Category: Fun

44

Waiting Patiently For The SEOer To Reply

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Joel Marami

6:46 AM (5 hours ago)

to me

Dear Business owner,

This letter regards to the website www.popehat.com

My name is Joel Marami. I am the director of digital marketing at NGRWebTeam. We have some very good news. We have discovered why your website has not been effective as it could be.

OUR ANALYSIS IS AS FOLLOW;

No.1 – The organic traffic to your website has been extremely low. We have measured it at less than 40 percent. It really should be at 80-90%. Since it is not, you are missing out on at least twice as much exposure that you could and should be getting.

No.2 – People who are searching for your type of Business on search engine like GOOGLE, YAHOO and BING are not being driven to your website due to an insufficient number of in-bound links instead; they are being driven to one of your competitor’s websites. This is business that your company is losing to the competition. This is totally unnecessary. Certainly, anything worth doing is worth doing well. With some adjusting this can mean an increase in business of many thousands of dollars per year.

No.3 – The social presence of your website is minimal to be most effective; your website should be actively found on over 10+ high social media websites. This increased social presence will expose your business and your website to people who live, work and frequent your local market and geographical area…If people are not aware of your existence, they will do business with one of your competitors instead. As the saying goes.. OUT OF SIGHT …OUT OF MIND..

Overall, based on our research, we can certainly improve the results you have been getting by increasing your Company’s online presence and resolving any critical online reputation management issues that you are having. We would also like to discuss your website’s conversion rate optimization with you. We can convert more of your visitors into becoming actual customer.

Invite for consultation…CALL NOW! Or Email Back. We can proceed from our corporate e-mail ID…this is just a once-off measure to avoid spam.

Best Regard,

The NGRWebTeam

843-606-1147

Ken At Popehat

8:56 AM (3 hours ago)

to Joel

Dear Joel:

Thank you for writing! I was staring out at the vast expanse that is today, feeling the slight tremor in my hand, hearing the faint red song, and wondering, wondering, if today will be the day that . . .

. . . and then your letter came.

"We have some very good news. We have discovered why your website has not been effective as it could be."

Wow. That is good news. I've been thinking about that a lot, Joel, and it's been a complete mystery. The market for foul-mouthed easily-distracted clinical-depression-prone footnoted free speech over-analysis is HUGE. HUGE, Joel. I have built the better mousetrap, where "mouse" is "your free time and peace of mind." The world should be beating a path to my door. Other that incident with the Thai food delivery guy nothing of that nature has happened.

"OUR ANALYSIS IS AS FOLLOW;"

We're fallow? That's kind of harsh, Joel, but fair. We have plowed deep lands in the blogsoil but recently have not left our seed. That seed would grow into strong things — mighty things, Joel — things like police abuse rants and Downfall videos and apocalyptic fantasies and innovative communications paradigms like "snort my taint." But we have not left it, and so nothing grows.

Can you help us?

"The organic traffic to your website has been extremely low. We have measured it at less than 40 percent. It really should be at 80-90%. Since it is not, you are missing out on at least twice as much exposure that you could and should be getting."

This is outrageous. All Popehat content is organic, localvore, fair trade, and non-exploitatively cultivated, except the Clark stuff, but that's cultural. Why are we not getting organic traffic? Are the big blogs stealing it with their fake "natural" content? That chaps my ass. Should we market more heavily in Portland? I'm not going to have to wear skinny jeans again, am I? Because last time a rivet popped and the shopgirl lost an eye. She has to wear a patch. They will only let her work in pirate-themed stores and she's terribly allergic to parrots and morally I just don't think I can go down that road again.

