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The Road to Popehat: Oh My God, You Freaks, Leave Me Alone Edition

Sep 19, 2012
By .
Effluvia

It's time for the The Road to Popehat, the feature in which we look at the traffic logs, see what searches brought you here, and think to ourselves "how much would it really cost to install a panic room?"

This week: in the name of all that is holy, what is wrong with you people?

dirty whore Ken: Hey, now. Wear something nice when you come at me saying that. Or, you know, bring a muffin. A muffin works.

ON CALL PENIS: Go away. Just . . . just go away. Go away please.

www sexy pope images com: REALLY. Go away. I have a gun.

how would Christ respond to restraining order: Okay. That's a little better. Uh . . . "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, unto God what is God's, and unto your lawyer what is your lawyer's."

ethnic background of nakoula basseley nakoula: Swedish.

bestiality sex monk: You know, I'm not sure I'm going to like the prestige classes in the new edition of D&D.

i get angry watching my son play soccer: Me too. OFFSIDES? BULLSHIT. THERE'S NO WAY THAT WAS OFFSIDES.

popecrimes: I didn't choose the Popehat life. The Popehat life chose me.

police brutality videos 2012: I wish I could believe this person is a libertarian, instead of a fetishist.

what is the name of government that protects corporations: "government"

do hamsters have to go to school: Awwww. That's kind of sweet. Maybe it's a kid searching. You know, I exaggerated. This isn't so bad.

children masturbating with Jabba the Hutt dolls: OH COME ON NOW!

Last 5 posts by Ken White

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29 Comments

  1. Wil  •  Sep 19, 2012 @4:40 pm

    So those are the worst search terms?

    Challenge accepted!

  2. John Ammon  •  Sep 19, 2012 @4:45 pm

    Haha. That is awesome.

  3. Jake  •  Sep 19, 2012 @4:53 pm

    Henceforth, I shall reach popehat via a bookmarked google search.

  4. TJIC  •  Sep 19, 2012 @5:25 pm

    > ON CALL PENIS: Go away. Just . . . just go away. Go away please.

    Slow down there, Ken.

    Didn't you even inquire as to what the retainer is?

  5. Hal 10000  •  Sep 19, 2012 @5:46 pm

    For some reason, every blog I write for is reached by searches for "lesbians kissing". I seriously don't write about that. I mean, not all the time.

  6. azteclady  •  Sep 19, 2012 @5:58 pm

    I was relatively okay until that last one.

    Gah

  7. Joe Pullen  •  Sep 19, 2012 @6:06 pm

    I have been waiting for this and have been laughing my ass off – at least what is left of it.

    However be aware in the South, the answer to "what is the name of government that protects corporations:" is not "government" but is officially pronounced "gubbanment". Which is sort of a weird amalgamation of the words bubba and government. Which further translated, simply means your buddy whose tractor pulled the councilman’s Cadillac out of the Lake Palestine tributary after a night of whooping it up with a few “ladies” from the “Time Out Tavern” can now ask for pretty much any local government concessions he wants. Also known as the redneck version of blackmail.

  8. Maggie McNeill  •  Sep 19, 2012 @6:09 pm

    Discounting "Honest Courtesan" and various spellings and misspellings of my name, the #1 search of all time which lands on my blog is "rhinoceros". I swear, really; do a Google image search and see for yourself. "Hells Angels" and "sofa bed" are pretty high up there, too. But I must admit my favorite one is "Maggie McNeill nude".

  9. James Pollock  •  Sep 19, 2012 @7:20 pm

    "snort my taint" didn't make the cut? Is somebody cybersquatting on it?

  10. Thad  •  Sep 19, 2012 @7:53 pm

    Is it weird that the one I find most irksome is "www sexy pope images com"?

    WHY ARE YOU TYPING AN URL INTO A SEARCH ENGINE?

  11. James Pollock  •  Sep 19, 2012 @9:03 pm

    Thad, modern browsers support search directly from the address line. This means that if you mistype the URL (say, by inserting spaces), you get a search instead.

  12. nlp  •  Sep 19, 2012 @9:18 pm

    You made up the last one,didn't you. (Please note that there is no question mark at the end of that sentence).

