The Road To Popehat: Popehat Branding Edition

Humor

It's time for the Road to Popehat, the feature in which we check out the traffic logs, look at the searches that brought you here, and . . . you know what? At this point I'd normally say something snide like "wonder if Thorazine is covered under Obamacare" or "watch the Walking Dead for ideas on barricading structures to defendant against mindless zombies," but I've realized that I'm doing this all wrong. Thanks to repeated exposure to marketeers, I now realize that every search that brings someone to Popehat is a branding opportunity — a chance to alter our product to satisfy what the customers want. These people shouldn't be mocked. These people are giving us invaluable market data.

OK. Let's give this a try.

argumentative essay about some believe anti-islam film should to be free speech and others believe has to be censored: Yes! Here at Popehat, we will write your high school civics essays for you.

what family in the u.s.owns a well-known chain of discounts stores and is one of the richest families in the wirld: Sure, if you need help watching Jeopardy, we're here for you. That's the Popehat promise!

legal implecation effecting on wimpy: Yeah, okay. If you're at Yale Law and you need help, we'll see what we can do.

read gawker sites without going to them: Yes! We at Popehat are at the forefront of helping Redditors adjust to people on the internet criticizing them.

how to get rid of fucktards on facebook: Absolutely! At Popehat, we can help you find safe and legal methods, such as unfriending and closing the browser window and thus-and-such.

silenced pistol hunting: Yeah, okay, we're still going to have to recommend the unfriending instead, but we hear you and we at Popehat are all about respecting your strong feelings.

kenneth nice yelling: That you! We at Popehat are all about cultivating feedback and responding to it.

ai shit on the law of pope: I'm sorry if Popehat's legal suggestions have left you unsatisfied. We're committed to making you a satisfied customer.

choking on grapes statistics: Well, we're just shooting from the hip here, but we at Popehat think that maybe you shouldn't try to eat the grape statistics in the first place.

wat r da benefits of oatmeals: Yes! Popehat has a remedial language program. Thank you for asking.

popehat for pets: Oh . . . oh my God. This is the best branding idea ever. This is genius market segmentation. David, Grandy, I want "Popehat for Pets" live by next Monday. The pony stuff alone will be HUGE traffic. And "snort my taint" — it's absolute fucking synchronicity.

how to handle rude and unmanner behavior of mother in law: We at Popehat all have perfectly wonderful mothers-in-law and find your question inconceivable. However, I'm going to put you on our chat line with the Facebook guy above.

defamation for calling someone a dick: Yes! We at Popehat are . . . uh . . . okay. The customer is always right. But it's possible that the sorts of services we provide aren't ideally suited to you. Our core product is really aimed more at the free-speech-advocate. Can I offer you something in a "speech is not tyranny" post?

how to get a court order to take down a defamatory blog: Screw this. You losers are on your own.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

17 Comments

17 Comments

  1. Boxy  •  Oct 24, 2012 @1:59 pm

    Is there a tag for posts about Popehat selling out yet?

  2. Analee  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:05 pm

    wat r da benefits of oatmeals

    They make dipshit lawyers named Charles Carreon look really really bad?

  3. TJIC  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:13 pm

    > ai shit on the law of pope

    While it's true that my science fiction novel features both Artificial Intelliegence ** and ** a special envoy from the Vatican, the two threads barely intersect at all, and certainly not in this way.

  4. TJIC  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:15 pm

    > how to handle rude and unmanner behavior of mother in law:

    I've got a friend who used a stun gun.

    Apparently that worked – ahem – stunningly well in the short term, but it resulted in legal problems.

    As another plug for my preferred legal system: let the record show that under anarcho-capitalism it is ENTIRELY legal to use a stun-gun on your mother-in-law, and might even be a good idea, provided that you contract with a better armed private security contracting firm than she does.

  5. TJIC  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:17 pm

    OK, last one:

    > defamation for calling someone a dick

    The town attorney here in Arlington threatened to sue me for defamation for calling him a drunkard.

    That lawsuit ended up going nowhere after he was FOUND BY THE POLICE passed out drunk in an idling car with a young companion.

    100% cross-my-heart true story.

  6. Rogier  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:27 pm

    Best Popehat post ever.

  7. Kevin  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:30 pm

    @Ken

    Yes! We at Popehat are at the forefront of helping Redditors adjust to people on the internet criticizing them.

    Sigh…… still sticking with this narrative about Reddit I see?

    Look, I agree with your general point about the trend of people thinking that internet anonymity entitles them to be free from criticism… the whole "speech is tyranny" thing… I'm totally on board with you on that general point. But just because you have a really nice hammer doesn't mean Reddit is a nail. That's just not what the recent reddit drama was actually about.

  8. Ken  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:38 pm

    I'm sorry. Henceforth I will try to treat Redditors with the same seriousness and dignity and respect and fairness that everyone receives in Road to Popehat posts.

  9. Ken  •  Oct 24, 2012 @2:40 pm

    Also, I believe that the MLA Handbook says that you cannot start a comment with "Sigh . . . ." unless you have first started one with "Um . . . ."

  10. Kevin  •  Oct 24, 2012 @3:01 pm

    Mocking my language usage is clearly a case of harassment/defamation/intentional infliction of emotional distress.

    GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY

  11. Joe Pullen  •  Oct 24, 2012 @3:31 pm

    Personally, I still think your own "taint" fragrance is the pinnacle of Popehat branding. To the good guys, it smells great. To the censorious bad guys it smells a like a combination of pony “output”, rotting rutabagas, and Pepé Le Pew.

    http://imageshack.us/a/img824/4734/slide1ex.png

  12. PhilG  •  Oct 24, 2012 @4:13 pm

    >silenced pistol hunting

    All those poor silenced pistols, killed for sport. When will people wake up and realize silenced pistols are God's creatures too and we should be honored to share the earth with them!

  13. TJIC  •  Oct 24, 2012 @4:22 pm

    > your own "taint" fragrance … To the good guys, it smells great.

    Up until this moment I thought I was a good guy.

    Now I know better.

  14. tsrblke  •  Oct 24, 2012 @5:52 pm

    I feel like this just calls out for a "what's your road to popehat" comments.
    (BTW, mine was "Burzynski sues people." Seriously, well I think it was just Burzynski sues.)

  15. M.  •  Oct 25, 2012 @3:41 am

    I wish you'd make this a weekly, or at least bi-weekly, feature.

  16. AlphaCentauri  •  Oct 25, 2012 @5:53 am

    I'm guessing the "ai shit on law of pope" was someone hitting "enter" while fumbling around trying to type "population" and seeing an interesting entry in the Google results.

  17. Kelly  •  Oct 26, 2012 @6:44 am

    I agree with M. this really should be a weekly/bi-weekly feature. Priceless.