The Road To Popehat: "This Will Not Turn Out Well" Edition


It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and ask ourselves: why democracy, again?

This time: searches over the course of a single week, showing cunning plans that will not end well.

sample takedown request libel: COME AT ME BRO.

pro se litigant at divorce trial bad idea? Pardon me while I guffaw.

how to hide drugs from a police drug dog: You can wire your fee deposit to my trust account right away. I'll call the bail broker.

how to make violence funny: To you, or the victim?

where to put spy cam in bathroom: Isn't that what your LA is for, Congressman?

classy status for Facebook slander: Please. Facebook libel.

how long can you do rape in nm: NOT AT ALL. Jesus. I mean, unless you're a cop.

when is discrimination acceptable when recruiting: Oh, hey, is Ambercrombie hiring again?

minnesota state law on slapping a 16 year old: Have a glass of wine and take a walk first.

does a bullet leave the registered owners encription: No, seriously. WINE AND WALK. It's your kid for God's sake.

does disorderly conduct break the constitution: That depends on how hard you try.

looking for a classy big gold neck piece: Good luck with that.

thanksgiving objectivism: I understand you're very excited about what you learned first semester freshman year, but maybe some light chat about sports over dinner instead?

laws to protect elves: Sorry Hermey. You're on your own.

Last 5 posts by Ken White



  1. Kevin R  •  Dec 4, 2013 @3:08 pm

    If there had been stronger laws in place to protect elves, FĂ«anor's attempt to get an injunction against Morgoth for the return of the Silmarils might have worked out.

  2. Ryan  •  Dec 4, 2013 @3:28 pm

    Nothing against the rest of the blogging on this site – it truly is excellent – but Road to Popehat is easily my favourite "feature."

  3. Suedeo  •  Dec 4, 2013 @3:40 pm

    My political opponent is soft on dwarves and in bed with BIG MITHRIL. I need your vote to lead Middle Earth into the 21st century! If we stand together, we can win the war on Smaugs.

    Please, won't someone think of the elves?

  4. Jack B.  •  Dec 4, 2013 @3:45 pm

    For some reason, I'm picturing someone out there with "Classy Big Gold" tattooed on their neck.

  5. UlrikeDG  •  Dec 4, 2013 @3:49 pm


  6. Shelby  •  Dec 4, 2013 @5:21 pm

    If your opponent isn't hard enough dwarves, wouldn't you want to wage the war WITH Smaugs, not ON them?

  7. Mike  •  Dec 4, 2013 @5:51 pm

    Apologies if either of these thoughts have been expressed/addressed before: (1) How about a link to what particular post was accessed for each search result? (2) Have you considered the observer effect as it relates to the Road to Popehat?

  8. Matt  •  Dec 4, 2013 @6:36 pm

    does disorderly conduct break the constitution: That depends on how hard you try.

    And how fast you can get it done before the security guards at the National Archives take you down.

  9. Deathpony  •  Dec 4, 2013 @7:51 pm

    "Thanksgiving Objectivism"

    So…which one of you turkeys is John Galt?

  10. HelpfulCrossreference  •  Dec 4, 2013 @8:50 pm

    I suspect the Objectist Thanksgiving searcher was looking for and misremembered the holiday.

  11. James Pollock  •  Dec 4, 2013 @10:46 pm

    Wait. I was a pro se divorce litigant.

  12. dave  •  Dec 5, 2013 @2:00 am

    I am wondering how this search landed here:

    looking for a classy big gold neck piece

    Unless it was a clark post I missed.

  13. Munin  •  Dec 5, 2013 @2:35 am

    What I find more peculiar is that Popehat must have come up in Google (or whatever other search engine was used) pretty prominently for precisely those queries…

  14. funruly  •  Dec 5, 2013 @1:39 pm

    As much as L.A. Popehat makes me laugh, I'd like to see the other popehatters have a run with The Road once in a while.

    Especially Via Popehat.

  15. TheOtherMatt  •  Dec 5, 2013 @2:15 pm

    Suggestion: In future can you link to where the searchers land in future. And don't you know the US Court of Appeals for the Three Quarterth Circuit in Ex Prate Stinky the Elf (1871) that the Thirteenth amendment to the US Const applied to House Elves,. all the elves in USA died of Cirrhosis five years later.

  16. Simon  •  Dec 5, 2013 @2:52 pm

    It's part of the constitution.

    "…nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against his elf".
    Oh. Stupid inkblot.

  17. DRJlaw  •  Dec 5, 2013 @3:54 pm


    I assume that for most of those searches the searcher did not know of Popehat's existence. Since we're not talking about quantum searchers, if they don't know that they're being observed by Popehat, there can't be a Popehat-caused observer effect.

    The observer effect that I would expect is searchers who knew of Popehat's existence and would attempt to reach it using crazy searches precisely to get something on TRTP. The problem is I can't imagine how you could pull that off without using (1) search terms that are pretty obvious (law ponies – second page result!) or (2) superhuman patience (you can only view one page of results at a time, baby).

    There will inevitably be someone with more patience and free time than I can imagine, and as sure as there are stars in the sky someone sometime has tried and likely succeeded.

  18. NickM  •  Dec 6, 2013 @4:15 am

    Embedded videos would allow slander on Facebook. /buzzkill

  19. JTG  •  Dec 6, 2013 @9:11 am

    laws to protect elves: Sorry Hermey. You're on your own.

    Are you referring to Hermey, the friend of Rudolph, or is 'Hermey' short for 'Hermione', friend of Harry Potter, and founder of S.P.E.W.?

  20. Josh M.  •  Dec 6, 2013 @11:34 am


    Are you referring to Hermey, the friend of Rudolph, or is 'Hermey' short for 'Hermione', friend of Harry Potter, and founder of S.P.E.W.?

    I believe the answer to your question is, "Yes."

  21. Ken White  •  Dec 6, 2013 @11:40 am

    Since the issue was elves, naturally I was referring to the elf, Hermey.

    Elves are tricsky.

  22. Mike  •  Dec 6, 2013 @2:51 pm

    @DRJlaw, I had exactly in mind the phenomenon of people familiar with TRTP intentionally using crazy search terms to get on TRTP. I don't think it would be to difficult to go to a post, pick out words that would make an odd phrase/search, and see if Popehat comes up.

    I took 3 minutes to skim the "Quasi-Literate Racist Asshole Jim DeBerry" post, pick out some words, and searched for "How to create racist yelling witches". Popehat came up at the top of page 3.

  23. norahc  •  Dec 7, 2013 @6:07 pm

    But don't elves ride ponies?

  24. James Pollock  •  Dec 8, 2013 @7:31 pm

    "But don't elves ride ponies?"

    Hobbitses ride ponies. We hates them. Unless we gets a cut of the back-end.