The Road to Popehat

Effluvia

One of my favorite features at this blog is Ken's "The Road to Popehat".

While playing around in the admin pages I looked at yesterday's search terms and decided that I should take a stab at it. Ken isn't an IP attorney, so stealing his licks should be safe, right?

Right?

quote you fuck with us we close down the city and find you boston terrorist – I'm tempted to say that someone overheard Rahm Emmanuel talking to his dry cleaner about a mustard stain, but the reference to Boston leaves me a little unsure.

pirate resignation letter – I can't find the document you're referring to, but based on my experience in such things, I'm sure it starts with "Arrr!" and degenerates into a list of complaints about too little rum and too much sodomy.

sex college – given the higher education implosion, I have to give a nod of appreciation to whoever came up the idea of boiling a B.A. degree down to the essentials.

dr steven kirschner tattoo – I expect that in a few days when this visitor sobers up we'll see another search, this time for "dr steven kirschner tattoo removal".

why dos a nabeor keep throwing rocks and making sounds wither ph to heras me becuse i dont want anything to do with her – we don't know, but based on the facts you present, we don't want anything to do with her either.

popehat origin – it involves a family sized bag of Doritos, electricity, and a late night dare. Beyond that, I've been sworn to secrecy.

cure for chewing on fingers – your own or someone else's?

how to dislodge a hotdog – usually I just slap Ken hard on the back and warn him that one at a time is safer.

angry dick – You're not the first one to end up on the 'Clark' author page this way.

pointless carry on story to annoy of failure – you really like that 'Clark' page, don't you?

lesbian wear in grope suit been punish – of course she has; the Guild of Lesbians has a very strict dress code.

what will happen if i don't respond to a lawyer's letter – the whole issue will go away. Trust me. On the other hand, I'm the one non-lawyer here at Popehat.

shooting joe pullen in the face with a badger launchers – I don't even know who Joe Pullen is, and I already love this search.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to go offline, draw the shades, and peek out so that I see Angry Ken coming for me.

Last 5 posts by Clark

65 Comments

65 Comments

  1. Unity  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:01 am

    I want a badger launcher soooo badly!

  2. Dan  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:10 am

    Clark FTW. Nice job.

  3. jimmythefly  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:30 am

    I wonder if it is badger-specific, or if there are adapters available for racoons, possums, gophers, rock chucks, mountain beaver, etc?

    I can imagine situations where launching a cluster of pika would be more advantageous than a single badger, for example.

  4. Diane  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:34 am

    Ditto on the badger launcher!

  5. BaronLurk  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:36 am

    Badgers are so last decade. Give us porcupines!

  6. Lucy  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:40 am

    Does one need a permit or license to own a badger launchers? If so, where do we stand on ammunition?

  7. RLMullen  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:41 am

    Clark…

    Ask Ken or Patrick about the pirate resignation letter. Either of them will be able to direct you to its source.

    I plan to use said letter one day, but today isn't that day.

  8. Jonathan Gladstone  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:41 am

    I'm in too. Who wouldn't love a badger launcher? But wait! If you successfully fire on someone who's testifying, are you badgering the witness?

  9. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @10:44 am

    Lucy,

    If you have a badger launcher, I would strongly recommend against standing on the ammunition. Badgers can be absolutely vicious when annoyed.

    :-D

  10. Roscoe  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:03 am

    What the hell is a grope suit? I guess I could try to Google it, but apparently that just gets me back here.

  11. David  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:11 am

    On the other hand, I'm the one non-lawyer here at Popehat.

    Point of order: neither Grandy nor I bear the marks of attorneydom. Derrick is possibly also a non-lawyer. In fact, y'all lawyers are outnumbered!

    Better watch your six, mouthpieces.

  12. Linus  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:31 am

    Badger Launchers would be a good name for a band.

  13. Michael K.  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:33 am

    Launch a badger; win a pony.

  14. Kevin  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:48 am

    I wonder if it is badger-specific, or if there are adapters available for racoons, possums, gophers, rock chucks, mountain beaver, etc?

    Yes, adapters are available, but if you have more than one on at a time, it qualifies as an "assault badger launcher".

