It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see the searches that brought you here, and shoot an email to Rand Paul asking whether a vigorous program of domestic drone strikes is really such a terrible idea after all.

All of the following searches were used to reach us in the space of one week.

is constantly saying you are overpaid bullying: Not according to my managing partner.

is clint eastwood an asshole: Well, I like him, but my Barcalounger says he's kind of a dick.

i am in a wedding and got a subpoena for court for that day: Best excuse ever. Can someone subpoena me for the night of the charity auction I'm getting dragged to?

French man who line dances: I think I am finally at peace with Rule 34.

pictures of little girl on ventilator: No I'm not.

is there a lawyer I can call for pastor that has harmed me by playing god in my life: Regrettably, there probably is.

severe stalking ridicule and threats from perps while I am out and about with my family today: Um . . . go to the same lawyer as the pastor person.

how to beat blog comment spam filters: Go to the highest building near you and leap off the roof. The code will come to you in a vision on the way down.

will they forgive me if i commit credit card fraud: Well, are you sorry?

blog by ken white regarding global wildlife ¹: COME AT ME, BRO.

pope is on the road to perdition: And my nav system is broken.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, where we look at the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and wonder if voting is a good thing.

Thanksgiving objectivism: GRAVY IS GRAVY.

naturally assumed you knew what was going on: I love this defense, but it never works, in court or at home.

can we file a low suit on physic attackers: I think I found a way to make amends to Charles Carreon.

how rizona law applies to fuck parents having arguments and taking children somewhere else for the time being: TWO ways.

o my god Leave me alone: Keep saying it, but it doesn't work.

how to get it so people have to download images in email: A marketeer's evil is never finished.

why cheerleaders are won't shut up but tell someone else to shut up: High school: second closest place to hell on Earth.

what do you call a place where lawyers work: And in first place . . .

"big balls" being kicked: Rule 34, or seeker of humorous soccer videos? I prefer not to know.

am I going to prison for that SLAPP order: Regrettably, no.

ken popehat groupie: Line forms to the right.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, look at the searches that brought you here, and . . . you know what? At this point I'd normally say something snide like "wonder if Thorazine is covered under Obamacare" or "watch the Walking Dead for ideas on barricading structures to defendant against mindless zombies," but I've realized that I'm doing this all wrong. Thanks to repeated exposure to marketeers, I now realize that every search that brings someone to Popehat is a branding opportunity — a chance to alter our product to satisfy what the customers want. These people shouldn't be mocked. These people are giving us invaluable market data.

OK. Let's give this a try.

argumentative essay about some believe anti-islam film should to be free speech and others believe has to be censored: Yes! Here at Popehat, we will write your high school civics essays for you.

what family in the u.s.owns a well-known chain of discounts stores and is one of the richest families in the wirld: Sure, if you need help watching Jeopardy, we're here for you. That's the Popehat promise!

legal implecation effecting on wimpy: Yeah, okay. If you're at Yale Law and you need help, we'll see what we can do.

read gawker sites without going to them: Yes! We at Popehat are at the forefront of helping Redditors adjust to people on the internet criticizing them.

how to get rid of fucktards on facebook: Absolutely! At Popehat, we can help you find safe and legal methods, such as unfriending and closing the browser window and thus-and-such.

silenced pistol hunting: Yeah, okay, we're still going to have to recommend the unfriending instead, but we hear you and we at Popehat are all about respecting your strong feelings.

kenneth nice yelling: That you! We at Popehat are all about cultivating feedback and responding to it.

ai shit on the law of pope: I'm sorry if Popehat's legal suggestions have left you unsatisfied. We're committed to making you a satisfied customer.

choking on grapes statistics: Well, we're just shooting from the hip here, but we at Popehat think that maybe you shouldn't try to eat the grape statistics in the first place.

wat r da benefits of oatmeals: Yes! Popehat has a remedial language program. Thank you for asking.

popehat for pets: Oh . . . oh my God. This is the best branding idea ever. This is genius market segmentation. David, Grandy, I want "Popehat for Pets" live by next Monday. The pony stuff alone will be HUGE traffic. And "snort my taint" — it's absolute fucking synchronicity.

how to handle rude and unmanner behavior of mother in law: We at Popehat all have perfectly wonderful mothers-in-law and find your question inconceivable. However, I'm going to put you on our chat line with the Facebook guy above.

defamation for calling someone a dick: Yes! We at Popehat are . . . uh . . . okay. The customer is always right. But it's possible that the sorts of services we provide aren't ideally suited to you. Our core product is really aimed more at the free-speech-advocate. Can I offer you something in a "speech is not tyranny" post?

how to get a court order to take down a defamatory blog: Screw this. You losers are on your own.

