In Which Drat, I Scared Them All Off Too Early

Fun

The First:

Hi,

My name is David and I represent a leading Manchester based solicitors firm having specialist in Personal Injury claims. I have been tasked with sourcing advertising opportunities for my client and was wondering if it might be possible to advertise them on your website http://www.popehat.com/.

For now we are looking for a Contextual text links and I would appreciate if you could get back to me, if you think that we could take this further. 1 year or 6 months deal price would be good to know if this is possible to decide further. Payment will be through PayPal.

Regards,
David

Dear David:

I am very interested to hear your offer. We at Popehat are constantly looking for new income streams.

Certain conditions of supervised release make international payment in currency problematic. However, given that your client specializes in Personal Injury claims, and we have numerous claims of personal injury what require vindication, we're thinking maybe something could be done in trade. Tell me — does your Manchester-based solicitor firm have experience in pony-related Personal Injury claims? I believe they might be more commonly known as collyswopdopwobbles in Manchester rather than ponies.

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Ken

[no reply]

The Second:

Hi! Hope you're well! Just thought I’d drop you a line to check whether you received my previous email?

I just wanted to ask if you would please consider placing a link to MyClaimSource.com? It is an information website that provides assistance resource on filing insurance claims. It also provides an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

If you think it would be of use to your visitors, would you please consider placing a link to my website on your page?

Thanks and have a great day!

Best,

Hannah Taylor
MyClaimSource.com

http://www.myclaimsource.com

Reply STOP to receive no further correspondence.

Dear Hannah:

Thanks for the suggestion.

Question: does MyClaimSource.com offer advice and support to ANY type of insurance claims?

Ken

Hi Ken! Thanks for getting back to me. So far we have covered auto insurance, health insurance, life insurance, medicare, travel insurance, and workers comp and we're still researching for more content. The site does provide advice and information about various provider policy and our goal is to make MyClaimSource.com an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider.

Hannah:

The authors at my site, and increasingly our readers, have a very specific and somewhat rare insurance concern.

We are concerned about pony-related claims.

We would be happy to hear of a site where we might find a like-minded community of people who have had experience navigating pony-related claims, and would happily link to such a site.

[no reply]

The Third:

Hello Ken,

I am Tracy Myers, a freelance writer and a regular blogger for homeinsurance.org. I came across your blog and must say that the informative content of your blog is worth reading. So I was wondering if you accept guest posts, and if so, would you be willing to publish my writing on your site? I'm looking to expand my writing horizons and would love to contribute to your blog.

I would like to give you a unique article on any topic related to your blog theme. I assure you that I will write the post exclusively for you. In return of the post I just need a link back to my site http://www.homeinsurance.org/.

Here are some of my writing samples:

[List of seven guest-post-spammer-style blog posts omitted]

Please do let me know if this caters to your interest. Looking forward to your positive reply.

Regards,

Tracy

Dear Tracy:

Thank you very much for the offer. We at Popehat are thrilled to receive an offer of a guest post from a professional writer. We have held a staff meeting, and by a unanimous vote, with only one abstention (well actually Clark was screaming. I'm not sure he was really following us at all. Does that count as an abstention? Or would you not count him as present in the first place? Do you have a copy of Roget's Rules of Order? Or is it Robert's Rules of Order? Roget is the Thesaurus guy, now that I think about it, right?), we have voted to invite you to submit any number of guest posts that you like.

We propose the following topics:

Ponies: Threat Or Menace?

Will My Homeowners' Insurance Cover Me If I Soil The Expensive Persian Rug In The Hall Because I Thought I Saw A Pony But It Was Actually A Largish Dog?

Which Homeowners' Insurance Companies Provide The Most Voluminous Policy Manuals, Which I Can Burn For Heat After The Pony Apocalypse In A Defiant But Ultimately Futile Attempt To Keep My Shattered Family Alive Just A Few More Desperate Days?

Bronies: The Quislings Of The Pony Occupation?

Screaming "Pony" In A Crowded Theater: A Post-Brandenburg Analysis

What Does My Insurance Policy Say About Weeping And Rocking Rhythmically?

We eagerly await your input.

Very truly yours,

Ken

[No reply]

Last 5 posts by Ken White

22 Comments

22 Comments

  1. adam  •  Nov 28, 2012 @9:26 am

    i'm beginning to think you have WAY too much fun with this. but man, it's hysterical.

  2. W. C. Taqiyya  •  Nov 28, 2012 @9:42 am

    Dear Mr and/or Miss Popehat:

    RE:
    It has come to our attention that your firm is interested in purchasing pony insurance and in filing claims against ponies. We here, at Four Legged Menace, LLC are happy to admit that we are the very essence of this new and exciting field of animal husbandry and bitchery. We are proud of the fact that in the field of critter insurance we have moved the fence-line a lot farther than it extended before. It now extends well into the next county and encompasses not only ponies but also horses, donkeys, dogs, cats, goats and asses. Crossbred into the insurance part of the business we have a thriving, energetic and hormone free litigation business whose primary task is keeping animals responsible for their misdeeds. We love to sue animals and I can tell you that ever since they gained the right to vote, choose where and how they live and what they can eat, the lawsuits are pouring in. In fact, one of our subsidiaries is representing a group of cows right now demanding the right to practice the religion of their choice. If, as we expect, the courts rule in our favor, the business opportunities will expand exponentially. Needless to say, the potential in the fields of disability and gaining disadvantaged minority status is awesome.

