How Ken Bought the City of Middleborough a New Police Car
MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA – The residents of Middleborough have had enough of uncouth language such as the "f-word", "s-h-word", and "c-word". On Monday night, they took ACTION.
"I'm sick of all these fucking teenagers fucking swearing all the god damn fucking time," shouted Mitchell "Mitchie" Winthrop, spilling Bud Light all over his faded Patriots Jersey, "These fucking asshole kids need to learn some fucking RESPECT for their betters!"
And now they will, $20 at a time.
"I'm fucking telling you," shouted James "Jimmy Putnam, spilling Budweiser all over his Boston Red Sox Jersey, "Too many of these fucking little douche-fucks have mouths on them like fuckin' Jimmy fucking Rock or whoever that fucking black dude was. You know who I'm talking about. All eff-this and eff-that. WELL FUCK HIM RIGHT IN HIS BLACK ASS. Fucking idiot. You know what'll happen if he shows up here in Middleborough…"
At this point Mr. Putnam waved his beer in the reporter's face, "HE'S GOING TO FUCKING PAY TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS, THAT'S WHAT."
Mr Putnam, still drinking his beer, then went into his 1996 faded blue Toyota Corolla and peeled out of the Stop n' Shop parking lot, nearly hitting a Hispanic family and cutting off several cars.
"Why the fuck are you talking to me, asshole?" queried Rebecca "Becky" Coolidge, as she was coming out of a Package Store, "Can't I fucking buy some god damn fucking Tequila at 1 in the afternoon from the Packie in some fucking peace? Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ, you fucking media types. THIS IS A NICE TOWN GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. You want to quote me? FUCK THE YANKEES."
Most citizens were supportive.
"When I was in middle school, our school counselor wanted to fucking stop all the fucking swearing," said Robert "Bobby" Cabot, spilling beer all over his Drew Bledsoe Patriots Jersey, "He replaced 'fuck' with… get this… fucking 'FUDGE'. That year, everyone said Fudge. Fudge This. Fudge You. Shove it up your Fudging Ass. How about we go behind those dumpsters and Fudge like we hate each other? MotherFudger. Get a load of those Fudging MILKERS on that Fudging hottie. I'd like to go back to that innocent time. It's certainly better than the fucking bullshit we have fucking going on now."
William "Billy" Kennedy was less supportive. "This used to be a great fucking town," he slurred, spilling Colt .45 all over his bare chest and the Bruins Tattoo covering it, "Used to be, you could fucking walk down the street and not worry about being fucking… ACCOSTED… by all the fucking swearing and that shitty fucking music blaring out of the fucking speakers. What is that shit anyway? It's all fucking bass and some idiot with no pants is talking about shoes? But I don't know if a fucking law is going to fucking fix it anyway. The Mayor probably needs to find a new fucking way to cover his fucking mistress's clothing bills or else she'll reveal his weird fetish or some shit. Which is bullshit of course, we all know Mickey likes feet. It's no big fucking deal, that's a totally fucking vanilla fetish at this fucking point. That fucking fat fuck Rex Ryan loves him some god damn feet. Fucking Ryan. FUCK THE JETS."
On a point of clarification, the "gangsta" use of the "n-word" was disallowed under this ordinance. The racial slur however, was still okay to use.
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