defamatory blog: Screw this. You losers are on your own.

17 Comments

The Road to Popehat: Oh My God, You Freaks, Leave Me Alone Edition

Effluvia

It's time for the The Road to Popehat, the feature in which we look at the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and think to ourselves "how much would it really cost to install a panic room?"

This week: in the name of all that is holy, what is wrong with you people?

dirty whore Ken: Hey, now. Wear something nice when you come at me saying that. Or, you know, bring a muffin. A muffin works.

ON CALL PENIS: Go away. Just . . . just go away. Go away please.

www sexy pope images com: REALLY. Go away. I have a gun.

how would Christ respond to restraining order: Okay. That's a little better. Uh . . . "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, unto God what is God's, and unto your lawyer what is your lawyer's."

ethnic background of nakoula basseley nakoula: Swedish.

bestiality sex monk: You know, I'm not sure I'm going to like the prestige classes in the new edition of D&D.

i get angry watching my son play soccer: Me too. OFFSIDES? BULLSHIT. THERE'S NO WAY THAT WAS OFFSIDES.

popecrimes: I didn't choose the Popehat life. The Popehat life chose me.

police brutality videos 2012: I wish I could believe this person is a libertarian, instead of a fetishist.

what is the name of government that protects corporations: "government"

do hamsters have to go to school: Awwww. That's kind of sweet. Maybe it's a kid searching. You know, I exaggerated. This isn't so bad.

children masturbating with Jabba the Hutt dolls: OH COME ON NOW!

30 Comments

Road To Popehat: "We Hates It Forever!" Edition

Meta

It's been over two months since we last explored what brings you hobbitses to this site. So it's time for Road to Popehat, the feature in which we review search logs to examine the hidden things, long forgotten in dark places, that bring new readers into the light spaces of Middle Earth.

This month brought out a number of people who are even geekier than we are.

Thief! Thief! Baggins!: It stole our precious, yessss it did, and when we catches it, we'll squeeze it!

O.J. didn't do it: That tricksy Baggins probably did it.

I have the right not to be offended: Then why are you coming here, praytell?

Cuckold say uncle: Cuckold need food, badly! Really, you've already cheated with his or her spouse. Do you have to twist the arm as well?

Please tell me that it is not likely that amendment one will pass in NC: We tried to warn you that it was likely to pass. Did you bother to bother to move to North Carolina so you could vote?

Crystal Cox batshit crazy: Do tell.

Koreans anal: Perhaps you should have typed 항문 instead?

How to avoid a probable cause affidavit in Colorado: I hear Utah's lovely this time of year.

Narcissistic disorder excluded from DSM: The original entry consisted of a photo of Ken, but a cease-and-desist letter took care of the problem.

 

6 Comments

Road To Popehat: Okay By Comparison Edition

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the site traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and conclude that I'm really not crazy at all, by comparison.

This month y'all seem to be getting something out of your system before Google starts selling your search habits to FreakCorp or something:

small unwashed little underaged beautify school-kids porn: Say hello to the FBI for me Humbert Humbert.

chewbacca in a dress: "Let the Wookie win," if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

people doing it: "Hmm. I want to search for something dirty. But I really want to keep my options open. I don't know WHAT I'm in the mood for."

activity groups for non-violent felons in North Carolina: Knock yourself out.

preventative maintenance humor: This is going to be the worst keynote speech ever.

dionne warwickdionne [sic] warwick dionne warwick and witchcraft Is this like a Candyman thing?

fucking over wine. Though it was punchy and minimalistic, ultimately Bob's first idea for the new marketing campaign did not impress the Turning Leaf Vineyards people.

andy griffith is a jerk Searcher had gone too far, and had best watch his mouth.

How to make children from chewing hands: No … that's not how it works. See, when two people — oh, God. Clark, you handle this one.

marc stephens sues ken white COME AT ME, BRO.

contrast the human representation between michaelangelo's pieta and isenheim: It is not possible to demand that David do your Art History homework for you. You must romance the Art History out of him.

6 Comments

The Road to Popehat: The Oracle At Popehat Edition

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we throw open Woopra's search logs, see what inquiries brought you here, and suddenly grasp why those "stranded Nigerian prince" emails are economically viable.

Today we'll be answering your questions. It's just a little service, from us to you.

can you be liable for downloading porn from Megaupload: There is one seriously nervous 14-year-old.

Why is it alright for Australians to insult Americans: Well, while it is true that convicted felons surrender many constitutional rights, they still retain certain rudimentary privileges.

is a police allow to record you on the phone: little known fact: due to overuse of allergy medication, that is verbatim how Justice Stewart defined the issue presented in Katz v. United States.

what breed of dog for shooting: Your local police department will tell you that any breed whatsover is suitable.

