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How Ken Bought the City of Middleborough a New Police Car

Jun 14, 2012
By .
Irksome, WTF?

MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA – The residents of Middleborough have had enough of uncouth language such as the "f-word", "s-h-word", and "c-word".  On Monday night, they took ACTION.

"I'm sick of all these fucking teenagers fucking swearing all the god damn fucking time," shouted Mitchell "Mitchie" Winthrop,  spilling Bud Light all over his faded Patriots Jersey, "These fucking asshole kids need to learn some fucking RESPECT for their betters!"

And now they will, $20 at a time.

"I'm fucking telling you," shouted James "Jimmy Putnam, spilling Budweiser all over his Boston Red Sox Jersey, "Too many of these fucking little douche-fucks have mouths on them like fuckin' Jimmy fucking Rock or whoever that fucking black dude was.  You know who I'm talking about.  All eff-this and eff-that.  WELL FUCK HIM RIGHT IN HIS BLACK ASS.  Fucking idiot.  You know what'll happen if he shows up here in Middleborough…"

At this point Mr. Putnam waved his beer in the reporter's face, "HE'S GOING TO FUCKING PAY TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS, THAT'S WHAT."

Mr Putnam, still drinking his beer, then went into his 1996 faded blue Toyota Corolla and peeled out of the Stop n' Shop parking lot, nearly hitting a Hispanic family and cutting off several cars.

"Why the fuck are you talking to me, asshole?" queried Rebecca "Becky" Coolidge, as she was coming out of a Package Store, "Can't I fucking buy some god damn fucking Tequila at 1 in the afternoon from the Packie in some fucking peace?  Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, you fucking media types.  THIS IS A NICE TOWN GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.  You want to quote me? FUCK THE YANKEES."

Most citizens were supportive.

"When I was in middle school, our school counselor wanted to fucking stop all the fucking swearing," said Robert "Bobby" Cabot, spilling beer all over his Drew Bledsoe Patriots Jersey, "He replaced 'fuck' with… get this… fucking 'FUDGE'.  That year, everyone said Fudge.  Fudge This.  Fudge You.  Shove it up your Fudging Ass.  How about we go behind those dumpsters and Fudge like we hate each other?  MotherFudger.  Get a load of those Fudging MILKERS on that Fudging hottie.  I'd like to go back to that innocent time.  It's certainly better than the fucking bullshit we have fucking going on now."

William "Billy" Kennedy was less supportive.  "This used to be a great fucking town," he slurred, spilling Colt .45 all over his bare chest and the Bruins Tattoo covering it, "Used to be, you could fucking walk down the street and not worry about being fucking… ACCOSTED… by all the fucking swearing and that shitty fucking music blaring out of the fucking speakers. What is that shit anyway?  It's all fucking bass and some idiot with no pants is talking about shoes?  But I don't know if a fucking law is going to fucking fix it anyway.   The Mayor probably needs to find a new fucking way to cover his fucking mistress's clothing bills or else she'll reveal his weird fetish or some shit.  Which is bullshit of course, we all know Mickey likes feet.  It's no big fucking deal, that's a totally fucking vanilla fetish at this fucking point.  That fucking fat fuck Rex Ryan loves him some god damn feet. Fucking Ryan.  FUCK THE JETS."

On a point of clarification, the "gangsta" use of the "n-word" was disallowed under this ordinance.  The racial slur however, was still okay to use.

Last 5 posts by Derrick

20 Comments
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20 Comments

  1. Tam  •  Jun 15, 2012 @4:49 am

    I have been holding my breath awaiting the Official Popehat Response to this inane ordinance.

    I am not disappointed. :D

  2. CTrees  •  Jun 15, 2012 @5:02 am

    So, unless I'm off, I count 57 uses of variations of fuck, shit, or ass. Just over 10% of the words in the body of the article. Pretty good density!

  3. piperTom  •  Jun 15, 2012 @5:16 am

    There's only 47 fucks in there, Ken. That'll be $940, per… per reading? I'd guess a good copmobile would be $40K. So, you need 42+ readers in Middleborough. …make that 42 who will pay the fine. Not likely.

