Today In The Ministry's Pneumatic Tube

Culture, Politics & Current Events

multiple print/radio/visual/digital sources 4/13 malreported ricin postal attack rectify

references perpetrator malidentified malreported rectify

malreporting "Paul Kevin Curtis" remove all references nonperson

replace correctreport "Everett Dutschke" alwaystrue rewrite

goodreport emphasize "martial arts instructor" eliminate malreport nonemphasize "Elvis impersonator"

federal law enforcement goodquote newreport emphasize words "discover" "investigation" "uncover" "reveal" "determine" "analysis" "dogged" "intensive"

doubleplusungood malreport avoid words "blunder" "mistaken" "innocent" "frame" "incorrect" "incompetent" "polyestered over-armed fuckwits" "put the 'special' in 'special agent'" "indifferent thugs"

media subsidiaries/partners emphasize goodquote "exclusive" "determined" "discovered" "revealed" "explain" "report to you"

doubleplusungood malreport avoid words "gullible" "credulous" "vapid" "coke-snorting upjumped typists" "amoral bootlicking sternographers" "jaded badgehumpers"

rectify correctreport "Everett Dutschke" has always been perpetrator "Paul Kevin Curtis" nonperson has never been perpetrator

INSTRUCTIONS END

Last 5 posts by Ken White

34 Comments

33 Comments

  1. Alan Bleiweiss  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:12 am

    polyestered over-armed fuckwits

    You attorneys sure to have a unique lexicon :-)

  2. Jack  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:16 am

    Fantastic allusion.

    ("sternographers" is doubleplusungood, though. correctspelling "stenographers" revise edit note.)

  3. AlphaCentauri  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:21 am

    "amoral bootlicking sternographers" might be more accurate from the point of view of the guy getting butt-fucked.

  4. trevalyan  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:29 am

    Ken, considering every jackass between here and the 30 rock couldn't identify one concept of 1984 besides Big Brother, I tip my hat to you.

    Of course, real Newspeak wouldn't have "federal law enforcement" because "police" just about covers it and they don't respect divisions of power (like our government), but there is such a thing as being too pedantic.

  5. Josh C  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:31 am

    Real newspeak in that setting wouldn't, but we don't live in that setting yet. Newspeak has always been this way.

  6. CMTinPHX (@CMTinPHX)  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:46 am

    Doubleplus ungood.

  7. kps  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:47 am

    Sternography is for flaming letters.

  8. VPJ  •  Apr 27, 2013 @10:01 am

    Winston

    Forgot to insert that Everett Dutschke is stooge of Emmanuel Goldstein

  9. Jack  •  Apr 27, 2013 @10:03 am

    @Josh C:
    Newspeak has always been this way.

    I see what you did there.

  10. Ken White  •  Apr 27, 2013 @10:15 am

    Someone wrote, very concerned, to tell us the website had been hacked, because this post doesn't make any sense.

  11. Dan  •  Apr 27, 2013 @10:39 am

    Is there a pulitzer for blogs? If so, do they award it for snark?

    My vote is in

  12. Rob  •  Apr 27, 2013 @10:49 am

    Someone wrote, very concerned, to tell us the website had been hacked, because this post doesn't make any sense.

    ..

    made me lol irl.

  13. AlphaCentauri  •  Apr 27, 2013 @11:01 am

    How weird would a hacker's post have to be for us to be sure Patrick hadn't written it?

  14. En Passant  •  Apr 27, 2013 @11:14 am

    kps wrote Apr 27, 2013 @9:47 am:

    Sternography is for flaming letters.

    Or prolefeed by minitrue writer after whiskeyrat used up. Common ungood malreport is that versificator is mechanical turk manned by sternographers.

  15. Bill  •  Apr 27, 2013 @11:42 am

    ThePhuq???

    I got it the 3rd time I read it , and then thought it was pretty brilliant – but the first time through – I was seriously wondering if Ken didn't have another late night with a bag of Doritos (or whatever happened the night the name of Popehat was determined)

  16. MattS  •  Apr 27, 2013 @12:03 pm

    "coke-snorting upjumped typists"

    Coke-snorting is obvious, but WTF is a unjumped typist?

  17. En Passant  •  Apr 27, 2013 @12:21 pm

    MattS wr0te Apr 27, 2013 @12:03 pm:

    Coke-snorting is obvious, but WTF is a unjumped typist?

    Typist didn't attend Youth League early education for typists: No shark left unjumped.

  18. Shawn Young  •  Apr 27, 2013 @1:00 pm

    How can we be happy if we don't believe everything the government tells us?

  19. Matt Smith  •  Apr 27, 2013 @1:19 pm

    Acquire report acquiesce Ken White aka Popehat immediate to Room 101.

  20. eddie  •  Apr 27, 2013 @1:59 pm

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/23/us/ricin-suspect-released/index.html

    Curtis said it was an eye-opener for him. "I think now, how many people are thrown in jail because of circumstantial evidence and someone can frame you that easily," he said.

    Liberty gains another convert, this time from among the ranks of the professional entertainers. Victory!

  21. Clark  •  Apr 27, 2013 @2:16 pm

    Doubleplusgood bellyfeel. So happy the humor ration has been increased again today; all praise Big Ken! Eternal joycamp for the unamused and other Goldstein-loving humor haters.

  22. Graham  •  Apr 27, 2013 @2:29 pm

    Reporting for the daily two minute hate.

  23. Rob  •  Apr 27, 2013 @3:28 pm

    Someone wrote, very concerned, to tell us the website had been hacked, because this post doesn't make any sense.

    At first glance, it does kind of look like something you'd get in a spam email.

  24. Dave Crisp  •  Apr 27, 2013 @3:37 pm

    … how long have we been at war with Eastasia, again?

  25. jimmythefly  •  Apr 27, 2013 @4:25 pm

    LOL,

    For a minute I thought you were channeling Carcoat Damphands (used-car expert at SniffPetrol).

  26. Paige (@Undertheradar76)  •  Apr 27, 2013 @5:03 pm

    Is it sad that I read it and first thought, without much surprise, "Gee, some censorious asshat has threatened Ken in a very 1984-ish manner." I mean, I am a little drunk right now; but still…

  27. Jack  •  Apr 27, 2013 @5:25 pm

    @kps
    Sternography is for flaming letters.

    A+ comment!

  28. David  •  Apr 27, 2013 @5:30 pm

    It's good to see that the legacy of Charlotte Brontë lives on.

  29. Lee  •  Apr 27, 2013 @6:28 pm

    Funny, took a few to figure out why it seemed familiar then just laughed. A hack, sadly, would need far more random capitalization of mainly single syllable words.

  30. Barry  •  Apr 27, 2013 @7:11 pm

    non-suspect better news than no suspect.

  31. Shane  •  Apr 27, 2013 @9:57 pm

    And slowly he rolled up the evidence that the FBI was wrong and was his custom dropped the offending piece of paper into the memory hole.

  32. wgering  •  Apr 29, 2013 @10:27 pm

    polyestered over-armed fuckwits

    Teehee. I'm buying you a coral paperweight for that one.

  33. Bolognesus  •  May 15, 2013 @6:14 pm

    "put the 'special' in 'special agent'"
    Nice.

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