Somewhere, Away From The Ponies

Fun

Hello ,

My name is Ema and I am an Advertising Buyer for TravelOutreacher.net. I am contacting you on behalf of a client I work with in the travel industry. I’d like to inquire about a possible advertising opportunity on your site http://popehat.com.

Does your site offer advertising options? If so, would you be interested in discussing rates and availability?

Sincerely,

Ema Lastname

[email address]

P.S. If you’re not the appropriate contact for this inquiry, could you please redirect me to a colleague whom I may speak to regarding this request?

My dear Ema,

Thank you very much for your inquiry. As a matter of fact, we at Popehat have recently turned our thoughts again to accepting advertising. We have been trying the Amazon Associates Program, but have discovered that the results are less robust than we hoped. This may be that the forms of entertainment our readers prefer are not available on Amazon as a consequence of being felonious in most of these continental United States. Do you know if Amazon has an associate program in Somalia?

So: we are delighted at the prospect of accepting travel-related ads, and look forward to a long and fruitful relationship.

But I regret that I must add a caveat.

Ema, Popehat initially began soliciting ponies as payment for site-based advertising. This led to some rather harrowing realizations about ponies, realizations that prolonged and rather arcane study has only confirmed.

We are just men here, Ema. We do not pretend to be better than anyone else. But no man is an island. We exist in a community, a community that includes — to the extent certain laws and residency restrictions permit — our readers.

As members of that community, we cannot in good conscience accept travel advertising that might tempt our readers to imperil themselves vis-a-vis ponies.

Map Key: 1 pony = EXTREME VIOLENCE

There are still havens, Ema, new Edens and bucolic locales untroubled by ponies, where a man can walk down a country lane without fear. But the other places — the other places — this is difficult, but I must. The other places belong to the ponies now. I could not live with myself if some innocent visited Popehat and followed one of your advertisements and went to some wretched pony-infested place like, for instance, Tampa. They might come back, Ema, but they would come back something else, something Other.

Therefore, we must insist that any advertising arrangement between us include guarantees and stipulations and provisos that you will only serve our customers with advertisements regarding travel to locations that score lower than 3 on the LUUUPV (Level of Unjustified Uncontrollable Unacceptable Pony Violence) Index.

The level above severe is called "paddock."

Make no mistake — a man can come a cropper visiting a 2.5 if he hasn't his wits about him. We don't approve of readers abdicating all personal responsibility. But a hot zone like a 4 or a 5? I can't look my children in the eye if I let that happen, Ema, not even my child who only has one eye to begin with.

Let me know if you need help navigating any of the more reputable LUUUPV rating sites, Ema. I know that some can be somewhat eccentric.

I eagerly await your response.

Very truly yours,

Ken

P.S. Sorry, just saw your P.S. Never mind, ask Patrick.

Charts by the awesome @StephanieWDC, digital miscreant and creator of www.stephaniewdc.com

Last 5 posts by Ken White

26 Comments

26 Comments

  1. John Burgess  •  Oct 5, 2012 @3:00 pm

    Yes, please. Continue to warn people away from the ponies in Tampa. They've been known to clean out wallets in under two minutes.

    http://www.tampabay.com/multimedia/archive/00052/tbdowns-450_52913c.jpg

  2. Paul  •  Oct 5, 2012 @3:11 pm

    This could be the greatest blog post. Of. All. Time.

    I will be laughing at this:
    " I can't look my children in the eye if I let that happen, Ema, not even my child who only has one eye to begin with."
    for quite some time.

  3. M.  •  Oct 5, 2012 @3:38 pm

    To whom do I send the ER bill for suctioning sugar cookie out of my sinuses and lungs?

  4. Shane  •  Oct 5, 2012 @3:40 pm

    Website hosting – $225
    Traffic Monitoring -$50
    Ability to send boring sales people snarky responses in all seriousness – Priceless.

    :) Soldier on, my friend, soldier on.

  5. Bear  •  Oct 5, 2012 @3:40 pm

    "We have been trying the Amazon Associates Program, but have discovered that the results are less robust than we hoped. This may be that the forms of entertainment our readers prefer are not available on Amazon as a consequence of being felonious in most of these continental United States."

    Ah. _That's_ why my Associates payments have been [edited for good taste... as opposed to paste taste] low. I should have taken the hint from the search engine hits looking for "animal sex" and bestiality vacations". (Wish I was kidding, but because of a couple of posts poking fun at the Florida anti-pig-sex law, I got… more of said visitor than I needed.)