"People who are searching for your type of Business on search engine like GOOGLE, YAHOO and BING are not being driven to your website due to an insufficient number of in-bound links instead; they are being driven to one of your competitor’s websites"

Unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. IF ANYONE IS GETTING DRIVEN AWAY FROM POPEHAT IT IS GOING TO BE BY DESIGN. Ideally as early in the process as possible. Is there a way to force a popup before people surf to Popehat? It could use algorithms. As many as 3 if they are reasonably priced. The popup could say things like "our analysis of your web browsing history suggests that you're a huge whiny fuckstick. Are you sure you want to expose yourself to the sort of blog written by someone whose parting words to his seven-year-old today were 'don't make me teach you Daddy's leisurely crawlspace game'?" That way we get only pre-selected QUALITY hits, like a record of the month club.

"The social presence of your website is minimal to be most effective; your website should be actively found on over 10+ high social media websites."

Got it. Question of clarification: does it have to be our website OPENLY hanging out on other websites, or can it be subtle? Because I troll 10 major websites every day, easy. Yesterday I left an Eid al-Fitr prayer on Townhall that made three guys so scared they got their camouflage sweatpants out of the hamper. Then I left a meditation on truck nutz colors on Salon that triggered an editor, twelve interns, and half the readers and apparently made Alex Pareene lose focus and get his foot caught in an escalator. But those don't say "Popehat." Do those still work building our social presence?

"resolving any critical online reputation management issues that you are having."

That would be great. I have a list of words. I want our site to be unassociated with those words and those words to have nothing to do with our reputation. The words include "taint" and "pony" and "twatwaffle," all of which we regret for various legal and philosophical reasons. What can you do for us? Can you manage us to be more cool-popular? Is it anything like managing a boy band? Can I be the cute one? I always have to be the sullen one. I've been the sullen one for forty-five years and it fucking SUCKS. I am THROUGH with it.

So see what you can do for me, Joel.

Very truly yours,

Ken

www.popehat.com

21

Sorry, Melissa

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I have a latecoming apology.

25 years ago this summer, when I interned at the Los Angeles County District Attorney's Office during college, I was assigned to a project with Melissa, another intern. We helped research and design "caught" posters. Imagine a wanted poster with a person's photo, only instead of saying the person is wanted, it says they have been convicted of a crime and states their sentence. The DA's Office printed the posters and put them up in the gang-controlled neighborhoods from which the defendants sprang. The DA's office thought that public shaming of gang members through four-color posters in their neighborhoods would be a effective deterrent against armed robberies and drug murders. That was the extent of the DA's Office's grasp of sociology. My excuse is that I was 19.

Anyway, one Friday when Melissa left early, I left her a panicked message saying that the poster we had just crafted and released and had posted was wrong, because the defendant — let's call him John Smith — had not been convicted of homicide in violation of California Penal Code section 187, but of unlawful operation of an unlicensed riding mower in violation of City Code section 187, and that there was talk of a lawsuit and a press conference, and the DA wanted to talk to us. This was hard to confirm or deny on a weekend because there was no internet at the time on which Melissa could look up either Mr. Smith or the LA City Code.

That was mean. Sorry Melissa.

An Election is Simply a Festival for the Majority!

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I speak now to the minority:

I apologize for not posting more. I've had many interesting ideas swirling around my head, each of them the potential kernel of a good blog post.

…but I've strangely lost the urge, energy, or whatever to turn ideas into bytes-on-the-page.

I still hope to sit my ass down and generate some content at some point, but until then, feel free to watch this video of me before I was expelled from Japan and emigrated to America. My opinions have changed not a whit.

Crimea

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The most beautiful land I've ever stormed
Crimea, Crimea, Crimea, Crimea….

All the beaches and dachas and woods where my army swarmed
Crimea, Crimea, Crimea, Crimea….

Putin-SingingCrimea!
I've just annexed all of Crimea,
And suddenly Ukraine
Will never be the same
To me.

Crimea!
I've just held a vote in Crimea,
And suddenly I've shown
How vain a threat or drone
Can be!

Crimea!
Take by force, and we're there in person.
By decree, and we're edging toward Kherson….

Crimea,
I'll keep occupying Crimea!

The most beautiful land I've ever stormed:
Cri-meeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaa.