What the fuck is citizens united: The internet: alive with the spirit of inquiry.

could matt damon sue the makers of team america: No. No, because frankly though God loves me he doesn't love me THAT much.

what does the average small businessman look like: Tired. Very, very tired.

is it safe to go to St. Thomas law school: Sure. I mean, if there's a hostage situation, and they are besieged by a toddler with a sharp stick, they'll sacrifice you in a heartbeat, but otherwise, sure.

can cops legally tell u to shut up: No. But once you make "threatening moves" and "obstruct police offices" and appear to be holding a "dangerous weapon" they can generally get away with tasing or shooting you. So. Just so you know.

why fat people being offended? I'm just a little sensitive, ok? Is that so wrong? Wow. People on the internet have no fucking manners.

13 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Yep, Still Crazy Edition

Effluvia

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and wonder whether mass forcible institutionalization would really be that bad in the long run.

So, Popehat was dark for almost a month. We wondered — during that time, did the searches get any more — normal?

Judge for yourself.

Casey federal charges imminent/will the feds charge casey for the murder of Caylee: Oh, Caylee's Mob. Will you ever stop being stupid?

Objectivist Thanksgiving: "Gravy is Gravy! Now excuse me, I'm going Galt on the dishes and watching some football."

TSA sexually assaults my mother: My heart sank when I realized this is probably a new Rule 34 thing.

images of Darth Vader with Chewbacca: STOP COMING HERE FOR YOUR FETISH PORN. STOP.

phenomenal foreskins: DAMMIT

what to do when a fat kid bullies you: This is totally the setup line for a joke.

what if superman and batman had a baby: Imagine "rock-a-bye baby" sung in Christian Bale's gin-and-cigarettes Batman voice. There. Now you're never getting that out of your head. You're welcome.

racist food products I'd prefer to think this is about environmental racism or lack of fresh food in poor neighborhoods or archaic nicknames for Brazil nuts, but I'm pretty sure this guy's food screams epithets at him.

what hope is there for the world: I really, really feel awful about a person asking that question winding up at Popehat.

13 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Love Connection Edition

Meta

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the periodic feature in which we check out the traffic logs, determine what searches brought you here, and wonder whether an airburst-generated EMP pulse would really be such an awful thing.

This time, we're giving the people what they want. Specifically, lots of people come to Popehat looking for love. Why not? It's a place where people with similar interests and values congregate. Who are we to judge, or stand in the way? Let's see if we can offer some sage advice to people based on the search queries they used to get here, and even get some of these lonely seekers together.

nerd problems: I know, right? It's tough out there if you're not mainstream. But don't worry. There's someone out there that shares your interests. What kind of person are you looking for?

man who thinks he's a vampire in Massachusetts: Great! You've got a "type." Now, you want a strategy for your date. What are you guys going to talk about?

vampire political views: Uh, you know, politics can be dicey on a first date — but it's good you're looking for any sensitive subjects or hot-button issues. Are there any topics you feel very strongly abuot that you may want to avoid?

hot dogs kill children: Yeah — I think we'll leave that for the second or third date. Let's keep it light. Now. How do you envision this date ending?

going down on a man who isn't circumcised: Whoah whoah whoah! Slow down there! Let's set reasonable expectations! Take it slow.

brotherly kisses Much better. Look, I think you're ready. Now, you crazy kids go have fun. And be sure to come back and tell us how it went.

how to sue through the internet: Uh-oh.

3 Comments

The Road To Popehat: Midsummer Edition

Meta

It's time for The Road to Popehat, the feature in which we throw open the hood, look at the traffic logs, check out what searches brought people to our shores, and breathe a sigh of relief at the realization that we are, by comparison, well-adjusted.

In this issue:

how to observe the human condition: Get a blog.

casey anthony trial whats [sic] wrong with tour justice system: It's the tragic apostrophe deficit.

what to say if cop asks if you have had anything to drink: I imagine this guy frantically typing this into his iPhone's Google app while the cop waits impatiently.

origami space shuttle launcher instructions: NASA is going to do whatever it can after budget cuts.

how to write a letter like an attorney in a nice way: You're unclear on the concept, I'm afraid.

if Batman and Spiderman fought who would win: D.C. Comics.

tool of the capitalist oppressors.: That reminds me. Where's our July check from the Koch brothers?

extreme solutions for kids calling my son fat: Oh, this will not end well.

(ken's law): I know you assume it's "shut up," but it's actually "douchebaggery is not a zero-sum game."

what kind of letter should I send my lawyer: The kind with a check, deadbeat.

the most terrible thing EVER: I'm gratified that this search brought this person here.

asshole lawyers: Guilty!

6 Comments
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