THINGS ARE GOING TO START HAPPENING TO ME NOW . . . .

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50 Responses

  1. Kilroy says:

    I have not received any of these since I bought this spam repellent rock. If you have any interest in purchasing a spam repellent rock, please contact me by email for special offer.

  2. John Beaty says:

    "Would you want one handling your case?"

    Only if I was tragically imbecilic.

  3. David says:

    What on Earth is "hair-in-a-can"? I suppose I should Google it, but I'm afraid to (see "Welcome to an Internet Without Privacy", posted earlier herein).

  4. John Ammon says:

    Wait, wait, wait, wait…. 75 hotel rooms… 75?

    75 rooms where someone might, in a drunken stupor pick up the magazine and use it for TP because they ran out?

    Not enough! Ken must have the potential for his face to be wiped on at least 100 strangers asses… no deal.

    I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!

  5. Dave Crisp says:

    "This is the BBC. After the news there will be a talk on early Christian plastic knees, followed by the first BBC broadcast of a piece of knotted string. If you would like a piece of knotted string, just send three rustproof shillings to 'Honest Wal' Greenslade of Weybridge. Ta."

    (can't imagine why this made me think of that)

  6. Chris says:

    I don't know why you're mocking this. It doesn't say "75 Hotel Rooms"; it says "over 75 Hotel Rooms".

    Which means at least 76, maybe 77.

  7. Joe schmoe says:

    On a related note: would you really want to be operated on by the guys who advertise in the "best doctors in America" ads that are in the airline magazines?

  8. Ken says:

    I'm sure a smart math person could calculate how long it would be before 15% per month growth included everyone in North America.

  9. Bear says:

    Are you sure that isn't another of your readers trolling you? It does read a bit like something "Kolabati Bahkti" might send you.

  10. Ken says:

    No. It came to multiple people. And the entity exists.

  11. Muphrid says:

    Ken: starting from a group of 1 person, 15% growth rate per month will encompass all 530 million people in North America (2008 figure) within ~143 months, or a little under 12 years.

    I think this firmly rules out exclusivity as a long-term selling point.

  12. Mike says:

    That would be an elaborate scam. Might be worth it…

    Using a formula for compound interest, 75 compounded at a 15% rate will take 108.7 years to reach 300,000,000. If there are a significant number of private jets on which this magazine appears, that number will go down not insignificantly!

  13. Mike says:

    Damn! I used yearly growth. I am ashamed.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Assuming we start with 100 people, roughly 107 months, or almost 9 years.

  15. Martin says:

    So… do you suggest we should first spam our prospective lawyers to see if they bite?

  16. nlp says:

    But are those 10k private jets?

  17. Dan Weber says:

    I thought things were going to start happening to you now in 2010! http://www.popehat.com/2010/11/22/things-are-going-to-start-happening-to-us-now/

    (Back in the day I tried to make a comment as "The Sniper" on that thread back then and it got eaten in the spam filter. Apparently I still remember that!)

  18. Ken says:

    Note update.

  19. John Ammon says:

    Haha, epic reply.

  20. Jim Tyre says:

    (a) may I presume you will be using Comic Sans?

    Ken, you may prefer the <a href="http://www.ffonts.net/Asswipe.font&quot; " title="Asswipe font"Asswipe font.

    And get your mind out of the gutter, it's pronounced Ah SWEE Pay.

  21. Jim Tyre says:

    Argh, don't chew gum and post at the same time.

    http://www.ffonts.net/Asswipe.font

  22. Muphrid says:

    In nonrelativistic quantum mechanics, the uncertainty principle tells us that it's impossible to know with arbitrary certainty both position and velocity. Clearly, these people don't know your location (as you pointed out), so they must know your velocity, and thus, you should demand they tell you how fast you're going and in what direction.

    I recommend demanding these values in terms of furlongs per fortnight or the airspeed of an unladen swallow.

  23. Michael Mock says:

    Man. Nobody offers to deliver me in a magazine in a private jet. Though honestly, that sounds a bit cramped… and if all I'm in is a magazine, I'd probably get cold, too.

  24. Matt Westcott says:

    No, no, don't you get it? These magazines are distributed by private jet, in over 75 hotel rooms. These are seriously huge-ass hotel rooms we're talking about here.

  25. En Passant says:

    Muphrid wrote Mar 18, 2013 @1:41 pm:

    I recommend demanding these values in terms of furlongs per fortnight or the airspeed of an unladen swallow.

    African or European Swallow?

  26. Mike says:

    If I get home delivery, do they land in my driveway first or just throw it out the window at 60,000 feet. Because I don't like having to walk all over to get things.

  27. James Pollock says:

    More importantly, is the swallow inside the private airplane when the magazine is delivered? Because that's going to substantially improve his airspeed (unless, of course, the private airplane, delivering to those hotel rooms in L.A., gets stuck in the traffic).

  28. Talisker says:

    "Popehat, Ken… sounds like a typical bastard."

  29. Roscoe says:

    Ken – You should be gratified that you are still receiving high quality spam. I used to get swell spam too, about foreign girls that wanted to meet me and neat tricks for enhancing my potency.

    These days all I get are phony solicitations for assistance in collecting a debt "in your jurisdiction" and SEO offers. It seems the spammers have figured out that I lead a very boring life.

