The Road to Popehat

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Clark

Clark is an anarchocapitalist, a reader, and a man of mystery. He's not a neoreactionary, but he is Nrx-curious 'til graduation. All he wants for Christmas is for everyone involved in the police state to get a fair trial and a free hanging. Follow him at @clarkhat

65 Responses

  1. Unity says:

    I want a badger launcher soooo badly!

  2. Dan says:

    Clark FTW. Nice job.

  3. jimmythefly says:

    I wonder if it is badger-specific, or if there are adapters available for racoons, possums, gophers, rock chucks, mountain beaver, etc?

    I can imagine situations where launching a cluster of pika would be more advantageous than a single badger, for example.

  4. Diane says:

    Ditto on the badger launcher!

  5. BaronLurk says:

    Badgers are so last decade. Give us porcupines!

  6. Lucy says:

    Does one need a permit or license to own a badger launchers? If so, where do we stand on ammunition?

  7. RLMullen says:

    Clark…

    Ask Ken or Patrick about the pirate resignation letter. Either of them will be able to direct you to its source.

    I plan to use said letter one day, but today isn't that day.

  8. I'm in too. Who wouldn't love a badger launcher? But wait! If you successfully fire on someone who's testifying, are you badgering the witness?

  9. MattS says:

    Lucy,

    If you have a badger launcher, I would strongly recommend against standing on the ammunition. Badgers can be absolutely vicious when annoyed.

    :-D

  10. Roscoe says:

    What the hell is a grope suit? I guess I could try to Google it, but apparently that just gets me back here.

  11. David says:

    On the other hand, I'm the one non-lawyer here at Popehat.

    Point of order: neither Grandy nor I bear the marks of attorneydom. Derrick is possibly also a non-lawyer. In fact, y'all lawyers are outnumbered!

    Better watch your six, mouthpieces.

  12. Linus says:

    Badger Launchers would be a good name for a band.

  13. Michael K. says:

    Launch a badger; win a pony.

  14. Kevin says:

    I wonder if it is badger-specific, or if there are adapters available for racoons, possums, gophers, rock chucks, mountain beaver, etc?

    Yes, adapters are available, but if you have more than one on at a time, it qualifies as an "assault badger launcher".

  15. mcinsand says:

    Which is more aerodynamic, a badger or a porcupine?

  16. Rachel says:

    Isn't Sex College where you go to qualify to be a Chief Pornographic Identification Officer?

    Though there was definitely a period when I was a kid where it seemed like there an actual program at some public universities in FL titled Sex- something about 'sociology' allegedly. sure it was…

  17. JP says:

    This 2010 Youtube video appears to offer the only accessible footage of a fully armed and operational badger launcher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZc9ADBj3es .

  18. Shane says:

    What if it is a honey badger launcher? Will we care?

  19. orvis barfley says:

    one word in this grim discussion and i'm out of here.

    i have a friend who has a launcher, and he says don't even CONSIDER getting one without looking into the cost of reloading equipment.  with the popularity of launchers right now, the price of fresh badger has gone through the roof, and at some point you'll simply have to load your own.  besides he says you can play with the loading and get some pretty spectacular results.

    one and done and gone.

  20. z! says:

    mcinsand- does it matter?

    I wonder if the badger launcher could be adapted for hedgehog cluster-bombs.

  21. MattS says:

    z!,

    Forget hedgehog cluster-bombs, go straight for shock and awe.

    Porcupine Launcher!

  22. En Passant says:

    In Soviet Popehat sex college finger chewing rock throwing hotdog tattoo pirate badger in lesbian grope suit launch you!

  23. Clark says:

    @Dan:

    Clark FTW. Nice job.

    Thanks!

  24. MattS says:

    En Passant

    Attempt at /. running joke: -5 Epic Fail.

  25. JR says:

    I seem to recall a hedgehog launcher simulator over on armorgames for those who want to try before they buy.

  26. corporal lint says:

    In Soviet Russia they used to launch Badgers.

  27. Will Nobilis says:

    RLMullen and Clark –

  28. >>Badgers are so last decade. Give us porcupines!

