In Which I Make Up Tsarnaev Legal Conspiracies So You Don't Have To

Fun, Law

"Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind," says John Donne.

But why stop there? Any man's (or woman's) fatigue or writer's block diminishes me as well.

Is anyone sparing any thought for the people furiously writing conspiracy theories about the federal prosecution of accused Boston Marathon terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev? Does anyone even care about the quality of home life of the people laboring to misinform their readers about federal criminal procedure and the contours of constitutional rights?

I care. I worry about whether Pat Dollard is spending enough time with his real and/or imagined family. I kvetch about whether Daniel Greenfield makes time to go to the dry cleaners and buy fresh tinfoil. I'm concerned that the folks at Jihad Watch haven't had time to pick up their prescriptions at RiteAid. I'm concerned that Megyn Kelly has had much less time to spend sneering incredulously at her loved ones. Is Paul Mirengoff eating right? And is John Yoo working out? You're only one person, John, and you can't applaud all the torture in the world all by yourself.

I can help.

I've made up some conspiracy theories and ominous observations about federal criminal procedure for you. Go home early! Catch a movie. Mow the lawn. Throw the ol' pigskin around with the kids. I've got this.

The Right To Representation

Incredibly, terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev has been provided with lawyers — at taxpayer expense! Specifically he has the help of the Federal Public Defender. Are you suspicious yet? You should be. Convicted al-Qaida terrorist Jose Pailla was represented by a federal public defender. Attempted shoe bomber Richard Reid has represented by federal public defenders. Attempted underwear bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was assisted by the federal public defender. The list goes on and on.

Why does the Obama Administration refuse to investigate why the federal public defenders keep defending terrorists? What's their agenda? What do they have to hide?

And don't get me started on the "private" attorneys like Judy Clarke. Clarke defended the Unabomber. The Unabomber had a beard. Muslims have beards. We're through the looking glass here, people.

The Right To Discovery

As a federal criminal defendant, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev will have the right to learn about the evidence against him. Incredibly, the government will even have to disclose things that hurt their case, even though it's very important that he be convicted. He has that "right" under a United States Supreme Court case called Brady v. Maryland.

Brady is the result of an activist court, one that has long been suspected of having terrorist sympathies. But . . . what if more than sympathies are in play here? What if Islamic extremists have been working in our so-called "Supreme Court" — the very name of which suggests a pretense at elevation over decent Americans? What if those extremists have been setting up so-called "decisions" and "precedents" and "rights for decades, just waiting to use them to protect terrorists?

Far-fetched? Maybe with your limited imagination. But that's only because you don't use the eyes God gave you. It's right in front of you. Look at who is among the people the Supreme Court glorifies on its very walls:

BOOGABOOGABOOGA

Muhammad (c. 570 – 632) The Prophet of Islam. He is depicted holding the Qur’an. The Qur’an provides the primary source of Islamic Law. Prophet Muhammad’s teachings explain and implement Qur’anic principles. The figure above is a well-intentioned attempt by the sculptor, Adolph Weinman, to honor Muhammad and it bears no resemblance to Muhammad. Muslims generally have a strong aversion to sculptured or pictured representations of their Prophet.

Why aren't you listening?

The Right To Trial

Now that the terrorist-sympathizing Obama administration has decided to charge Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in federal court, he'll be entitled to a trial, with witnesses and evidence and cross-examination and all sorts of impediments to the prompt conviction and execution that is our right.

Ask yourself, where does this "right to trial" come from?

It comes from England. England, as everybody knows, is simply overrun by Muslims. You might think that's a recent phenomenon . . . but is it? Isn't it time we start assessing how far back the Muslim influence goes, and what role it might have played in the development of the jury trial in the common law? "Magna Carta" is a very foreign sounding term. It sounds French. Moreover, the Magna Carta was accepted by King John. King John was depicted in the 1973 documentary of his life by Peter Ustinov. Peter Ustinov — oh, Peter Ustinov.

