Ahem. Where was I?

Oh yes. The mailbag.

I received two identical emails from this gentleman inside a week:

Dear popehat.com,

I hope this message finds you well. My name is Austin Staubus and I am with Lanista Concepts, a premium boutique ad-agency located in Dallas, TX. I recently discovered your website and wanted to inquire about potential advertising opportunities.

Lanista Concepts specializes in increasing ad revenue through both manual and programmatic efforts and offers the most competitive and complete monetization solution on the market. As such, we are confident we can outperform your existing solution.

Further, we specialize in certain verticals and feel this could become a mutually beneficial partnership. If you would, please put me in touch with the person or department that deals with your business development so we can discuss further.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully,

Austin Staubus
Lanista Concepts Ad Agency
[address and phone number ommitted]

Today I responded:

Dear Mr. Staubus,

Thank you for your inquiry. I am happy to hear from a reputable agency, particularly a premium boutique.

We at Popehat are definitely interested in increasing our revenue, owing to certain recent expenses that prudence and confidentiality agreements prevent me from explaining in detail. To date our ad revenue has been disappointing. Perhaps that's because we've been focusing on manual methodologies of paradigm interstice optimization. It never even occurred to us to take a programmatic approach to monetization! That's why you're the professional and we aren't.

Though I am eager to hear more, I am concerned at your reference to "certain verticals." Which verticals are these? If our website has a horizontally-focused design, will they still work? Or does verticals refer to things that are very tall?

Also, I assume that we would have some ability to veto certain types of advertising on our own site. We are all men of the world here, Mr. Staubus, and not prudes. But there are some things that our good consciences will not permit to be advertised on our web site. We would have to have a careful conversation about certain juvenequinallian issues.

Very truly yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Austin was cautious, but optimistic, in response:

Hey Ken,

Thank you for your quick response. That was, hands down, the best first response I've ever received. Your website analytics look great, and we feel confident we can increase your revenue. Your reputation for quality content online is nothing short of impressive.

Here are a few facts about Lanista Concepts and how we differentiate ourselves.

A. We're a 100% fill remnant solution.
B. We focus on specific verticals.
C. Every website we work with receives a custom set up to ensure optimization (we're not a "plug and play" solution).
D. We put your inventory in front to approximately 3,000 buyers.

E. We provide seven-day-a-week ad and technical assistance.

All of the ads we run are brand-safe. You won't experience and pop-ups, pop-unders, or ads that would be intrusive. In fact, we have the ability to filter the units so our publishers don't receive ads that are contrary, or questionable, to the aim of their site.

Further, I apologize if my mention of certain verticals was unclear. By verticals, I simply mean the type of website. Our main verticals are politics and news. You would not need to change the design of your site. In fact, the layout looks great.

Finally, Lanista Concepts works with a limited number of sites. We only work with publishers we know, for a fact, we can help. We feel confident Pope Hat is one of those websites. Please let us know we can earn your business.

Sincerely,

Austin Staubus

Bored now.

Austin:

Thanks for your response! We at Pope Hat are heartened. We didn't know it was possible for someone to focus on our specific verticals. We assumed our specific verticals would go neglected. Especially Clark's.

But I have more questions.

1. You say you have the ability to filter units. Is your filter pony-compliant? Can you assure no pony content? I need assurance with Level 4 safety here. I can't and won't have it, Austin, for a pony ad to slip through and have you telling me you thought it was a stunted donkey or something.

2. What kind of methodology do you use to match appropriate ads to content? For instance, say you wanted to match ads to our series mocking spammers who send us solicitations for guest posts, even though we have been ridiculing that for years (see, for instance, http://www.popehat.com/2013/04/30/wont-anybody-think-of-the-children-and-the-ponies-and-the-ponies-attacking-the-children/) — what would you match to that? What about our series naming and shaming web advertising spammers (like so: http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/24/ponies-have-entered-the-popehat-ponies-have-entered-the-popehat/) — what would you match to that? Would you use heuristic algorithms? Are they vertically programmatic?

Very truly yours,

Ken

Maybe you think I'm being mean to Austin, by naming him here.

I'm not. Austin, and his company, need to learn an important lesson: spamming has consequences. It should.

Spamming lets companies send vast numbers of emails cheaply and hope for a few hits. Collectively it inflicts costs — strain on the infrastructure of the internet, wasted time, spam filter expenses, annoyance. That cost isn't paid by the spammers. It's paid by you, and by me.

Spammers need an incentive not to spam. This is one such incentive. Ladies and gentlemen of the marketing profession, when you spam blogs, now and then you're going to find someone like me who is going to name, shame, and ridicule you. You deserve it. You deserve it because, like a telemarketer, you're willing to annoy thousands for a handful of bites. You especially deserve it when you offer me the disrespect of a lie — when you say "Your reputation for quality content online is nothing short of impressive," as if you had any clue who we are, other than a blog email address you've gotten off of some auto-generated list.