Also, The Pony Will Need Three References

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Hi Ken,

I’m Rebecca Gray from Backgroundchecks.org. I love writing guest posts for blogs that interest me. It's a great way to expand one's portfolio, network with other bloggers, and learn new things.

That being said, I was wondering if I could write a guest post for you. The article will be unique and specifically tailored as per the theme of your blog. I’ll just include a reference to my site in the author byline at the end of the article.

Please let me know if you are interested.

Thanks,
Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

Happy New Year! I'm pleased that we can provide an opportunity to expand someone's portfolio.

We're excited to hear that you can offer specifically tailored guest posts per the theme of our blog. Most people don't get the theme of our blog quite frankly.

So: I see you are from Backgroundchecks.org. Can you provide a specifically tailored guest post about background checks? If so I have a few specifications and questions for such a post.

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken,

Thanks for the response. Well, I would love to write an article related to background checks. Please let me know if you have any specific topic in mind.

Best,
Rebecca

Rebecca:

Well, here's the thing. Most available articles about background checks involve people.

Now I grant you that in many ways this is sensible. Man, we are told, is the most dangerous game. Also not an island, and the bastard, and to the extent he is good, hard to find. Man is also a battlefield, if I recall correctly.

But what about other threats?

Is it possible to run a background check on a pony?

Now, wait. I recognize you will see this as immediately preposterous. "What kind of idiot has to run a background check on a pony," you might be thinking. "A pony is overtly hazardous, a patent threat by definition. You might as well run a background check on a puddle of acid or a board with a rusty nail or R. Kelly."

But there are gradations of risk, Rebecca. We deal with them every day. Do I speed up to make that yellow light, or slow down? Do I try skydiving, or not? Do I eat another Double-Double animal style from In-N-Out Burger even though my entire abdomen is so taut and bloated that my vision is blurred and I can feel my pulse in my scrotum?

All ponies are wicked and hazardous, but surely some ponies are more deadly than others. For instance, though all ponies would bite our precious children given a suitable opportunity, some have actually done so and developed a taste for man-flesh that torments their dreams and makes them shudder when darling little hands run over their manes. Any pony MIGHT kill a man, but some ponies HAVE killed a man, and have begun to develop . . . . skills. It's like the difference between a job applicant who has a proven record of being repeatedly fired for incompetence, and one who merely has visible barbed wire or tribal tattoos.

So: I guess what I'm looking for is an article on the extent to which modern technology and investigative methods has made it practicable to run background checks on ponies before one retains their services for one purpose or another.

Also: our readers have grown extremely wary to the point of unmedicated phobia about ponies. So the article should be ABOUT ponies but under no circumstances should the article SAY "pony" or directly mention anything clearly pony-related like "hoof" or "snort" or "rend." Kindly employ a euphemism instead, viz. "In this article I will discuss whether it is possible to run a background check on William Howard Taft, 27th President of the United States of America, in order to protect your children."

Trusting that these terms will be agreeable, I remain very sincerely yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Mickens, A Systems Carol

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If you've been hangin' around here lately, and you're lookin' to cleanse the computer fakery, mistakery, and opaquery from your palate, look no further than the brilliant and hilarious essay The Night Watch, by the hilarious and brilliant James Mickens of Microsoft. Bonus: he's a good writer. Here's his self-blurb from the MS research site:

Excellence. Quality. Science. These are just a few of the words that have been applied to the illustrious research career of James Mickens. In the span of a few years, James Mickens has made deep, fundamental, and amazing contributions to various areas of computer science and life. Widely acknowledged as one of the greatest scholars of his generation, James Mickens ran out of storage space for his awards in 1992, and he subsequently purchased a large cave to act as a warehouse/fortress from which he can defend himself during the inevitable robot war that was prophesied by the documentary movie “The Matrix.” In his spare time, James Mickens enjoys life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, often (but not always) in that order, and usually (almost always) while listening to Black Sabbath.

The Road To Popehat: "This Will Not Turn Out Well" Edition

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It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and ask ourselves: why democracy, again?