  4. Reformed Republican  •  Jun 15, 2012 @6:13 am

    Alternate headline: Middleborough Residents Declare "Fuck Free Speech"

  5. Randall  •  Jun 15, 2012 @6:13 am

    Insert Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man reference here

  6. ShelbyC  •  Jun 15, 2012 @6:14 am

    Good one with the "package store", but why put it in caps?

  7. Z  •  Jun 15, 2012 @6:42 am

    Shit, you pissant little cocksucking bastards, here's some damned gas money,

  8. Sean  •  Jun 15, 2012 @8:26 am

    This is the town over from the one I live in. Very few people have heard about it, strangely. Shame, I'd love to organize some sort of swear-in.

  9. Michael Andrew Baldelli  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:37 am

    Uhhh, Are you sure this was happening in Massachusetts? My experience living in New England once again is that this example is surprisingly low on the use of the words retard and retarded.

  10. Derrick  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:57 am

    I agree Michael, but I left the word out intentionally. It's uncouth.

  11. Stephen  •  Jun 15, 2012 @10:57 am

    @piperTom

    Derrick actually wrote the article. I see it as a Conan-esque ploy to spend all the overlords money before moving on to greener pastures.

    :shock:

    Does that mean Derrick is going to a less viewed blog but with better demographics?

  12. slambie  •  Jun 15, 2012 @11:41 am

    Holy fuck, this is fucking awesome.
    …I wonder if Portland has a fucking package store.

  13. Dan Irving  •  Jun 15, 2012 @12:29 pm

    I wonder what will happen when all those upstanding citizens Middleborough no longer have any fucks to give?

  14. slambie  •  Jun 15, 2012 @12:41 pm

    Fucking taint snorters.

  15. max  •  Jun 15, 2012 @12:43 pm

    M. Baldelli:

    Are you some kind of 'tard? The re- is only used when the adjective fuckin' precedes the word. Thus you should have noted a lack of the words 'tard and 'tarded.

    A person is a 'tard or a fuckin' retard. This law is 'tarded or fuckin' retarded. It can become confusing because a person might be a 'tarded fucker, got to watch that the adjective precedes the word.

    Also a New England usage note: the inclusion of the -g at the end of the word fuckin' indicates a strong emphasis, usually anger. Thus "I'm gonna beat the fucking shit of that 'tarded cocksucker" is a serious threat while "get you're fuckin' shit outta my fuckin' way, asswipe" is a friendly greeting.

  16. Laurie  •  Jun 15, 2012 @1:37 pm

    As a proud resident of Massachusetts, I'm afraid I must express my respectful disagreement with the Middleboro ordinance.

    As the upstanding citizens in Derrick's post rightly point out, no one wants their town dirtied with the sort of immature bullshit fucking language the ordinance is designed to fucking prevent. However, I fear the end result of such an ordinance will only be to give more goddamn attention to the kind of dickwad fucking behavior that is best ignored as the childish, cocksucking douchebaggery that it truly is.

    It is true, of course, that some of Middleboro's fucking infrastructure could absa-fucking-lutely use a motherfucking overhaul. And it never hurts to have some additional fucking revenue coming into a town's fucking coffers. But I fear said fucking revenue is outweighed by the bad publicity generated by the dickishly overbearing, speech-impeding nature of the goddamn ordinance.

    On a side note, I am happy to see though, that if the interviews in the post are any indication, we residents of Massachusetts can at least still agree on the most basic and foundational of principles: the Yankees fucking suck.

  17. Ancel De Lambert  •  Jun 15, 2012 @2:20 pm

    I am motherfucking tired of these motherfucking Nannies in my motherfucking country! I'm opening the door.

  18. Josh  •  Jun 15, 2012 @2:30 pm

    As a displaced New Englander, I have only this to say:

    God-fuckin'-dammit, Middleborough is wicked fuckin' retarded.

  19. Xenocles  •  Jun 15, 2012 @5:33 pm

    As an ex-Masshole, well done.

  20. Michael Andrew Baldelli  •  Jun 16, 2012 @1:27 pm

    @Derrick Uncouth? Since when have New Englanders ever been couth?! /sarcasm