I hope this embarrasses you, Austin Staubus of Lanista Concepts Ad Agency. The way you elect to do business makes the world a measurably worse and more irritating place.

Edited to add:

And, as a palate cleanser, one who didn't write back:

Hi,

I'm looking for a site to do a guest post on and found yours to be a fit. I have several articles on personal injury, DUI, criminal cases (and anything about law) that you might want to have on your site. I understand that you want nothing but the best pieces there so I made sure my articles are all fresh, informative, and original (absolutely free from plagiarism) . The article will have at least 300 words and will contain two links back to the site I'm developing. The piece is free!!

If you're interested, please let me know.

All the best,
Rommel

Rommel:

You magnificent bastard, I read your guest post!

But I have concerns. 300 words? That's like half of one of my mid-paragraph parenthetical comments. Also, I appreciate that you have posts on personal injury, DUI, and criminal cases. But we have very specialized interests. So I ask you: would it be possible to get a guest post on, instead of driving under the influence, riding under the influence? Preferably the post would be about riding ponies under the influence — of drugs or alcohol, not of the ponies (Of COURSE you're under the influence of the pony when you are riding it. How could you not be? They know all. They see all. We imagine we have free will, we imagine we choose our own path, but we are fools — we merely do their bidding [Their dark, pony bidding]) — but in a pinch it could be about adult horses, I suppose. Or camels. Or dromedaries. (Dromedari?)

I look forward to hearing more.

Cheers,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hello,

With everything going on in our country right now, my focus is making sure my kids are safe. I am a mama bear and I will do whatever it takes to keep my family out of harms way. With that being said, keeping everyone safe at every point of the day almost seems like an impossible feat.

I have a couple articles that are centered around protecting your home, and what to do if your city ever has to go under lock down like Boston did last week.

Would you be interested in taking a look at one of them?

Just let me know and I can send it on over for your review.

Best regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Hello,

Hope your [sic] having a great day!

I recently sent over an email in regards to submitting a guest post to you for your approval. Did you get it? If not that is okay! Just let me know if you would like for me to send the article over for your review.

Cheers!

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Dear Laura,

Thank you for your follow-up email reminding me about this one.

I, too, am concerned about keeping my kids safe. I, too, am concerned about protecting my home.

There are threats out there, Laura. I shudder to think of them.

May I ask — are you able to provide a post about protection of family and home from . . . from the most dangerous threat of all?

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me. Like you, I shudder thinking about anything harm every coming to my children.

Below is a article that is centered around keeping your kids safe in the city. I think you will like it because it is centered around children and keeping them safe.

If you like it, feel free to post it, and then I have no problem creating another article for your site that will be centered around protecting your family and home from the most dangerous threat of them all.

"3 Solutions for Keeping Your Children Safe in the City"

Let me know what you think, and then we can go from there.

Kind regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Lauren,

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, indeed, the city is dangerous. But Lauren, there are some threats — some risks — some unspeakable hazards — that are particularly endemic to the suburbs, and the countryside, and the exurbs, and the wildernesses and remote fastnesses, that are not present in the city, in part due to space restrictions and in part due to statist and monstrous zoning restrictions. THANKS, OBAMA!

I refer . . . to ponies.

I'm sorry to just blurt it out like that, but our time is short.

What can you offer me about protecting home and hearth and child against ponies, Lauren?

I've asked others. I've asked again and again and again. I've asked travel guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2013/04/05/town-without-pony/) and personal injury lawyer guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/12/17/in-which-a-marketeer-throws-her-clients-under-the-pony/) and advertising spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/24/ponies-have-entered-the-popehat-ponies-have-entered-the-popehat/) and lawfirm guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/08/a-dialogue-with-a-guest-post-spammer/) and travel advertisement spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/05/somewhere-away-from-the-ponies/) and degree-mill guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/09/26/ponies-101-introduction-to-ponies/) and auto-insurance guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/06/28/your-pony-is-in-good-hands-with-popehat/) and generic guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/03/13/like-spam-for-ponies/) and linkspammers (http://www.popehat.com/2011/10/08/just-as-well-im-pretty-sure-im-allergic-to-ponies-anyway/).

Nobody will help me, Lauren. Not one of them. Not one. No matter how much I beg.

Are spammers without mercy, Lauren? Is there something in the dark and pitiless heart of a spammer that WANTS my children to be victimized by ponies? Do you all HOPE to hear my little girl cry piteously "Daddy, daddy, the tiny little hooves, they hurt. Daddy, why does nobody in the online marketing industry care about my pain and terror?"

Tell me if you can, Lauren. My poor little daughter wants to know.

In hopelessness and equine despair,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Dear Court Reporting Service My Firm Uses,

Thank you for the competent and reliable services you have provided to us during various depositions over the last few years. Thank you also for the cookies, goodies, free lunches, and other marketing perks you have sent over the years, which help reduce our competition by contributing to Type II diabetes amongst attorneys.

