Coming Soon, To A Theater Near You

Effluvia

Cue MPAA PG-13 Rating Screen. Cue Dreamworks logo, in association with Disney.

Close up of Matt Damon from behind and over right shoulder, clad in black leather jacket, wearing VR glasses, typing furiously at a keyboard before a monitor displaying mulitcolored images of geometric figures.

Announcer: "Meet Case. He's a hacker."

Tracking shot to close-up of Damon, on a night-time Tokyo street corner, the sky lit by images of Anime figures and [K-Pop singer the studio's parent company needs to promote at time of release], handing a compact disc to a Gunjin [see source novelization], and receiving a credit chip in return.

Cut to medium shot of Emily Blount, wearing Versace leather, Prada shoes, and mirrored sunglasses, performing a disarming martial arts move on [affordable character actor resembling Ray Liotta, or Liotta if negotiable].

Announcer: "Meet Molly. She's a career girl, hiding a secret behind those mirrored sunglasses."

Cut to close-up of Blount, emerging from shower, strategic mist around her body, raising her hands in a motion resembling prayer. Blount's lacquered fingernails morph from red to liquid silver [instruct FX library to lease T-1000 FX from Cameron], revealing them to be knives.

Cut to distance telephoto shot of Will Smith walking forward, clad in hair extension dreadlocks, a ripped sweater revealing Smith's abs, jeans, and motorcycle boots. Smith holds a sawed-off shotgun in each hand, elbows turned upwards. Greenscreen behind Smith shows [Gothic Spaceship Interior #9], with a neon sign behind Smith, flashing the word "ZION".

Announcer: "And Malcolm, her best friend."

Musical Cue: [Standard THWOP-THWOP noise #7]. Fade to black.

Interior shot of 1957 Cadillac El Dorado on night-lit LA freeway, Smith driving, Blount, in passenger seat, extended from window firing AK-47 at unseen object behind, Damon in rear compartment, wearing VR goggles, typing furiously at laptop.

Announcer: "They're about to commit the greatest theft of all time."

Cut to medium shot of a bar, with two patrons and a robot bartender. First patron is John Malkovich, clad in [Corrupt Businessman Heavy Three Piece Suit #6]. Second is [Generic German heavy actor resembling Rutger Hauer, or Hauer if affordable].

Malkovich, in German accent: "I want them in the games, until they die playing!"

Hauer: "Ja!"

Announcer: "If they don't get killed first."

Cut to medium-close [Gothic Spaceship interior #12], Damon, not wearing VR goggles, speaking to Smith.

Damon: "Still, she's got spirit. You think, a razorgirl and guy like me?"

Smith: "Don't worry, be happy mon."

Cut to [Alpine Lake Hotel Vista # 2], semi-close shot, Damon and Blount seated close at [Intimate Dinner Table #5], [prop steak #4] before Damon, [prop salad #2] before Blount.

Damon: "I love you, Molly."

Blount: "We've got business, Case."

Close-up, same set: Damon and Blount embrace, and kiss across the table.

Cut to shot of [Starfighter #4], pursued by [Starcruiser #3], panning to [Midtechlevel Space Station #11], draw back wide to Greenscreen starfield.

Announcer: "This Holiday Season, Steven Spielberg presents NEUROMANCER, in theaters across the Matrix!"

Fade to black.

Last 5 posts by Patrick Non-White

63 Comments

61 Comments

  1. Patrick Non-White  •  Jun 14, 2013 @2:56 pm

    I suspect "hacker against the man" movies are due for a boost in popularity next year.

    I thought I'd try to head this one off.

  2. Lawrence Person  •  Jun 14, 2013 @3:22 pm

    You are a very, very evil man. I really respect that.

    Vaguely related.

  3. Isaac Cambron  •  Jun 14, 2013 @3:54 pm

    Yikes. Damon as Case revealed too early–could barely read the rest of it through my cringing. I'm still shuddering, actually.

  4. Miles Archer  •  Jun 14, 2013 @4:06 pm

    I'm a huge Gibson fan. It will be a while before Hollywood is capable of making a movie out of his books that doesn't suck donkey turds.