  3. W. C. Taqiyya  •  Nov 28, 2012 @9:54 am

    I mistakenly hit the submit button a bit too early. Anyhow, we would love to help you with your insurance and litigation needs. With your permission, we will send a detailed insurance proposal along with a prospectus thing containing our thrilling investment opportunities. Don't just sit in that saddle, grab the reins and help make the animals behave responsibly. Remember, we all need to think about the children. Thank you so much for your kind consideration. Please don't hesitate to let us know how often you would like to be informed of new developments in this fast paced, growing enterprise.

  4. bbeenie  •  Nov 28, 2012 @10:09 am

    She said she'd write about "any topic related to your blog theme" in exchange for a link…you'd think she'd take you up on a pony article. I'm disappointed in Tracy.

  5. Michael K  •  Nov 28, 2012 @10:38 am

    "I came across your blog and must say that the informative content of your blog is worth reading."

    This should be a wake-up call to punch up the non-informative content, guys. It's apparently not worth reading yet.

  6. Connie  •  Nov 28, 2012 @10:40 am

    I'm waiting for the Brony community to file a libel suit against Popehat for their continued degredation of ponies, pony loving community, and the word pony in general.

  7. Dave  •  Nov 28, 2012 @10:52 am

    I'm waiting for the day Popehat receives spam from an actual pony ranch of whatever you call a place you breed those things. I suppose in Manchester, it would be called a collyswopdopwobble spanner.

  8. Brony  •  Nov 28, 2012 @10:58 am

    @Connie

    Oh the suit is coming, just you wait. We have hired a top notch lawyer to represent us. Perhaps you have heard of Mr. Charles Carreon?

    We are lucky have get a lawyer of his caliber on our side. We're also lucky that some current hardships have reduced his fees to a level we could afford. He was willing to represent us for a carrot, two lumps of sugar, and a half-chewed apple.

  9. Connie  •  Nov 28, 2012 @11:26 am

    @Brony – Speaking of Mr. Carreon, I read that they finally managed to serve him! I'm sure he's happy to have you as a client in light of this disturbing news.

  10. PhilG  •  Nov 28, 2012 @12:14 pm

    Bronies: The Quislings Of The Pony Occupation?

    Friendship is turning on your species!

  11. Boxy  •  Nov 28, 2012 @12:46 pm

    Speaking of bronies, I was contemplating posting PopePony to a certain infamous image board on its pony forum, for science. I hesitate because it could possibly draw a certain type of attention to this blog, filling the comment filter with racist, bestial canned meats.

  12. Geoff  •  Nov 28, 2012 @3:08 pm

    After a truly shitty day, I really needed those lulz. Thanks Ken.

  13. AlphaCentauri  •  Nov 28, 2012 @5:17 pm

    Shoot, we'd have fun writing blog posts on those topics, and we wouldn't demand backlinks.

  14. Kelly  •  Nov 28, 2012 @5:57 pm

    Ha! Thank you for the laughs, Ken.

  15. Chris R.  •  Nov 28, 2012 @8:02 pm

    Spammers have all the fun.

  16. garrick  •  Nov 29, 2012 @5:45 am

    Thank you for the large, long laugh this morning as I begin my day.

    MOAR COFFEE!

  17. Eddie  •  Nov 29, 2012 @7:01 am
  18. Mike  •  Nov 29, 2012 @7:32 am

    I'm still waiting for the Humpty Dumpty reference: http://i.imgur.com/lXT1N.gif

  19. Paul  •  Nov 29, 2012 @8:17 am

    I really would like to read "Screaming "Pony" In A Crowded Theater: A Post-Brandenburg Analysis." I hope Tracy gets back to you. Or someone else takes it up.

  20. Artor  •  Nov 29, 2012 @8:25 pm

    I was just reminded of a childhood campout on Chincoteague Island, which has been overrun by feral ponies since a Spanish galleon sank nearby in the 1700's I was 4 or 5 years old, sitting around a bonfire with my family, roasting marshmallows. I had finally mastered the skill of roasting a marshmallow without turning it into a flaming cinder, but as I pulled my stick out of the fire & turned to show off my mad skillz to my mom, a wild pony crept out of the darkness with ninja stealth and ate the marshmallow right off the end of my stick!

  21. Kristin M  •  Dec 3, 2012 @12:36 pm

    A "super media professional" (seriously, that's what he called himself) came into our law office today offering to increase our Google ranking. Of course, he had no idea what we did, who we were, or any of the other basic information you would learn from the smallest amount of research or even just looking at our webpage. So apparently the marketeers are now going door-to-door.

  22. Jon  •  Dec 4, 2012 @1:12 pm

    Looks like the Onion is vying for a guest post on Popehat?

    http://www.theonion.com/video/shocking-report-says-even-the-smallest-horse-bite,30605/