  13. wgering  •  Sep 19, 2012 @9:36 pm

    Hey, I was just looking for advice on how to spec my Ranger/Bestiality Sex Monk for 5E!

    What bothers me most about that is the redundancy of "bestiality sex."
    I maintain that there should in fact be two separate prestige classes: the Bestiality Monk and the Sex Monk.

    Also, it gives a whole new meaning to the monk's "Iron Fist" ability.

    OT: did they even have monks in 4E? I don't remember seeing them in the Player's Handbook. I'm still running 3.5.

  14. Zachary  •  Sep 19, 2012 @9:54 pm

    I will admit to doing stuff like this occasionally. I will think of the wierdest, most random (occasionally, most offensive) things I can think of, and try to find google results containing these terms. One of the top ones for me (being an engineering student) is 'adiabatic isentropic spherical frictionless cow'… which is a really specific subset of cow but apparently exists.

  15. Sunioc  •  Sep 19, 2012 @10:05 pm

    And now you are the top 2 search results for "children masturbating with Jabba the Hutt dolls".

  16. AlphaCentauri  •  Sep 19, 2012 @10:28 pm

    I hope everyone is using elite proxies when they test out that Jabba the Hutt search — ugh.

  17. scav  •  Sep 20, 2012 @3:00 am

    I think the Jabba thing takes on a slightly different connotation depending on whether people are looking for alarmist product-recall stories, or videos.

    But either way, WTF. I don't really want to know.

  18. AlphaCentauri  •  Sep 20, 2012 @6:05 am

    Ah, it looks like they were looking for this:
    http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0899/jar.html

    LandoverBaptist.org is a parody of Westboro Baptist Church's drivel. But it's also the poster child for Poe's law.

  19. M.  •  Sep 20, 2012 @7:24 am

    They see me trollin'; they be hatin'.

  20. David  •  Sep 20, 2012 @7:29 am

    Yikes. I'm glad I'm not associated with your creepy freak-magnetic website.

  21. Albert Freeman  •  Sep 20, 2012 @10:48 am

    bestiality sex monk

    Gives new meaning to "Flurry of Blows" …

  22. Tarrou  •  Sep 20, 2012 @10:50 am

    Why does this site keep popping up when I run my daily searches for "On call Penis"? I'm job hunting here, people, I don't have time to read lawyer stuff!

  23. M.  •  Sep 20, 2012 @11:34 am

    Oh, and I'm reminded that MundoFox is the most egregious insult to the collective intelligence of this country since the red scare.

  24. wgering  •  Sep 20, 2012 @5:30 pm

    @Albert Freeman: more like "Furry of Blows," amiright?

  25. Josh M.  •  Sep 21, 2012 @7:38 am

    @wgering You see those things that just defenestrated themselves while screaming and attempting to puncture their own eardrums? Those were your speaking privileges.

  26. somebody  •  Sep 21, 2012 @11:01 am

    The one about Jesus and restraining orders is interesting to think about. Jesus's enemies tried many times to shut him up before they finally just executed him, but I'm not sure they ever used a court order to muzzle him. If they had, it could have led to a very good (or very bad) biblical lesson about civil disobedience.

  27. Jinnayah  •  Sep 22, 2012 @7:04 pm

    Ken — you'll be happy to know that you have by now written a post which is the first Google hit for charles nesson crazy.

    Actually, you'd written it even before you had reason to vow you would write it … Apparently hits #1-3 of May 2009 have given up the ghost.

    Yes, some of us start reading the archives when we come across something THIS bats**t. Thanks!

  28. Robert White  •  Sep 22, 2012 @8:18 pm

    @wgering : There are a lot of sex monk classes, so the word had to go somewhere in the class name as a disambiguator. Just as "combat mage" is redundant in D&D since all classes have combat stats.

    ASIDE: All are warned _NOT_ to google "F.A.T.A.L. rpg" nor to read any material you find on that topic should you so search. Particularly avoid the word "circumference" as a search adjunct word.

  29. M.  •  Sep 22, 2012 @8:42 pm

    @Robert White: As someone who frequently drops medical terms along with "don't google that" in casual conversation, I'm not googling that.

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