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Progress Kentucky: Vigilant Against Every Type of Alien Threat

Feb 26, 2013
By .
Politics & Current Events

I am not a fan of Mitch McConnell, even though I am impressed that he has a lifespan of over 100 years and is the 10th-heaviest living reptile. However, I lack any animus against him based on the ethnic background of his wife. This distinguishes me from a PAC called Progress Kentucky

SoProgressive

This attitude earned Progress Kentucky not only the anger of conservatives, but the scorn of the New York Times, the Huffington Post, and Talking Points Memo. And you know what they say — if you've lost the New York Times, then you're not going to get a trend story about you, even if a New York Times reporter hears about you from her Pilates instructor.

Progress Kentucky's response to criticism has not been exactly on message. They've gone with a modified sorry-if-you're-offended-by-our-intern:

A spokesman, Curtis Morrison, told WFPL, “It’s not an official statement. It’s a Tweet. And we will remove if it’s wrong.”

They've also asserted that accusing them of race-baiting is unfair, because when we accuse them of emphasizing McConnell is married to a woman of Chinese descent, we ignore that her father is also Chinese and is reputed to have gone to school with Chinese people.

As you can see from that tweet above, Progress Kentucky cites and promotes — and might have picked up its public relations skills from — Rense.com, a site that stands for a great American political truth: the more fearless and truth-seeking a political organization, the more likely it is to advertise questionable herbal supplements. Give Rense.com its due — would non-Progressive sites promote and link you to multiple posts disclosing the alien threat, or would they conceal it from you?

Hi, welcome back to 1996.

Hi, welcome back to 1996.

And what can you learn through those links?

Why would humans, (no matter how psychopathic), poison our environment with radiation, crude oil & chemtrails and put cancer causing GMO’s in our food? Answer, they wouldn’t, and they aren’t. These things are being done by the same cold, calculating pernicious evil that has controlled the course of events on this planet for thousands and thousands of years. Evidently the talking monkeys figure things out after enough time goes by, and they revolt, and have to be put down, hard. No problem, pernicious evil is patient, and will begin all over again after each mass extermination, uh, er, extinction event.

We are in Progress Kentucky's debt for its willingness to point out the threat of each and every type of alien.

But you probably shouldn't take my word for it. Like McConnell, I'm in league with them.

FEARMYDIMPLESMORTAL

Last 5 posts by Ken White

46 Comments
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46 Comments

  1. CourtneyLee  •  Feb 26, 2013 @6:15 pm

    If that's your daughter, she must get away with murder because those dimples are killer. I feel like I need to sign over my life savings to her lest she deploy them in my direction.

  2. Delvan  •  Feb 26, 2013 @6:17 pm

    They don't *have* to be aliens. Nothing screams "pernicious evil" better than an ancient race of superintelligent sentient scorpions.

  3. Kat  •  Feb 26, 2013 @6:50 pm

    That is the cutest little girl I have ever seen, and she makes my forehead feel better after all that facepalming.

  4. rmv  •  Feb 26, 2013 @6:51 pm

    @Delvan

    Wrong. Lizard People

  5. Tali McPike  •  Feb 26, 2013 @6:53 pm

    All I have to say is that you have an adorable daughter, Ken.

  6. Kathryn  •  Feb 26, 2013 @6:59 pm

    That is one adorable child…wait… what was the rest of the article again? What does she think I'm supposed to say about it?

  7. Xenocles  •  Feb 26, 2013 @7:02 pm

    You'd best take that picture down before The Onion uses her to satirize a third party.

  8. princessartemis  •  Feb 26, 2013 @7:08 pm

    You have one good looking kid there, Ken. Her eyes and dimples could lay waste to millions just with the sheer power of cute. No wonder Progress Kentucky is afraid!

  9. Narad  •  Feb 26, 2013 @7:21 pm

    Citing anything hosted by Jeff Rense is effectively an invocation of a direct corollary of Scopie's law.

  10. Dan Weber  •  Feb 26, 2013 @7:22 pm

    Poe's Law is strong.

  11. C. S. P. Schofield  •  Feb 26, 2013 @7:46 pm

    I do get soooooo tired of the anti-immigrant animus of some segments of the right. I've read enough older documents to have seen it with the blank spaces in the template filled in with "Irish" and "German", and it never really changes much.

    On the other hand, the "let them all come, and we'll jigger the laws so that they can enjoy the benefits of being ruled by their Betters (us) (sotto voice but we won't actually CHANGE the laws so that they could come in LEGALLY, because then they wouldn't need us)" attitude I get from a lot of the Left is, if anything, worse.

  12. John David Galt  •  Feb 26, 2013 @8:33 pm

    This would be funny if no one really believed the myth that "evil people are poisoning our food for profit." But in fact, a huge number of people do believe it. Those believers started the "organic"/"natural"/"health" food movement back in the '70s, and still account for most of its sales (even though, amusingly, the "organic" food industry is now close to 100% owned by the same large food-processing companies that the myth says are poisoning us).

    So I think you have committed a faux pas comparable to the Onion's "cunt" tweet.