It's time for the The Road to Popehat, the feature in which we look at the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and think to ourselves "how much would it really cost to install a panic room?"

This week: in the name of all that is holy, what is wrong with you people?

dirty whore Ken: Hey, now. Wear something nice when you come at me saying that. Or, you know, bring a muffin. A muffin works.

ON CALL PENIS: Go away. Just . . . just go away. Go away please.

www sexy pope images com: REALLY. Go away. I have a gun.

how would Christ respond to restraining order: Okay. That's a little better. Uh . . . "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, unto God what is God's, and unto your lawyer what is your lawyer's."

ethnic background of nakoula basseley nakoula: Swedish.

bestiality sex monk: You know, I'm not sure I'm going to like the prestige classes in the new edition of D&D.

i get angry watching my son play soccer: Me too. OFFSIDES? BULLSHIT. THERE'S NO WAY THAT WAS OFFSIDES.

popecrimes: I didn't choose the Popehat life. The Popehat life chose me.

police brutality videos 2012: I wish I could believe this person is a libertarian, instead of a fetishist.

what is the name of government that protects corporations: "government"

do hamsters have to go to school: Awwww. That's kind of sweet. Maybe it's a kid searching. You know, I exaggerated. This isn't so bad.

children masturbating with Jabba the Hutt dolls: OH COME ON NOW!

It's been over two months since we last explored what brings you hobbitses to this site. So it's time for Road to Popehat, the feature in which we review search logs to examine the hidden things, long forgotten in dark places, that bring new readers into the light spaces of Middle Earth.

This month brought out a number of people who are even geekier than we are.

Thief! Thief! Baggins!: It stole our precious, yessss it did, and when we catches it, we'll squeeze it!

O.J. didn't do it: That tricksy Baggins probably did it.

I have the right not to be offended: Then why are you coming here, praytell?

Cuckold say uncle: Cuckold need food, badly! Really, you've already cheated with his or her spouse. Do you have to twist the arm as well?

Please tell me that it is not likely that amendment one will pass in NC: We tried to warn you that it was likely to pass. Did you bother to bother to move to North Carolina so you could vote?

Crystal Cox batshit crazy: Do tell.

Koreans anal: Perhaps you should have typed 항문 instead?

How to avoid a probable cause affidavit in Colorado: I hear Utah's lovely this time of year.

Narcissistic disorder excluded from DSM: The original entry consisted of a photo of Ken, but a cease-and-desist letter took care of the problem.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the site traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and conclude that I'm really not crazy at all, by comparison.

This month y'all seem to be getting something out of your system before Google starts selling your search habits to FreakCorp or something:

small unwashed little underaged beautify school-kids porn: Say hello to the FBI for me Humbert Humbert.

chewbacca in a dress: "Let the Wookie win," if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

people doing it: "Hmm. I want to search for something dirty. But I really want to keep my options open. I don't know WHAT I'm in the mood for."

activity groups for non-violent felons in North Carolina: Knock yourself out.

preventative maintenance humor: This is going to be the worst keynote speech ever.

dionne warwickdionne [sic] warwick dionne warwick and witchcraft Is this like a Candyman thing?

fucking over wine. Though it was punchy and minimalistic, ultimately Bob's first idea for the new marketing campaign did not impress the Turning Leaf Vineyards people.

andy griffith is a jerk Searcher had gone too far, and had best watch his mouth.

How to make children from chewing hands: No … that's not how it works. See, when two people — oh, God. Clark, you handle this one.

marc stephens sues ken white COME AT ME, BRO.

contrast the human representation between michaelangelo's pieta and isenheim: It is not possible to demand that David do your Art History homework for you. You must romance the Art History out of him.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we throw open Woopra's search logs, see what inquiries brought you here, and suddenly grasp why those "stranded Nigerian prince" emails are economically viable.

Today we'll be answering your questions. It's just a little service, from us to you.

can you be liable for downloading porn from Megaupload: There is one seriously nervous 14-year-old.

Why is it alright for Australians to insult Americans: Well, while it is true that convicted felons surrender many constitutional rights, they still retain certain rudimentary privileges.

is a police allow to record you on the phone: little known fact: due to overuse of allergy medication, that is verbatim how Justice Stewart defined the issue presented in Katz v. United States.

what breed of dog for shooting: Your local police department will tell you that any breed whatsover is suitable.