Ustinov was the President of the World Federalist Movement from 1991 to 2004, the time of his death. WFM is a global NGO that promotes the concept of global democratic institutions. WFM lobbies those in powerful positions to establish a unified human government based on democracy and civil society. The United Nations and other world agencies would become the institutions of a World Federation. The UN would be the federal government and nation states would become like provinces.

Can't you see what's happening right in front of your faces? Obama is using a Muslim-influenced "jury trial right" to impose a New World Order.

There. Take the afternoon off, folks! Glad to be of help.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

50 Comments

49 Comments

  1. dfbaskwill  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:11 am

    I think of the Unabomber's disdain for technology whenever I see 4 "youts" in a group not paying attention to each other while texting 4 other "unknown youts" elsewhere. The Unabomber's pennance is to spend all of the rest of his life with no human interaction. Today's "youts" are doing that to themselves willingly all around us. Score only 1 measly point for the lowly Unabomber, but it is one point I at least have acknowledged.

  2. Nicholas Weaver  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:11 am

    Is there a contest going for discovering who and when the first conspiracy nutcase uses one of these in a "legitimate" context?

  3. Bear  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:13 am

    You need to use a specific 'satire' tag. Now Alex Jones and Joe Farah are going to use this as proof… PROOF, I tell you! of the conspiracy. Conspiracies. All of them.

  4. Justin Kittredge  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:20 am

    Hilarious.

  5. Dan  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:26 am

    You are obviously not qualified to post any conspiracy theories due to an obvious grasp of both legal matters and history.

  6. Andrew  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:42 am

    +1 to John Dunne for the Mick Foley reference.

  7. naught_for_naught  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:44 am

    Ask not for whom the bell tolls…really don't ask.

  8. Oomph  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:44 am

    They have a picture. A picture I tell you, they have the proof. Batten down the hatches!

  9. Greg  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:48 am

    You were quite swift with that modest proposal, Ken.

  10. Votre  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:48 am

    Thank you Ken! You've saved me at least an hour+ usually spent getting my daily dose of right-wing pundits and talk shows. That frees up more time for watching Swamp People and pro wrestling. I owe ya!

  11. different Jess  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:52 am

    Mo' might want to procure a scabbard. He needs a sharp scimitar and healthy fingers, what with Charlemagne standing right behind him in such menacing fashion. Is he going to bash him with the sphere or stick him with the sword? Justinian is keeping a close watch as well, ready to work that scepter like Donatello the Turtle. It's profiling, I tell you. Only John is looking at anyone besides Mo', and that's only because he's telling Louis a joke.

  12. Squillo  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:52 am

    Psst… the poet was John Donne (although I understand those Elizabethans were a little free and easy with the spellings.)

    Otherwise, a very fine roster of theories indeed.

  13. Ken White  •  Apr 30, 2013 @8:53 am

    My people have no tradition of proofreading.

  14. TheOtherLisa  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:10 am

    Ken, I would totally have your baby. If not for being married. And you being married. And me being way past the age of child bearing. And having all organs even suspected of being reproduction related ripped from my innards. And not really knowing you on that personal a level.

    Screw it, can I Paypal you the price of a beer?

  15. Rich  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:12 am

    What, no mention that the bombing was faked and that is nothing more than a federal disaster response drill? C'mon, that one has legitimacy because it is the "brainchild" (in quotes to signify I am using the term extremely loosely and for lack of a better one) of a professor.

  16. En Passant  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:18 am

    The poet's name indeed will rhyme with "sun".
    Because his "o" was short, he spelt it "Donne".

    Moving right along to the main subject — Tsarnaev can beat the rap by signing the summons and complaint with the words "under protest and duress", then raising defenses under the Uniform Commercial Code. I know it's true. I read it somewhere on teh intarnet.