Now . . . as to your spam email of today.

Your email was designed to convey the notion that you are versatile and responsive and flexible and ready to serve. You chose to convey that message by emailing me a . . . a skit. Or maybe you'd call it a short story. It's too long to be a vignette.

The skit began, without preamble, like this:

“You have to stop whining. You’re beautiful and I love you,” he said, “but I have to go.”

The speaker, we quickly learn, is one of your court reporters, talking to his dog. No. Really. And that's the part of the email that shows up in the preview window.

In the course of the rather lengthy skit, your reporter demonstrates responsiveness to clients when a deposition is moved from Los Angeles to the nearby island of Catalina. That's swell. If I ever abruptly move a deposition the day it is scheduled to a nearby island in violation of every rule of court and professional conduct, I'm glad to know your outfit can roll with the punches.

But I'm here to tell you: emailing me this skit, in an email titled only "Avalon," with a sales pitch at the end, did not come off as charming or imaginative or bold. Here's a sample of reactions from me, my associates, and my paralegals: "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!" "Seriously?" "Eeeeew." "Ridiculous."

Marketeers need to have some grasp of their audience. Your audience is made up of professionals wanting reliable no-drama service. You advertised with dramatic spam. Everyone here found it creepifying. I know people say "any publicity is good publicity" and "all you need is for people to think of you." But next time I need a court reporter and someone suggests you, I am going to think "wait — are those the people that sent the weird court reporter skit with the needy dog and the helicopter? Who else can we use?"

Seriously. Think this stuff over.

Fondly,

Ken

Hello,

I am currently working with DestinFlorida.org to find content partners that would be interested in posting a quality on-topic post to their site with a link back to http://www.destinflorida.org.

Our writer is top-notch and the content will be exclusive to your site only. If you are interested please let me know and I can have a custom article written for your site within a week.

Thanks,
Dorothy Gibson

Dear Ms. Gibson:

Thank you for the offer. I have reviewed the web site and am enthralled by the prospect of a post regarding Destin, Florida. Destin seems to embody all the qualities I've come to associate with Florida: peace and tranquility, good judgment, and shirtless people.

One issue remains. My careful search of the many activities featured on the Destin, Florida promotional web site reveals no pony-related recreation. This is not a problem: this is a unassailable prerequisite to associating Popehat with the site. Can you please confirm that Destin is pony-free, to a level of confidence of at least .9 PPI (Pony Probability Index)?

Thank you. I eagerly await hearing more.

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

You need not to worry about pony-related recreation. Destin is pony free.

Thanks,

Dorothy

Dorothy:

I am thrilled, relieved, and more than a little inappropriately agitated to hear it.

Would a guest post extol the virtues of Destin as a recreational locale? That might make a very pleasant change of pace. We write about grim things, Dorothy. Ours is not a place of carefree beach frolic. No, we write about injustice and censorship and brutality and violence and ponies and racism and corruption. Beware, this is a place for tears, as Scarpia says to Cavaradossi in the course of the latter's regrettable encounter with the Italian court system. So: a post about happy people doing happy things in a happy place would be like a refreshing zephyr, with adjacent condominiums and entertainment venues.

However, my concern is that a guest post about Destin would be a little too cheerful, a little too bright. The transition from one of my posts about wrongful convictions or one of Clark's posts about the impending overthrow of the United States government into a post about sunny Destin might be abrupt and jarring for our readers. So I was thinking: could your top-notch writer start the guest post with something ugly and sordid and low about Destin, and then ease in to the nice things? Like maybe if someone recently found a vacationing podiatrist from Duluth dead in the jacuzzi at the Hyatt and there was some unpleasantness, you could start with that, and with a discussion of what a pain in the ass it is to drain the jacuzzi so the water doesn't taste like dead podiatrist any more, and then you could segue naturally from there into Destin's beaches and pool opportunities and famous umbrellaed drinks and thus-and-such. That would be easier on our readers. Some of of them don't deal well with change, Dorothy, I don't mind telling you.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you again, and learning more about the pony-free beaches of Destin.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[no response]

EDITED TO ADD

My dear Dorothy:

May I quote what you said to me, Dorothy?

"You need not to worry about pony-related recreation. Destin is pony free."

There was a time when I could believe, Dorothy. There was a time when I had faith. There was a time when I had trust.

This is not that time.

I should have seen your crafty wordsmithing, Dorothy. I should have seen that "you need not to worry about pony-related recreation" might simply mean that the ponies would be upon me without warning and that my end would be swift. I should have seen that, rather than "pony-free," you wrote "pony free," smugly signalling a place where ponies obey no law of God nor man.

You deceived me, Dorothy. I choose to look at this as a learning experience.

Game on, Dorothy.