    Porcupines are so … ostentatious. I want peccaries. See, you fire a peccary sow and her litter at a smart-aleck surf-bunny lawyer–and that's one SASBL who won't EVER again wonder about why some rednecks prefer automatic weapons on their nature walks.

  29. Lucy says:

    Ok. I have to out myself here. I can't find a "Clark page". Is there a "Meet the bloggers" type page I am missing? Is this "Clark page" the one that happens when you click on "Clark" on the list of Popehat bloggers under the comments, that takes you to Clark's posts? If there is no such place, maybe there could be one with introductions to the bloggers. For fun, maybe they could be written by your fellow bloggers.

    What kind of Dr. puts temporary tattoos on anesthetized patients?

    I am annoyed at how many questions I have by this post.

  30. Clark says:

    Ok. I have to out myself here. I can't find a "Clark page". Is there a "Meet the bloggers" type page I am missing?

    No, but perhaps there should be one; when I stop in at a new blog I usually go to the "about me" page to see who's behind it. I'll see if Ken and others like the idea.

  31. Delvan Neville says:

    While I realize this is not a fair test, due to the way Google alters its results to fit the user, but the first four results for that badger line are all Popehat for me.

    The following results are then similar searches omitting some words. One of those 6 remaining on the first page is Popehat again.

    One of the best things about these Road to Popehat-style articles is that they also firmly lodge Popehat even higher up on the search results for those terms. Lets all get a matching dr steven kirschner tattoo!

  32. Lucy says:

    Thanks Clark!

  33. Ms. Cats Meow says:

    hell yeah to the Badger Luancher. And for all-out assault – Wolverine Trebuchet*.

    *Spell Check does not recognize trebuchet and has offered up Bucharest instead. Wolverine Bucharest sounds like some kind of spy code name or possibly some knock-off anti-superhero.

  34. EricE says:

    @Delvan – try searching unfiltered with duckduckgo.com …

  35. Blair says:

    There has already been intensive research into developing a hedgehog launcher…
    http://www.kongregate.com/games/armorgames/hedgehog-launch

  36. Unity says:

    I wonder if anyone's ever been arrested for assault with a badger?

    There was a guy a while back who tried to rob a bank with a snapping turtle…

  37. MattS says:

    Unity,

    An assault alligator would be a better choice for robbing a bank. :)

  38. Billy Quizboy says:

    Every Road to Popehat post I spend 10 minutes trying to be the next featured search but none of the crazy shit I type in leads here. It's maddening.

  39. Nobody says:

    Be grateful it wasn't a honey badger launcher.

  40. AlphaCentauri says:

    Someone's missing out on a great opportunity! There's not a single app on the iPhone store that comes up on a search for "badger launcher."

  41. MattS says:

    Ms. Cats Meow,

    "And for all-out assault – Wolverine Trebuchet*."

    Why stop with wolverines? Trebuchets are capable of tossing massive objects. If we are going to do trebuchets, I vote for using Polar Bears.

  42. MattS says:

    AlphaCentauri,

    Try hedgehogs.

  43. Ollie says:

    @MattS
    Haven't you seen The Oatmeal? http://theoatmeal.com/comics/polar_bear

    Using polar bears as ammunition is a waste. Polar bears are meant to be used as assault vehicles, not trebuchet projectiles. You could use polar bears to move the trebuchet, or better yet mount a polar bear with a badger launcher and ride it around. That would be some serious cavalry.

  44. MattS says:

    Ollie,

    Put a parachute and a rider on the polar bear then toss it with the trebuchet. Cavalry behind enemy lines.

  45. Merissa says:

    *waits patiently for Joe Pullen to chime in*

  46. Lucy says:

    Back in the '90s I played a kitten toss sort of thing on the early big internet. The felines yelp-meowed with every toss. Versions of it might still be found if PETA hasn't gotten to it. There was kitty splatter on impact.

  47. ChrisTS says:

    Given that badgers, racoons, and porcupines can all be difficult to catch and very risky to handle during loading, we recommend the Easy Tail Release Possum Launcher(TM) for all your mammal launching needs.

  48. James Pollock says:

    Please keep in mind that if your Badger Launcher uses a large enough rocket, it be classified as a Weapon on Mass Destruction if misused. Govern yourselves accordingly.