  5. Anonymous  •  Jun 14, 2013 @4:51 pm

    Dear lord, NO!!!!!!

  6. Anonymous  •  Jun 14, 2013 @4:51 pm

    Correction…. By the FSM's Noodly Appendage, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Wick  •  Jun 14, 2013 @5:01 pm

    So wrong, on so many levels.

  8. Alex the Too Old  •  Jun 14, 2013 @5:01 pm

    That left a bruise. On my SOUL.

  9. AlphaCentauri  •  Jun 14, 2013 @5:22 pm

    Was that a Star Wars reference to "Do you think a princess and a guy like me…?"

  10. George William Herbert  •  Jun 14, 2013 @6:44 pm

    "The comments section was the color of a subreddit left to spammers…"

  11. Sophia, NOT Loren!  •  Jun 14, 2013 @7:01 pm

    As Lawrence said, you are a respectably evil man.

    Also, I think I'm going to be sick now.

  12. mud man  •  Jun 14, 2013 @8:28 pm

    Did you really mean Emily Blount?

  13. Anton Sirius  •  Jun 14, 2013 @9:00 pm

    One nitpick: they really only use the "Meet X"-style narration in trailers for comedies.

    Actually, nowadays it only gets used in fake trailers parodying bad comedies.

  14. That Anonymous Coward  •  Jun 14, 2013 @9:29 pm

    With the rise of the MegaCorp chummer, I expect to see them leaning more on Shadowrun. The IP's cheaper.

  15. wgering  •  Jun 14, 2013 @10:38 pm

    I actually thought Shadowrun when I saw "VR goggles."

    I then proceeded to die inside when I realized what it actually was.

  16. Michael Donnelly  •  Jun 14, 2013 @11:58 pm

    As a hacker (according to the Honorable David G Campbell of AZ), I have to say that movie sounds like total ass compared to the novel. But props to Patrick for effective use of The Formula.

    Harder than it looks from outside the studio.

  17. James Pollock  •  Jun 15, 2013 @3:54 am

    Wintermute will never let it happen.

  18. Brian Poirier  •  Jun 15, 2013 @7:36 am

    I'd welcome a good movie version of a Gibson movie. That would not be it.

    But they could always retitle it "Bourne 2.0 In Space"

  19. Votre  •  Jun 15, 2013 @7:42 am

    Acccck!!!! Blasphemy! The Panther Moderns need to be called in pronto if Speilberg goes through with it as you just described.

  20. Clark  •  Jun 15, 2013 @8:20 am

    [affordable character actor resembling Ray Liotta, or Liotta if negotiable].

    LOL!

    I love Ray Liotta. He's not often necessary, but when he IS necessary, it's really best to go with the original.

  21. Clark  •  Jun 15, 2013 @8:21 am

    @Miles Archer

    I'm a huge Gibson fan. It will be a while before Hollywood is capable of making a movie out of his books that doesn't suck donkey turds.

    Any of his recent stuff should be possible to film, even on a small budget. The Cayce Pollard / Blue Ant stuff would be perfect for an Ethan Hawke mid-indie-budget kind of production (note: Ethan Hawke not actually needed).

  22. Joe D  •  Jun 15, 2013 @9:12 am

    Did you mean Emily Blunt?

  23. That Anonymous Coward  •  Jun 15, 2013 @11:14 am

    @Joe D. – Well I think James Blunt in a dress would be much to shocking.

  24. LauraW  •  Jun 15, 2013 @11:31 am

    Neuromancer might actually make a good movie if done well. But I don't think anyone in Hollywood could do it well. Maybe someone a younger Ridley Scott (think Bladerunner) or the guy who did District 9. Someone good at dystopias. And a low special-effects budget, so it doesn't end up being Tron in Space.

    Matt Damon. Must go gouge eyes out now.

  25. rmd  •  Jun 15, 2013 @12:22 pm

    And featuring George Takai as the magic ninja (Hideo? It's been a couple of decades since I last read it.) This could (possibly) suck as much as the Keanu Reeves "Johnny Mnemonic".

