Also, The Pony Will Need Three References

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80 Responses

  1. Clark says:

    Patrick is trying to get me to buy a donkey.

    https://twitter.com/Popehat/status/417822214839226368

    Given that I live on less than a 1/4 of an acre, I think that this is a crazy idea…but if I do go that route, I'd definitely want to make sure that the donkey was well-socialized, content with tight quarters in a SWPL environment, and unlikely to bite neighbors.

    If Rebecca CAN run background checks on ponies, could she also do it on donkeys? If not, why not? I'd think that this is the sort of thing already covered by bakers / wedding photography lawsuits (i.e. irrational old-testament-style discrimination).

  2. Mark says:

    Hello Ken White, ESQ.;

    I’m Mark from an actual place that isn't in any way a website called ThePoniesWontStopScreaming.org. I hate writing posts for my own blogs since no topics interest me. Getting you to do work for me would be a great way to expand my circle of contempt and scorn, scam with other bloggers, and fail to learn any new things or lessons.

    That being said, I was wondering if you would write a guest post for me. The article does not need to be unique or even specifically tailored as per the theme of whatever blog my software randomly assigns your work to. As a reward just include a reference to your site by linking the entire body of the article except for the author byline at the end.

    Please let me know if you are bored too.

    Thanks,
    Mark

  3. Drebin says:

    What I want to know is why these people bother?

    I suspect they come across Popehat due to some sort of web-crawler tool that pays attention to unique hits on a given website, and depending on the webscript it passes to the bot on loading, it determines if it a popular-enough blog.

    So the 'recruiter' (or as Ken keeps trying to engender, 'the patsy') gets a list of blogs that are popular enough to warrant trying to get a guest blog post on, and so the equine-odyssey begins.

    Yet any 10 minute perusal of past 'guest writer' attempts should lead one to the conclusion that perhaps such a patsy shouldn't waste time with Popehat and its bevy of weirdos.

    And yet, they do.

    Which leads me to believe these people aren't even that web-savvy in the first place. Which is another reason to never let them post.

  4. NotPiffany says:

    I'm getting that the spammers read that Ken was taking a few days off and decided to taunt him.

  5. Toddsler says:

    Welp, looks like I know what's for lunch today.

  6. Kilroy says:

    Can't sleep, pony will eat me.
    Can't sleep, pony will eat me.
    Can't sleep, pony will eat me.

  7. Pedant says:

    This is a definite problem. I cannot write a background document on a "pony," though were you to specify, my staff could check on a given pony. (We cannot do Icelandic horses, despite the fact that many refer to them as ponies.) The full eartag number will be sufficient. Please enclose a certified cheque for US $100 and/or your banking information. Backgrounders on deceased US presidents are $10/each.

  8. Mark Wing says:

    Donkeys are a whole different animal than Ponies.

  9. Ivraatiems says:

    You said pony like three times in that blog post, Ken. Maybe even more. I lost count because I started screaming and might have even slapped somebody or cut off a finger. I'm not really sure.

    Can you please edit all references to ponies in this post before I herniate myself again?

  10. I was Anonymous says:

    We all know that the fall of the manly culture of the Old West was due to the insidious nature of the Pony Express.

  11. AlphaCentauri says:

    It might be amusing to create a subforum for guest posts (one with a nofollow tag, perhaps) and give these guys actual hoops to jump through. Like a literary contest for spammers ;)

    I mean, if they are actually writing something "unique and specifically tailored," how can they justify the time? Wouldn't it be much easier to just leave actual intelligent comments/questions on popular blogs and just put a link in their avatar like everyone else? Are they so lacking in curiosity that they couldn't leave several dozen questions on the comments of Popehat without crossing the line into spamminess?

  12. I was Anonymous says:

    @Ivraatiems:

    I tried to read your comment, but you used the word "William Howard Taft"*. Immediately, I went into catatonic shock. Please, govern yourself accordingly.

