Author: Patrick Non-White

23

The Speechfather

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It was late when Zach arrived back at the mall from the newspaper office. The entrance was blocked by a restraining order, partially shredded. Zach and Tom walked on, past the two Human Rights Commissioners the government had stationed to prevent further Hate Speech against the Corleone family, and the good name of Italian-Americans everywhere. The door was opened by another Human Rights Commissioner. wearing an outsized coat and vest over a big belly. Zach thought the Commissioner sure was fat, then banished that thought, as a form of body-shaming. As the over-sized Commissioner held the door, Zach reflected:

Body-shaming is ubiquitous and abhorrent; it happens everywhere, to pretty much everyone, at one time or another. It is especially levied against women, who are shamed for being skinny, for being tall, for being short, for having large breasts, for having small breasts, for having tattoos, for not having tattoos, for body hair, for dressing as they will, for being sexy, for being prudish, for being smart, for having interests outside STEM. Women are shamed at some point for being pretty much anything while also being female, including for being ugly (and failing to serve a purpose as a beauty object) and for being pretty (which must mean they are vapid or dumb). Zach shuddered that he had fallen into the trap of fat-shaming. The vest was no doubt padded with writs, for the protection of the Corleone family and others against harassment and hate speech, but even if it wasn't, the Human Rights Commissioner had a right to dignity, and to revel in his own body.

Inside, Sonny, Clemenza, and Tessio were waiting. Sonny came to Zach, and took the young student-columnist's head into his hands, saying kiddingly, "Beautiful, beautiful, that police captain sure knocked you up real good."

It was Tom who spoke first, over the stunned objections of Clemenza and Tessio: "Sonny, 'knocked up' is an outdated phrase used by anti-woman bigots and mansplainers to describe pregnancy. It implies, to right-thinking people, an element of physical violence, and if I may say so, using that term is a monstrous form of Hate Speech. It denigrates women, and it denigrates choice, the choice that each woman has to decide for herself whether to terminate an unwanted fetus."

"Sorry Tom," Sonny muttered. "It won't happen again." Zach and Tom walked into the room, and closed the door.

"Jesus Christ, Zach, the old man's barely talking," said Clemenza.

Tessio spoke up, "Pete, has it occurred to you that Zach might not be a Catholic, that Zach might not be a Christian, that Zach might be an Atheist, or a Muslim, or a Jew? When you invoke that name, you're excluding people of faiths outside Christianity (which I might add is responsible for 2,000 years of genocide and repression), and people of no faith. You're talking Hate Speech, and if weren't for the law of omerta, I'd turn you in right now."

Sonny added, "Sal, you're right, but I should add that referring to the Don as 'the Old Man' is ageist. It connotes senility, and at the same time grants him an authority he doesn't necessarily deserve. We can do better than this. It's a form of Hate Speech, and it should be against the law, if it isn't already."

All five men remained silent, for a few minutes, reflecting on their crimes.

Finally, Zach broke the silence. "What have we heard about the Turk?"

"JESUS CHRIST!" the other four interjected, then hung their heads in shame.

"Mister Sollozzo is holed up with that police captain," Tom said at last. "He's untouchable with that kind of protection. What you have to understand is that no one has ever attacked a New York police captain. All of the five families, and the Human Rights Commission, would turn against us."

"You get me a gun, and I'll kill him," said Zach. "And I won't do it out of any racial or religious animus. I'll do it out of respect for my father."

Sonny hugged Zach, violently, smiled, and said "Tom, this is speech, and this man's taking it very personal. It ain't like the war. You gotta get up on top of them until you see the whites of their eyes and then BADA-BING! All over your nice Ivy League suit!"

Clemenza sighed, "Sonny, I wish you hadn't said that. The Bada-Bing is a strip club in a racist melodrama that denigrates Italian-Americans as gangsters, sexists, and thugs. The media have promoted this stereotype through a plethora of mafia movies. It's fair to say that a disproportionate number of Italian-Americans have been portrayed as hoodlums by Hollywood. Though not to the same extent as people of color, marginalized European-Americans, such as Italian-Americans, Greek-Americans, Serb-Americans, and Ukrainian-Americans, are generally reduced by screenwriters to a caricature of what Anglo-Americans deem them to be. Tragically, this marginalization at the hands of White society leads these maligned peoples into prejudicial conduct against women and people of color, the true victims of Hate Speech. If we're ever to move forward, the sort of speech in which you just engaged needs to be outlawed."

"So there's no hope for us?" Zach asked.

"I guess not. We should turn ourselves in to the Human Rights Commissioners," Tessio agreed.

And so ended the Five Families War of 1946.

8

With Apologies To Black Sabbath

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ALRIGHT NOW!
Won't you listen to me?

When I first met you, didn't realize
Can't buy a condom, for Cory Gardner's lies.
He weirded the weather, in my clime.
Cut my brother's Pell Grant, him and his kind.