What the fuck is citizens united: The internet: alive with the spirit of inquiry.

could matt damon sue the makers of team america: No. No, because frankly though God loves me he doesn't love me THAT much.

what does the average small businessman look like: Tired. Very, very tired.

is it safe to go to St. Thomas law school: Sure. I mean, if there's a hostage situation, and they are besieged by a toddler with a sharp stick, they'll sacrifice you in a heartbeat, but otherwise, sure.

can cops legally tell u to shut up: No. But once you make "threatening moves" and "obstruct police offices" and appear to be holding a "dangerous weapon" they can generally get away with tasing or shooting you. So. Just so you know.

why fat people being offended? I'm just a little sensitive, ok? Is that so wrong? Wow. People on the internet have no fucking manners.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and wonder whether mass forcible institutionalization would really be that bad in the long run.

So, Popehat was dark for almost a month. We wondered — during that time, did the searches get any more — normal?

Judge for yourself.

Casey federal charges imminent/will the feds charge casey for the murder of Caylee: Oh, Caylee's Mob. Will you ever stop being stupid?

Objectivist Thanksgiving: "Gravy is Gravy! Now excuse me, I'm going Galt on the dishes and watching some football."

TSA sexually assaults my mother: My heart sank when I realized this is probably a new Rule 34 thing.

images of Darth Vader with Chewbacca: STOP COMING HERE FOR YOUR FETISH PORN. STOP.

phenomenal foreskins: DAMMIT

what to do when a fat kid bullies you: This is totally the setup line for a joke.

what if superman and batman had a baby: Imagine "rock-a-bye baby" sung in Christian Bale's gin-and-cigarettes Batman voice. There. Now you're never getting that out of your head. You're welcome.

racist food products I'd prefer to think this is about environmental racism or lack of fresh food in poor neighborhoods or archaic nicknames for Brazil nuts, but I'm pretty sure this guy's food screams epithets at him.

what hope is there for the world: I really, really feel awful about a person asking that question winding up at Popehat.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the periodic feature in which we check out the traffic logs, determine what searches brought you here, and wonder whether an airburst-generated EMP pulse would really be such an awful thing.

This time, we're giving the people what they want. Specifically, lots of people come to Popehat looking for love. Why not? It's a place where people with similar interests and values congregate. Who are we to judge, or stand in the way? Let's see if we can offer some sage advice to people based on the search queries they used to get here, and even get some of these lonely seekers together.

nerd problems: I know, right? It's tough out there if you're not mainstream. But don't worry. There's someone out there that shares your interests. What kind of person are you looking for?

man who thinks he's a vampire in Massachusetts: Great! You've got a "type." Now, you want a strategy for your date. What are you guys going to talk about?

vampire political views: Uh, you know, politics can be dicey on a first date — but it's good you're looking for any sensitive subjects or hot-button issues. Are there any topics you feel very strongly abuot that you may want to avoid?

hot dogs kill children: Yeah — I think we'll leave that for the second or third date. Let's keep it light. Now. How do you envision this date ending?

going down on a man who isn't circumcised: Whoah whoah whoah! Slow down there! Let's set reasonable expectations! Take it slow.

brotherly kisses Much better. Look, I think you're ready. Now, you crazy kids go have fun. And be sure to come back and tell us how it went.

how to sue through the internet: Uh-oh.

It's time for The Road to Popehat, the feature in which we throw open the hood, look at the traffic logs, check out what searches brought people to our shores, and breathe a sigh of relief at the realization that we are, by comparison, well-adjusted.

In this issue:

how to observe the human condition: Get a blog.

casey anthony trial whats [sic] wrong with tour justice system: It's the tragic apostrophe deficit.

what to say if cop asks if you have had anything to drink: I imagine this guy frantically typing this into his iPhone's Google app while the cop waits impatiently.

origami space shuttle launcher instructions: NASA is going to do whatever it can after budget cuts.

how to write a letter like an attorney in a nice way: You're unclear on the concept, I'm afraid.

if Batman and Spiderman fought who would win: D.C. Comics.

tool of the capitalist oppressors.: That reminds me. Where's our July check from the Koch brothers?

extreme solutions for kids calling my son fat: Oh, this will not end well.

(ken's law): I know you assume it's "shut up," but it's actually "douchebaggery is not a zero-sum game."

what kind of letter should I send my lawyer: The kind with a check, deadbeat.

the most terrible thing EVER: I'm gratified that this search brought this person here.

asshole lawyers: Guilty!

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we open up the search engine, check out the traffic logs to see what searches brought you here, and then contemplate lives as hermits.