  15. mcinsand  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:48 am

    Which is more aerodynamic, a badger or a porcupine?

  16. Rachel  •  Apr 24, 2013 @11:51 am

    Isn't Sex College where you go to qualify to be a Chief Pornographic Identification Officer?

    Though there was definitely a period when I was a kid where it seemed like there an actual program at some public universities in FL titled Sex- something about 'sociology' allegedly. sure it was…

  17. JP  •  Apr 24, 2013 @12:02 pm

    This 2010 Youtube video appears to offer the only accessible footage of a fully armed and operational badger launcher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZc9ADBj3es .

  18. Shane  •  Apr 24, 2013 @12:05 pm

    What if it is a honey badger launcher? Will we care?

  19. orvis barfley  •  Apr 24, 2013 @12:17 pm

    one word in this grim discussion and i'm out of here.

    i have a friend who has a launcher, and he says don't even CONSIDER getting one without looking into the cost of reloading equipment.  with the popularity of launchers right now, the price of fresh badger has gone through the roof, and at some point you'll simply have to load your own.  besides he says you can play with the loading and get some pretty spectacular results.

    one and done and gone.

  20. z!  •  Apr 24, 2013 @12:17 pm

    mcinsand- does it matter?

    I wonder if the badger launcher could be adapted for hedgehog cluster-bombs.

  21. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @12:45 pm

    z!,

    Forget hedgehog cluster-bombs, go straight for shock and awe.

    Porcupine Launcher!

  22. En Passant  •  Apr 24, 2013 @1:03 pm

    In Soviet Popehat sex college finger chewing rock throwing hotdog tattoo pirate badger in lesbian grope suit launch you!

  23. Clark  •  Apr 24, 2013 @1:18 pm

    @Dan:

    Clark FTW. Nice job.

    Thanks!

  24. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @1:32 pm

    En Passant

    Attempt at /. running joke: -5 Epic Fail.

  25. JR  •  Apr 24, 2013 @1:43 pm

    I seem to recall a hedgehog launcher simulator over on armorgames for those who want to try before they buy.

  26. corporal lint  •  Apr 24, 2013 @1:43 pm

    In Soviet Russia they used to launch Badgers.

  27. Will Nobilis  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:15 pm

    RLMullen and Clark –

  28. Will Nobilis  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:15 pm
  29. Stephen Hutcheson  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:25 pm

    >>Badgers are so last decade. Give us porcupines!

    Porcupines are so … ostentatious. I want peccaries. See, you fire a peccary sow and her litter at a smart-aleck surf-bunny lawyer–and that's one SASBL who won't EVER again wonder about why some rednecks prefer automatic weapons on their nature walks.

  30. Lucy  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:26 pm

    Ok. I have to out myself here. I can't find a "Clark page". Is there a "Meet the bloggers" type page I am missing? Is this "Clark page" the one that happens when you click on "Clark" on the list of Popehat bloggers under the comments, that takes you to Clark's posts? If there is no such place, maybe there could be one with introductions to the bloggers. For fun, maybe they could be written by your fellow bloggers.

    What kind of Dr. puts temporary tattoos on anesthetized patients?

    I am annoyed at how many questions I have by this post.

  31. Clark  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:28 pm

    Ok. I have to out myself here. I can't find a "Clark page". Is there a "Meet the bloggers" type page I am missing?

    No, but perhaps there should be one; when I stop in at a new blog I usually go to the "about me" page to see who's behind it. I'll see if Ken and others like the idea.

  32. Delvan Neville  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:31 pm

    While I realize this is not a fair test, due to the way Google alters its results to fit the user, but the first four results for that badger line are all Popehat for me.

    The following results are then similar searches omitting some words. One of those 6 remaining on the first page is Popehat again.

    One of the best things about these Road to Popehat-style articles is that they also firmly lodge Popehat even higher up on the search results for those terms. Lets all get a matching dr steven kirschner tattoo!

  33. Lucy  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:47 pm

    Thanks Clark!