    * Not really William Howard Taft, but an incredible equine simulation.

  13. Erik Carlseen says:

    Their time is never wasted if it generates a new Pony-warning post from Ken.

  14. mmrtnt says:

    Hah. As you're all probably aware, ponies are experts at covering their tracks.

  15. OrderoftheQuaff says:

    Are miniature horses ok?

  16. nlp says:

    I often wish it were possible to see the expression on the faces of these would-be guest bloggers when they read Ken's response.

  17. Dwight Brown says:

    Clark:

    Is Patrick trying to get you to buy a full-size donkey or a miniature donkey, like these?

    I tried to get my folks to purchase a miniature donkey at one point; I figured it'd keep the grass trimmed, and my stepfather could ride into town on a donkey cart to pick up groceries and stuff. Sadly, that didn't pan out. But maybe it will work for you.

  18. Clark says:

    @Dwight Brown

    Clark:

    Is Patrick trying to get you to buy a full-size donkey or a miniature donkey, like these?

    Unclear.

    I suspect the answer is "whatever would be most entertaing for Patrick".

    Hmmm…upon reflection, I think that probably means that he wants me to have a full-sized one.

  19. LordOChaos says:

    I once rode a pony, it was a Shetland I believe. I was young, and full of hopes and dreams. Unfortunately those hopes and dreams were destroyed when the dastardly evil equine overlord issued his orders for his minion to shed me. Shed me he did, but not instantly, for he made off as to encourage my dreams where upon I was forcefully and unceremoniously dumped upon a tree stump a long way from where I started.

    I cried for a long time. Surely that had nothing to do with the tremendous pain from my almost certainly ruptured inner works, but from the true understanding that ponies and their evil masters should burn somewhere below the 11th level of hell.
    I would love to have some factual information on backgrounding ponies. Maybe I could then run a check and make sure I have used sufficient amounts of glue to sooth my terrified and tormented soul.

  20. A mischievous and evil part of me wants some of the more passionate bronies to misunderstand the point of the Popehat anti-pony series and declare Ken Brony Enemy #1.

  21. CJK Fossman says:

    @LordOChaos

    Maybe I could then … make sure I have used sufficient amounts of glue

    GLUE? Don't you know glue is really pony spores?

  22. dave says:

    Sheer artistry. Loved it!

  23. Suedeo says:

    I'm a guest and here's my post, hope you like it, here it goes. Background checks may not be performed on animals. If you want to get the dirt on a specific pony you search for negative news on its owner and the racing form statistics on its parentage.

  24. J@m3z Aitch says:

    The temptation to mimic one of these would-be guest posters, and cheerfully agree to each of Ken's demands, is strong.

  25. Lane D. says:

    Countest thee not to two, unless thy proceedeth onto three.

    Four is right out.

  26. Deathpony says:

    "So: I guess what I'm looking for is an article on the extent to which modern technology and investigative methods has made it practicable to run background checks on ponies before one retains their services for one purpose or another."

    Well well well, the cat is out of the bag now…or the pony.

    Tell us Ken, what possible interest would you have in retaining the services of ponies…entirely innocent ones I assume…

    Or are you after ponies wth the blackest of black hearts?

  27. I was Anonymous says:

    @Lane D.:

    Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.

  28. naught_for_naught says:

    There never is another email after the pony enters the discussion is there?

    And to answer your question,

    "Do I eat another Double-Double animal style from In-N-Out Burger even though my entire abdomen is so taut and bloated that my vision is blurred and I can feel my pulse in my scrotum?"

    uh…yeah!

  29. Mark - Lord of the Albino Squirrels says:

    My uncle used to run background checks on ponies. This was when he was working for a sugar cube cartel looking for new "talent" in their enforcers. Idea was to get some ponies hooked on the product and send them in as needed to.. to do… what comes natural. The Equuslizers they called it.

    In all that time I only ever heard one pony that checked out enough to be useful according to my Uncle. That one was a really young pony, almost a boy. Even so, they never really trusted him, and constantly warned him to "Stay gold. Stay gold."