You continue to be an odd lot, don't you?

if federal agents break into your house can you shoot them: "Hey, officers, can you hang back for a sec? I have to Google something."

how do you dislodge a hotdog in throat: For the last time, POPEHAT IS NOT 911!!!

rapiscan weed in vagina: I don't think you've thought this cunning plan all the way through.

ken popehat gay: Actually no. But to be fair you're not the first to ask.

popehat illuminati: Our friends with the Goldfish Fanciers will be by shortly to discuss this with you.

how to remove doubt from your temple: Orthodoxy: APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD! APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD! APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!

journalist porn: Eeeewww. Wait, is that supposed to be JournoList porn? Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww.

complaints against a condesending [sic] rude professor: Um . . . not quite sure how to bring this up, but . . . .

nypd officer hard life: No doubt. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get fecal matter off broom handles?

road to popehat winning dwarf titties Glad you could stop by, Mr. Sheen.

Do you think that, just because it is a long, sunny, lazy holiday weekend, people stop coming to Popehat and banging on our doors and peering hopefully through our windows? If only. The Road to Popehat remains open on all state and federal holidays, my friends. Here's a sample of the searches that brought you here just over the Memorial Day weekend:

i will kill myself with a fork I can't tell you how proud I am that we have the first Google result for that one.

does there have to be a victim to be arrested for disorderly conduct: This is like a philosophical question. "If a drunk pees on a mailbox, and no one is there to see it, is he still a misdemeanant?"

can i buy a popehat?: I've decided to start an advice column with that as the title.

what are the most liberal search engines: Because I'm sick and tired of getting answers that don't conform to my preconceptions!

my date gropeed [sic] me and I dint [sic] like it: Katy Perry's first draft needed work.

ass google fuk There's no good way to interpret that.

. . . bear in mind that one of the most persistent search terms that brings people to this site is "naked eunuchs," or variations thereof (e.g. today's "nacked [sic] eunuchs").

It averages about 10-30 such searches per month.

Those people are out there. They vote. They want to shake your hand.

n.b. this is Patrick's fault.

It's time for the Road to Popehat,the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, note what searches brought you here, shudder, and drink ourselves into sweet, sweet oblivion.

Shorter this month, because Woopra has been acting up.

is it healthy for kids to eat salmon sashimi Let me tell you this: it's not healthy for your pocketbook. I taught all three kids to like sushi. Now they demand it. The four-year-old yells for a spider roll, eats all the crab out of it, and ignores the rest. It's barbaric.

metaphor for incomptetant [sic] You.

Delaware can I call the police for someone playing basketball in the street Jennifer Griffin, is that you?

white guy that killed more people than Hitler Pat Buchanan has a new historical theory.

will police arrest you in your underwear? "Because if not, I have a really outside-the-box idea for how to get away with bank robbery."

credulity.15 Upgrade to Beta .25 for only $79.99! No checks please. You have a lying face.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what Google searches you used to get here, and wonder if you're all playing a gigantic joke on us.

Our visitors are not mere idle surfers, but searchers on a quest.

What are they questing for? It varies.

They come here looking for answers to canonical questions regarding the great literary works of our age . . . .

colonel klink resistance is futile
has anyone killed more people than khan

. . . regarding music . . .

bagpipe devil's instrument

. . . and about other matters of high culture.

monkeys that try to guess what you draw

The come seeking legal advice . . .

can inappropriate touching from a parent not be molestation

. . . for referrals to reasonably priced legal services . . .

shitty colorado lawyers

. . . and for employment advice when they are particularly desperate for a job — ANY job — no matter how demeaning or vile.

how to become a member of the California assembly

They seek us in an effort to take control of their education . . .

when asking a professor a question what I should ask

. . . and their fashion choices.

will bra padding be picked up in an airport scanner

They come for advice about how to be a man . . .

how to be like Clint Eastwood

. . . . . and how to navigate the bleak dating scene as a woman.

when a man won't give you his last name

Some come looking for alarming forms of sexual gratification . . . .

ass pichers
gay furry scat

. . . as well as for fetishes that are . . . strangely alluring.

naked pizza groping

They come seeking information about modern political issues . . .

are the jews control washington
jews in the homo agenda
weird things happen when you talk about the illuminati

. . . for guidance on how to engage in the political process . . .

to whom can I complain about Obama

. . . and for answers to the most profound philosophical questions that face our society.

why sarcasm?

Finally, they come here to ask "who are you, Popehat writers?"

social awkwardness site:popehat.com
slutty popehat

I hope they all found what they were looking for. Except for the furry scat guy.