  49. Clark says:

    @Merissa:

    *waits patiently for Joe Pullen to chime in*

    Might be a while.

  50. James Pollock says:

    D'oh! "of", not "on". I can't even blame autocorrect because I just typed it wrong.

  51. MattS says:

    James Pollock,

    No worries there, the Badger Launcher 9000 ™ is pneumatic. It uses a scaled up version of the Air Soft system.

  52. Merissa says:

    Hrr. I meant the zombie one who comments here, of course.

  53. Ollie says:

    @Lucy

    Is this what you are talking about? I love this game.
    http://gprime.net/game.php/kittencannon

  54. James Pollock says:

    "the Badger Launcher 9000 ™ is pneumatic."
    Ah. Carry on, then.
    Accord yourself governingly.

  55. Trebuchet says:

    Spell Check does not recognize trebuchet and has offered up Bucharest instead.

    I scoff at spellcheck! Which also doesn't recognize "spellcheck".

    If I must hurl mammals, I would prefer raccoons. I hate those things. Spellcheck doesn't like them either.

  56. joe pullen says:

    OMG I am now officially internet famous. But I can't thinks of a single reason why someone would want to launch a badger at my face. I can however think of several.

  57. joe pullen says:

    @Merissa @Clark. Sorry I couldn’t respond earlier I have been busy at my new venture. As you already know, hundreds of people who turned into zombies have found themselves jobless and on the streets.

    I had the foresight to start a company to find jobs for these unfortunate soulless individuals. My company, Everlasting Temp Solutions, LLC, has been placing zombies in working environments since 2009. You’ve probably run into one of them at one point in your career.

    I started the agency because let’s face it, I’m a capitalist. There was no money in sport hunting zombies, and it was messy. There had to be a way to recycle them, to make them useful to society.

    My agency actively seeks out zombies for placement in the following industries:

    – Big-box store greeters and cart handlers
    – Crash test dummies
    – Meth lab cleanup
    – Porn Troll Copyright Law Offices

    These are the jobs that have the highest need for a zombie temp. The majority of alive humans don’t want to do these jobs, since they’re high-risk and low pay. Also, zombies don’t need medical insurance or workers’ comp, and they don’t mind if you forge their names ono legal documents – they’re already dead.

    And, since the zombie dead are gonna live forever unless a forklift crushes their head or a meth lab blows up, or they get thrown under the bus by their law firm, we just provide the company with another.

    Really, they’re the most ideal candidates. They don’t require breaks, so there’s no problem with productivity. There’s no question of compliance with ADA regulations because they can work in unsavory conditions without complaint. And you don’t see them filing stolen identity lawsuits because they just don’t care. They’re dead.

    Recruiting zombies can be a challenge because obviously, they’re not updating their LinkedIn profiles or resumes. So we operate on referrals, and we also have a guerrilla recruiting team that has been calling on copyright troll lawyers looking for these individuals. It is a challenge, but by now our brand has gotten enough recognition that word is out. I’m planning to expand operations to more fully market our zombie temps to the copyright troll legal profession. That way when they need to throw someone under the bus, they’ll have plenty of willing candidates.

  58. Merissa says:

    Congress too, amirite? I'm sure there's enough rule 34 for even zombies to put themselves through law school the traditional way.

  59. Delvan says:

    I think you're missing a key demographic with which you could leverage synergies. There are war-torn nations around the world looking for top-notch guerilla recruiters.

  60. efemmeral says:

    It's better not to know what a grope suit is. If, however, you google the term "grope suit" (rather than grope suit) and watch the first video you'll be as regretful as I was.

  61. Clark says:

    watch the first video you'll be as regretful as I was.

    Yep.

  62. princessartemis says:

    Google and the Internet at large has traumatized me enough to heed those warnings with not even the slightest hint of curiousity troubling me. I will sleep soundly tonight in my ignorance.

  63. roadgeek says:

    I actually had Dr. Kirschner for a chemistry class at Austin Community College. An outstanding instructor. His classes were truly entertaining. He would interrupt a lecture to take phone calls from his daughter. Truly one of the finest teachers I've had in decades of classroom time.

    If he said he had a tattoo, however, I'd be inclined to take that with a grain of salt.