  17. Spodula  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:22 am

    I think you will find they probably think your not trying hard enough, after all any conspiracy worthy of name involves at least two of the Illuminati/The Vatican/Evil Space lizards/The Milk Marketing board

  18. MattS  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:26 am

    Ken,

    Why would you of all people spread CIA misinformation?

    All conspiracy theories are the work of CIA PSYOPS.

    If you are arguing about the conspiracy theories, you will miss the real truth.

    /tinfoil hat^2

  19. naught_for_naught  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:31 am

    @Squillo

    According to Modern Jackass, either Geoffrey Chaucer or Andrew Jackson, the similarities between the two rendering them nearly indistinguishable, was quoted as having sad, "It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word."

  20. Bob Relyea  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:37 am

    Ken,

    You are completely right about the Magna Carta and King John, but you missed the most damaging evidence. Why was King John king? Any why was he weak? Wasn't it because his bother, King Richard, was forced to tax England to go fight in the Crusades? And then he was captured during that campaign and had to be ransomed?

    Clearly the Crusades were a Muslim conspiracy to force Christian Europe to drain their resources.

    Now if we look close enough, I'm sure we can find the Muslim Conspiracy can be traced to before 600 A.D. Where is Dan Brown when we need him.

    bob

    bob

  21. naught_for_naught  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:38 am

    You were quite swift with that modest proposal, Ken.

    Here you go Greg. This is for you. Enjoy.

  22. Bob  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:48 am

    Hold on here. Aren't radical Islamists against depictions of Muhammad? So.. if the Supreme Court has a depiction of Muhammad, does this not prove that they are in fact NOT radical terrorists? In fact, isn't carrying a depiction of Muhammad one of the few reliable ways to PROVE without doubt that you are not a radical Islamic terrorist?

    I question the allegiance of anyone who doesn't prominently display a depiction of the prophet Muhammad. For example, I've never seen Obama with a picture of Muhammad. CLEAR UNDENIABLE PROOF that Obama is MUSLIM as long suspected.

  23. Joe Pullen  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:53 am

    Conspiracy theories – because being sure you're right is almost always more important than actually being right.

  24. Hasdrubal  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:56 am

    My people have no tradition of proofreading.

    This just in! Ken Popehat admits to being Muslim/Catholic/Zionist/Shinto/Communist/Libertarian and/or French! And "his people" (his words, not mine so it must be true folks!) have been actively working to subvert spelling in the English language!

    Expect Tsarnaev (probably not Czech, but don't be too sure) to use a spelling mistake on the government's (we like it right now, right, cause it's fighting trrsts and Bad People, not taking our hard earned taxes?) indictment to get off on a technicality. The indictment referred to an "allged" suspect and since there is no such word as "allged" it can't be in reference to him and furthermore since he's already made a court appearance he can't be retried so he's going to walk free! And probably get disability benefits since the (totes good guy) cops shot him in the throat meaning he will never be an opera singer!

  25. John Burgess  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:56 am

    Bob, Bob… don't you know that all Muslims practice taqqiya — known to us non-heathens as 'lying'? Jihad Watch tells me so. Relentlessly.

    Thus, the USSC only want you to think it's not extremist Muslim. QED

  26. Chris R.  •  Apr 30, 2013 @9:57 am

    You may all have your words band "knowledge" but they have MS Paint and images from reddit. Resistance is futile.

  27. Narad  •  Apr 30, 2013 @10:01 am

    That frees up more time for watching Swamp People and pro wrestling.

    If you would just stick to Alex Jones, you'd get the pro wrestling for free, as "correspondent" Dan Bidondi used to be "Bionic" Dan Bidondi. His girlish freakout about glyphosate also suggests an alliance with the swamps.

  28. Greg  •  Apr 30, 2013 @10:11 am

    @naught_for_naught: Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Please remember to tip your servers.