OH YEAH NOW!

Treasury was empty, revenues way down,
Until Mark Udall, turned things around.
Abortion's free now, your uterus is clear.
I love you Sweet Pea, that fetus won't adhere.

Come on now, try it out!

NDT5
Republicans don't know, what Science is about.
They put Neil deGrasse Tyson down, and shut him out.
On Election Day now, you'll vote Straight D!
We'll have an abortion, Oh Sweet Pea!

OH YEAH NOW!

27

Love Is Kind Of Crazy With A Spooky Little Movie Like You

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Our friends at Quarter to Three, one of the best gaming sites on the web (and one not involved in #Gamergate!) are compiling a list, with detailed reviews, of great horror movies from the past two decades. 31 movies in 31 days. You know all about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Night of the Living Dead, but have you seen Audition? Did you know that "The Call of Cthulhu" has been filmed, and that someone, somehow, actually made a decent film based on H. P. Lovecraft?

Great-cthulhu
One of my rituals, every October, is to watch a mix of classic and newer horror movies. The people behind this series know what's good, and I'm looking forward to watching their recommendations. But if you're squeamish, don't click!

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SCIENCE IN THE HANDS OF ANGRY LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS:  That DOJ attorneys are threatening scientists with criminal prosecution for the "return" of Kennewick Man, to Indian tribes whose ancestors were in Siberia when he died, is disgraceful. If only the Tsar knew what evil his ministers are doing.

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AND HOLLYWOOD WONDERS WHY DOMESTIC BOX OFFICE IS DECLINING: An "Abortion Rom-Com"

"The movie isn’t saying that abortions are funny. It’s saying that people are funny.”

And people who procure and provide abortions are doubly funny. I look forward to the tv spinoff, Welcome Back, Gosnell!

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YOU NEVER LEAVE A MAN BEHIND! Unfortunately, we all too often leave man's best friend behind:

Even if it did come at some additional cost, so what? Going by simple cost-benefit analysis, the military wouldn't go to such great lengths to retrieve the bodies of fallen soldiers or protect the American flag, and yet it does. Why? Because everyone understands that such obligations are morally required and vital to morale.

"There are those who consider our military working dogs to be pieces of gear," Ferrell says in Glory Hounds. "I, for one, do not believe that at all. To try to remove your heart from the situation is really asking too much of a handler."

If you believe it's wrong for the army to abandon its dogs in the wilds of Iraq and (coming soon) Afghanistan, why not call your congressional representatives to let them know you support Walter Jones' bill prohibiting such practices, and may vote accordingly come November?

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"IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT. I'm only drawing them. Women's bodies have taken this form over the millenia."

Spider Woman

Kid, if you have "forty years of experience" but you think that comic book covers depict women realistically, it's time to drop the pencil and maybe … go out and meet a few? Of course, comic books are hardly the worst media offenders with regard to horrifying displays of the female body. That honor goes to glossy "women's magazines" and the fashion industry to which they cater.

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THERE ARE CERTAIN SECTIONS OF HELSINKI, MAJOR, THAT I WOULDN'T ADVISE YOU TO INVADE: Finwonish Air Force moves to high alert after repeated airspace violations from Russia.

The giant brains in our administration seem not to have a clue on how to handle Putin. They could learn a lot from the Finns, who are masters of asymmetric warfare. An engineer of my acquaintance, who served as a frogman in the Finnish Navy, once told me that in the event of war the Finns would block access to the Baltic by destroying cargo ships at the mouths of Russian harbors. I believe him.

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MY BRAIN HURTS!

Luddite celebrity pseudoscientist Susan Greenfield, on her inability to publish peer-reviewed research by which one could test her claims that technology damages the human brain: "The whole point is that it is not a hypothesis, it’s an umbrella subject, like climate change, that encompasses many facets. What specific kind of study I should have done?"

As Richard Dawkins has pointed out, a world view or, ahem, "umbrella subject," which can't be verified through testable means, is not science. It's religion. But dress it up in technical-sounding gobbledygook, and the "reality-based community" will bow down and worship it all the same.

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HIGHER EDUCATION: The blacklisting of Steven Salaita by the University of Illinois. Key point:

But Salaita’s commentary was too extreme, you say? You know the line when you see it, and Salaita crossed it? That’s exactly what censors think they know, and it is just what they’ve thought when going after Tengatenga and a long list of right-of-center professors and, not so long ago, a long list of left-of-center professors.

If you have to qualify "I support free speech" with a "but," if you support free speech only so long as it's inoffensive, you're a censor. Read the whole thing.

 

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AT AMAZON, one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings.

Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

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ALONG WITH THE ERADICATION OF MALARIAL MOSQUITOES, the introduction of air conditioning was one of the unsung triumphs that took America from backwater to powerhouse in the 20th century.