Happy Halo 4 Release Day!

Effluvia

Or "Election Day" if you're a square.

In any case, sounds like as good a day as any to drink, right?  I mean, it's been a long long LONG few years, but now it's finally over.  We can finally don the green armor and shoot some aliens.  threaten to move to Canada.   whine and moan about the direction the country is heading.  But regardless of who wins, let's just all be glad of one thing:  At least John Edwards never got into the White House.  Holy SHIT that was a close one.

In any case, drinking.  <Political Theme> Drinking Games are passe now unfortunately.  After the infamous VP Debate of 2007, when Sarah Palin drove 1/3 of the country into alcoholic comas, it's been mutually agreed that we can never ever do one ever again.  So instead, here are some guidelines on how/what to drink on this great day.

 

If you voted for Romney

Your drink is Bud Light.  You actually hate Bud Light.  In fact, you (rightfully) think it tastes like lukewarm monkey piss.  But you gotta choke that awful shit down at some fuckin' shitty ass dive bar, while some bearded asshole next to you spills HIS Bud Light over your $500 Italian wingtips while he yells some bullshit about the Bill of Rights or something.  And someone has to talk to you about NASCAR or some sort of sport-ball team or whatever the fuck.  Look, just make it through the day.  You got a November 7th reservation at that bomb-ass steakhouse (just don't order the kobe); they'll serve a proper IPA.  MMMM, nice and hoppy, perfect for a shitty November evening.

Cocktail Suggestion:

The R-Money

  • Water
  • 2 Alka Seltzer
  • Comfortable Pillow
  • Prescription Painkillers

Take Alka-Seltzer, mix with water.  Throw it away.  SLAM the Painkillers, pass out.

 

If you voted for Obama

Your drink is Stella Atrois.  You don't HATE Stella, but you really prefer other beers.  You actually don't drink that much at all, but your Data Analyst's study indicates that Stella is about the most hoity-toity beer you can drink without seeming like an elitist.  Then you have to slop down some hot wings (that are going give you a "Ring of Fire" in the morning).  You'll be doing this with a bunch of overweight construction workers, and you'll be resisting the urge to lecture them on their dietary choices the whole time.   And in the meantime, some asshole with a stupid fucking mustache, drinking a PBR for fuck's sake, is busy being all ironic in your god damn ear when all you really want to do is just watch the fucking Bulls game.  Look, just make it through the day.   You got a November 7th reservation at that seafood place; they'll serve a proper IPA.  MMMMMMM, nice and hoppy, perfect for a shitty November evening.

Cocktail Suggestion:

The NObama

  • Bottle of Vodka
  • Straw

You know what to do.  And use the straw, you aren't a barbarian.

If you're playing Halo 4

You're drinking Smirnoff Ice.  Oh shit brah!  It's going to be so killer when you ice your bros after you tap them in the head with the BR. SLAYER FOR LIFE BRO.  Note, you'll probably be having a way better time than the above, especially since there will be less of that sexist crap on XBL.

 

Side note: Let's not be assholes, ladies and gentlemen.

Last 5 posts by Derrick

41 Comments

40 Comments

  1. Confused Third Party Voter  •  Nov 6, 2012 @12:54 am

    But what do I drink if I voted for Johnson or Stein?

  2. Michael S.  •  Nov 6, 2012 @1:29 am

    Smirnoff Ice…ouch. You could at least stick the Halo 4'ers with the PBR (or Milwaukee's Best or some similar swill)…

  3. Mike  •  Nov 6, 2012 @3:25 am

    I admit that these are accurate. Cocktails I assume are for if the other guy wins?

  4. Kirk Taylor  •  Nov 6, 2012 @4:54 am

    What do us Gary Johnson voters drink?

  5. Anonymous  •  Nov 6, 2012 @5:07 am

    Wait what.

    Vote "No" on "Don't limit freedom to marry" in Minnesota? I'm not exactly local to that area, so if somebody could explain or link an explanation of that law, I'd appreciate it.

  6. Dave Ruddell  •  Nov 6, 2012 @5:18 am

    After the infamous VP Debate of 2007

    Looks like someone started his drinking a little early

  7. GrimGhost  •  Nov 6, 2012 @5:45 am

    Also, vote No on Calif. Proposition 35.

    (I'd actually be FOR it, if the definition of "sex offender" meant "guy hanging around a playground, offering candy to children." But nope, prostitutes or anyone caught urinating on a wall while drunk, also could be convicted of being a "sex offender.")

  8. NotPiffany  •  Nov 6, 2012 @5:58 am

    Less misogynistic bullshit on XBL? Yeah, right.

  9. Derpus  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:04 am

    @Kirk Taylor: Kool-Aid, amirite u guize?

  10. NotPiffany  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:05 am

    Oh, Anonymous, the (state) constitutional amendment in MN is "Sec. 13. Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in Minnesota." A vote for that would be a vote to limit the freedom to marry, so a vote against it is a vote not to limit the freedom to marry.

    It's in the middle of this page.

  11. Brian  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:31 am

    Where are the third-party drinks? (the people who voted third-party need it more)

  12. Ali  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:41 am

    Stella Artois is really, really not a posh drink.

  13. Damon  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:43 am

    Since I didn't vote, and don't vote, and will not vote (seeing no material difference between a left leaning statist and a right leaning statist), I'm going home and, after working out, I'll fix a nice meal of chicken curry with carrots & spinach. Then, I'm popping the cap on a bottle of Lagavulin single malt. I shall shake my head ruefully….

