Won't Anybody Think Of The Children, And The Ponies, And The Ponies Attacking The Children?

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57 Responses

  1. SassQueen says:

    Do you think she gets it yet? If she is even a she?

  2. MattS says:

    Ken,

    We here at PETA(People Eating Tasty Animals) can not provide you with direct assistance because ponies aren't very tasty.

    However, if you wish to protect your home and children from the horrors of ponies, I recommend wolves.

  3. PLW says:

    I would like to send over for your review a post on target shooting. The topic will be target shooting, and it will be centered around target shooting. Its title will be "Target Shooting: Centered around Centering a Round." I'm sure that you'll be impressed with the quality of my writing.

  4. ZarroTsu says:

    Depending on which side of the internet you're from, the threat of ponies might actually be a real one. I'm hesitant to cite some sources, however — they're watching. Waiting for a chance to strike.

  5. Burk says:

    Congrats, Lauren – you got p0wni3d.

  6. JP says:

    Why, oh why, does Ken pick on ponies? Does he want to take his revenge on a Brony that tormented him? Did he have a bad experience at the racetrack?

    Enquiring minds want to know!

  7. Nicholas Weaver says:

    Its quite interesting how Ken has transitioned from "Pay me in Ponies" to "All Ponies Must Die".

    And remember, with all due respect to Joe "Shotgun" Biden, the best home defense tool against rampaging ponies is an AR-15 pattern rifle.

  8. Nicholas Weaver says:

    And remember:

  9. Frank says:

    Not only are ponies a menace that will kill you and everyone you care for but even now the Pony Industrial Complex is coming up with ways to scam you out of your hard earned dollars.

  10. Thomas Reed says:

    Beware! there is someone running around selling Defective ponies, http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/barbara-tichner-dildabanian-sues-325k-after-being-sold-injured-pony I figured this would fit in nicely here.

  11. David Aubke says:

    From their About page:

    "Prior to contacting relevant web publishers, our outreach team of vertical specific content advocates intimately interact with our editorial and creative teams to ensure that the right content is offered to the right publisher at the right time."

    Vertical specific content advocates… I love it.

  12. Chris R. says:

    Ponies can jump, they use the ability in the wild to eat larger animals faces off. I recommend a 12ft wide and 9ft deep hole surrounding your home. Fill it with sharpened and fire hardened stakes buried halfway into the bottom facing up. Remember to empty the corpses frequently or they'll pile up forming a rotting flesh bridge for their ilk to cross.

  13. JR says:

    @JP
    Don't you mean "Equinine minds"?

  14. LT says:

    @MattS- I disagree. I had horse meat while in Japan, and it was pretty tasty. Tiny pony meat could only be tastier.

    Y'know. Once you strip all the evil and poisonous parts out. They're kinda like fugu that way.

  15. naught_for_naught says:

    The only sure way to guarantee the safety of another: carbonite.

  16. SouthJerseyBlu says:

    Almost aspirated my cookie. Damn you.

  17. mcinsand says:

    Are you really sure that you're fearing the correct 4-legged barnyard animal, Ken? Let me relate a true story, and maybe my ex-mother-in-law is wiser than I thought.

    Years ago, my ex-wife and I were going to go camping with friends, and her Mom started acting even more nervous than usual. One of us asked what the deal was, and she asked if we were not afraid to go camping. We asked what we would be afraid of, thinking she might be pondering people wandering through the woods, and her answer caught us off guard: 'cows!' At the time, I didn't take it seriously, and I think I did make some joke about wild cows stripping a person to the bone in a few minutes' of feeding frenzy. However, maybe they are plotting, and maybe they're setting up the ponies to take the blame.

  18. MattS says:

    Nicholas Weaver,

    "And remember, with all due respect to Joe "Shotgun" Biden, the best home defense tool against rampaging ponies is an AR-15 pattern rifle."

    Preferably in .458 SOCOM

  19. Kris says:

    Anybody ever read "Ponies" by Kij Johnson? Dark, dark, dark story.

    http://www.tor.com/stories/2010/11/ponies

  20. KRM says:

    As the father of four girls (now grown, mostly) I will concur that ponies represent the biggest threat to humankind since lost baby kittens. And they live a really, really long time, too.

  21. James says:

    Ponies are fine for children, and a very good source of protein. You are concerned about properly feeding your children, right?

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/jan/17/how-to-cook-horsemeat-three-thrifty-recipes

  22. Linus says:

    Do you all HOPE to hear my little girl cry piteously "Daddy, daddy, the tiny little hooves, they hurt. Daddy, why does nobody in the online marketing industry care about my pain and terror?"

    Tell me if you can, Lauren. My poor little daughter wants to know.

