Update! Tickets on sale now!

If you'll be in the Los Angeles area this June, and if you enjoy Golden Age detective stories, then the Hollywood Fringe Festival will be offering a special treat just for you: Kill A Better Mousetrap. This one-act comedy (with a legal twist!) by actor/writer Scott Ratner will be playing every Saturday that month.

My God, but the law is dreadful most of the time. Trust me. Really. It's insufferable.

So: best to take what pleasures you can when they become available.

United States District Judge Fred Biery of the Western District of Texas understands. That's why he wrings amusement from the dirty throat of the law whenever possible. Of course, that's easier to do when you have life tenure, a bitchin' robe, and armed federal marshals at your disposal, but the point is his spirit is admirable. Judge Biery is well known for amusing himself, and many of his readers, in the course of writing orders. Yesterday, in an order denying a motion for a preliminary injunction against a broad City of San Antonio ordinance regulating strip clubs, he enjoyed himself some more. The order is right here. It begins:

An ordinance dealing with semi-nude dancers has once again fallen on the Court's lap.

. . . and so on, in that style, until:

Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach a happy ending.

And in the middle, there is actual law.

I've now written myself well out of contention for any position of public authority anywhere, anywhen. But this sort of order makes me think that if I ever became a judge I could still have fun.

Enjoy. Judge Biery did.

(If you think Judge Biery's humor is adolescent, you haven't seen what judges and attorneys are like when they're being serious. Plus Footnote 5 is masterful.)

Hello,

With everything going on in our country right now, my focus is making sure my kids are safe. I am a mama bear and I will do whatever it takes to keep my family out of harms way. With that being said, keeping everyone safe at every point of the day almost seems like an impossible feat.

I have a couple articles that are centered around protecting your home, and what to do if your city ever has to go under lock down like Boston did last week.

Would you be interested in taking a look at one of them?

Just let me know and I can send it on over for your review.

Best regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Hello,

Hope your [sic] having a great day!

I recently sent over an email in regards to submitting a guest post to you for your approval. Did you get it? If not that is okay! Just let me know if you would like for me to send the article over for your review.

Cheers!

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Dear Laura,

Thank you for your follow-up email reminding me about this one.

I, too, am concerned about keeping my kids safe. I, too, am concerned about protecting my home.

There are threats out there, Laura. I shudder to think of them.

May I ask — are you able to provide a post about protection of family and home from . . . from the most dangerous threat of all?

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

Thanks for getting back to me. Like you, I shudder thinking about anything harm every coming to my children.

Below is a article that is centered around keeping your kids safe in the city. I think you will like it because it is centered around children and keeping them safe.

If you like it, feel free to post it, and then I have no problem creating another article for your site that will be centered around protecting your family and home from the most dangerous threat of them all.

"3 Solutions for Keeping Your Children Safe in the City"

Let me know what you think, and then we can go from there.

Kind regards,

Lauren Rose

Lauren Rose
PR Coordinator
SocialMonsters
lauren@socialmonsters.org

Lauren,

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yes, indeed, the city is dangerous. But Lauren, there are some threats — some risks — some unspeakable hazards — that are particularly endemic to the suburbs, and the countryside, and the exurbs, and the wildernesses and remote fastnesses, that are not present in the city, in part due to space restrictions and in part due to statist and monstrous zoning restrictions. THANKS, OBAMA!

I refer . . . to ponies.

I'm sorry to just blurt it out like that, but our time is short.

What can you offer me about protecting home and hearth and child against ponies, Lauren?

I've asked others. I've asked again and again and again. I've asked travel guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2013/04/05/town-without-pony/) and personal injury lawyer guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/12/17/in-which-a-marketeer-throws-her-clients-under-the-pony/) and advertising spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/24/ponies-have-entered-the-popehat-ponies-have-entered-the-popehat/) and lawfirm guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/08/a-dialogue-with-a-guest-post-spammer/) and travel advertisement spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/10/05/somewhere-away-from-the-ponies/) and degree-mill guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/09/26/ponies-101-introduction-to-ponies/) and auto-insurance guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/06/28/your-pony-is-in-good-hands-with-popehat/) and generic guest post spammers (http://www.popehat.com/2012/03/13/like-spam-for-ponies/) and linkspammers (http://www.popehat.com/2011/10/08/just-as-well-im-pretty-sure-im-allergic-to-ponies-anyway/).

Nobody will help me, Lauren. Not one of them. Not one. No matter how much I beg.