This time: searches over the course of a single week, showing cunning plans that will not end well.

sample takedown request libel: COME AT ME BRO.

pro se litigant at divorce trial bad idea? Pardon me while I guffaw.

how to hide drugs from a police drug dog: You can wire your fee deposit to my trust account right away. I'll call the bail broker.

how to make violence funny: To you, or the victim?

where to put spy cam in bathroom: Isn't that what your LA is for, Congressman?

classy status for Facebook slander: Please. Facebook libel.

how long can you do rape in nm: NOT AT ALL. Jesus. I mean, unless you're a cop.

when is discrimination acceptable when recruiting: Oh, hey, is Ambercrombie hiring again?

minnesota state law on slapping a 16 year old: Have a glass of wine and take a walk first.

does a bullet leave the registered owners encription: No, seriously. WINE AND WALK. It's your kid for God's sake.

does disorderly conduct break the constitution: That depends on how hard you try.

looking for a classy big gold neck piece: Good luck with that.

thanksgiving objectivism: I understand you're very excited about what you learned first semester freshman year, but maybe some light chat about sports over dinner instead?

laws to protect elves: Sorry Hermey. You're on your own.

I Am Thankful For This Bit Of Fun

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Urban Ministries of Durham, a low-overhead charity devoted to assisting the elderly poor of Durham, North Carolina, has kicked off an interesting donation drive: naming rights for items that will assist their clients.

The items are many: toilets, canned vegetables, computers, a group meal donated by a local chef, a deodorant. Your naming options are virtually limitless. Name the item for your spouse, your child, your friend, your enemy, or someone you admire.

I donated the cost of a hygiene product, in the name of a prominent North Carolina politician.

Art Pope Adult Diaper of Infamy

 

The site allows you to advise the subject of your honor by email. You may inform your friends through Facebook or Twitter of your cleverness, or keep your good deed to yourself, taking private satisfaction in the knowledge that the Kathleen Sebelius Processed Meat Product of Managerial Incompetence is now a reality.

This is a clever use of social media, for a worthy charity. Why NOT brighten someone's day with the Anthea Butler Maxi-Pad of Supercilious Stupidity?

Update:

Now look what you people made me do:

John Steele Tampon of Stubborn Litigiousness

Another Hammer Drops On Prenda Law

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All of Popehat's Prenda coverage is collected here.

Last month I used up all the ones and zeroes in order to describe the trouble Prenda Law and the Prendateers are in across America. Could it get worse? Of course it could get worse. Today it did.

As you may recall, United States Magistrate Judge Franklin L. Noel reopened several closed Prenda cases in the United States District Court for the District of Minnesota to explore whether Prenda had committed fraud at the court. After a hearing that will render Thanksgiving dinners at the Steele household forever awkward, Team Prenda attempted to disqualify Magistrate Judge Noel based on extravagant accusations of bias. You know, because that worked out so well for them with Judge Wright.

Today Magistrate Judge Noel dropped another hammer on Team Prenda. Unlike Judge Wright, he didn't dress up his order with Star Trek references. Team Prenda probably wishes he had.

The order is here. It's ugly for Team Prenda. After reciting the procedural history — and noting the growing array of judges that have sanctioned Team Prenda — Judge Noel made factual findings:

 

  • He "expressly disbelieves [John] Steele’s testimony" that Steele heard Alan Cooper give Mark Lutz permission to sign Cooper's name to copyright assignments.
  • He found that even though he had ordered Team Prenda to produce someone who could testify directly that the copyright assignments were valid — that is, whoever signed them —  that they "failed to produce an officer who was capable of testifying to the authenticity of each copyright assignment agreement."  He noted "the recent pattern of Lutz failing to appear when he is scheduled to testify under oath."
  • He described Alan Cooper's testimony — that Cooper never gave anyone permission to sign his name, and that Cooper didn't know his name was being used – and concluded that he "finds Cooper’s testimony credible."

