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Play That Funky Music, Spammer

Jun 25, 2012
By .
Fun

Hi Ken,

I'm getting in touch with you because I'm interested in writing an article for your blog. I came across your blog post popehat.com while writing for a website on music production. During my research, I've found an increasing focus in terms of design as the tools and technology available today improve our ability to customize how create music and collaborate as musicians

Please let me know if you'd be interested in an article this topic. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,

Sarah (sarahjthompson5@gmail.com)

Dear Sarah,

I am very interested in music production, and the tools and technology involved in music production.

More specifically, I am interested in the music of the spheres. Would you be able to write a post on the increasing focus in terms of design vis a vis sphere-related music?

I cannot sufficiently emphasize the importance of this request. A previous correspondent offered to write an article about the production of the music of the spheres, but ultimately delivered an article about playing rhombus music. A rhombus isn't even three-dimensional, Sarah. The article was so bad I had to run it on a weekend.

I await with eagerness your proposal.

Very truly yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

P.S. Hypercube-related music is also acceptable. But you'll have to dumb it down a bit. My readers . . . well, enough said.

Note: Sarah is a spammer with a wide array of interests.

Previous fun with spammers here and here.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

25 Comments
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25 Comments

  1. Chris R.  •  Jun 25, 2012 @5:58 pm

    Sarah's mind was blown.

  2. Aaron Mason  •  Jun 25, 2012 @6:05 pm

    Love it when spammers shoot themselves in the foot by not doing their research first.

    Rings familiar with the story of a company who makes Ethernet firewalls getting a free monthly magazine for fire protection systems – some poor sap bought the wrong list of potential clients.

  3. Joe  •  Jun 25, 2012 @6:14 pm

    “But you'll have to dumb it down a bit. My readers . . . well, enough said.”

    Why, I Do Believe I Have Been Subjected To A “NOTE” Of Sarcasm!

  4. Carl "Bear" Bussjaeger  •  Jun 25, 2012 @6:26 pm

    I like string-theory quartets, myself. They're up to 11 dimensions now.

  5. HeatherCat  •  Jun 25, 2012 @6:27 pm

    And with that, my son just had to inform me as to what 'Rhombus music' really sounds like…
    …apparently, it sounds kind of like dubstep, or at least in the mind of a 7 yr old boy it does. LOL

  6. Ken  •  Jun 25, 2012 @6:27 pm

    Forgot this one. http://www.popehat.com/2011/03/30/we-get-letters/

  7. William McAleese  •  Jun 25, 2012 @6:28 pm

    No spammer can hande Gulivers Travels references. Swift is their kryptonite .

  8. Manolo the Shoeblogger  •  Jun 25, 2012 @7:10 pm

    The Manolo has received this email from the Sarah spammer. It is typical of its species, which is the offer of the guest blog post is made to the blogger. This guest post will invariably contain links to the commerce site of the spammer.

    Although this particular one was poorly executed, the Manolo imagines that it succeeds often enough to justify the effort.

  9. Matthew  •  Jun 25, 2012 @7:27 pm

    For spherical music, you want Michael Nyman or Jas Mann from Babylon Zoo:

  10. Peachkins  •  Jun 25, 2012 @7:45 pm

    Reading her letter made my head hurt. If you're going to spam others for a living, at least learn proper grammar and punctuation. On the plus side, the reply was priceless. Many thanks for including the links to previous posts. Your response to "Anna" and your interaction with "Cindy" were some of the funniest things that I've read in a long time.

  11. Allen  •  Jun 25, 2012 @8:14 pm

    Dear Sir,

    Though you have not specifically requested my services I have indeed solved your problem. I have developed a physics based model that should provide the music to your ears.

    First, let me describe the model. Instead of a sphere, I have used a truncated icosahedron (your basic soccer ball) where the sound vector is normal to the surface. Obviously, I used the classic "attorney in the middle" as the point of reference, and the sound vectors are randomly distributed recordings of a fire engine, ambulance, and police car at each surface.

    To be accurate, and include Doppler effects, I need to know one thing. Are your potential clients (the sirens) moving away from you, the observer, or towards you?

    Best Regards

    I couldn't resist.

  12. eigenperson  •  Jun 25, 2012 @8:30 pm

    Dear Ken from Popehat, Esq.,

    I was recently informed of your gratuitous and untrue slanders against me and my masterpiece, "Further Notes on the Music of the Rhombic Dodecahedron," which I submitted to your website on or around 12 May 2012 and which was never published.