  30. MattS says:

    "that are distributed via private jets, in over 75 Hotel Rooms"

    I want to know where they found so many hotel rooms large enough to accommodate a private jet.

  31. MattS says:

    En Passant • Mar 18, 2013 @1:48 pm

    Muphrid wrote Mar 18, 2013 @1:41 pm:

    I recommend demanding these values in terms of furlongs per fortnight or the airspeed of an unladen swallow.

    African or European Swallow?

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I don't know. Ahhhhh….. :)

  32. Bear says:

    Looking at that projected growth rate, I'm pretty sure they're going run afoul of Feinstein's high capacity magazine ban.

  33. Pete says:

    "More importantly, is the swallow inside the private airplane when the magazine is delivered? Because that's going to substantially improve his airspeed".

    Wrong. Unless you've discovered a Grand Unification Theory, then Relativity can't apply here because Ken has already stipulated that this scenario is governed by Quantum Mechanics.

  34. mojo says:

    "But wait! THERE'S MORE!"

  35. Delvan says:

    Gotta look at the big picture man. If there a person for every hotel room in 12 years they'll have 41 billion subscribers. Not bad considering the world population will be about 8 billion then….hmm.

    Perhaps their subscribers include ponies. That'd cover another 0.5 billion subscribers if every pony is a subscriber. That's not it…

    Ooh, I know what it is. Those people have to sign up for a new subscription every month, because they're never in the same hotel room! But 15% of the time they undergo whole-body mitosis during that month, so they end up registering more subscriptions (one per clone…which one is the clone?)

  36. Brad says:

    You only require a regular pony, not a fire-breathing one? Your standards are slipping, sir.

  37. BLJ says:

    @Delvan: The pony who can watch paint dry the longest is not the clone.

  38. Johan Ouwerkerk says:

    You slipped up by mentioning Comic Sans. Real top lawyers use San Fransisco: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco_(typeface)

  39. Otto says:

    Speaking of grammatical errors, "All grammatical … errors … is in the original."

    It's Muphry's Law.

  40. James Pollock says:

    "Wrong. Unless you've discovered a Grand Unification Theory, then Relativity can't apply here because Ken has already stipulated that this scenario is governed by Quantum Mechanics."

    Oops. Strapping jet engines onto a swallow increases its velocity by plain old Newton, no relativity required.
    OK, if you cross a time zone, that adds in a quantum relativistic effect (except in Arizona and Hawaii).

  41. John Fast says:

    @Brad: He'd better require a war pony rather than a regular pony, because Ken looks (in his real-life big-boy photos) like he weighs more than a regular pony's heavy load. (Meaning no disrespect — I weigh somewhat more than Ken, although less than Chris Christie, or at least less than a Christie tank.)

  42. Dr. Wu says:

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe every aircraft operated by FedEx, UPS, and DHL, including those carrying contract mail for the United States Postal Service, is in fact a "private jet." But I'm sure that an elite publication like "Who's Paid", er, "Who's Who", er, "Tragically Insecure Living Magazine" would not resort to technicalities.

  43. Anony Mouse says:

    "Lawyer in Tragically Insecure Lawyer Network for Los Angeles"

    Even knowing that you changed the name, there was a moment when I thought that was the real name, and it really made me smile.

  44. wgering says:

    I shudder to think of the day when spammers achieve a middle-school reading level.

    Also, I want to register "http://www.nobodylikeslawyerssoitismorallyacceptabletospamthem.com" and use it to send lawyers unsolicited photos of ponies. The twist is that each message includes a unique photo and lovingly-crafted individual poem.

  45. Ross says:

    I was worried that all the Prenda business was distracting Ken from important matters of commerce in diminutive equine stock but fortunately I read all the way to item six.

  46. Ken Mencher says:

    Apparently, I am on the wrong mailing lists…

    All i get is boring spam.

  47. El says:

    Are all 75 Hotel Rooms in the same hotel or is it only 1 room in 75 Different Hotels, that could be an important distinction. I mean, are they in the crappiest room in each hotel or the penthouse suite, because I've watched a lot of CSI and people who stay in hotel penthouses often need a lawyer ;)

  48. Where will these Press Releases be performed? Inquiring minds want to know, and quickly–anything growing this rapidly will undoubtedly be available standing-room-only. Presumably, of course, in the most EXCLUSIVE theatres: Lincoln Center/Avery Fisher Hall, War Memorial Auditorium, Walt Disney Concert Hall, or the Miami Jai Alai fronton.

    Whatever the virtues of this enterprise in raising the standards of excellence at the bar, they are surely overshadowed by this new genre of performance art.

  49. LT says:

    So how long until we get a pic of Ken riding the skies on Rainbow Dash?

  50. John O. says:

    I would have also added a stipulating clause requiring the placement all of this in Second Life so as to tap into the market of the virtual world. All the Lindens we could make with this strategy would be HUGE. REALLY HUGE. I overheard once in the elementary school cafeteria while I was on janitorial duty that the exchange rate is something like $100 Quadrillion Linden is $10 US Dollars. We totally would be richer than that oil loving Royal Prince somewhere in Arabia with all that Linden.