    This, however,

    "The comments section was the color of a subreddit left to spammers…"

    wins the internet for the day.

  26. Mark  •  Jun 15, 2013 @1:35 pm

    You left off Matthew Mcconaughey. I understand he will appear – courtesy of Pixar effects – as The Dixie Flatline.

    No confirmed word yet on who will play The Finn. According to the studio the character will be portrayed onscreen as a wisecracking CGI head to bring in a larger audience.

    Earlier rumors that John Leguizamo or Nathan Lane will be taking time off of Michael Bay's new Epic Comedy "Sacco and Vanzetti" to provide voiceover for the zany fence remain unconfirmed.

  27. arparp  •  Jun 15, 2013 @6:40 pm

    Despite being important and visionary, Neuromancer is a poorly written book. Even if it weren't (or isn't, to those of you filling with righteous keyboard rage) a bad movie adaptation won't diminish the original work any more than a child making a scribbled portrait with crayons would diminish whatever person you find most attractive.

  28. Ken  •  Jun 15, 2013 @6:56 pm

    Hideo is the name. Who do you like for Armitage?

  29. rmd  •  Jun 15, 2013 @7:59 pm

    In the spirit of picking people who would be totally wrong for the part but who are the people that Hollywood would pick, I propose LL Cool J for Armitage and Lucy Liu for Molly. Directed by Peter Jackson who will drag the whole thing out into a four part trilogy.

  30. Demosthenes  •  Jun 15, 2013 @9:11 pm

    It's pretty clearly meant to be Emily Blunt, she of "The Devil Wears Prada" and "The Young Victoria." And also "The Adjustment Bureau," and a huge hat-tip to Patrick for what I can only assume is an intentional reference, pairing her with Matt Damon. (Whose films I can't stand anymore, because they all seem too heavy on the Howard Zinn class-warfare crap. It doesn't help, I guess, that I hate Howard Zinn.) If Hollywood ever did decide to piss me off by making "Neuromancer: Teh Muvee," this is exactly who they would cast, and this is exactly what the trailer would look like.

    On an unrelated note, "Man of Steel" was worth the wait…

  31. James Pollock  •  Jun 15, 2013 @10:11 pm

    "Burning Chrome" is probably the better candidate for a movie. Of course, I would have picked it ahead of "Johnny Mnemonic", too.

    Peter Jackson would be better with "The Difference Engine". I think he'd do great at settling all the little details of period costuming and set design.

  32. babaganusz  •  Jun 16, 2013 @1:26 am

    been popping by for a year or three now, and have never before seen such a stream of pretentious fap/whining in the comments. not sure how it could be any other way in this context, however.

    also, while it is hideo, it's also takei, and you (like most gaijin) probably need to learn how that's actually pronounced.

    i like brian cox for armitage (and fwiw, i would've said so before xmen 2). 20 years ago* i would've said brian dennehy, but i've learned half a thing or so since then.

    *back when annie lennox would've been at least 23% more viable than now to be molly.

    no such thing as a dream-team case – he should be played by an unknown. failing that, sam rockwell.

    and malcolm jamal-warner as malcolm, duh.

  33. That Anonymous Coward  •  Jun 16, 2013 @2:46 am

    @LauraW – Someone good at dystopian…
    I thought movies were supposed to be fantasies to take us away from our everyday lives…

  34. Noxx  •  Jun 16, 2013 @7:23 am

    Ridley Scott was the only person really capable of bringing Gibson to the screen, and after his most recent films I'm pretty sure that opportunity is gone forever.

  35. Bob Plankers  •  Jun 16, 2013 @9:57 am

    Ed Harris as Armitage.

  36. perlhaqr  •  Jun 16, 2013 @10:43 am

    I hate you, Milkman Dan.

  37. Xtifr  •  Jun 16, 2013 @12:28 pm

    Here's a thought to contemplate and make you feel old. What is "the color of a television tuned to a dead channel." In 1984, it was one thing. Today, I suspect, most kids would think of a vivid, bright blue, much like the color of the sky over California today.