Ken

. . . . BECAUSE I AM GOING TO BE FEATURED IN A MAGAZINE THAT IS DELIVERED BY. PRIVATE. JET.

Below is an unsolicited email I received from an outfit that has been spamming my firm for some time. I have changed the name not to protect the guilty, but to deny them publicity. All grammatical and punctuation errors, bizarre grandiosity, odd capitalization, and general foolishness is in the original.

I wanted to take the time, as I noticed you are one of the top lawyers in San Francisco. [Note: I am located in Los Angeles.] After reviewing your profile and doing some research, I wanted to personally invite you to be the exclusive Lawyer in Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network for Los Angeles [Wait, I thought I was in San Francisco? Also, missing period in original.] I am the director of Tragically Insecure Living Magazine’s Lawyer Network: http://www.nobodylikeslawyerssoitismorallyacceptabletospamthem.com

What we are offering in this exclusive membership has tremendous value for our members, as we only partner with one member per category and market. We promote our members via our Top Rated Website http://www.imnottypingouthtatjokeurlagain.com/ along with being featured, in all of Tragically Insecure Living four magazines (NY, LA, SF, and Miami) that are distributed via private jets, in over 75 Hotel Rooms, and also mailed to multi-million dollar homes.

As you can see from our current list, we have an impressive resume of members, and are growing 15% a month. One important aspect that separates us, is the exclusivity you will receive with us. We only list one Attorney per category in each market; that exclusivity is not truly found with any of our competitors. In addition, there are various components of this membership, not just print advertising, as our magazine is very prestigious, giving our members a great branding partner. Along with being places online and in Tragically Insecure Living Magazine, we also perform a Press Release for all members distributed to over 20,000 News Sources, and usually placed on the first 1-2 pages of Google Linking our members profile to Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network.

If this is of interest, please fill this form out with some info, so we can set up a quick interview: http://www.tragicallyinsecurelawyer.com/I-have-no-self-respect/

Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network, a division of Tragically Insecure Living Magazine

Just as there are people who buy hair-in-a-can and respond to enlarge-your-penis emails, there are lawyers who will respond to this. Would you want one handling your case?

Edited to add:

I have elected to write back.

Dear Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network:

I accept your offer on the following conditions:

1. In all references to me in your promotional materials, you must maintain the uncertainty regarding my exact whereabouts. As you have noted, I am a top lawyer. But am I a top lawyer in San Francisco, or in Los Angeles? It is not possible to know at the same time both (1) that I am a top lawyer, and (2) in what city I am a top lawyer. This has something to do with an Uncertainty Principle, and possibly a cat.

2. I accept your offer to be featured in magazines that will be left in over 75 Hotel Rooms, but only on the condition that your organization warrant and guarantee that each such Hotel Room is equipped with the accessory commonly known as "Magic Fingers." In the alternative, I would accept a Hotel Room that includes a complimentary portion of Sanka.

3. Your message indicates that your membership is growing by 15% per month. My experts tell me that at that rate your membership will include the entire population of North America in only 12 years. That does not strike me as particularly exclusive. Also, I am concerned that the magazine will become rather heavy. So: how strong are your private jets? Will they be able to carry the magazine containing the pictures of every person in North America?

4. Regarding your press release — sorry, Press Release — to over 20,000 News Sources: (a) may I presume you will be using Comic Sans? (b) are all 20,000 News Sources reputable? I wouldn't want my Press Release featured on a non-reputable News Source. I trust your clear devotion to excellence and selectivity has resulted in a list of only the 20,000 most elite News Sources.

5. Regarding your mailing the magazines to multi-million dollar homes: can we arrange for my page in the magazines to be a pop-up? Because rich people can be very jaded.

6. In my featured profile, I will be mounted on a pony. I will require you to provide the pony. I trust this is not an impediment.

Very truly yours,

etc.

I have just received what I think is the most cringeworthy lawyer-spam I have heretofore received.

The spammer wants me, as near as I can figure, to refer auto dealer fraud and Lemon Law cases to him in exchange for a 20% referral fee. I don't have any auto dealer fraud or Lemon Law cases to refer, and if I did, I would never in eleventy billion years refer them to someone who spammed me or offered me a referral fee. I've never taken a refer fee and I don't plan to start now. I've never done business with a spammer and don't plan to start now.

What elevates this spam into the Realm of Cringe is the delta between the spammer's extraordinary self-regard and the fact that he's spamming law firms offering to pay for referrals of Lemon Law cases. The guy sends a footnoted biography in his email, and was apparently poised to cure cancer, and is a brilliant lawyer, but spams strangers offering $500-to-$10,000-case-referral-fees as a business.

Full email below the fold. Don't miss the level of self-regard in the bio. I've semi-anonymized it out of an arguably misplaced sense of mercy.

What kind of lawyer would respond positively to a solicitation like this?

Continue Reading »

Hi!

