Me Write Pony One Day

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62 Responses

  1. Jim Salter says:

    I think we could all use some clarification on this topic, as it turns out that there IS no official, black-and-white distinction between "pony" and "horse" which one may refer to in case of dispute. WHICH FRUSTRATES ME.

  2. Craig says:

    I thought you were being unnecessarily nasty until I read the three articles he linked to.

  3. Jo says:

    Jim, in critical equine legal studies, we don't say "black-and-white distinction," we say "appaloosa distinction." You have to get the jargon down if you want to be taken seriously in the field. Ken, I'm preparing a guest post for you now.

  4. Cat says:

    I wonder, idly, what you will do, Ken, if someone ever takes your response to heart and writes something that you've requested. Involving ponies, of course.
    The relevant information researched, the proper footnotes in place, the guest blog fully saddled up and trotted out for your review.

  5. COD says:

    A pony is a horse that is less than 14.2 hands tall. Their diminutive size gives them more leeway in behavior than is afforded a horse. Ponys get to be a pain in the ass and people just smile and joke about the PITA pony. A horse would be remanded for additional training.

    My daughter (ie, me) owns a horse.

  6. kenB says:

    Was "wreck…havoc" a subtle intentional mistake a la "Know"?

  7. ZK says:

    I'm not certain I should volunteer this information, but I'm actually acquainted with someone who once worked as an online marketeer in the equine business. If you had the right keywords or Google results or whatever, I absolutely guarantee you could get blog-o-spam explaining the horse/pony distinction.

  8. BoxyBoxyBoxy says:

    I've been bitten.

    HELP!

  9. BoxyBoxyBoxy says:

    Gravatar caching = ruined joke.

  10. Oomph says:

    It is good to know that he is fully interested, rather than just mildly interested, in his witting.

  11. Darryl says:

    Even full grown horses are afraid of ponies. Do they know something we don't?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120223201944AAsXD21

  12. Darryl says:

    Oh, now I understand.

    (From the comments)–"There is a possibility she was pastured with a pony and got beaten up by one."

  13. Brandon says:

    Has HuffPo hired him yet?

  14. En Passant says:

    Darryl wrote Jul 3, 2013 @10:10 am:

    (From the comments)–"There is a possibility she was pastured with a pony and got beaten up by one."

    I think that any horse who is legitimately concerned about ponies' "dank and copper-scented havoc" should be issued a concealed carry permit.

  15. nlp says:

    To add even more confusion to the description of ponies, there are breeds that are ponies, for example Shetland, Welsh, or Connemara, and occasionally one will grow to 14.2 hand size, which makes them horses. (A hand is four inches). And sometimes horses such as Arabians or Morgans are smaller than usual, so they are the size of ponies, but are called horses.

  16. Z says:

    Those pony crack addicts are a menace to society.

  17. a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q) says:

    Legally, a pony is 14.2 hands or under. Culturally, however, it is a different question. A not insignificant number of Hackney Ponies are 14.3 or taller, yet they are still Hackney Ponies (though they are ineligibile for to competed in specifically designated pony classes if oversized). Likewise a not insignificant number of Arabians, and Morgans, as mentioned are pony sized, but still known as horses.

    Among the arenas (intended) in which it matters is the hunter/jumper horse show world, which have specific pony divisions. A pony must measure 14.2 or under to qualify to show in those divisions. There are also subdivisions of small medium and large, which in addition to size requirements may also have age limits for riders.

    Indeed there are both temporary and permanent pony cards, which permit competition in these pony divisions. Cards issued prior to pony age 6 are temporary and the pony must be remeasured at 6 to get a permanent card designation official size.

    Measurements must occur at a licensed competition in which the pony is entered to compete. Measurements are final once performed, in that they are official and are are not subject to measurement mistrials. Measurements must be performed by both a licensed official and a veterinarian, who each sign the report. Of course an officially licensed stick must be used.

    So this is kind of serious stuff to some folks. Is that what you sought by soliciting an explanation of how the law – in this case the United States Equestrian Federation -classifies horses and ponies?

  18. Felsi says:

    Since the United States Equestrian Federation is the National Governing Body for the sport under the Ted Stevens Amateur Sports Act of 1978 I'm rather surprised that a hip hop artist from Idaho accepts at face value the statement that measurements are final once performed. Clearly §220527. "Complaints against national governing bodies" states that this is not the case. (IANAL)

  19. kmc says:

    @a hip hop artist, that all sounds worth it just so my pony could have a little wallet on a strap and show people that he was a card-carrying pony.

  20. eigenperson says:

    14.2 hands? As in seven people's worth, plus one finger?

    All regular Popehat readers are aware, of course, that ponies are blood-crazed, vicious criminals, and that due to corrupt and frightened politicians they are allowed to continue their brutal practices with impunity. But I am truly shocked to find that a pony may legally cripple more than a dozen innocent people in the most barbaric way without any penalty whatsoever. Has Congress no shame? Are they completely in the pocket of this shadowy Equestrian Federation?