  29. Malc  •  Apr 30, 2013 @3:00 pm

    The Ustinov connection is worse than you think: we all agree that Ustinov is an uncommon name, and therefore people sharing the name must all be related. Now, not only was Dmitriy Ustinov the former Defense Minister of the USSR (and therefore, obviously, a commie-pinko hater of our freedoms, etc.), but also one Vladimir Ustimov is some kind of Russian politician/lawyer, who was awarded a medal for "strengthening the rule of law" in Dagestan, which is of course where the Tsarnaev family settled. Coincidence? Hardly!

  30. Sami  •  Apr 30, 2013 @3:20 pm

    See, you're being all sarcastic and clever, but don't you realise that in order to protect America's LIBERTY and the sacrosanct Second Amendment RIGHTS of the American people, all of this bull puckey about "due process" and "freedom of religion" HAS TO GO.

  31. Gary  •  Apr 30, 2013 @4:30 pm

    As you were typing this, did you have the shiny side out or in? We need to know, Ken! This is important!

  32. barry  •  Apr 30, 2013 @5:42 pm

    Cats don't like beards, and no cat has ever been implicated in a terrorist plot.
    And don't get me started on Peter Ustinov being an anagram of 'soviet punter' !

  33. jj  •  Apr 30, 2013 @5:50 pm

    My goodness, you need to warn me when you're that sarcastic, my sarcasm meter will require a rebuild.

    Now, I understand WHY, don't get me wrong there.

  34. AlphaCentauri  •  Apr 30, 2013 @5:59 pm

    You're not up to the conspiracy theorist standards if your theories aren't internally inconsistent. For instance, a guy who had both his legs blown off would bleed out so fast he couldn't survive, therefore the guy in the photo in the papers is really an Iraq veteran who got both his legs blown off. Or the fact that there were multiple conflicting rumors in the first few hours after the bombing proves that everyone involved was a co-conspirator and the whole fake story was planned out ahead of time. Or, all the people on the street were actors and they had to use secret head nods to coordinate their enactment of the "bombing" scenario so as to fool the other people on the street.

  35. MaskedWombat  •  Apr 30, 2013 @6:12 pm

    The most depressing thing about your satirical conspiracy theories are the easily obtainable examples where those rights have been withheld or obstructed:
    – public defenders who give inadequate-to-abominable service to their clients, only occasionally getting called on it
    – State Secrets objections to actually providing the evidence in so very many terrorism trials, denying meaningful discovery
    – Guantanamo detainees being held indefinitely; though you need not go even that far to find cases where trials and trial prep take longer than the sentence for the accused crime. ("sentenced to time served"…)

    … I think I'm going to pull the covers back over my head now.

  36. Jon  •  Apr 30, 2013 @7:32 pm

    Ahhh, that's why the muslims hate us so. It's not our freedoms, it's because we depicted Muhammad on a wall. Everyone knows that is against muslim law. We should destroy the likeness of Muhammad so that all can be well again and peace can reign over the earth.

    [\sarcasm]

  37. Anthelme  •  Apr 30, 2013 @11:13 pm

    Read the first link from the main page article, went of to some ultra conspiracy page which well, bollocks, scared the pants of me. People really think like that?

    The only way forward is education. LOTS OF IT!

    Keep up the good work!

  38. ناصر ساخر  •  Apr 30, 2013 @11:30 pm

    قد وجدَت أبحاث لفقتُها من أجل هذا التعليق أن صفحات الويب التي موجودة فيها كتابة عربية مخيفة هي مائتين وست وخمسين بالمئة أكثر عرضةً لاستثارة الاشتباه لمنظرين المؤامرات.

    فهذا مساهمتي الى جهدك النبيل. أهلاً وسهلاً.

  39. Anony Mouse  •  May 1, 2013 @12:46 am

    Serious, and honest, question here (sorry!).

    It's about the representation he's getting. While he most certainly has the Constitutional right to representation, isn't that generally just a public defender? Having the taxpayers pick up the tab for a high priced lawyer seems, well, a little weird. Not conspiracy weird, but a "why are we paying her salary?" weird. Is Ms. Clark working pro bono? For "scale"?