My name is Katie and I am contacting you to see if you would be interested in a guest or sponsored blog post regarding car accident or personal injury lawyers on your site (http://www.popehat.com/). If you are interested, I would love to have you or your writers provide the content or I can write the post as well! I can provide you with unique, high quality material and will pay through Paypal. Please let me know how this sounds to you. Thank you!

Best Regards,
Katie

Katie:

Can you identify the site that your guest posts would be linking to or otherwise promoting?

Thank you.

Hi Ken,

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I was either thinking of [actual law firm's web site] or [another actual law firm's web site] if you think that would fit better. Let me know what you think! Thanks again.

Best regards,
Katie

Katie:

Thank you for the swift response.

So, do I understand that you are a marketing professional in the field of social media promotion, and those two firms are clients?

Thanks,

Ken

Hi Ken,

Yes, you are correct and yes, they are. Would you be interested in a post regarding either of them?

Best regards,
Katie

Katie:

I'd be interested in a post about marketing professionals in the field of social media promotion who spam blogs with guest-post solicitations without first checking to see if the blog is remotely appropriate for the marketeers' law firm clients. Say, for example, a post about a marketeer who spams my blog, Popehat, a blog that relentlessly criticizes "legal marketing" like this, and has a popular and long-running series ridiculing inappropriate guest-post solicitations. For example:

http://www.popehat.com/tag/marketing/
http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/08/a-dialogue-with-a-guest-post-spammer/
http://www.popehat.com/2012/09/26/ponies-101-introduction-to-ponies/

The guest post might analyze whether law firms are well served by such marketing, whether they are exercising due diligence in hiring and supervising their marketeers, whether they'd like it if they knew their marketeers promptly give up their names when asked, and whether their marketing strategy reflects well on their reliability as lawyers.

Or ponies. Some kind of post about ponies would be swell.

Very faithfully yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Ken,

I will keep that in mind. Although it may seem that I wouldn't, I understand where you're coming from. I think a post on ponies would suffice. Have a nice day.

Best regards,
Katie

The point, gentle readers, is not just that Katie spams my blog for the benefit of her clients. The point is not just that Katie is either auto-spamming some list of blogs without evaluating their suitability, or else has exceedingly bad judgment about what blogs are suitable targets for her spam. The point is not just that Katie, who should have sensed danger immediately, named two clients to a strange blogger.

The point is now a familiar one: as others have said, outsource your marketing, outsource your reputation and your ethics. If you hire some SEO-snake-oil-selling-marketeer without understanding the industry, and asking tough questions of your would-be marketeer, and supervising what they do on your behalf, then some Katie or Katies may be dropping your name in an exceedingly reckless correspondence in a strange (in every sense of the word) blogger. Today I am on the Surfliner to San Diego and in an expansive mood, so I didn't publish the names of the client law firms to humiliate them for being so reckless as to hire one of the Katies of the world. Tomorrow, perhaps I will have slept badly, or my morning gruel will be burnt, or one of my minions will displease me, and I'll name and shame, as we often have before here.

Don't hire a Katie. If you don't understand what a Katie is, and don't feel competent to evaluate your marketeer for Katietude, don't outsource your marketing at all.

Re: OFFERED PONY BLOG ARTICLES — POPEHAT
From: pony_articles_com@yahoo.com

Dear KEN ,

I would like to inquire re: your interest in blog post submissions. My associates and I have wide range of experience in many areas. I believe we can offer you web traffic driving articles of interest to your readers, on topics such as PONY , _INSURANCE , and FIRST AMENDMENT OPPONENT. Also of interest may be PONY VICTIM COUNSELING , MENTAL HEALTH , CRAZY FUCKING LAWYER, and BRONY PSYCHOLOGY .

For your convenience and to improve the marketability and sales of your site, we can embed convenient shopping links for blog related items like PONY TACK, PONY HAT , and LIVESTOCK FEED .

Please reply immediately to indicate interest. Tell which article subject you wish most soonest.

Sincerest,

Kolabati Bahkti

Anyone who knows him will tell you that Brian Tannebaum is an acquired taste, like red wine or strong cheese or being hit with leather implements by expensive strangers in the basements of brownstones. Or so I've heard.

One of the things that makes Brian an acquired taste is that he enjoys telling people what he thinks, as opposed to telling them things he thinks they'd like to hear or things that might make people like him, or at least not back away from him nervously. He's particularly frank about legal marketing, which tends to raise some hackles. Ever since Above the Law chose him instead of me to write a column, which is fine because I'm very busy with important things and it would have sucked anyway, Brian's been doing his best to bring religiosity to the fuzzy-wuzzies. He's been explaining to the law students and young lawyers that it's all fine and good that someone showed up at your firm because you popped up third in a Google search for LAWER STABBING INOCENT TAMPA, but you've got to be competent and serve clients to be anything but a well-SEOed hack.