    It all came to a horrid end the very first operation they tried the ponies on. I got the story from my uncle's friend Gordon. He was a quiet guy from Canada who always walked really quiet. It was like he preferred the light foot to the heavy hoof of… of…

    Anyway, Gordon was in pretty bad shape when I found him. He was a wreck really. As soon as I asked him what happened to my uncle, he started rocking back and fourth and drooling while singing this creepy little song:

    "He leads a string of ponies
    Some are white and some are brown
    And they never seem to kick or bite
    They only want to play
    And they live on candy apples
    Instead of oats and hay
    And when we're all assembled
    He gives a soft command…"

    That's when he would start screaming 'til the orderlies sedated him.
    Never heard from my uncle again.

  30. Speed says:

    "That being said, I was wondering … "

  31. David says:

    Dibs on the PONYFAX® trademark and website URL. I see bales of money in my future.

    Happy New Years.

  32. Raucous Indignation says:

    Ooooh! Oooo! OooOooh! Ooooh, dear sweet release! My jonesing for a big hit of Ken is over! Thank you Ken! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year to all!

  33. Carl says:

    Well, to me it just seems like a a pony is more desirable than a man's anus. I mean, come on dudes, there's more there! She's got something better to offer.

  34. TMLutas says:

    It is posts like this that make we want to write a specifically tailored guest post for this blog, just to see what would happen. Unfortunately I've never done something like this (write guest posts unsolicited) so I end up with writers block (perhaps caused by a too healthy sense of ego self preservation).

  35. Chuck says:

    You blew this one, dude. Man is not a battlefield. Love is a battlefield.

    She's not going to write back.

  36. Rob says:

    Drebin • Dec 31, 2013 @12:08 pm

    Yet any 10 minute perusal of past 'guest writer' attempts should lead one to the conclusion that perhaps such a patsy shouldn't waste time with Popehat and its bevy of weirdos.

    And yet, they do.

    Which leads me to believe these people aren't even that web-savvy in the first place. Which is another reason to never let them post.

    Time spent checking on whether or not a blog would be amendable to their pitch is time not spent spamming other blogs.

    They are like the Nigerian scammers in this way. The scam itself is never very well done and wouldn't fool anyone with a modicum of sense, but still they persist, because there enough senseless people out there that it doesn't pay to waste time trying to fool the sensible. Their time is much better spent contacting as many people as possible in an effort to maximize the number of fools that they do come into contact with.

  37. Cat G says:

    Brilliant as always. My only quibble is the vague and subtle implication in one line about individuals with visible tattoos. Why not former pony handlers? It could be said they are the worst possible person to hire, for they are known collaborators.

  38. David says:

    You just keep on mockin', Ken, the Pony Singularity is coming and what will you do then?

    Link warning: Fanfic, singularity, ponies.

  39. Dan says:

    I can feel my pulse in my scrotum

    Ugh, that's the worst.

  40. Demosthenes says:

    I Was Anonymous said:

    We all know that the fall of the manly culture of the Old West was due to the insidious nature of the Pony Express.

    Even more impressive when you consider that the Pony Express was only in operation for eighteen months. That's all it took to emasculate a nation.

  41. Shane says:

    It seems that ponies are not at the top of the food chain as we first imagined.

  42. I was Anonymous says:

    Can we send the Prendateers a pony?

  43. NotPiffany says:

    I often wish it were possible to see the expression on the faces of these would-be guest bloggers when they read Ken's response.

    Yes, the NSA gets all the fun.

  44. bär says:

    So, what would it ACTUALLY be welcome as a guest post? I don't think I quite get the mechanics of the thing yet, but it sounds like it would be a cool thing to feature those under some conditions?

  45. gramps says:

    You might be onto something…. Notwithstanding Ken's dislike for the spammers, there could be great entertainment for the rest of us if he was a bit less harsh on them, initially, and got someone to actually provide a "guest post". Just thinking of how one would pimp their background "investigation" services with ponies brings a smile.

