The Road To Popehat: Back From Hiatus Edition

Effluvia

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, see what searches brought people here, and wonder what good the NSA is if it hasn't Gitmoed some of your crazy asses.

After being away for a month, I was a little concerned about what sort of flotsam and jetsam had accumulated. Should I have been worried? Yes.

high school musical killing a man: The more sequels there are, the more desperate they get for plots.

can you kill yourself with a fork: Yes. The crucial decision is which fork. You don't want to use the wrong one and become the laughingstock of the social season.

difference between belittled and offended: You are belittled if I have belittled you. You may or may not be offended, depending on whether you understood that I was belittling you. Was that clear?

how do i get a stranger to touch my vagina in public: The government doesn't want you to lose sleep over such questions, and has thoughtfully arranged for the TSA to do so if you ever want to fly domestically.

what the navy dont want you to know: That ain't rum.

why would a rosicrucrusian talk to you about popehat? It's part of a plan. Shhhh.

is threatening to defame someone if you don't pay them blackmail: It's possible you haven't thought this situation all the way through.

meth how much can you make one box mucinex d: It was perhaps inevitable that later seasons of Breaking Bad would not be able to sustain the raw menace and depravity of the first few.

videos of women being fucked by small farm poneys: You may have shaken hands with this person today.

under canada law can someone utter threat to a fetus: Yes! Moreover, under Canadian law, it is a hate crime to say unpleasant things about fetuses, or generalize about them in any way, or in any way hurt their feelings.

POEHAT: "Quoth the raven, snort my taint."

Last 5 posts by Ken White

17 Comments

17 Comments

  1. Laura  •  Jun 19, 2013 @3:43 pm

    …but why do some of those searches lead people *here*?

  2. somebody  •  Jun 19, 2013 @4:01 pm

    Speak of the pony, and the pony shall arrive.

    And it will never stop haunting you. On the way to work, you will look behind you, and there will be the pony. You will be checking out groceries and in the aisle across from you, there will be the pony, staring right back at you. You will inspect your traffic logs, and the only remaining visitor to your blog will be the pony. You will flee to your bathroom and, desperate for a breath of clean outside air, throw open the window — and there will be the pony.

  3. John O.  •  Jun 19, 2013 @4:45 pm

    Thank you for the laughs as they made my day!

  4. SJD  •  Jun 19, 2013 @4:47 pm

    is threatening to defame someone if you don't pay them blackmail

    Hmm… "If you don't do this and that, I will defame you, and you will sue me, and the burden of proof is yours, and the fees are not recoverable!"

    Fun.

  5. Joe Pullen  •  Jun 19, 2013 @4:49 pm

    I always love the road to Popehat and I needed a laugh today. I'm thankful there were no more search terms alluding to launching badgers at my face.

  6. Tali McPike  •  Jun 19, 2013 @5:25 pm

    @Joe Pullen: I firmly believe that the launching badgers at your face search is one of the greatest Road to Popehat moments ever.

  7. Analee  •  Jun 19, 2013 @6:26 pm

    That awkward moment where you forgot your mother has never heard of Popehat, text her about this post, and then have to explain "snort my taint" to her.

  8. kps  •  Jun 19, 2013 @7:47 pm

    “If you don't stop masturbating, I'm getting an abortion.”

  9. Michael K.  •  Jun 19, 2013 @9:28 pm

    That blackmail plan has me giggling like an idiot.

  10. jasmine  •  Jun 19, 2013 @11:39 pm

    And strangely enough, searching for "what the navy dont want you to know about small farm poneys uttering a threat to a fetus" brings you directly to this article.

  11. Alan W.  •  Jun 20, 2013 @2:36 am

    That last one made me chuckle, and prompted my wife to ask me what was so funny. It's hard to describe the WHY.

    I could say, "It's a guy thing", but then I don't come off looking so good.

    I could say, "Because any sentence that uses the word 'taint' is a good sentence", but then again, I come off sounding like a bit of a Male Neanderthal (not to be confused with the MUCH more intelligent Female Neanderthal).

    But then I just use my standard, "It's a movie reference". That elicits the bog-standard eye-roll and shake of the head.

    Whew! Dodged that one…

  12. Sean C  •  Jun 20, 2013 @7:34 am

    Popehat police blotter: Now I've scene it all, Highschool Musical Dinner Theater

    Between bites of dinner, an offended man in a navy suit snarled at a stage actress, threatening her unborn child and accusing her of abusing recreational decongestants when he saw that her shirt read 'OK coral' with an arrow pointing down towards her skirt. Nonplussed, she continued coaxing a strangers pony onto the stage. As the spotlight fell onto the pony, the full splendor of its fishnet stockings and corset emblazoned with the phrase 'Everybody love somepony' was revealed. The man screamed 'I. Will. Cut. You!' before gagging on his fork. The tactical equine response team pronounced the man dead after a two hour standoff.

    Insiders report Rosicrucrusian highschool officials paid a witness an undisclosed sum to suppress video of the event.

  13. Vince Clortho  •  Jun 21, 2013 @2:22 pm

    Is it bad that seven of those ten searches were me?

  14. AlphaCentauri  •  Jun 21, 2013 @4:32 pm

    I wonder what my own Google search history might look like. I tend to put up non-grammatical collections of the terms I want most highly ranked, but they probably could be interpreted in other ways.

    On a lighter note, the onion covered something similar:
    http://www.theonion.com/video/romneys-terrifying-google-search-history-leaked,29971/

  15. Wayne Borean  •  Jun 21, 2013 @6:13 pm

    Yep. Incoming searches are soooo much fun.

    Wayne

  16. nhrpolitic13  •  Jun 24, 2013 @1:54 pm

    Ken, it seems that you could quite easily take a number from "Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me!" and add one item each month for a "which one of these bizzare entries did I completely make up?" competition. As it stands I am strongly tempted to believe that if the farm ponies weren't made up, then someone is deliberately playing off of Popehat's known enjoyment of, and expertise in, all things pony.

  17. Derrick Coetzee  •  Jun 27, 2013 @11:41 pm

    @nhrpolitic13: You underestimate the diversity of human sexuality.