This message is not always universally appreciated.

The other day Brian wrote what is, for him, a rather restrained piece exploring the vapidity of modern legal marketing blather. This annoyed an actual marketeer, Marc Romano of Ignyte, Inc., who wrote Brian a perfectly hilarious angry-entitled-marketeer letter. Brian has posted it here. Go read it.

It would be difficult to say what part is my favorite. It's like choosing a favorite child. But if forced, I'd probably choose this part . . .

I have limited time here. I have seven law firms that we're rebranding and several holiday parties to attend in the evening by past clients who simply want to thank us for putting them on a positive path. They are all thriving and focused on the future of their firms as opposed to Brian who is desperately defending the past.

. . . perhaps because it reminds me so much of the infamous John Fitzgerald Page, online dater extraordinaire:

I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!

Why is Marc Romano so angry? I'm not sure. But I think it might be because his profession — modern legal marketing — depends upon a certain suspension of disbelief. It requires us not to laugh and point at the idea that the way to build a worthwhile successful practice is to embed key words and tweet on a consultant-approved schedule, as opposed to performing responsive, competent, dedicated work for clients we're capable of serving.

Brian laughs and points.

Secure people — people who don't have anything to be embarrassed about — generally don't get really upset when someone laughs and points and them. Just sayin'.

From an email yesterday:

Re: Popehat & Technorati Media Advertising Partnership

Hi Ken,

My name is Justin

Hi, Justin! Are we going to have a pleasant relationship?

and I manage publisher relations

Wuh-oh.

for Technorati Media, the leading social media ad network and blogosphere destination

They should put "the leading social media ad network and blogosphere destination" in UrbanDictionary under "Word Salad." You can rearrange it endlessly. "The leading blogosphere network and social media ad destination." "The leading ad destination and social media blogosphere network."

Popehat.com is a fantastic site and I would love to establish a partnership to help you further monetize your traffic.

Justin, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot here, but I think you're a stinking liar. I don't think you, or anyone human responsible for targeting me with this email, has ever "read" or formed an opinion of Popehat. How many sites have you called "fantastic?" Would you still have called us fantastic if you knew that we consistently mock your profession as substanceless, loathsome, and bad for everyone involved? Also, you used "monetize your traffic" non-ironically, so fuck you very much.

We're currently working with similar publishers, including LawyersAndSettlements.com, DocStoc.com, DailyCaller.com, Alternet.org, TopClassActions.com, AmericaBlog.com, TheFreeDictionary.com, TheNewCivilRightsMovement.com, CommentaryMagazine.com, QuickAndDirtyTips.com, Care2.com, RealClearPolitics.com, & ChaCha.com.

Similar publishers, Justin? In what way are these "publishers" similar to Popehat, or to each other? You've mashed together a seemingly random collection of political blogs and shitty commercial linkfarms and ad-revenue-placeholders. If your goal was to convey to a potential customer that you're a competent marketer who could tailor a suitable advertising product for my blog, you've just started the interview with the equivalent of puking on my shoes and wiping your mouth with my tie. Seriously. Did a non-drunk human read that list?

On the advertiser side, we're connected to great brands like Microsoft, Toyota, Ikea, FedEx, Clorox, Sony, New Balance, Disney, Best Buy, H&R Block, Macy’s, Intel, Taco Bell, AT&T, Mattel, Hertz, Levi's, Dell, Chevron, JetBlue, & Verizon.

Bleeeeeeuuurrghhhhahahhhhhh. You just puked all over my shoes again, Justin. And I really thought you were done after the last paragraph. What does "connected to" mean? And what makes you think that anyone would think any of those brands are suitable for advertisements here? I mean, sure, I can see how you'd want Clorox after some of Clark's posts, but do we really strike you as a Disney outfit?

Please let me know if you are interested and would like to hear more. You can also apply to the network here. Thank you!

Regards,

Justin

I am not interested, Justin, and I would not like to hear more from you ever again. Thanks!

Back in January I told you the tale of a marketing cockroach. Let's continue to call him Mr. Feculent Q. Pus-Crust of the Society For Cornholing Unsuspecting Children, thought that is not quite his name, and his business also has a more generic title known to attorneys in the area.

Back in January, I expressed my opinion that an unsolicited email headed FELONY ARREST, containing a solicitation for the SFCUC's database of potential criminal cases, was deceptive and disreputable. I expressed disquiet with this practice, both here on the blog and in an email to Mr. Pus-Crust. He became quite angry and threatened me with suit. Among other things, he hotly denied that he had spammed me:

#1 Automated emails: I certainly don't do automated emails; frankly I don't even know how to do one and therefore have never done one in my life. Moreover my 6 day a week work schedule will attest to that fact as well. Further corroboration is in the literally dozens of meticulous hand written notes on legal pads for each territory that I get involved in. I maintain these for years.

And then I never heard from him again.

Until today.