  46. G. Filotto says:

    I have to say that thinking of Rebecca doing a background check on a donkey actually constitutes pornography in my mind and I finally understand that definition of obscenity known as "I'll know it when I see it" that I so wrongly and naively thought was censorious. I see now it was not. Donkeys are not ponies Clark. It is evil and I would even say racist and unconstitutional to equate (equine?) a donkey with a pony. Obscene sir, truly obscene!

  47. G. Filotto says:

    Thank you! That's what I'm saying!

  48. G. Filotto says:

    I think your comment here is very suspicious sir, you seem to be wandering from the main point, namely ponies. And the important corollary that donkeys are not ponies.

  49. G. Filotto says:

    I think you win 2014 best comment on Jan 2! Wow!

  50. Once again I learn a new word from reading Popehat. Every time there's a pony post, I have a flashback to a certain post and start cracking up. Today, it was at Target while waiting in line at the Pharmacy. I read this post, remembered Jumentous and started laughing so hard I made a fool of myself (while making this really obese woman with a really profound case of Camel Toe paranoid b/c I think she thought i was laughing at her). So today's word is 'Rend'. A pony post and a Clark post all in one day – so far the year is looking really good.

  51. Hoare says:

    Maybe ponies get permission from a dog to bite children

  52. Randall says:

    I have been retained to represent the Pony Liberation Front ("PLF"). My client is very disturbed by your repeated and continuous slander, libel and dissing of ponies. Ponies are noblest among all creatures and are beloved of small girls everywhere. Ponies should be considered almost completely harmless – there are no records of a pony eating a child, puppy or kitten in at least the last six weeks, possibly longer.

    Please remove all disparaging references to ponies forthwith from your website or face the wrath of the PLF.

  53. I was Anonymous says:

    @Randall: Should we govern ourselves accordingly?

  54. I was Anonymous says:

    @Gramps:

    You might be onto something…. Notwithstanding Ken's dislike for the spammers, there could be great entertainment for the rest of us if he was a bit less harsh on them, initially, and got someone to actually provide a "guest post".

    I disagree. Spammers and marketroids are like an invasive species. You have to stomp on them, and stomp hard, to prevent them from getting any sort of foothold. Once they're entrenched, they are impossible to remove.

  55. SPQR says:

    Clark, make sure that there is no fox in your donkey.

  56. rain of lead says:

    a pony killed Rhett and Scarletts baby
    crime of the century I'm told

  57. Clark says:

    SPQR:

    Clark, make sure that there is no fox in your donkey.

    Not only does that sort of miscegenation go against the laws of God, it likely also goes against the laws of reproduction.

  58. WombatPM says:

    This may be old news to the Pony-phobic readers of Popehat. For any who have doubts as to the Lovecraftian horror that are ponies, might I suggest reading this story by Charles Stross.

    Ponies, Horses, Unicorns are all the same big bag of evil if you ask me. And Zebras – they're just horses in prison stripes.

  59. JWH says:

    Some day, one of these people is going to write about a pony and dare Ken to post it.

  60. Doug says:

    I was thrown off a pony when I was a kid. Needed a few stitches to close up the wound. Damn thing. I hate them.

  61. Joe Pullen says:

    And here I was thinking Backgroundchecks.org actually did . . . you know. . . . background checks like those myriad of other sites that keep sharing and posting your information all around cyberspace. But no, instead it contains only 6 articles written by "Brad" or is that "Rebecca". Quick, we need a backgroundcheck on Rebecca.

  62. Dan says:

    The moment I saw this, I thought of both this thread and of Charlie Stross's novella. Hope no one minds if I leave it here:

    http://www.behance.net/gallery/Little-Maddie/5065085

  63. George William Herbert says:

    Y'all need to do a Scalzi-like best-of collection of the Popehat posts and comment threads; I don't know if "Govern yourself accordingly" or "The Pony must supply three references" is the best title.

