Like Spam For Ponies
6:17 PM (12 hours ago)
My name is Anna and I really enjoy your website. Do you accept any paid posts and if so what are your guidelines on popehat.com.
Thanks for your time,
Ken At Popehat
7:35 PM (11 hours ago)
Thank you, I am glad you enjoy our website.
We have not previously accepted paid posts, and therefore have not had an opportunity to promulgate guidelines on that particular topic. Our guideline promulgation process is arcane, time-consuming, and to the judgmental uninformed observer might be taken as obscene and illegal in certain jurisdictions. Last time we promulgated guidelines, Ezra disappeared and was never heard from again, Patrick was institutionalized for three weeks, and David was not able to recover his equanimity until he had written a seven thousand word post on the history of artistic portrayals of dogs playing poker. He promised he would eventually post a follow-up treatment of the subset of paintings where the dogs are playing Texas Hold'em, but it's been three years and I'm starting to think he's a fucking liar.
Anyway, the only way we can do this thing, this thing here, is if I short-circuit the guidelines promulgation process and make an executive decision. And so I shall. Here it is:
1. We will accept a paid post from you.
2. The payment shall be in the form of a pony.
3. The prettiness and awesomeness of the pony shall be in direct proportion to the tediousness, banality, and sub-literacy of your guest post. If your post is quite good, you can pay us with any pony, even the sort of tired, dead-eyed pony you can steal from a child's party in a suburb where the home foreclosure rate exceeds 50%. But for each cliche, null-content sentence, questionable segue, or instance of meaningless drivel appearing in the post, the pony must grow steadily more pretty, to the theoretical point where the pony is so pretty that it causes a quantum pony-cuteness singularity. For each spelling or grammatical error in your post, the pony must be one step more awesome, in the sense of "terrifying." If you ever use an apostrophe before an "s" in a word that is plural, not possessive, the pony must possess the ability to breathe fire a minimum distance of twenty (20) feet.
4. The pony must be real, not pretend.
5. No Shetlands. Are you kidding me?
6. Also, hay. For the pony. And, frankly, it wouldn't hurt us to lay some down for Clark.
I trust these terms will be agreeable.
Very truly yours,
She hasn't responded. I'm not somebody who jumps to conclusions easily, but I'm beginning to think one of us isn't taking this negotiation seriously.
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