Imagine my surprise to receive an email from him with the title "FW: intent to distribute," which I believe is once again calculated to appear like an email from a potential client, one charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute.

Dear Kenneth,

As you can see, no one captures more pre-screened (for financial capability) criminal defense matters in Southern California.

If it looks like a fit, we can discuss the rights to this protected territory.

Cordially,

[Feculent Q. Pus-Crust, Cockroach Marketeer]

The rest of the email was a vomited-forth capture of a series of entries from their database of potential client inquiries, showing just titles like "accused of lewd and lucidious [sic] acts." I clicked on one of the cases to confirm that it led to a database, but did not review any cases, because I have no intention to use the "service." (Note: I have grave concerns about any model that solicits potential clients to post a description of their case on a website to solicit attorneys, because clients often admit things they shouldn't when they do so, which is a bad thing.. In this instance, I haven't looked at the web site in question, so I don't know if this company is taking steps to protect the interests of these potential clients from unwise disclosures. I sure hope they are.)

Anyway, I sent Mr. Pus-Crust a response:

Mr. Pus-Crust:

Apparently you don’t remember that you threatened me with a lawsuit for criticizing your spamming a year ago.

Remove me from your spam list forthwith.

Ken White

He responded:

Oh that’s right. You’re the guy with so much time on his hands and skill in jumping to conclusions. Now I remember.

I responded back:

Gosh, since you so lovingly hand-craft each solicitation, instead of spamming, it must have required quite a collapse of memory for you to forget our prior exchange.

Have you tried Ginkgo Biloba?

So: I think it's fair to say that neither Mr. Pus-Crust nor I have experienced a change in our essential character since January.

So. This raises a question. In January, in angry denial of my suggestion that he had spammed me, Mr. Pus-Crust asserted "I certainly don't do automated emails; frankly I don't even know how to do one and therefore have never done one in my life." His latest email to me raises some questions:

1. Did Mr. Pus-Crust start sending automated emails after that exchange, explaining why he sent a solicitation to someone he had previously angrily accused of defamation and threatened to sue?

2. Or did Mr. Pus-Crust hand-craft this email, but forget that he was sending it to someone he had angrily threatened to sue 10 months before?

3. Or does Mr. Pus-Crust have an eccentric definition of "automated?"

4. Or is Mr. Pus-Crust lying about not sending automated emails?

I don't know, though I think an observer can draw inferences from the evidence. All I know is that ten months after I told Mr. Pus-Crust that his unsolicited email was unwelcome and I viewed it as deceptive, and ten months after he got very angry and complained about my "unprofessional, shrill and reckless email" and my "false and defamatory comments on [my] blog," Mr. Pus-Crust sent me another unsolicited marketing email with another title I view as deceptive.

You might be asking why I'm not naming names. It's for specific legal and strategic reasons. Stay tuned.

Drunk, belligerent, ignorant, entitled, ridiculous — and still probably in the top quarter of legal marketeers in terms of credibility and competence.

The modern sell-internet-services-to-lawyers hustle: that's what it sounds like, and that's what we lawyers think of you.

Via Turkewitz.

The First:

Hi,

My name is David and I represent a leading Manchester based solicitors firm having specialist in Personal Injury claims. I have been tasked with sourcing advertising opportunities for my client and was wondering if it might be possible to advertise them on your website http://www.popehat.com/.

For now we are looking for a Contextual text links and I would appreciate if you could get back to me, if you think that we could take this further. 1 year or 6 months deal price would be good to know if this is possible to decide further. Payment will be through PayPal.

Regards,
David

Dear David:

I am very interested to hear your offer. We at Popehat are constantly looking for new income streams.

Certain conditions of supervised release make international payment in currency problematic. However, given that your client specializes in Personal Injury claims, and we have numerous claims of personal injury what require vindication, we're thinking maybe something could be done in trade. Tell me — does your Manchester-based solicitor firm have experience in pony-related Personal Injury claims? I believe they might be more commonly known as collyswopdopwobbles in Manchester rather than ponies.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Ken

[no reply]

The Second:

Hi! Hope you're well! Just thought I’d drop you a line to check whether you received my previous email?

I just wanted to ask if you would please consider placing a link to MyClaimSource.com? It is an information website that provides assistance resource on filing insurance claims. It also provides an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

If you think it would be of use to your visitors, would you please consider placing a link to my website on your page?

Thanks and have a great day!

Best,

Hannah Taylor
MyClaimSource.com

http://www.myclaimsource.com

Reply STOP to receive no further correspondence.

Dear Hannah:

Thanks for the suggestion.

Question: does MyClaimSource.com offer advice and support to ANY type of insurance claims?

Ken

Hi Ken! Thanks for getting back to me. So far we have covered auto insurance, health insurance, life insurance, medicare, travel insurance, and workers comp and we're still researching for more content. The site does provide advice and information about various provider policy and our goal is to make MyClaimSource.com an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

Hannah:

The authors at my site, and increasingly our readers, have a very specific and somewhat rare insurance concern.