  34. Ms. Cats Meow  •  Apr 24, 2013 @2:47 pm

    hell yeah to the Badger Luancher. And for all-out assault – Wolverine Trebuchet*.

    *Spell Check does not recognize trebuchet and has offered up Bucharest instead. Wolverine Bucharest sounds like some kind of spy code name or possibly some knock-off anti-superhero.

  35. EricE  •  Apr 24, 2013 @3:01 pm

    @Delvan – try searching unfiltered with duckduckgo.com …

  36. Blair  •  Apr 24, 2013 @3:10 pm

    There has already been intensive research into developing a hedgehog launcher…
    http://www.kongregate.com/games/armorgames/hedgehog-launch

  37. Unity  •  Apr 24, 2013 @3:10 pm

    I wonder if anyone's ever been arrested for assault with a badger?

    There was a guy a while back who tried to rob a bank with a snapping turtle…

  38. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @3:18 pm

    Unity,

    An assault alligator would be a better choice for robbing a bank. :)

  39. Billy Quizboy  •  Apr 24, 2013 @3:32 pm

    Every Road to Popehat post I spend 10 minutes trying to be the next featured search but none of the crazy shit I type in leads here. It's maddening.

  40. Nobody  •  Apr 24, 2013 @3:41 pm

    Be grateful it wasn't a honey badger launcher.

  41. AlphaCentauri  •  Apr 24, 2013 @4:37 pm

    Someone's missing out on a great opportunity! There's not a single app on the iPhone store that comes up on a search for "badger launcher."

  42. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @5:20 pm

    Ms. Cats Meow,

    "And for all-out assault – Wolverine Trebuchet*."

    Why stop with wolverines? Trebuchets are capable of tossing massive objects. If we are going to do trebuchets, I vote for using Polar Bears.

  43. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @5:22 pm

    AlphaCentauri,

    Try hedgehogs.

  44. Ollie  •  Apr 24, 2013 @5:27 pm

    @MattS
    Haven't you seen The Oatmeal? http://theoatmeal.com/comics/polar_bear

    Using polar bears as ammunition is a waste. Polar bears are meant to be used as assault vehicles, not trebuchet projectiles. You could use polar bears to move the trebuchet, or better yet mount a polar bear with a badger launcher and ride it around. That would be some serious cavalry.

  45. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @5:38 pm

    Ollie,

    Put a parachute and a rider on the polar bear then toss it with the trebuchet. Cavalry behind enemy lines.

  46. Merissa  •  Apr 24, 2013 @5:51 pm

    *waits patiently for Joe Pullen to chime in*

  47. Lucy  •  Apr 24, 2013 @6:11 pm

    Back in the '90s I played a kitten toss sort of thing on the early big internet. The felines yelp-meowed with every toss. Versions of it might still be found if PETA hasn't gotten to it. There was kitty splatter on impact.

  48. ChrisTS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @6:16 pm

    Given that badgers, racoons, and porcupines can all be difficult to catch and very risky to handle during loading, we recommend the Easy Tail Release Possum Launcher(TM) for all your mammal launching needs.

  49. James Pollock  •  Apr 24, 2013 @6:30 pm

    Please keep in mind that if your Badger Launcher uses a large enough rocket, it be classified as a Weapon on Mass Destruction if misused. Govern yourselves accordingly.

  50. Clark  •  Apr 24, 2013 @6:32 pm

    @Merissa:

    *waits patiently for Joe Pullen to chime in*

    Might be a while.

  51. James Pollock  •  Apr 24, 2013 @6:32 pm

    D'oh! "of", not "on". I can't even blame autocorrect because I just typed it wrong.

  52. MattS  •  Apr 24, 2013 @7:18 pm

    James Pollock,

    No worries there, the Badger Launcher 9000 ™ is pneumatic. It uses a scaled up version of the Air Soft system.

  53. Merissa  •  Apr 24, 2013 @7:55 pm

    Hrr. I meant the zombie one who comments here, of course.