Are spammers without mercy, Lauren? Is there something in the dark and pitiless heart of a spammer that WANTS my children to be victimized by ponies? Do you all HOPE to hear my little girl cry piteously "Daddy, daddy, the tiny little hooves, they hurt. Daddy, why does nobody in the online marketing industry care about my pain and terror?"

Tell me if you can, Lauren. My poor little daughter wants to know.

In hopelessness and equine despair,

Ken
www.popehat.com

"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind," says John Donne.

But why stop there? Any man's (or woman's) fatigue or writer's block diminishes me as well.

Is anyone sparing any thought for the people furiously writing conspiracy theories about the federal prosecution of accused Boston Marathon terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev? Does anyone even care about the quality of home life of the people laboring to misinform their readers about federal criminal procedure and the contours of constitutional rights?

I care. I worry about whether Pat Dollard is spending enough time with his real and/or imagined family. I kvetch about whether Daniel Greenfield makes time to go to the dry cleaners and buy fresh tinfoil. I'm concerned that the folks at Jihad Watch haven't had time to pick up their prescriptions at RiteAid. I'm concerned that Megyn Kelly has had much less time to spend sneering incredulously at her loved ones. Is Paul Mirengoff eating right? And is John Yoo working out? You're only one person, John, and you can't applaud all the torture in the world all by yourself.

I can help.

I've made up some conspiracy theories and ominous observations about federal criminal procedure for you. Go home early! Catch a movie. Mow the lawn. Throw the ol' pigskin around with the kids. I've got this.

Continue Reading »

Snapped by my associate earlier this morning.

Safety Is My Goal

Hello,

I am currently working with DestinFlorida.org to find content partners that would be interested in posting a quality on-topic post to their site with a link back to http://www.destinflorida.org.

Our writer is top-notch and the content will be exclusive to your site only. If you are interested please let me know and I can have a custom article written for your site within a week.

Thanks,
Dorothy Gibson

Dear Ms. Gibson:

Thank you for the offer. I have reviewed the web site and am enthralled by the prospect of a post regarding Destin, Florida. Destin seems to embody all the qualities I've come to associate with Florida: peace and tranquility, good judgment, and shirtless people.

One issue remains. My careful search of the many activities featured on the Destin, Florida promotional web site reveals no pony-related recreation. This is not a problem: this is a unassailable prerequisite to associating Popehat with the site. Can you please confirm that Destin is pony-free, to a level of confidence of at least .9 PPI (Pony Probability Index)?

Thank you. I eagerly await hearing more.

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

You need not to worry about pony-related recreation. Destin is pony free.

Thanks,

Dorothy

Dorothy:

I am thrilled, relieved, and more than a little inappropriately agitated to hear it.

Would a guest post extol the virtues of Destin as a recreational locale? That might make a very pleasant change of pace. We write about grim things, Dorothy. Ours is not a place of carefree beach frolic. No, we write about injustice and censorship and brutality and violence and ponies and racism and corruption. Beware, this is a place for tears, as Scarpia says to Cavaradossi in the course of the latter's regrettable encounter with the Italian court system. So: a post about happy people doing happy things in a happy place would be like a refreshing zephyr, with adjacent condominiums and entertainment venues.

However, my concern is that a guest post about Destin would be a little too cheerful, a little too bright. The transition from one of my posts about wrongful convictions or one of Clark's posts about the impending overthrow of the United States government into a post about sunny Destin might be abrupt and jarring for our readers. So I was thinking: could your top-notch writer start the guest post with something ugly and sordid and low about Destin, and then ease in to the nice things? Like maybe if someone recently found a vacationing podiatrist from Duluth dead in the jacuzzi at the Hyatt and there was some unpleasantness, you could start with that, and with a discussion of what a pain in the ass it is to drain the jacuzzi so the water doesn't taste like dead podiatrist any more, and then you could segue naturally from there into Destin's beaches and pool opportunities and famous umbrellaed drinks and thus-and-such. That would be easier on our readers. Some of of them don't deal well with change, Dorothy, I don't mind telling you.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you again, and learning more about the pony-free beaches of Destin.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[no response]

EDITED TO ADD

My dear Dorothy:

May I quote what you said to me, Dorothy?

"You need not to worry about pony-related recreation. Destin is pony free."

There was a time when I could believe, Dorothy. There was a time when I had faith. There was a time when I had trust.

This is not that time.

I should have seen your crafty wordsmithing, Dorothy. I should have seen that "you need not to worry about pony-related recreation" might simply mean that the ponies would be upon me without warning and that my end would be swift. I should have seen that, rather than "pony-free," you wrote "pony free," smugly signalling a place where ponies obey no law of God nor man.