  14. the other rob  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:47 am

    In England, Stella is colloquially known as "Wife Beater" – as in "A pint of wife beater, please". People started calling it that some time in the 1990s and sales dropped 10% in a single year. I can't prove a causal relationship, however.

    To answer the Third Party questions, I voted Johnson and I shall be drinking Ardbeg, a very fine single malt from the island if Islay, in the Inner Hebrides.

  15. CTrees  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:49 am

    I'm voting for Gary Johnson AND YOU DON'T GET TO TELL ME WHAT TO DRINK! I MAKE MY OWN CHOICES!

    Alternate answer: O'Douls, because it's really not going to make a difference.

    (joking aside, I like Johnson far more than Obama or Romney, and have been pushing my conservative friends to vote for him)

  16. DMC-12  •  Nov 6, 2012 @7:59 am

    "Sport-ball" is my new go-to term. Thank you.

  17. PiperTom  •  Nov 6, 2012 @8:03 am

    I voted for Gary Johnson* and I will drink what they have at the NC victory party, but I'm yearning for some Glenfiddich 50 year old Single Malt. We are expecting to break records here in NC.

    If you are a supporter near Raleigh, come join us at the Holiday Inn Crabtree, 4100 Glenwood Ave. Party starts at 7:30.

    *Actually, I voted for myself; I'm a presidential elector pledged to Johnson.

  18. Dave  •  Nov 6, 2012 @8:21 am

    I voted for Johnson, and I'm drinking Chimay tonight!

  19. mojo  •  Nov 6, 2012 @8:26 am

    Blow me.

  20. Kelly  •  Nov 6, 2012 @8:52 am

    I have mead, only because I was out of vodka …but I do have a straw!

  21. Dan  •  Nov 6, 2012 @9:12 am

    Voted for Gary Johnson and having black coffee now… bourbon over ice later. Also voted against Todd Akin, who has some misinformed beliefs about the age of the Earth and human physiology.

  22. Nicholas Weaver  •  Nov 6, 2012 @9:26 am

    Its a pity that although on civil liberties, rampant militarism, and financial mismanagement, the parties are near identical in their crappitude, there really is a difference in the level of bigotry between the two options, so there is a reason to hold your nose, stifle your vomit, and vote for one over the others.

  23. Nicholas Weaver  •  Nov 6, 2012 @9:26 am

    And I'm going to pretend the election doesn't exist, fire up GTA IV, and go blow S@#)(#@* up.

  24. ttl  •  Nov 6, 2012 @9:36 am

    Voting is for morons like myself. Biggest waste of time in my life. At least now I know. I will not,I hope, make this mistake again.

  25. Wayne Clemons  •  Nov 6, 2012 @10:11 am

    Halo 4 ftw. I have a small team of lawyers who like to occasionally pwn n00bs. Any Halo playing PopeHatteers who want to join, send a FR to Patriarch360. I'll be drinking box wine like a boss.

  26. Clayton  •  Nov 6, 2012 @11:54 am

    Johnson. And although mead does sound fantastic, I have a hard time not finishing a bottle by myself whenever one gets opened–so I'll go with the Glenmorangie Nectar d'Or.

  27. Jess  •  Nov 6, 2012 @12:07 pm

    How about mixing the painkillers and the vodka – then you won’t remember who you even voted for.

  28. Grandy  •  Nov 6, 2012 @12:07 pm

    Specter VR >>> Halo (any of them).

  29. Trebuchet  •  Nov 6, 2012 @1:23 pm

    Stella Artois and Bud Light are products of the same company. I gotta ask: Was that intentional?

  30. TheGeek  •  Nov 6, 2012 @1:33 pm

    IPA?? gag.

  31. the other rob  •  Nov 6, 2012 @1:37 pm

    There seems to be a distinct trend emerging: it seems that many Johnson voters prefer single malt whisky.

  32. Chris R.  •  Nov 6, 2012 @2:14 pm

    Wait no one voted for Roseanne Barr?

  33. Sean  •  Nov 6, 2012 @2:18 pm

    Johnson voter here, and I'll be drinking Evan Williams bourbon whiskey. Cheap, but good.

  34. Ae Viescas  •  Nov 6, 2012 @4:02 pm

    @Chris R. Isn't she only on the ballot in like four states? Sure wasn't on mine.

  35. wgering  •  Nov 6, 2012 @4:09 pm

    @Chris R.: shocking, right?

    One of the shitty things about living in California: I know people who fit that Obama-voter description perfectly.

  36. Nicholas Weaver  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:14 pm

    Stone Pale Ale, Breaking Bad on the TV, and completely ignoring the "as they come in" horserace crap…

  37. Jess  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:35 pm

    @politics you so depressing

  38. Mercury  •  Nov 6, 2012 @6:55 pm

    Stella is the PBR of the EU BTW.

  39. M.  •  Nov 6, 2012 @9:47 pm

    I hate both Stella Artois and Bud Light. Seriously, why is watery, tasteless beer so popular? If you hate the taste of beer so much, don't drink it!

  40. Kirk Taylor  •  Nov 7, 2012 @6:43 pm

    Ardbeg is an awesome idea! Oh wait, they close the liquor stores on election day in my neck of the woods!

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