    It also seems to me that the law turns a blind eye to those ponies who have far exceeded the legal limit. The infamous 8-month reign of terror perpetrated by Dancing Sunshine and Bluebell in Goodyears Bar, CA, during which over 200 people lost limbs and 17 lost their lives, never seemed to merit the attention of police, and the perpetrators continue to compete in pony contests with no penalty. This is despite the fact that Bluebell was indisputably under the age of 6 years during the massacre, and should have been remeasured according to the letter of the law. Apparently this did not happen, or perhaps the integrity of the measurement was compromised, since despite the best witness intimidation attempts of the tyrants, there exist accounts clearly proving that Bluebell personally cut off at least 20 hands.

    This is, as you rightly point out, "kind of serious stuff."

  21. naught_for_naught says:

    This has probably been done before, but it's a great tune and merits another listen, I think.

  22. RJ says:

    Ken's struggle with caballiophobia is worth a guest posting. Anyone up for that?

  23. AlphaCentauri says:

    Ken's struggle with caballiophobia is worth a guest posting. Anyone up for that?

    Sigmund Freud beat us to it:

    http://www.simplypsychology.org/little-hans.html

  24. mojo says:

    Whose hand?

  25. Manatee says:

    Everyone knows that "pony" is just a subjective, demeaning term imposed upon undesirable, orbital beta-male horses by the female horses who reject them.

  26. SassQueen says:

    So, if anyone ever actually responds with a pony guest post, you'll post it, right? Pretty please?

  27. RJ says:

    Ponies are really multilated unicorns!

  28. sorrykb says:

    @Manatee: Don't encourage them (or us), or we'll end up with a pony post with 600 comments.
    P.S. Friendship is magic!

  29. sorrykb says:

    P.P.S. If only ponies would just up their game, we wouldn't feel threatened by their pony creepiness. Apparently.

  30. And unicorns are just rhinoceri who are rich enough to afford real PR firms, and don't have to depend for their reputation on guest articles in blogs.

  31. Doug says:

    you'd think after awhile, this blog would be in some kind of anti spam database.

  32. Dan U says:

    I am worried about the creepy rules committee that came up with the 14.2 hands definition. While modern technology can certainly deal with it now-a-days at one time the fellow who did the last measurement must have been the stable-boy equivalent of a Castrati.

  33. Sami says:

    Is it wrong that I actually want to write you an article about ponies?

  34. Nobody says:

    Ken, can you help revive my popcorn futures by writing about this? —

    http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2013/07/brett-gibbs-flips-backs-sanctions-against-former-prenda-law-colleagues/

    I'll be happy to submit a guest blog post on the pony menace to facilitate this if need be :)

  35. Joe the Plummer says:

    Yes, it was spammy and you called the guy out but you must have given him a follow link when you posted his comment cuz it's raising his serp. Maybe you are a nice guy. There are no secrets on the internet just multiple ways to obscure the truth.

  36. Joe the Plummer says:

    Sorry, my bad…turns out that Dave is getting a minor boost from a secondary link from someone who is piling on…(which explains how I got here)… I guess I was too quick to call you out as a nice guy; I'll keep digging.

    Happy 4th. Feel free to moderate all, none or either of my comments to the trash.

  37. Analee says:

    Am now eagerly awaiting the first episode of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies."

  38. Troutwaxer says:

    Hitler was a pony.

  39. Incunablum says:

    You're going to be very embarrassed (an a little un-nerved) when he comes back in a week with a well-written article about the legal status of ponies.

  40. Robert White says:

    My Dearest Ken… someday someone is going to want to write a guest post for your site involving Assateague Island and it's legal and moral troubles involving the Chincoteague Ponies, and then what shall you do?

    Indeed I would offer to write such a piece and ask to get it guested on your blog but I lack the legal gravitas (oh, and actual legal knowledge) to make the submission all that it needs to be.

    http://www.equinesite.com/cntest3.htm

    But someday someone will…

  41. efemmeral says:

    The mystery is over. Ponies are small and mean because they have a 'fetal alcohol system'.

  42. Dave B says:

    Re 'fetal alcohol system'

    Did you mean "foal-tal alcohol system'?

  43. JT says:

    David Sedaris reference?

  44. I Was Anonymous says:

    What about the insidious pony-ization of organized children's sports?

    When my nephews played little league baseball, at one point they were placed into the dreaded… PONY LEAGUE!!!!!!!!!

    Until Ken explained the Pony Menace, I didn't realize exactly how sneaky they were, but now I fear for my nephew's lives and morals. How do I know they won't grow up to be spammers?

  45. Gbear711 says:

    Teenaged fecklessness is born of those whose parents read those dreaded comic books in the 40's and 50's. They were begotten from those who smoked corn husks behind the barn from the 1600's to the post industrial revolution.
    Why does the legal society have this obsession with labels. I guess it comes from being paid by the word. Ponies are not zebras. Bronies are a horse of a different color.