You deceived me, Dorothy. I choose to look at this as a learning experience.

Game on, Dorothy.

Ken

We haven't done one of these in a while, and I'm waiting for some responses about some contemplated posts and am generally lazy, so let's give this another shot.

Have you written a blog post you're proud of? Created some art that moves you? Gotten mentioned in the newspaper in a non-humiliating way? Found something you want to promote? The comments are open. Promote yourself, your kids, your friends, your bizarre and frankly disturbing social and political interests (within reasonable decorum, please). Have at it. (Remember comments with more than one link will get shunted to spam).

I'm not participating in any elaborate April Fool's joke this year. But if you are in the mood, have a flashback instead.

There's the greatest prosecutorial practical joke ever.

There's the time Patrick had to shut down his satirical North Korean Twitter account because a newspaper took it seriously.

There was the April Fools joke about Senator Lieberman.

There was the meta-joke about jokes by Patrick.

And there was the Turkewitz joke, which displays Patrick's talent for staying in character.

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see the searches that brought you here, and shoot an email to Rand Paul asking whether a vigorous program of domestic drone strikes is really such a terrible idea after all.

All of the following searches were used to reach us in the space of one week.

is constantly saying you are overpaid bullying: Not according to my managing partner.

is clint eastwood an asshole: Well, I like him, but my Barcalounger says he's kind of a dick.

i am in a wedding and got a subpoena for court for that day: Best excuse ever. Can someone subpoena me for the night of the charity auction I'm getting dragged to?

French man who line dances: I think I am finally at peace with Rule 34.

pictures of little girl on ventilator: No I'm not.

is there a lawyer I can call for pastor that has harmed me by playing god in my life: Regrettably, there probably is.

severe stalking ridicule and threats from perps while I am out and about with my family today: Um . . . go to the same lawyer as the pastor person.

how to beat blog comment spam filters: Go to the highest building near you and leap off the roof. The code will come to you in a vision on the way down.

will they forgive me if i commit credit card fraud: Well, are you sorry?

blog by ken white regarding global wildlife ¹: COME AT ME, BRO.

pope is on the road to perdition: And my nav system is broken.

I can't smack you with a gigantic wall of teal deer every day. My fingers would fall off.

So — instead, here is some short-form fun to pursue. Some of it may have been featured here before.

Literally Unbelievable: Some people taking The Onion literally, some people pretending to in order to get on this site.

The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks: I want to "punch" all of these people directly in the "taint."

Animals Talking In All Caps: These animals amuse me. And they would never abuse quotation marks.

Fat, Ugly Or Slutty: People on the internet are assholes. This falls into the whistling past the graveyard category. The people who are unbalanced by the mere existence of the project are particularly risible examples of humanity.

Not Always Right: Remember what Dave Barry says: someone who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

I'll bet Duke political science professor Mike Munger's classes in political economy are a lot funnier than the political economy class I attended under Professor Whatsisname 25 years ago.

Just for fun:

You may find Professor Munger's fuller explanation of the problem of negative externalities here.

Spotted on Facebook.

My slight reworking.

Have a hand at it yourself. The best entry may receive a fabulous prize.

We don't like Jack Stuef.

Jack Stuef is a low level troll, a self-styled comic and self-styled journalist who was forced out of WONKETTE (think about that) for poor taste. Specifically, his taste in subjects for comedic journalism, such as handicapped children. Now Jack Stuef writes for Buzzfeed, which is sort of like Reddit without a downvote button.

So when Jack Stuef applied his talents, formerly devoted to mocking the disabled, to a hit-piece on Matthew Inman of The Oatmeal, we thought Inman would shrug it off. Inman, after all, is the internet equivalent of a former samurai turned buddhist monk, living on a mountaintop, a samurai who has abandoned the sword for a life of contemplation of the idea of a sword, who can now kill with a stick, or a blade of grass, or the Shao Lin Buddha Finger. Such a man does not lower himself to street brawls with thugs like Jack Stuef.

Still, even a master swordsman must defend himself from time to time: This is the result.

You're welcome.

Re: OFFERED PONY BLOG ARTICLES — POPEHAT
From: pony_articles_com@yahoo.com

Dear KEN ,

I would like to inquire re: your interest in blog post submissions. My associates and I have wide range of experience in many areas. I believe we can offer you web traffic driving articles of interest to your readers, on topics such as PONY , _INSURANCE , and FIRST AMENDMENT OPPONENT. Also of interest may be PONY VICTIM COUNSELING , MENTAL HEALTH , CRAZY FUCKING LAWYER, and BRONY PSYCHOLOGY .