  40. Jack  •  May 1, 2013 @8:15 am

    This is absolutely awesome! However I fear that the sarcasm in this might be lost on many and this just might be turning up on the 9 o'clock news being cited by some "opinion person" on Fox, MSNBC or CNN (though in CNNs case they would have another "journalist" reporting the opposite of this – just in case…).

    I can see it now: "According to our exclusive source with ties to law enforcement and papal headgear, the Justice department is defending the actions of Tsarnaev and will fight the charges leveled against him. The FBI and other LE agencies are furious about this obvious support of terrorism by the Obama administration."

  41. Joe Pullen  •  May 1, 2013 @9:58 am

    Hey, just because someone visits the Middle East doesn't mean they’re not part of the Muslim Brotherhood. ;-)

  42. AlphaCentauri  •  May 1, 2013 @10:01 am

    @ناصر ساخر

    Баркалла!

  43. Steve Florman  •  May 1, 2013 @11:22 am

    I had a pointless Twitter exchange (my apologies for the redundancy) with a clueless Republican who insisted that the fact that the Tsarnaev brothers, or their mother, or their dog, or someone, was on welfare made their action – and I quote – "state-sponsored terrorism." The state, of course, being Massachusetts.

    OMFG. Will it never end?

  44. Jack  •  May 1, 2013 @12:15 pm

    @Steve Florman – Stop thinking in terms of Democrats and Republicans, but in terms of stupid….

    Republicans think government handouts are only acceptable if they are handed out to them, all other handouts are communist.

    Democrats think everyone and their mother should be able to have a good life if they don't/can't,/won't work.

    Republicans think they pay too much taxes, and anyone making less than them needs to pay more so everyone pays their fair share. Anyone making more than them is a job creator and need not pay taxes.

    Democrats think that everyone richer than them needs to be taxed more to make sure they pay their fair share and that anyone making less than them is being taxed into poverty.

    Basically, both parties are all about me, me, me with taxes and handouts and both sides are equally retarded in all things they say. The day they caught Tsarnaev, I couldn't watch the news coverage – hearing how liberal "journalists" blamed gun culture and conservative "journalists" blamed Islam itself for the bombing…

  45. ناصر ساخر  •  May 1, 2013 @3:48 pm

    @ Anony Mouse: Clarke is probably participating as a "contract attorney." Defendants get a public defender by default, but if the PD office can't handle the case for some reason (here, there could be a conflict of interest), it'll select a contract attorney (or multiple attorneys) from a list of lawyers who've agreed to work at the federally set hourly rate. For a capital case, it's $178/hr, which is a fraction of what someone like Clark would charge a private client. So Tsarnaev isn't getting any more taxpayer money than any other defendant's eligible for. Of course, very few defendants would have someone like Clarke jumping to get involved…

  46. Kat  •  May 1, 2013 @7:14 pm

    "I will honor the prophet Mohammed by sculpting him! (Even though your religion strictly forbids that.)"

    I giggled.

  47. En Passant  •  May 2, 2013 @9:09 am

    ناصر ساخر wrote Apr 30, 2013 @11:30 pm:

    فهذا مساهمتي الى جهدك النبيل. أهلاً وسهلاً.

    В советское Popehat, благородные усилия способствуют Вас!

  48. Anony Mouse  •  May 3, 2013 @10:28 pm

    Ah. So she's essentially working for scale. Thanks for the clarification.

  49. Arthur Dent  •  May 4, 2013 @8:02 pm

    The conspiracy theories cooked up by these right-wingers is all part of a conspiracy to do away with miranda rights.

    Their conspiracy theories are a smokescreen to discredit all conspiracy theories, especially those surrounding newtown.

    Most of the "errors" made by news broadcasters in the early hours of the boston bombing were to discredit conspiracy theories relating to early reporting inconsistencies surrounding Newtown.

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