  13. Ancel De Lambert  •  Feb 26, 2013 @8:58 pm

    If there's one thing I despise, it's a narrative underestimating the capabilities of humanity. That was the overriding problem with the Percy Jackson series and everything that guy puts out; it states flat out that the only people capable of anything are the children of the gods. Everybody else is just sitting around eating their boogers. Fuck your evil aliens, humans are easily capable of insanity, that's kind of the point of it being insane.

  14. C. S. P. Schofield  •  Feb 26, 2013 @9:02 pm

    John David Gault;

    Organic; anything that contains carbon.

    Natural; Arsenic is natural. Botulism is natural. For Great Apes like us, sitting around picking fleas off of our relatives is natural. So is infanticide followed by forcible rape.

    *ptui* on Organic and Natural.

    Want to impress me? Show me an inorganic and unnatural banana.

  15. En Passant  •  Feb 26, 2013 @9:18 pm

    John David Galt wrote Feb 26, 2013 @8:33 pm:

    Those believers started the "organic"/"natural"/"health" food movement back in the '70s, and still account for most of its sales (even though, amusingly, the "organic" food industry is now close to 100% owned by the same large food-processing companies that the myth says are poisoning us).

    That's what makes the conspiracy so insidious.

    I protected myself for a while by using only pure organic salt. But it's getting harder to find. They control the world market.

    They'll stop at nothing to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. That's why I'm sticking with nothing but pure grain alcohol and distilled water these days.

  16. Terry Towels  •  Feb 26, 2013 @9:33 pm

    Some revelations from ethnic sensitivity training I received way back when I was working:

    Many black, asian, and mexican people have been in the US longer than those immigrants from europe. It's funny to see the faces of the racist folks who are descendants of immigrants from the 1850s to 1890s when this is explained to them. Nouveau amurcans!

    By the way, if that picture is of your daughter, you in trouble when she starts to date!

  17. C. S. P. Schofield  •  Feb 26, 2013 @10:16 pm

    Terry Towels,

    As Eleanor Roosevelt said to the DAR "Fellow descendants of immigrants…."

  18. Anony Mouse  •  Feb 26, 2013 @11:45 pm

    These things are being done by the same cold, calculating pernicious evil that has controlled the course of events on this planet for thousands and thousands of years

    Thousands? Buncha johnny-come-latelies. Great Cthulhu's been here for millions! Ia!

  19. Delvan  •  Feb 27, 2013 @12:03 am

    @Anony Mouse: Yeah, but he's been chilling sleeping in undeath for the last few millenia, which is how the shapeshifting lizard people rmv referenced have been able to rule Earth unopposed.

    Oh, @rmv: I deliberately invented those scorpions to help relieve my mind of considering the depressing number of people who actually do think there is a secret society of shapeshifting lizard people ruling the planet.

    (M'lords, I've handled the leak and defused the situation, see you boys back on KAR-5B)

  20. Korsgaard  •  Feb 27, 2013 @1:07 am

    Now I'm all curious about what the "zio-satanic" conspiracy is all about…

    (and of course, the obligatory: cute kid)

  21. Narad  •  Feb 27, 2013 @3:33 am

    This would be funny if no one really believed the myth that "evil people are poisoning our food for profit." But in fact, a huge number of people do believe it. Those believers started the "organic"/"natural"/"health" food movement back in the '70s, and still account for most of its sales

    Um, no. You're trying to conflate the anti-GMO tinfoil-hat crowd with the back-to-the-land crowd and failing even to address the Steinerite biodynamicists. It is a primitive attempt at a summary, to say the least.

  22. Damon  •  Feb 27, 2013 @5:32 am

    Now we have PROOF Ken, PROOF that you are one of THEM!

    :)

  23. Damian P.  •  Feb 27, 2013 @6:31 am

    These things are being done by the same cold, calculating pernicious evil that has controlled the course of events on this planet for thousands and thousands of years

    JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!!!

  24. AlphaCentauri  •  Feb 27, 2013 @7:02 am

    Part of the paranoia is the food producers' attempts at restricting the free speech of producers who don't use GMO foods/milk produced using BGH etc. Consumers have no problem buying GMO foods when they're superior, like Ilini Xtra Sweet Corn or Candylopes. But states seriously pass laws saying that food can't be labelled as not having been produced with BGH or GMO. It's obviously unconstitutional, so when people see laws like that actually get passed, they wonder what the motivation of the legislators and governors involved is.

    If suddenly your kid can't bring peanut butter sandwiches in her lunch because so many kids at her school have life threatening allergies, despite the fact that all of us spent our childhoods with hands smeared with peanut butter and we never heard of a single case of allergy, people feel like maybe we should be able to know the names of the varieties of peanut cultivars in the jar.

  25. Dan Weber  •  Feb 27, 2013 @7:22 am

    Relevant XKCD on labeling: http://xkcd.com/641/

  26. Patrick  •  Feb 27, 2013 @7:27 am

    I'd have more respect for them if they'd spoken out against the Mutant, and the Heretic.

    It's easy for political people to posture against the Alien. The Alien is recognizably different. But the Mutant, and the Heretic, why they could be anyone.