For your convenience and to improve the marketability and sales of your site, we can embed convenient shopping links for blog related items like PONY TACK, PONY HAT , and LIVESTOCK FEED .

Please reply immediately to indicate interest. Tell which article subject you wish most soonest.

Sincerest,

Kolabati Bahkti

The First:

Hi,

My name is David and I represent a leading Manchester based solicitors firm having specialist in Personal Injury claims. I have been tasked with sourcing advertising opportunities for my client and was wondering if it might be possible to advertise them on your website http://www.popehat.com/.

For now we are looking for a Contextual text links and I would appreciate if you could get back to me, if you think that we could take this further. 1 year or 6 months deal price would be good to know if this is possible to decide further. Payment will be through PayPal.

Regards,
David

Dear David:

I am very interested to hear your offer. We at Popehat are constantly looking for new income streams.

Certain conditions of supervised release make international payment in currency problematic. However, given that your client specializes in Personal Injury claims, and we have numerous claims of personal injury what require vindication, we're thinking maybe something could be done in trade. Tell me — does your Manchester-based solicitor firm have experience in pony-related Personal Injury claims? I believe they might be more commonly known as collyswopdopwobbles in Manchester rather than ponies.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Ken

[no reply]

The Second:

Hi! Hope you're well! Just thought I’d drop you a line to check whether you received my previous email?

I just wanted to ask if you would please consider placing a link to MyClaimSource.com? It is an information website that provides assistance resource on filing insurance claims. It also provides an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

If you think it would be of use to your visitors, would you please consider placing a link to my website on your page?

Thanks and have a great day!

Best,

Hannah Taylor
MyClaimSource.com

http://www.myclaimsource.com

Reply STOP to receive no further correspondence.

Dear Hannah:

Thanks for the suggestion.

Question: does MyClaimSource.com offer advice and support to ANY type of insurance claims?

Ken

Hi Ken! Thanks for getting back to me. So far we have covered auto insurance, health insurance, life insurance, medicare, travel insurance, and workers comp and we're still researching for more content. The site does provide advice and information about various provider policy and our goal is to make MyClaimSource.com an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

Hannah:

The authors at my site, and increasingly our readers, have a very specific and somewhat rare insurance concern.

We are concerned about pony-related claims.

We would be happy to hear of a site where we might find a like-minded community of people who have had experience navigating pony-related claims, and would happily link to such a site.

[no reply]

The Third:

Hello Ken,

I am Tracy Myers, a freelance writer and a regular blogger for homeinsurance.org. I came across your blog and must say that the informative content of your blog is worth reading. So I was wondering if you accept guest posts, and if so, would you be willing to publish my writing on your site? I'm looking to expand my writing horizons and would love to contribute to your blog.

I would like to give you a unique article on any topic related to your blog theme. I assure you that I will write the post exclusively for you. In return of the post I just need a link back to my site http://www.homeinsurance.org/.

Here are some of my writing samples:

[List of seven guest-post-spammer-style blog posts omitted]

Please do let me know if this caters to your interest. Looking forward to your positive reply.

Regards,

Tracy

Dear Tracy:

Thank you very much for the offer. We at Popehat are thrilled to receive an offer of a guest post from a professional writer. We have held a staff meeting, and by a unanimous vote, with only one abstention (well actually Clark was screaming. I'm not sure he was really following us at all. Does that count as an abstention? Or would you not count him as present in the first place? Do you have a copy of Roget's Rules of Order? Or is it Robert's Rules of Order? Roget is the Thesaurus guy, now that I think about it, right?), we have voted to invite you to submit any number of guest posts that you like.

We propose the following topics:

Ponies: Threat Or Menace?

Will My Homeowners' Insurance Cover Me If I Soil The Expensive Persian Rug In The Hall Because I Thought I Saw A Pony But It Was Actually A Largish Dog?

Which Homeowners' Insurance Companies Provide The Most Voluminous Policy Manuals, Which I Can Burn For Heat After The Pony Apocalypse In A Defiant But Ultimately Futile Attempt To Keep My Shattered Family Alive Just A Few More Desperate Days?

Bronies: The Quislings Of The Pony Occupation?

Screaming "Pony" In A Crowded Theater: A Post-Brandenburg Analysis

What Does My Insurance Policy Say About Weeping And Rocking Rhythmically?

We eagerly await your input.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[No reply]