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A Brief And Somewhat Annoyed Addendum Regarding Cold-Calling Lawyers

Jun 13, 2012
By .
Law Practice

Dear potential clients cold-calling me:

I thought that I had made this fairly clear when I gave some pointers for cold-calling a lawyer.

But apparently I was too subtle on this point. So here we go:

With the exception of a very rare case in which I was an advocate, I am not personally responsible for the current state of the law. You can tell because my views about what the law should be — centered around personal responsibility, the rule of law, freedom of expression, freedom of worship, strictly limited government power, exacting oversight of police and military power — are increasingly viewed as nutty and marginal. I am not the law.

So, if you get agitated with me because you do not like the answers I am giving you about the current state of the law, please make an effort to separate me, the lawyer whose time you are consuming, from the legal system. Please meditate before your call, take some pills, have a drink, whatever you need to do. Because if you start yelling at me because you blew the statute of limitations on your case, as if it's my fault that you're lazy or my fault how short the statute of limitations is, I will hang up on you. Not only that, I will slam down the receiver so hard that your great-grandchildren will have foreshortened ears and an inattentive expression in their graduation photos. Because I do not have to put up with that shit.

Thank you.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

18 Comments
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18 Comments

  1. A leap at the wheel  •  Jun 13, 2012 @9:57 am

    What I get from this is you want people to mix pills and booze before calling you. Check.

  2. Scott Jacobs  •  Jun 13, 2012 @9:59 am

    WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS?????

  3. darius404  •  Jun 13, 2012 @10:10 am

    You might want to add this addendum to the original article, or add a link or something, just to be sure it's not missed by people reading the original post.

  4. Justin D. Jacobson  •  Jun 13, 2012 @10:20 am

    Heh. We have a saying in our office–I specialize in debt collection: The practice would be so much easier without the judges, the debtors, or the clients. (The order generally depends on who is pissing us off at that particular moment.)

  5. Peter H  •  Jun 13, 2012 @11:36 am

    Client: "I thought it was free to get a patent."

    Me: "No, we charge between $alot and $evenmore to prepare the application, and the government charges around $some. And there's no guarantee they'll say yes."

    Client: "But when my uncle patented his book that only cost him like $50."

    Me: "That was a copyright."

    Client: "What if I give you 5% of my idea, then will you do it for free?"

    Me: "No, we don't do contingency. We don't want to be business partners with you."

    Client: "Don't you care about [the children, the elderly, the baby seals] who will be helped by my invention?"

    Me: "If you want to help them you can put it on the market without a patent. All the patent does is let you profit off the idea."

    Client: "So what's the cheapest way I can get a patent?"

    Me: "Represent yourself. If you want to read up on how, there's a copy of the MPEP on our website. It's about 2000 pages long."

    Client: "That sounds hard."

    Me: "It is, which is why people pay us to do it for them."

  6. Damon  •  Jun 13, 2012 @11:46 am

    Ken, you should put most of this "instruction guide" on your company's phone system so potential clients can hear it. :)

  7. SPQR  •  Jun 13, 2012 @12:47 pm

    So, Ken, she called you before or after calling me ?

  8. Dan  •  Jun 13, 2012 @1:14 pm

    @Peter: I get this one every so often, including just this week. "Hi, I filed my own (unbelievably half-assed) provisional patent application ~360 days ago. I have [negligible funds] to spend."

    Lots of people try to get me to write their patent for free. The key phrase that tips me off is something like… "I'm looking for the right legal partner to work with me me blah blah blah."

    No thanks to both. It's amazing how shocked cold callers are when I say that I am selective in who I represent and they don't make the grade.

  9. Carbon Fibber  •  Jun 13, 2012 @2:00 pm

    Your post made me realize how much I miss the act of slamming down a phone receiver. Having operated as a sole proprietor for 6 years using a cordless phone or cell phone, I really miss the days when you could smash a headset into the cradle.

  10. Peter H  •  Jun 13, 2012 @2:18 pm

    Usually those provisional callers begin with "I filed my provisional ~360 days ago, how do I extend it?"*

    As far as the ones who try to get me to write the patent for free, we make it a policy that we do not want to hear the details of the invention til you've paid us (usually for a search). If you're nice to work with and have a reason you don't want a search, we'll do a no-cost quote on application prep or prosecution, but if the first words out of your mouth with me are "I want to do it for free," then I'm not gonna bother quoting it. Generally I'll give them a ballpark on the quote and see if they still want it. Some do, some don't. Very rarely does someone like our quote for prosecuting their screwed up pro-se case, which is why they were pro-se to begin with.

    *For all the non patent professionals, you don't. If you call a patent attorney/agent with 5 days left on your provisional, you're basically screwed. MAYBE we'd do it for an insanely high fee, but I wouldn't want to.

  11. Exodor  •  Jun 13, 2012 @3:50 pm

    "Having operated as a sole proprietor for 6 years using a cordless phone or cell phone, I really miss the days when you could smash a headset into the cradle."

    You could try pressing the "End Call" button REALLY HARD but it's probably not the same.

  12. Peter H  •  Jun 13, 2012 @5:28 pm

    If we ever open a second office, I am establishing a hotline between the two. The hotline will use these:

    http://www.redhotphones.com/inbybareddep.html

    This is not negotiable with any other members of the firm. It is an ironclad requirement.

  13. Bill H  •  Jun 13, 2012 @6:05 pm

    You could try pressing the "End Call" button REALLY HARD but it's probably not the same.

    Smashing your 800.00 smartphone into the desk isn't recommended, either.

  14. gclason  •  Jun 14, 2012 @4:30 am

    So, I'm getting the idea you aren't responsible for the law? Is that what you're saying?

  15. PiperTom  •  Jun 14, 2012 @7:12 am

    I'm usually pretty much in agreement with Ken, but today I'm having trouble with his adverb:

    "increasingly viewed as nutty and marginal"

    This refers to a list:
    personal responsibility,
    the rule of law,
    freedom of expression,
    freedom of worship,
    strictly limited government power,
    exacting oversight of police and military power

    Excepting the heady days surrounding the U.S. revolution, when and where were these ideas ever popular or officially favored? I'm an optimist, not a historian, but I think these ideas are gaining popularity and recognition, be it ever so slowly. And it is largely thanks to people like Ken, who keep hammering on them.

  16. Roscoe  •  Jun 14, 2012 @4:27 pm

    Ken – While you are sending out these little public service notes, maybe you can do something on what clients should and shouldn't do when they send their documents to their attorneys. Things like:

    1. Don't put each individual sheet into its own plastic folder;

    2. Don't use highlighter on the parts of the documents you really want your lawyer to focus on, as these will be the parts he won't be able to read after the documents are scanned;

    3. Don't write little notes to your lawyer (stuff like "This is a lie!!!") in the margins of critical documents.

    I am sure you can go on from there.

  17. Joe  •  Jun 14, 2012 @6:57 pm

    I’m in technology sales and some of the best executive meetings and sales calls I’ve led have lasted no more than 15 minutes. I always keep in mind that every minute of their time I consume costs them thousands of dollars so I have to make sure I use their time wisely. Some of the best advice I ever got when dealing with executives, or others whose time is valuable is, (1) be brief, (2) be relevant (3) be gone. It has served me well in my profession. Now if I could just get everyone else to do the same thing when dealing with me – – - – - – -

  18. SPQR  •  Jun 14, 2012 @8:02 pm

    My modest contribution would be:

    – Don't answer my question with "You don't need to know that …"