We are concerned about pony-related claims.

We would be happy to hear of a site where we might find a like-minded community of people who have had experience navigating pony-related claims, and would happily link to such a site.

[no reply]

The Third:

Hello Ken,

I am Tracy Myers, a freelance writer and a regular blogger for homeinsurance.org. I came across your blog and must say that the informative content of your blog is worth reading. So I was wondering if you accept guest posts, and if so, would you be willing to publish my writing on your site? I'm looking to expand my writing horizons and would love to contribute to your blog.

I would like to give you a unique article on any topic related to your blog theme. I assure you that I will write the post exclusively for you. In return of the post I just need a link back to my site http://www.homeinsurance.org/.

Here are some of my writing samples:

[List of seven guest-post-spammer-style blog posts omitted]

Please do let me know if this caters to your interest. Looking forward to your positive reply.

Regards,

Tracy

Dear Tracy:

Thank you very much for the offer. We at Popehat are thrilled to receive an offer of a guest post from a professional writer. We have held a staff meeting, and by a unanimous vote, with only one abstention (well actually Clark was screaming. I'm not sure he was really following us at all. Does that count as an abstention? Or would you not count him as present in the first place? Do you have a copy of Roget's Rules of Order? Or is it Robert's Rules of Order? Roget is the Thesaurus guy, now that I think about it, right?), we have voted to invite you to submit any number of guest posts that you like.

We propose the following topics:

Ponies: Threat Or Menace?

Will My Homeowners' Insurance Cover Me If I Soil The Expensive Persian Rug In The Hall Because I Thought I Saw A Pony But It Was Actually A Largish Dog?

Which Homeowners' Insurance Companies Provide The Most Voluminous Policy Manuals, Which I Can Burn For Heat After The Pony Apocalypse In A Defiant But Ultimately Futile Attempt To Keep My Shattered Family Alive Just A Few More Desperate Days?

Bronies: The Quislings Of The Pony Occupation?

Screaming "Pony" In A Crowded Theater: A Post-Brandenburg Analysis

What Does My Insurance Policy Say About Weeping And Rocking Rhythmically?

We eagerly await your input.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[No reply]

From: anthony@outsourcedcontenttoday.com
To: ken@popehat.com

Re: Pope Hat Contact

Hi,

I have a client who is interested in purchasing an advertisement on your website, popehat.

Please let me know if you accept advertising.

Thanks in advance.
Anthony.

If you do not wish to receive any further communication from our company, please respond with "NOT INTERESTED" in the subject line.

Anthony:

Your email came in a time of desperate need. It's last stand time here. David is gone. Grandy is missing. Patrick is posting — well, best not to characterize it. Only I am l left.

We need funds to continue the defense, or Popehat will fall . . . to them.

What type of advertisements are you offering? What kind of remuneration might we expect?

The forces arrayed against us . . . I've said too much.

Please respond.

Desperately,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly – great site by the way!

I am seeking to place a single text link on your site for my client. I have been given a flat budget of $75.00 per year to place the link on your site.

Please let me know your thoughts on this when you have a moment or two.

Also, I am available via Skype, so if you have a Skype account please provide me with your username if you prefer to communicate in that manner.

Have a wonderful day :)

Best,
Anthony.

Too late. Too late.

Popehat pony, sans text, courtesy of Arthur.

In the email exchange below, I have changed identifying information. Replacements are in boldface. The use of [FNAME] and [BPNAME] is in the original. The email came to me titled "Quick Message for *[FNAME]*."

Hey *[FNAME]* – The reason I'm reaching out to you is because I recently came across *[BPNAME]* and thought you might be able to give me some valuable feedback — I recently (re)launched a new community for lawyers and law students called LegalMarketeeringPit.

A bit of background…My name is Mork the Marketeer and I'm the founder of PonyHub, the largest online community of pony professionals with over 4 million hits per month. For LegalMarketingPit, we already have 1,000s of visitors per month with some awesome bloggers (law students and practicing lawyers), but we have a LONG way to go! I want to make sure to fulfill our primary mission: to build the most entertaining and useful legal community online.

It's not easy starting an online community from scratch, so I hope you will take a few seconds to check it out and let me know what you think! Any thoughts? If you can hit "reply" and tell me just one piece of advice, I will be forever grateful. :-) Or you can give me call and tell me in person (# below).

Thanks so much and talk soon!
Mork the Marketeer
Chief Pony & Founder, LegalMarketingPit

ps – If you want to help out our team and become a blogger or syndicate your content from *[BPNAME]* onto LegalMarketingPit, please shoot me a quick note and we can try to work together

pps – We also send new members a free legal compensation report, so we hope you'll join us and help other members in our community by sharing your wisdom / expertise as well.

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