  38. Ambidexter  •  Jun 16, 2013 @12:36 pm

    Stephen Fry would be good as The Finn.

  39. Eric Holder  •  Jun 16, 2013 @2:52 pm

    Nonsense. I told them, Case has to be a nerdy little twerp. That's why he needs Molly.

    Sheesh.

  40. christian white and his ayran reggae band  •  Jun 16, 2013 @4:55 pm

    when making films, never choose the story with the talking dolphin

  41. Demosthenes  •  Jun 16, 2013 @6:12 pm

    You gotta love it when this –

    "…have never before seen such a stream of pretentious fap/whining in the comments."

    – is followed so closely by this:

    "…it's also takei, and you (like most gaijin) probably need to learn how that's actually pronounced."

    Pot…hey, over here, Pot. Have you met my good friend Kettle?

  42. Mark  •  Jun 16, 2013 @7:48 pm

    Oh dear.

    I just realized that there is a movie coming out that stars Matt Damon and is directed by "that District 9 guy".

    In addition, its plot centers around a team from somewhere much like The Sprawl (which definitely includes a bionically enhanced character, a pilot for a ramshackle ship, and a hacker type) traveling to a luxurious orbital station. The station is controlled by a possibly mad woman. That possibly mad woman activates an heavily engineered assassin to stop them. And just to add one more part of the thread – the plot looks a bit like something Howard Zinn would enjoy.

    How did I get this information?

    ….I watched the trailer. (cue Inception noise blast)

    Do Popehat threads travel backwards in time?

  43. bill.  •  Jun 17, 2013 @4:46 am

    Is now time for the Cryptonomicon movie?

    Randy puts the phone back in its armrest cradle and prepares to sink into a well-deserved plane-coma. But five minutes later the phone rings. It is so disorienting to have one's phone ring on an airplane that he doesn't know what to make of it for a while. When he finally realizes what's going on, he has to consult the instruction card to figure out how to answer it.

    When he finally has the thing turned on and at his ear, a voice says, "You call that subtle? You think that you and Doug Shaftoe are the only two people in the world who know that Sultan-Class passengers can receive incoming phone calls?" Randy is certain he's never heard this voice before. It is the voice of an old man. Not a voice worn out or cracking with age, but a voice that's been slowly worn smooth, like the steps of a cathedral.

    "Um, who's this?"

    "Am I right in thinking that you want Mr. Shaftoe to go to a pay telephone somewhere and then call you back?"

    "Who is this, please?"

    "You think that's more secure than his GSM phone? It's not really." The speaker pauses frequently before, during, and after sentences, as if he's been spending a lot of time alone, and is having trouble hitting his conversational stride.

    "Okay," Randy says, "you know who I am and whom I was calling. So obviously you are surveilling me. You're not working for the Dentist, I take it. That leaves–what? The United States Government? The NSA, right?"

    The man laughs. "As a rule the Fort Meade boys don't bother to check in with the people whose lines they are tapping." The caller has an un-American crispness in his voice, vaguely Northern European. "In your case the NSA might make an exception, it's true–when I was there, they were all great admirers of your grandfather's work. In fact, they liked it so much they stole it."

    "No higher flattery, I guess."
    [...]
    I was there to watch the NSA watching your grandfather."

  44. rev  •  Jun 17, 2013 @6:21 am

    cryptonomicon is fantastic; took me a year to read it with my schedule; i just don't think three hours of screen time is enough to do it justice.

  45. mojo  •  Jun 17, 2013 @8:12 am

    Snow Crash.

    "Oh, I think they'll listen to REASON…"

  46. Colin  •  Jun 17, 2013 @9:15 am

    When you started out with "Meet Case…" and "Meet Molly…" there was a large part of my brain cringing itself nearly inside-out in dread of reading "Musical cue: Solsbury Hill". Thank you for not going there.

  47. marco73  •  Jun 17, 2013 @9:37 am

    Here, this will leave a mark: A "Ron Howard" film.

  48. babaganusz  •  Jun 17, 2013 @10:25 am

    yes, 'Demosthenes', there are only two sides to anything. you are an unparalleled master of hypocrisy-detection.

    next.

    cryptonomicon would have to be a miniseries.