    The price of Empire is eternal vigilance against the Alien, the Mutant, and the Heretic.

  27. Tern  •  Feb 27, 2013 @7:41 am

    Burn the heretic. Kill the mutant. Purge the unclean.

  28. JRM  •  Feb 27, 2013 @7:42 am

    Couldn't get on their site yesterday or today, but per WaPo, they also have repeatedly suggested that McConnell is gay.

    Actually, I can see why I can't get on: Alien interference. No, that's silly.

    Obviously, it's Chinese hackers. When the Chinese can infiltrate as children and get their non-Chinese parents to buy products from China, there's really nothing they can't do. (To quote South Park: "They took arrr jobs.")

  29. Charles  •  Feb 27, 2013 @8:49 am

    Goddamn it, CSP, you got my hopes up. Progress Kentucky isn't a conservative group. They are my supposed allies on the left.

  30. Caudex  •  Feb 27, 2013 @9:24 am

    @Tern, @Patrick
    Blind servants of a corpse god! Your dead Emperor cares naught for your suffering, for your death! Only the living gods of the Warp are truly merciful. Grandfather Nurgle wraps all in his loving embrace. Slaanesh, lord-lady of pleasure, stretches his-her bliss forth to you. Khorne, seated upon his Throne of Skulls, asks only for blood. Tzeentch, the Changer of Ways, offers his gifts to us all. But you reject their overtures, turning instead to your dead god on a golden throne. Embrace Chaos. It is a good pain!

  31. Dictatortot  •  Feb 27, 2013 @9:46 am

    See? This is why the head of Zardoz is needed, and can't arrive soon enough far as I'm concerned.

  32. Mitch  •  Feb 27, 2013 @9:51 am

    I really hate the fact that Progress Kentucky are attacking McConnell for racist reasons using racist imagery.

    To paraphrase Ken in another context, it is as if Progress Kentucky were repelled by McConnell like all sentient beings should be, and then picked the stupidest possible basis to express their opposition. There are so many really good reasons to attack McConnell, particularly from the left (although Redstate appears to have no use for him either). But now, because Progress Kentucky have elected to make the stupidest, most ham-handed racist attack that I could imagine, it really is incumbent of all on the left to wash our hands of Progress Kentucky.

    Shame on Progress Kentucky.

  33. Tarrou  •  Feb 27, 2013 @10:07 am

    Might I just comment that the thought behind the racism is typically ass-backwards? What possible motive could a Taiwanese-American have for shipping jobs to China? Isn't the whole point of Taiwan that they don't like the PRC? To paraphrase Hitchen, the one thing a racist can never manage is real discrimination.

  34. NM  •  Feb 27, 2013 @10:30 am

    Because of your love of the Onion
    http://www.theonion.com/video/behind-the-pen-the-chinese-threat,28261/

  35. Jacob  •  Feb 27, 2013 @11:16 am

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/weigel/2013/02/26/progressky_backlash_group_that_insulted_mitch_mcconnell_s_wife_is_not_important.html

  36. rmv  •  Feb 27, 2013 @12:00 pm

    @Delvan

    *taps nose*

  37. Deadly Laigrek  •  Feb 27, 2013 @12:13 pm

    Your daughter is. THE. MOST. ADORABLE.

  38. Fnord  •  Feb 27, 2013 @2:11 pm

    I was getting all worked up and angry. And then D'AWW CUTE OVERLOAD.

  39. Dictatortot  •  Feb 27, 2013 @2:28 pm

    I hate kids, Ken, but you're really testing me here.

  40. naught_for_naught  •  Feb 27, 2013 @2:50 pm

    It's news like this that feeds these fears: http://onion.com/WigEfs

  41. Paul Taylor  •  Feb 27, 2013 @5:41 pm

    Funny that even Progress Kentucky won't talk about …

  42. warren  •  Feb 28, 2013 @12:51 am

    @Tarrou Taiwan would be happy to see economic growth in PRC if it leads to reunification under a Nationalist government.

  43. En Passant  •  Feb 28, 2013 @12:24 pm

    Fnord wrote Feb 27, 2013 @2:11 pm:

    I was getting all worked up and angry. And then D'AWW CUTE OVERLOAD.

    Be careful. You are perilously close to revealing their sekrit weapon. Whoever "they" are.

    What do you think the "C-squared" in "E = MC-squared" means anyhow? I'll tell you what — it's Cute Children.

    Properly stated, Einstein revealed that Empire is the product of Massively Cute Children.

  44. Narad  •  Feb 28, 2013 @10:08 pm

    Properly stated, Einstein revealed that Empire is the product of Massively Cute Children.

    You need to take into account the momentum term in the relativistic formulation.

  45. En Passant  •  Mar 1, 2013 @9:23 am

    Narad wrote Feb 28, 2013 @10:08 pm:

    You need to take into account the momentum term in the relativistic formulation.

    I was told this forum does not require PC terms.

  46. mojo  •  Mar 1, 2013 @3:13 pm

    Last pic: isn't that "The Dragon" from "Balls of Fire"?