This will be extremely difficult for Prenda to attack. A judge's evaluation of the credibility of witnesses at a hearing is entitled to great deference on any appeal.

From there, Magistrate Judge Noel made conclusions of law:

The copyright-assignment agreements attached as Exhibit B to each complaint in each of these five cases are not what they purport to be. Alan Cooper denies signing either agreement and also denies giving anyone else the authority to sign them on his behalf. AF Holdings failed to produce any credible evidence that the assignments were authentic. The Court has been the victim of a fraud perpetrated by AF Holdings, LLC. The Court concludes that the appropriate remedy for this fraud is to require AF Holdings to return all of the settlement money it received from all of the Defendants in these cases, and to pay all costs and fees (including attorneys’ fees) incurred by the Defendants. After all settlement payments are returned and other fees are paid, all five cases should be dismissed on the merits, with prejudice. [emphasis added]

Echoing Judge Wright, Magistrate Judge Noel left the rest up to other authorities:

The Court further concludes that, once all of the ill-gotten gains are fully disgorged from AF Holdings, it would not be a wise use of the Court’s limited resources to sua sponte attempt to fully untangle the relationship between Hansmeier, Steele, Duffy, Dugas, Lutz and Prenda Law, on the one hand—and the Plaintiff, AF Holdings, LLC., on the other. Such investigation can more effectively be conducted by federal and state law enforcement at the direction of the United States Attorney, the Minnesota Attorney General and the Boards of Professional Responsibility in the jurisdictions where the attorneys involved in this apparent scheme are licensed to practice law.

The judge also denied Mr. Cooper's motion to intervene in the case (as his decision rendered it moot) and denied as meritless the motion to disqualify him.

Savor this, from the ending summary of action ordered:

3. The Clerk of Court shall send a copy of this order to the following individuals and entities for the purpose of further investigation:

A. The United States Attorney’s Office for the District of Minnesota. ATTN: John R. Marti, Acting United States Attorney. Address: U.S. Courthouse, 300 S. 4th St., Suite 600, Minneapolis, MN 55415.

B. The Minnesota Attorney General’s Office. ATTN: Lori Swanson, Attorney General. Address: 1400 Bremer Tower, 445 Minnesota St., St. Paul, MN 55101.

C. The Minnesota Lawyers Professional Responsibility Board, Office of Lawyers Professional Responsibility. Address: 1500 Landmark Towers, 345 St. Peter St., St. Paul 55102.

D. The Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commission of the Supreme Court of Illinois. Address: 130 E. Randolph Dr., Ste. 1500, Chicago, IL 60601-6219.

The wheels turn slowly, friends, but make no mistake, the wheels turn. The wheels are grinding down Team Prenda, and doing so faster and faster every month. With two different federal judges referring the matter to state bars and the U.S. Attorney's office, the probability of bar investigations and federal grand jury investigations approaches certainty.

Journal of the Shutdown: Back to How Things Used to Be

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Time counts and keeps countin', and we knows now finding the trick of borrowing trillions ain't no easy ride. But that's our trek, we gotta' travel it. And there ain't nobody knows where it's gonna' lead.

Still in all, every night we does the tell, so that we 'member who we was and where we came from… but most of all we 'members the men that funded us. And we lights the bonfire of billions, borrowed from the Chinese. 'Cause we knows there come a night, when they sees the distant light, and they'll be comin' home.

Journal of the Shutdown: Day 16

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A neighbor hammered on my bunker door this morning, telling me that the Republicans were refusing to pay for her birthcontrol. I dogged the hatch tighter.


Turning and turning in the widening partisanship,
The leaders cannot hear the lobbyists;
Budgets fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere Republicans are loosed upon the world,
Website-dimmed healthcare is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of national parks is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of governing intensity.

Surely some fluke is at hand;
Surely birth control funding is at hand.
Birth Control Funding! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Cadueus
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with pharmacist body and a cash register head,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is selling over the counter options, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant tidewater birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty days of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough deal, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Washington to be born?

(apologies and image footnote)