  64. Doctor X says:

    Ken is why we did not get ponies for Christmas! :(

  65. Mr. X says:

    I would like to read a post on the subject of "background checks."

    Specifically, does the term "background check" have any generally understood meaning outside the realm of federal government security clearance and suitability inquiries?

    What material uncovered by a "background check" should disqualify one from employment? Should a criminal conviction be required, or just an arrest or criminal charge? What crimes, and how long ago? For what jobs??

    What standards apply to private sector "background check" providers, and does any public agency regulate them? The Fair Credir Reporting Act requires employers to notify job candidates in writing that they were non-selected because of the results of a "background check," but does this ever really happen?

    In the public sector, one has, at least theoretically, have a procedural due process right to a hearing and/or appeal. Must private employers allow candidates to attempt to explain or refute the information provided by the "backgound check" provider?

  66. scav says:

    @Drebin

    By this point, I would expect the phrase "guest post" comes up often enough on Popehat that it actually *attracts* dumb spambot scripts.

  67. Icepick says:

    Do I eat another Double-Double animal style from In-N-Out Burger even though my entire abdomen is so taut and bloated that my vision is blurred and I can feel my pulse in my scrotum?

    Dude, you really need to cut back.

  68. Fasolt says:

    @Randall:

    "Ponies should be considered almost completely harmless – there are no records of a pony eating a child, puppy or kitten in at least the last six weeks, possibly longer."

    Of course there are no records. They eat the witnesses.

  69. James Pollock says:

    Must private employers allow candidates to attempt to explain or refute the information provided by the "backgound check" provider?

    No. Presumably, if a background-checker is providing false information about you, you have a tort claim aginst them, though (void where prohibited by by law.)

  70. ULTRAGOTHA says:

    Even 30 years ago ponies were attempting to slay innocent bicyclers by their insidious example of how to behave in the rain.
    http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/30/hypothermia-exmoor-bicycle-ride

  71. Ian says:

    @Mr. X

    I currently deal with the fallout from slow Background Checks at my current employer, and can tell you that yes, at least with my company, we do tell people they were un-hired based on that report. Most people are "Hired" before they do drug testing or background checks, knowing full well that between their hire date, and actually beginning the job, they are subject to those two things. Our background provider does speak the applicant first, and verifies information is accurate, or requires the applicant to prove any negative information is not accurate. Once that has been done ( whether negative info or not was found ), the information is forwarded on to us.

    Since we do outsourced work for other clients, what constitutes a "Failed Background" is entirely dependant on what the client requires. For instance, if it is for a financial client, they will allow different crimes than a contract with the government, etc.

  72. David Schwartz says:

    I'd like to write a guest post that is interesting to your readers, whoever they are, and relevant to your blog, whatever it's about.

  73. Dion starfire says:

    Did anybody else find the headline eerily reminiscent of the infamous "It puts the lotion on its skin" line from Silence of the Lambs?

    The meter's not quite right, but it has that sort of dangerous psycho vibe.

  74. Anonsters says:

    "William Howard Taft" seems like a better codeword for something bovine than equine, though.

  75. Grey Ghost says:

    I'm not sure about Taft. He was as big as a full-sized horse. Perhaps James Monroe, 5th President of the United States, a little guy. With a wild mane…

  76. Mike B. says:

    Ponies?! Where pastel hued ponies? Oh… Pony ponies. Okay.

  77. GT says:

    Outstanding trolling, Ken.

    Your final p*ny-related jape is very reminiscent of the guffaw-inducing output of David Thorne (from 27bslash6) – he of "here is a drawing of a spider in full settlement of my electricity account" fame.

    One thing though – I wish you had mentioned the known.fact that ponies are linked to terrorists and and and and weapons-of-mass-destruction-related activities, and oh yeah they probably did 911.

  78. GT says:

    Oops – apologies for double-commenting.