    You'd think a destroyer of worlds would have better equine relations. Can't she get her pale horse to intercede for her?

  23. Shan Ban says:

    I know this is a joke, and it was funny. But I was chased by two feral ponies in China, Maine. And it was probably one of the most terrifying and oddly hilarious experiences of my life.

  24. Martin says:

    Ken, you are the wind beneath my (very, very sarcastic) wings!

  25. Ken Mencher says:

    You'd think these people were incapable of reading posts on the internet….almost like they were…

    No…

    Spammers are ponies!

  26. MattS says:

    If you want to get rid of a pony, give it a lot of money.

  27. Doctor Railgun says:

    Pinky Pie is not amused.

  28. z! says:

    Hey, it's not just the ponies. There are rogue cassowaries that'll run at you from the underbrush; they can kick (like a mule, or maybe pony) and have a nasty 5" claw/toe on each foot that can sever a limb. Beware!

  29. naught_for_naught says:

    @Shan Ban

    You are what we who are familiar with equine-dementia refer to as pony bait.

  30. Dan says:

    Is anyone else curious what the three solutions are that spammers believe keep children safe in the city? And how many spammy backlinks are in that solution-laden blog post?

    Social Monsters dot org probably wonders why it's getting so much traffic today. Is Lauren one of their "vertical specific content advocates"?

  31. Al Iverson says:

    Be especially weary if the pony in question knows more than one trick.

  32. Shan Ban says:

    @naught_for_naught

    I learned that day that when your sister asks you to come with her to Maine so she can go to Prom, you say no.

  33. SarahW says:

    One episode of PonnyAkuten was all it took for the scales to fall from my eyes about pony menace. Stay strong, stay safe, keep ponies is Sweden far away for our borders.

  34. Jon says:

    Come on, you've got to feel sorry for a "social marketing and content creation organization" that has only managed 3 tweets and 14 followers since last September. Likewise they have only 2 likes and no new content since Oct 1st of last year on Facebook. Gee, being mocked on Popehat is probably their most brilliant publicity and marketing move ever!

  35. Tali McPike says:

    @Jon, "feel sorry" is not the first reaction I have to hearing that information about a "social marketing and content creation organization." My reaction is more to point and laugh obnoxiously at them because they obviously suck and are in the wrong industry.

    You may be right that this is the most eyes they have ever had on them, but it given the nature of the encounter, it could prove to be a death blow for them.

  36. Shawn Young says:

    What this site REALLY needs is some guest posts promoting the great sport of water polo. Do you have any idea how many ponies drown in water polo matches annually? Water fills their lungs, and–BAM!

  37. Tali McPike says:

    @Shawn Young
    I see what you did there…
    BRILLIANT!

  38. Malc says:

    @David Aubke: Thanks for that wonderful extract from the About page! Do you know of any specialist Spam-o-Marketing meaning of "intimately interacting" with an editorial/creative team that isn't specifically and literally synonymous with f*cking them?

  39. Kevin Malone says:

    Equine despair. Nice touch.

  40. George William Herbert says:

    MattS wrote:
    "We here at PETA(People Eating Tasty Animals) can not provide you with direct assistance because ponies aren't very tasty."

    Would it be blackmail to threaten to point out the political career of another frequent commenter at this juncture?

  41. Marius says:

    @Z!

    Cassowaries?! Those damn asshole birds killed me 3 times in Far Cry 3! They are truly evil.

    Thanks to Ken's warnings I just thank all that is good that there were no ponies on Rook Island.

  42. Gary says:

    Ken: You live for days like this, don't you?

  43. Anchovy says:

    Ever seen a pony dressed as a clown?

    Now that is scary.

  44. MattS says:

    George William Herbert,

    "Would it be blackmail to threaten to point out the political career of another frequent commenter at this juncture?"

    No, to be blackmail you would have to threaten to point out his or her political career UNLESS he or she gives you something of value in exchange.

  45. MattS says:

    George William Herbert,

    P.S.

    Since politicians tend to be attention seeking, I can't imagine what kind of political career might be blackmail worthy.

  46. Scote says:

    I do hope Ken will right more on Diminutive Equine Evil. Ponies aren't less evil than horses because of their smaller size, they are evil *condensed* into its purest form.

    The prepper community thinks it is prepared. They stock away supplies for nuclear war, earthquakes, famine–but not ponies. Nor are the prepared for the maniacal enablers of Concentrated Equine Malevolence, the on-line marketers who enable them and refuse to act against them.

  47. Jack says:

    Ken, Ken, Ken.

    When will you realize the hopelessness of seeking pony-defense assistance from a bunch of Yahoos?

  48. david says:

    Made my day, yet again

  49. Ben says:

    A pony killed my mother. Did you know Hitler was a pony?