    In your most recent post you claim that I submitted an article on "rhombus music" that was so bad you had to run it on the weekend. This is a lie, the promulgation of which is likely to damage my reputation as an expert on legal issues relating to the music of the zonohedra, even though you never mentioned my name in connection with the article. As though I would ever write about a two-dimensional object — a mere shape! Pfeh! In addition, by confusing it with the lowly rhombus, your post constitutes a heinous insult to the dignity of the magnificent rhombic dodecahedron, widely known as the King of the Archimedean Duals. Also, my article was excellent, and you never published it at all, let alone on the weekend.

    In addition, your website features a threat against me hidden in the source code of every single page! To wit, you wrote that you would !DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" me. I don't actually know what this means but I am pretty sure it is actionable.

    I demand immediate compensation in the form of a hagiography of the truncated octahedron, written in dactylic hexameter, to be no shorter than 3 pages in length (single spaced). This document must be posted on your blog. You must also forward a copy of this document to your local bar association. Otherwise, I will sue every charity you have ever donated to.

    With love,

    Eugenius P. Blowhard
    Senior Partner, Blowhard, Blowhard, and Hoogabooga, LLP

  13. Maggie McNeill  •  Jun 25, 2012 @8:59 pm

    I got one from Sarah today, too. Day before yesterday I got a similar email from an unusually persistent, but otherwise similar one who keeps noting that I haven't replied to her last one. I usually just discard them, but next time I'll try to channel Ken to write an amusing reply.

  14. GeekChick  •  Jun 26, 2012 @12:43 am

    Ah delightful! Almost as good as HP Lovecrafting Nigerian scammers.

  15. CLH  •  Jun 26, 2012 @5:15 am

    Hey, I'm a reader on this blog!

    What's a rhombus?

  16. PhilG  •  Jun 26, 2012 @6:02 am

    I preferred Cube to Hypercube, Hypercube left me feeling a little damp.

    (I hate myself a little for that joke.)

  17. doug  •  Jun 26, 2012 @6:18 am

    Sphere music rocks!

  18. Nicholas Weaver  •  Jun 26, 2012 @6:41 am

    I'm dissapointed. I got the same spam, replied with a just "I'm interested, tell me more" and got nothing. :(

  19. Bill H  •  Jun 26, 2012 @8:56 am

    Hey, I'm a reader on this blog!

    What's a rhombus?

    Well, IIRC it's a bus that rhoms. Sort of like a tour bus. All the big bus builders like Mercedes Benz and Setra make them, and lots of spherical musicians own them. Far more comfortable than a school bus.

  20. Tsarina of Tsocks  •  Jun 26, 2012 @8:56 am

    People, people, people. The late great Douglas Adams provided the definitive explanation of the music of the spheres in Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency; all further speculation on the subject is moot. How quickly they forget.

    (Uh-oh – did I just disqualify myself from reading this blog? As a knitter I probably know too much about polyhedrons. Dang.)

  21. GDad  •  Jun 26, 2012 @9:33 am

    Ken,

    You're missing the boat with Hypercube music. For the full effect, you need TIME CUBE music.

  22. HeatherCat  •  Jun 26, 2012 @9:40 am

    @GDad is onto something there… Time cube music would be most awesome indeed.

  23. En Passant  •  Jun 26, 2012 @6:45 pm

    Carl "Bear" Bussjaeger wrote on Jun 25, 2012 @6:26 pm:

    I like string-theory quartets, myself. They're up to 11 dimensions now.
    I much prefer the classical period, such as Mozart's recently discovered work on elementary particle annihilation, Pi Mesonic Funeral Music.

  24. Delvan  •  Jun 29, 2012 @1:43 pm

    "Is the red planet Mars like the crimson eye of Cerebus?" [/sphere_music_fan]

  25. Gidget Devenecia  •  Aug 21, 2012 @6:27 pm

    A young guy I know will be getting out of the Army Reserve soon. He's had a couple deployment to Iraq and he's being told by a VA representative that they can guarantee him a 40% disability. Believe it or not, he told them no. He told me there's not a thing wrong with him and doesn't feel he should get the money. Vilmar, you once posted about so many military guys getting disability. This is why. They're being told to apply for it and are getting it.