  6. Amber  •  Oct 5, 2012 @5:25 pm

    typo in the second graphic.

  7. Meghan  •  Oct 5, 2012 @5:58 pm

    I believe that I have just suffered a pony-related injury.

  8. Matthew Cline  •  Oct 5, 2012 @6:04 pm

    Why did you respond to a straight question about advertizing similarly to how you respond to requests for advertising disguised as "guest blogging"?

  9. Beth  •  Oct 5, 2012 @6:26 pm

    I thought the Australian pony had horns. Upon closer inspection, it's a hat, which is a relief. Ponies are dangerous enough without goring implements.

    Although I suppose there could be horns under the hat…

  10. wgering  •  Oct 5, 2012 @6:37 pm

    Every time you do one of these I feel compelled to read "Equus" again.

    *shudders*

  11. Artor  •  Oct 5, 2012 @7:14 pm

    PONY 2012!

    I really hope you get an appropriate response to this. My mind boggles, just trying to imagine what an appropriate response might be.

  12. G Thompson  •  Oct 5, 2012 @10:43 pm

    There are no words… though this picture may help

    http://geekhideout.net/post/30807319089

  13. Dustin  •  Oct 6, 2012 @7:09 am

    Wow

  14. KJaye  •  Oct 6, 2012 @9:17 am

    "Make no mistake — a man can come a cropper visiting a 2.5 if he hasn't his wits about him."
    I've been laughing about this since I read it yesterday. God, that's good stuff.

  15. nlp  •  Oct 6, 2012 @10:44 am

    @Matthew Cline, I'm just guessing of course, because only Ken knows the workings of his wonderful mind, but I suspect that he responds to advertising queries and guest blog queries with a discussion about ponies for the same reason that The Bloggess responds to advertising email that gushes about what pantyhose the Kardashians wear with a picture of Wil Weaton collating paper: it's spam bot. If advertisers looked at the actual sites they would realize that Popehat does not accept advertising nor guest blogs, and The Bloggess is not a mommy blog that discusses pantyhose.

    And, of course, it's also funny.

    But this is only my guess.

  16. Bearman Cartoons  •  Oct 6, 2012 @1:32 pm

    I want to hear patrick's response

  17. Deborah McKenna  •  Oct 6, 2012 @3:43 pm

    Brilliant. Hilarious.

  18. Kriegzilla  •  Oct 6, 2012 @4:21 pm

    Just in case I won't be visiting Assateague Island anytime soon.

    On a slightly different take, if they take it in the spirit that it's intended and play along then they might be worth doing business with … Just saying. Just imagine a travel agency that didn't recommend pony hot spots, could be a real, and safe business differentiator.

  19. Hughhh  •  Oct 7, 2012 @4:41 am

    Confirming that it is, in fact, spam: http://www.google.com/search?q="TravelOutreacher.net"

  20. Hughhh  •  Oct 7, 2012 @4:49 am

    Dagnabbit. http://www.google.com/search?q="TravelOutreacher.net"

  21. Hughhh  •  Oct 7, 2012 @4:50 am

    Oh for god's sake.

  22. Grifter  •  Oct 7, 2012 @6:17 am

    I think it'll work if you do this: Here.

    Or this: https://www.google.com/search?q=TravelOutreacher.net

    I think it's the quotation marks (which Google doesn't technically require) that mess it up. But we'll see if it actually shows up correctly, or if I'm off-base.

  23. Docrailgun  •  Oct 8, 2012 @6:59 am

    Why do you hate ponies so?

    Free Luna!

  24. mojo  •  Oct 8, 2012 @12:05 pm

    "Nobody move or the pony get it!"

  25. Pony  •  Oct 9, 2012 @1:41 pm

    Mr. Ken A. Popehat,

    Your website contains libelious statements about me, a pony. Their hurtful comments, and slander the good name of ponies everywhere. Furthermore; they illegally interphere with my ability to work. You've put me in fear for my life. I demand that these attacks be taken down at once. I have spoken with a couple lawyers and they all say you're breaking laws. Torturous interference with contracts. Lies. Emotional abuse. IF YOu do not take down your post, I will have you sued for everything you have.

    Respectfully,

    P. O. Ny

  26. Kathleen Hoppe  •  Nov 1, 2012 @3:08 pm

    Thanks to you, I knew these were a threat to my son's safety today. god bless the internet. http://bit.ly/TeqOYu