In Which I Dare Not Even Say The Word

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26 Responses

  1. Kilroy says:

    In communist Russia, the pony hunts you.

  2. Dan says:

    "the most terrifying and dangerous game of all"

    Would that be the nighmare pony made of eyeballs?

  3. If he can agree to focus on that and actually follow through, I say you run whatever he comes up with, embedded links and all.

  4. misterjeff says:

    Oooh… Bite! Bite! Bite! Bite!

    /pulls up chair, settles down to wait

  5. Michael Mock says:

    It's a balancing act, isn't it? I mean, you have to protect your hearing, but you still have to be able to hear what your opponent… erm, your prey… is doing.

  6. Janet C says:

    Snort!

  7. Dictatortot says:

    Before giving the most dangerous prey his 30-minute lead, I like to invite him to table, give him a snifter of brandy, and engage in suave, mildly villainous verbal repartee for an hour or two. Really takes the ear-damaging edge off their vocal cords for later.

  8. ZK says:

    Did we get this idea from Road To Popehat's "Silenced Pistol Hunting" a few weeks back?

    Because I certainly someone else may have had that idea…

  9. Bill says:

    I have to agree, Eyeball ponie is way more terrifying than teh standard issue monster.

  10. Gal says:

    I wonder what bigfoot hunters do to protect their ears. Especially when they duel.

  11. Nicholas Weaver says:

    If its tourist season, why can we shoot them?

  12. mmrtnt says:

    Maybe I'm glad I can't think of an image to draw to illustrate this:

    Pony bait

  13. Andrew says:

    And now I have to go rent Surviving the Game again.

  14. Colin says:

    Does this mean we get to see an Ear Pony to go with the Eyeball Pony?

  15. ElSuerte says:

    While 'Eye Little Pony' is weapons grade nightmare fuel, there is worse lurking in the dark corners of the world.

    My friends, the most terrifying and dangerous game of all is, in fact, something called "pony play." Google at your own risk to. Remember: what has been seen, cannot be unseen.

  16. dfbaskwill says:

    Those Unicorns have HORNS! Be careful.

  17. Kelly says:

    Thank you for the laughs, I really needed them just now.

  18. Boxy says:

    The most messed up thing I've seen today is now a toss up between photographs of "pony play" and the presidential platform of Jack Fellure. Thanks, ElSuerte!

  19. Jonah says:

    So, you've hunted big game in Africa, moved on to spearfishing for great whites, and now you're ready for a real challenge. You have decided to fly in the face of sanity and tackle the most terrifying and dangerous animal of them all. A beast so awful that some fear merely to speak its name. I refer, of course, to the pony. While pony hunting is fool-hardy in the extreme, my purpose is not to dissuade you (I assume that your family and friends will already have tried, to no avail), but to give you the information you will need to have some chance of surviving the experience.

    Given the pony's fearsome reputation, it may seem temping to try to pick one off from the relative safety of a blind, but hunting ponies in this way is not recommended. In pony country, hunting blinds have a disturbing tendency to be crushed by falling trees or struck by lightning, invariably killing anyone inside. Some will dismiss this as mere superstition, but I was unable to find a single account of a successful pony hunt conducted from a blind. Experienced pony hunters have told me that ponies seem to possess a strange sense of honor, and will sometimes allow the hunter who has demonstrated sufficient bravery to remove his or her trophy unmolested, while those who display cowardice are trampled unmercifully. In other words, you need to meet the pony, unflinching, on her own turf.

    Ponies are know for their stealth and ability to blend into their environment. They also tend to travel in packs. If you see one pony, their are probably at least 10 more nearby you haven't spotted yet. They may already have you surrounded. This is why, when hunting ponies, you should always try to have something solid at your back, such as a steep bank, cliff face, or large tree (or, in a pinch, a larger, slower hunting companion).

    Once you have spotted your target, it is essential to strike quickly and accurately. Ponies may be small, but they're tough, and will attack with lightning speed. You are unlikely to have time for a second shot. And remember, the pony's friends are probably nearby, and hungry. While some maintain that true pony hunters hunt exclusively with bow and arrow, most experts I spoke to recommend a large caliber rifle, especially for your first hunt. And that brings us to the subject of ear protection.

    When firing a large caliber gun, effective ear protection is essential to prevent hearing loss. You could use simple ear plugs, but the hunters I spoke to were near-unanimous in recommending adaptive hearing protection. It may cost a little more, but you'll need all your senses when pursuing these monsters, and being able to hear when you need to could mean the difference between a successful hunt and never being heard from again. We recommend XQi SmartEars 4000 (available now for just $399), but hunters on a budget may want to check out the less robust, but cheaper, SmartEars 2500SD.

    Remember, ponies are vicious, deadly creatures, but with the right equipment and training you should have up to a 75 percent chance of surviving your first hunt, and with the right ear protection you can come through with 100 percent of your hearing intact. One final piece of advice: as a last resort, you can always climb a tree, but, while ponies can't climb trees, they are very, very patient.

    So what about it, can I do a guest post?

    (Note: product names are made up. Any resemblance to actual product names is entirely coincidental.)

  20. Artor says:

    FEAR THE EYEBALL PONY!!!

  21. Gordon Clason says:

    With regard to "dangerous game", Will Rogers said, "There should be one day a year, just one, when it's open season on Senators." I don't think he was talking about baseball players.

  22. James Pollock says:

    Gordon, I recommend H. Beam Piper's "Lone Star Planet", which I believe is available free from Amazon's Kindle store. (To grossly oversimplify the story, "He was a known politician" is an affirmative defense to both assault and murder. Piper's best known novel, "Little Fuzzy", also revolves around a court case. While not quite in the same literary range as "To Kill a Mockingbird", it IS one of the best science fiction novels of the 1960's. Also available free from the Kindle store.)