  54. Ollie  •  Apr 24, 2013 @7:59 pm

    @Lucy

    Is this what you are talking about? I love this game.
    http://gprime.net/game.php/kittencannon

  55. AlphaCentauri  •  Apr 24, 2013 @9:41 pm
  56. James Pollock  •  Apr 24, 2013 @9:41 pm

    "the Badger Launcher 9000 ™ is pneumatic."
    Ah. Carry on, then.
    Accord yourself governingly.

  57. Trebuchet  •  Apr 24, 2013 @9:45 pm

    Spell Check does not recognize trebuchet and has offered up Bucharest instead.

    I scoff at spellcheck! Which also doesn't recognize "spellcheck".

    If I must hurl mammals, I would prefer raccoons. I hate those things. Spellcheck doesn't like them either.

  58. joe pullen  •  Apr 25, 2013 @6:10 am

    OMG I am now officially internet famous. But I can't thinks of a single reason why someone would want to launch a badger at my face. I can however think of several.

  59. joe pullen  •  Apr 25, 2013 @6:38 am

    @Merissa @Clark. Sorry I couldn’t respond earlier I have been busy at my new venture. As you already know, hundreds of people who turned into zombies have found themselves jobless and on the streets.

    I had the foresight to start a company to find jobs for these unfortunate soulless individuals. My company, Everlasting Temp Solutions, LLC, has been placing zombies in working environments since 2009. You’ve probably run into one of them at one point in your career.

    I started the agency because let’s face it, I’m a capitalist. There was no money in sport hunting zombies, and it was messy. There had to be a way to recycle them, to make them useful to society.

    My agency actively seeks out zombies for placement in the following industries:

    – Big-box store greeters and cart handlers
    – Crash test dummies
    – Meth lab cleanup
    – Porn Troll Copyright Law Offices

    These are the jobs that have the highest need for a zombie temp. The majority of alive humans don’t want to do these jobs, since they’re high-risk and low pay. Also, zombies don’t need medical insurance or workers’ comp, and they don’t mind if you forge their names ono legal documents – they’re already dead.

    And, since the zombie dead are gonna live forever unless a forklift crushes their head or a meth lab blows up, or they get thrown under the bus by their law firm, we just provide the company with another.

    Really, they’re the most ideal candidates. They don’t require breaks, so there’s no problem with productivity. There’s no question of compliance with ADA regulations because they can work in unsavory conditions without complaint. And you don’t see them filing stolen identity lawsuits because they just don’t care. They’re dead.

    Recruiting zombies can be a challenge because obviously, they’re not updating their LinkedIn profiles or resumes. So we operate on referrals, and we also have a guerrilla recruiting team that has been calling on copyright troll lawyers looking for these individuals. It is a challenge, but by now our brand has gotten enough recognition that word is out. I’m planning to expand operations to more fully market our zombie temps to the copyright troll legal profession. That way when they need to throw someone under the bus, they’ll have plenty of willing candidates.

  60. Merissa  •  Apr 25, 2013 @6:46 am

    Congress too, amirite? I'm sure there's enough rule 34 for even zombies to put themselves through law school the traditional way.

  61. Delvan  •  Apr 25, 2013 @5:56 pm

    I think you're missing a key demographic with which you could leverage synergies. There are war-torn nations around the world looking for top-notch guerilla recruiters.

  62. efemmeral  •  Apr 26, 2013 @8:20 pm

    It's better not to know what a grope suit is. If, however, you google the term "grope suit" (rather than grope suit) and watch the first video you'll be as regretful as I was.

  63. Clark  •  Apr 26, 2013 @8:25 pm

    watch the first video you'll be as regretful as I was.

    Yep.

  64. princessartemis  •  Apr 26, 2013 @8:53 pm

    Google and the Internet at large has traumatized me enough to heed those warnings with not even the slightest hint of curiousity troubling me. I will sleep soundly tonight in my ignorance.

  65. roadgeek  •  Apr 28, 2013 @4:03 pm

    I actually had Dr. Kirschner for a chemistry class at Austin Community College. An outstanding instructor. His classes were truly entertaining. He would interrupt a lecture to take phone calls from his daughter. Truly one of the finest teachers I've had in decades of classroom time.

    If he said he had a tattoo, however, I'd be inclined to take that with a grain of salt.