  46. digitaurus says:

    Unfortunately it's not as simple as some comments imply. Some "horses" (more than 14.2h) are just OVERGROWN PONIES. My question: can I aim off a little and "terminate with extreme prejudice" everything below 16 hands ? I appreciate innocent horses will suffer but doesn't the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few ?

    A related point. It occurs to me that – even if I stick to the 14.2h thing and only blast away at this height and below – perhaps there will be some STUNTED HORSES among them ? Do I need to worry about this ? Have stunted horses been recorded ?

    Unfortunately neither horses nor ponies seem to be big internet users, so monitoring their online activity hasn't really helped. Can any NSA-operatives-on-a-break provide any advice ? Appreciated.

  47. Deathpony says:

    @digitarius

    "Unfortunately neither horses nor ponies seem to be big internet users, "

    You may have been misinformed. And we know where you live…when the great pony uprising comes, you will be the first to feel its wrath.

    Unless you provide carrots. Then we're even.

  48. AlphaCentauri says:

    My kids all came home from school with necklaces made of pony beads. Around their necks.

  49. Robert says:

    What's this guy's goal? Does he ask to write "guest columns" and then fill them up with links to sites that are paying for SEO traffic?

  50. Matt says:

    If you had the right keywords or Google results or whatever, I absolutely guarantee you could get blog-o-spam explaining the horse/pony distinction.

    Soon enough, with all these posts, he may indeed get pony-related blog-o-spam. And it will be a thing of beauty.

  51. Ron Coleman says:

    You are so mean.

    For the sake of our occasional shared client, I'm glad at least one of us is.

  52. nlp says:

    By the way, the above discussion regarding the distinction between horses and ponies does not include miniature horses, which are smaller than ponies, but are called horses.

  53. Christenson says:

    And what about the PONY KEG menace?? Not to mention the menacibg act of ponying up!!

  54. James Pollock says:

    What are you, unAmerican?
    Yankee Doodle came to town riding on a pony.

    On. A. Pony. Not a horse, not a bicycle, a pony.

    When you attack Yankee Doodle, you attack America. And just one day before the celebration of our nation's independence, too.

  55. barry says:

    It goes way back .. Braveheart's Tiny Pony

  56. barry says:

    I'll try that again: Braveheart's Tiny Pony

  57. Bill says:

    @Ken – until now, I considered you a pretty heroic figure but I had this moment of clarity that changed it all. I've watched you hop all over injustice and do what you could to help out the victims and I cheered (I even got off my butt to try to help out the victims of the revenge porn sites). But what kind of moral coward sits by and does nothing as they watch some serious injustice and victimization happen when they could? A JD From Harvard, a Federal Prosecutor and a pretty impressive pedigree overall which means you have the ability to do quite a bit. Yet searching through the Popehat archives, I noticed you haven't lifted a finger to help the victims of ponies.

    Oh, you'll write reply emails and post them which do a little to help spread the word, but have you filed *any* litigation against a single Pony? No, you haven't. Have you attempted to file a single injunction? No, not one. And the true outrage, i've searched and you haven't sent out a Single "Govern Yourself accordingly" letter to a single pony. Which means you and Clark must both be members of the Illuminati, so he pretends to bust your balls but never engages in real criticism – someone as smart and insightful as Clark somehow missed your moral cowardice when it comes to the Pony Scourge? No F****** way that happened by accident – your Illuminati masters clearly took a break from directing Rihanna and Lil Wayne videos to give you both instructions on this. Alex Jones is right, they are trying to kill us off but not with Inside jobs, vaccines, genetically modified foods or even BitCoin manipulation – it's by having all their puppets sit by and pretend the Pony Apocalypse isn't real. Everyone else isn't the only one that can quote The Usual Suspects, the Greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And all you high powered lawyers are doing this sleight of hand (I have to assume Randazza is in on it too ;-( ), getting us to worry about copyright trolls, gov't censors and that stuff, while crack smoking ponies are busy making Human Child Foie Gras.

  58. AlphaCentauri says:

    Bill, wow, it's all clear as day now. I bet Via Angus is actually Via Equus, too!

  59. Bill says:

    @AlphaCentauri – yah, I consistently amaze myself when I reread my late night comments. I can actually write gibberish like that without being under the influence of anything. It's a digression I guess, but what surprises me is how easy it is to just babble mindlessly and connect dots with metaphorical crayon and chalk, that really dont have any connection to each other. I do it, I make an a55 out of myself, Alex Jones does it and he's a celebrity. I couldn't even get a response from Ken or Clark over a Pony Taunt, complete and utter failure on my part.

  1. July 12, 2013

    […] guest-blogging services to Ken at Popehat, he asks them for pony-related articles. Here's a recent response to a request for a guest […]