Technorati Likes Me! They Reallly Like Me!

Irksome

From an email yesterday:

Re: Popehat & Technorati Media Advertising Partnership

Hi Ken,

My name is Justin

Hi, Justin! Are we going to have a pleasant relationship?

and I manage publisher relations

Wuh-oh.

for Technorati Media, the leading social media ad network and blogosphere destination

They should put "the leading social media ad network and blogosphere destination" in UrbanDictionary under "Word Salad." You can rearrange it endlessly. "The leading blogosphere network and social media ad destination." "The leading ad destination and social media blogosphere network."

Popehat.com is a fantastic site and I would love to establish a partnership to help you further monetize your traffic.

Justin, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot here, but I think you're a stinking liar. I don't think you, or anyone human responsible for targeting me with this email, has ever "read" or formed an opinion of Popehat. How many sites have you called "fantastic?" Would you still have called us fantastic if you knew that we consistently mock your profession as substanceless, loathsome, and bad for everyone involved? Also, you used "monetize your traffic" non-ironically, so fuck you very much.

We're currently working with similar publishers, including LawyersAndSettlements.com, DocStoc.com, DailyCaller.com, Alternet.org, TopClassActions.com, AmericaBlog.com, TheFreeDictionary.com, TheNewCivilRightsMovement.com, CommentaryMagazine.com, QuickAndDirtyTips.com, Care2.com, RealClearPolitics.com, & ChaCha.com.

Similar publishers, Justin? In what way are these "publishers" similar to Popehat, or to each other? You've mashed together a seemingly random collection of political blogs and shitty commercial linkfarms and ad-revenue-placeholders. If your goal was to convey to a potential customer that you're a competent marketer who could tailor a suitable advertising product for my blog, you've just started the interview with the equivalent of puking on my shoes and wiping your mouth with my tie. Seriously. Did a non-drunk human read that list?

On the advertiser side, we're connected to great brands like Microsoft, Toyota, Ikea, FedEx, Clorox, Sony, New Balance, Disney, Best Buy, H&R Block, Macy’s, Intel, Taco Bell, AT&T, Mattel, Hertz, Levi's, Dell, Chevron, JetBlue, & Verizon.

Bleeeeeeuuurrghhhhahahhhhhh. You just puked all over my shoes again, Justin. And I really thought you were done after the last paragraph. What does "connected to" mean? And what makes you think that anyone would think any of those brands are suitable for advertisements here? I mean, sure, I can see how you'd want Clorox after some of Clark's posts, but do we really strike you as a Disney outfit?

Please let me know if you are interested and would like to hear more. You can also apply to the network here. Thank you!

Regards,

Justin

I am not interested, Justin, and I would not like to hear more from you ever again. Thanks!

Last 5 posts by Ken White

19 Comments

18 Comments

  1. BRIAN TANNEBAUM  •  Dec 6, 2012 @9:10 am

    Thefreedictionary.com is awesome. Better than fantastic

  2. Josh  •  Dec 6, 2012 @9:19 am

    Does Disney make My Little Pony? Because if they do I could totally see Popehat being a Disney advertising partner!

  3. Connie  •  Dec 6, 2012 @9:22 am

    You showed a remarkable level of self restraint in not inquiring to any pony-based websites, such as brushmytail.com, deathtofourleggedponybeasts.net and prettyponypalace.org

    *Note: I do not know if these URLs exist or actually link to any real website. Viewer discretion is advised.

  4. tsrblke  •  Dec 6, 2012 @9:41 am

    Ken,
    In fairness, I'd love to see a Jet Blue ad next to one of your "TSA is full of idiots" post.
    The Irony would be delicious.
    (Also relevant, Taco Bell next to a "war on Drugs" critique.)

  5. Nicholas Weaver  •  Dec 6, 2012 @10:24 am

    Of course, if Hasbro was an advertiser, it would be a whole nother Pony story…

  6. Deadly Laigrek  •  Dec 6, 2012 @12:17 pm

    Ken, I think you're overreacting. I mean, think about it – Levi's perfectly complements this website. They both… Okay, but what about Macy's? You wear pants, right?

    Also, quickanddirtytips.com sounds really skeevy.

  7. PhilG  •  Dec 6, 2012 @12:23 pm

    I don't know, you could start a whole series of posts about the proper way to sue Ikea because the stupid pieces don't fit together. WHY DON'T YOU FIT TOGETHER BILLY SHELF 23452356B??

  8. Brett Middleton  •  Dec 6, 2012 @12:43 pm

    Hey, I'm a traffic. Why won't you monetize me? I could sure use some! How much do you think they'd give me, allowing you a reasonable rakeoff as the middleman?

  9. mojo  •  Dec 6, 2012 @12:47 pm

    But do they pay in ponies?

  10. David  •  Dec 6, 2012 @2:35 pm

    what about Macy's? You wear pants, right?

    Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

  11. Roscoe  •  Dec 6, 2012 @4:48 pm

    Hey, I'm traffic and I have absolutely no objection to being monetized. In fact, it might be fun to be monetized.

  12. Deadly Laigrek  •  Dec 6, 2012 @10:07 pm

    Is monetizing painful? Please tell me, Ken. I do love it ever so much when we get story time. And after you tell us that, please, tell us about more ponies. I know they make all of us happy.

  13. Tali McPike  •  Dec 7, 2012 @8:28 am

    "Fuck you very much"

    Isn't that one of Tarra Carreon's lines?

    Its arguably her best work, and this was definitely a fitting situation in which to use it.

  14. Lex  •  Dec 7, 2012 @1:42 pm

    All you need to know about Technorati is that only about five weeks ago, it ranked my blog 27th most authoritative on matters pertaining to science out of more than 12,000 blogs registered on Technorati that treat the subject.

    http://blogontherun.wordpress.com/2012/10/28/respect-mah-authoritay-technorati-edition/

    Apparently, all I had to do to rank that high was post occasionally on football-related brain injuries and astronomy and use the word "reality" a lot. Who knew?

  15. AlphaCentauri  •  Dec 8, 2012 @11:36 am

    "Fuck you very much" was a very cute video during the George W. Bush years:

  16. Thomas Downing  •  Dec 10, 2012 @1:12 pm

    Thanks for that! After a day not memorable for delight – a big grin and evil chuckle hit the spot!

  17. Fred  •  Dec 11, 2012 @1:51 am

    An advertiser doesn't need to read your site to say it's fantastic: They only need to read your daily traffic.

    Also, I almost expected to see TakedownHammer.com among the list of websites, to add insult to insult.

  18. Tam  •  Dec 11, 2012 @5:00 am

    You should have asked him if they've been able to keep their website functioning properly for more than a week at a time in the last six months. (Hint: No.)

1 Trackback