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That's A Net +0 Klout To Associate

Jun 15, 2012
By .
Law Practice

Off this morning to Court of Appeal for oral argument. Newest associate accompanies me to watch; it's her first appellate argument. June gloom looms, thankfully preventing me from sweating through my chunky-times suit on the walk there off Bunker Hill through Pershing Square.

I surrender iPhone and iPod to courtroom security. Within minutes, the symptoms of Deconnectivity Syndrome set in — hands shaking, eye twitching, nervous lip-licking. I drive a sharpened pen cap into my palm and put the game face on.

I make it through a very brief argument, resisting the urge to make arguments the judges don't need or want to hear. Afterwards, my associate admits that midway through my argument in this ornate and quite lovely appellate courtroom in a newish building on Spring Street, a huge bug crawled across her foot. She might have jumped up and screamed, she said, but didn't.

I am torn.

+1 to associate for stereotype-resisting and decorum. -1 Klout to associate for lack of sense of theatricality, depriving partner of opportunity to spread my arms wide and go "WHAT KIND OF GODDAMN COURT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE, ANYWAY?" to judges.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

15 Comments
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15 Comments

  1. TJIC  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:13 am

    > I make it through a very brief argument, resisting the urge to make arguments the judges don't need or want to hear.

    This is why I could never be a lawyer.

  2. Ken  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:14 am

    That, and certain judgmental State Bar rules.

  3. Scott Jacobs  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:15 am

    Hell, I wanna here these un-used arguments…

  4. Jeff  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:17 am

    I would give it +1 net assuming your associate was never given notice that the "jump and scream" would have carried any upside. You should explain the importance of theatrics to your associates ahead of time (although don't belabor it to the point where they will fake it).

  5. TJIC  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:21 am

    > That, and certain judgmental State Bar rules.

    On the bright side, small claims court remains an uncredentialed, anarchic free-for-all. Mailed out 60 threats a week ago, $600 already back in my pocket from just two of them.

  6. Scott Jacobs  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:44 am

    God Damnit, Ken.

    You bolded the internet.

  7. Scott Jacobs  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:54 am

    Never mind. It fixed itself…

  8. Ken  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:56 am

    I'm glad that adjusting the tinfoil worked.

  9. Dan Irving  •  Jun 15, 2012 @11:33 am

    >I make it through a very brief argument, resisting the urge to make arguments the judges don't need or want to hear.

    >This is why I could never be a lawyer.

    My teenage daughter has the power to hack in and disable my 'resist the urge' button. She can derail my tirade with a single word thereby enabling her to play the 'victim' or 'self-righteous indignation' card.

  10. Jess  •  Jun 15, 2012 @12:16 pm

    What kind of bug was it? If it was a spider I would have given her 100 points because if it was a spider I would have literally jumped up on the table and done the spider dance. The spider dance in case you have not witnessed one consists of wild flapping of the arms and hands in attempt to dislodge the creature and is often accompanied by loud screams – sort of like the dancing and screaming I imagine you might see during a Southern Pentecostal revival meeting.

    Now, I have a theory that spiders know I am terrified of them and so therefore they are attracted to me – it amuses them to scare me. I have had far too many encounters to believe otherwise. One where the spider was in my car and dropped down from the ceiling on a web alongside the drivers window, which normally would not have been too much of an issue except for the fact I was actually driving at the time. I’m sure I terrified the surrounding drivers as I attempted to tear off one of my shoes in order to whack the living shit out of the spider while also striving to stay inside the little white lines on the road during rush hour traffic.

    Then there was my Nissan 240Z – a nifty hot little black sports car in which apparently the insulated door hinge was considered by Mr. and Mrs. Spider to be the ideal home to raise their hundreds of disgusting little offspring who then decided it would be even more ideal to relocate to the inside of the car and scare the living daylights out of me. I can just hear them now spider #1 – “did you see how high that lady jumped” spider #2 “yeah did you hear how loud she screamed” . I subsequently renamed the car the spider-mobile. It took 2 days to get rid of all of the spiders.

    However the incident that most stands out in my mind is when we went camping, we were all sitting around the campfire and I feel this tickle across my arm which went away so I ignored it. Next thing I know – tickle on my face and I’m eyeball to eyeball with a huge red daddy long legs. Yep – spider dance big time.

    So fair warning to all those stalker spiders – I may scream, I may do the spider dance, but I will smack the living shit out of you – literally – I shall have no mercy.

  11. David  •  Jun 15, 2012 @1:12 pm

    I've never had an issue with car spiders, but when I got my first car, it had a nest of yellowjackets living behind the driver's-side mirror. That was fun, if by fun you mean OH GOD NO GO AWAY WHERE'S THE RAID.

  12. Phoebe  •  Jun 15, 2012 @2:08 pm

    Ahh, car bugs. I had a palmetto bug (ie: really goddamn huge cockroach) pop out of a vent and sprint across the dashboard toward me.

    While driving, of course.

    I don't know how I had the presence of mind, but I grabbed the bottom of a full plastic bag of groceries on the passenger seat, shook it once to dislodge the contents, and then mashed the bug flat before it ducked into another crevice. I'm pretty sure I yelled "OH, HELL NO!" as I did it. And I didn't swerve.

  13. Victor Milán  •  Jun 15, 2012 @2:42 pm

    So you're really thinking of docking your associate a point for denying you the opportunity to enjoy that undoubtedly tasty and nutritious jail food all weekend on a contempt-of-court beef?

  14. John  •  Jun 15, 2012 @2:44 pm

    @Jess: You need to learn to sublimate, to formalize the chaotic, as they've done in Italy…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tarantella

  15. Jess  •  Jun 15, 2012 @3:03 pm

    Ah – the Italian "Spider Dance" – cute. Phoebe – you are braver than I am – I would not mess with one of those things because I'm pretty sure it could bench press me if it wanted to.