I'm wondering because iconoclasm and heresy abound in my SUV, and my efforts to steer it back towards orthodoxy only make things worse, as I've demonstrated before. The thing is, I'm not even sure if my church excommunicates. I suppose as a deacon I ought to know that, but I don't, which is really further evidence of the problem when you think about it. I'm at least relatively certain that I can't personally excommunicate anyone, and my desultory research into whether I am empowered to exorcise has been flat, stale, and unprofitable. But to get back to my original point, I think my SUV is some sort of cursed locus of heresy, because every now and then when I am driving the kids places they nail ninety-five theses of hot-place-bound blasphemy to my forehead. Like this Sunday:
Evan (8 years old): Daddy, I think Jesus was born 2009 years ago.
Abby (6 years old): Nuh-UH! You're making that up!
Me: Well, more or less. A little bit more, actually. More like — uh — 2014 years.
Evan: Wait, what? It's 2014? Oh NO!
Elaina (2 years old): 'ESUS!
Me: No. You're on the right track. We count the years from when Jesus was born. But the count is sort of off, because some monk fu . . . because some monk made a math mistake.
Abby: Like a chipmunk?
Evan: (offended) CHIPMUNKS. CAN'T. DO. MATH.
Elaina: HIPMUNK HIPMUNK HIPMUNK HIPMUNK. Where?
Me: No. Not a chipmunk. A monk, m-o-n-k. Someone who . . . uh . . . writes stuff down. He mixed up the dates.
Evan: Why didn't Jesus tell the monk that he got His birthday wrong?
Me: . . . I'm guessing . . . he didn't want to make him feel bad?
Evan: That's nice.
Me: Anyway, so Jesus was probably actually born in . . .
Evan: WAIT. Isn't Jesus God?
Me: Yeessss . . . .
Evan: But I thought God was God. If Jesus is God, who is God?
Me: Okay, see, that's complicated. Jesus is God's son, but Jesus is also . . .
Evan: . . . an' if Jesus was born 14 years ago, when was God born!
Abby: GOD wasn't BORNED! (rolling eyes)
Me: Right, God wasn't born, God was always . . .
Evan: But was Jesus born? Because Christmas is Jesus being born, right?
Me: (seeing the trap, unable to escape it) Right . . . .
Evan: So if Jesus is God . . . and Jesus was born . . .
Me: Okay, okay, okay, okay, I see where you're going with that. But Jesus is . . . uh . . . just one aspect of God.
Abby: I thought that was a bad word.
Evan: Like BUTT!
Elaina: BUTT BUTT BUTT BUTT BUTT
Me: [panicking]: WOW! LOOK! A doggy! Everyone LOOK AT THE DOGGY! HI, DOGGY! [waiving manically at woman walking dog down street, who looks alarmed]