  49. SPQR  •  Jun 17, 2013 @10:38 am

    Neuromancer hasn't really stood up IMO. Although its first line is still classic.

    But then, my perception may just be colored by the fact that Gibson's work has been so overrated in general.

  50. James Pollock  •  Jun 17, 2013 @10:40 am

    If you need to have a hacker movie on your release schedule, remake "Evilspeak".
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082346/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

  51. Susskins  •  Jun 17, 2013 @11:23 am

    Somebody better call the Turing Police before this thing becomes sentient.

  52. naught_for_naught  •  Jun 17, 2013 @12:09 pm

    "there are only two sides to anything."

    Well, then there's definitely something wrong with these polyhedrons. Fetchin' a hammer here, boss.

  53. JSlane  •  Jun 17, 2013 @2:38 pm

    Dreamworks and Disney teaming up? Disney owns Pixar, why would they ever need to use Dreamworks for anything?

    Nueromancer would maybe be doable now with current levels of near-photo-realistic CGI. Personally, I'd prefer something like an HBO/Showtime/Starz mini-series (10 episodes to cover the whole book and maybe flesh out the details on scenes where the book is a bit sparse)… Maybe even Netflix, but I think the budget for the CGI involved might be beyond them for a couple more years.

  54. Demosthenes  •  Jun 17, 2013 @10:21 pm

    I wasn't calling you a hypocrite, babaganusz. Hypocrisy requires a degree of self-awareness.

    SPQR: Eh, you're probably right. Certainly its depiction of cyberspace is outmoded. Ironically, I'd point to its classic first line as an example of how it hasn't stood up to the times. Whose TVs still get fuzzies on the "dead channels" anymore? But as technological dystopia, it's still one of the most unique worlds ever crafted.

  55. rev  •  Jun 18, 2013 @7:10 am

    SPQR: I tend to agree with you re: neuromancer. i read it as an adult and my main complaint was about the sex in the book. either a) it needed to be better written, i.e. it felt like a teenage dream to me rather than something real, or b) it needed to be cut because it didn't really forward the story. i would have preferred option b) because then i could at least let my 12 year old daughter (who reads voraciously) read it. as it is, i can't recommend it. i have the same complaint about niven's ringworld, which in the end was even more disappointing than i could ever have imagined, not just for the pointless sex, but for severely deficient story telling, dangling plot elements, and poor character development.

  56. Tam  •  Jun 18, 2013 @9:49 am

    Be careful, Patrick, for you are treading on my dreams.

  57. jdgalt  •  Jun 18, 2013 @5:31 pm

    If Hollywood wants to get me back in a theater, let them make Snow Crash. Accurately.

  58. PsychoDan  •  Jun 18, 2013 @11:06 pm

    There actually are some steps being taken towards a Neuromancer movie. They've got the guy who directed Cube and nothing else anyone cares about to direct, and supposedly they want Liam Neeson as Armitage. I don't think it's actually going to happen.

  59. babaganusz  •  Jun 19, 2013 @12:57 am

    I wasn't calling you a hypocrite, babaganusz.

    nor was i claiming (nor would i ever claim) to be above or apart from pretentious fap/whining or being a gaijin. but i hope your imagination could eventually work out more than one possible purpose for the comment you so enjoyed a slice of.

    Hypocrisy requires a degree of self-awareness.

    who can afford to worry about how aware I am of my self, when even one with your breathtakingly piercing perception seems unable* to grasp the available pieces?

    *perhaps merely unwilling, though in that case it's somewhat bizarre that you deign to respond at all.

  60. babaganusz  •  Jun 19, 2013 @1:12 am

    Well, then there's definitely something wrong with these polyhedrons. Fetchin' a hammer here, boss.

    you, good sir, may use the laser doohickies – unless you prefer hammerin'. (just save a few for the gamers; nobody else has to know…)

  61. luagha  •  Jun 24, 2013 @11:34 pm

    Speaking of Shadowrun, here's their movie trailer:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q43h1zHpjqc

    (It's a fan clip-art)

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