Felony Arrest!

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43 Responses

  1. Ken says:

    I emailed him the link to this post. That's how I roll.

  2. Ken says:

    Feculent wrote me back a furious and threatening email.

  3. t says:

    Expert witness directories do the same thing. Leave you a message or send you an email saying they have a case for you in your area. Which turns into "we know there are clients looking for experts just like you, and they will find you if you advertise with us!"

    Newsflash: Expert witness directories are for suckers. And the suckers are both the experts and the lawyers trying to find experts. Even worse are the "services" which match experts and attorneys and charge exorbitant rates for doing so.

    Google is your friend. Experts, do some things right, and you will be on the first page of your most prized keyword searches, just like me. Attorneys, if you can be bothered to spend about 30 minutes with Google, you can find the right expert without paying a service. (And here's a hint, attorneys… those services use GOOGLE to find their experts and pair them with you.)

  4. t says:

    P.S. The "do some things right" does not include paying a charlatan for "SEO services".

  5. n says:

    I like that, of all the things you (rightly) call him on, it's the accusation that he uses a mailbot to which he takes umbrage. This man is an ARTIST.

  6. Dan says:

    "Feculent wrote me back a furious and threatening email."

    I just snorted with laughter. Someone peeked in to see if I was having a choking fit. Please o please post the email.

  7. I for one, vote that you post said furious and threatening email, properly modified to hide Feculent's real information. Though, having seen an almost identical version of this email in my inbox on more than one occasion, i'm pretty sure I know at a minimum which company it is…

  8. Ken says:

    @n, that's not the only thing he took umbrage with. To summarize:

    1. He spends long hours crafting pitches by hand.

    2. I lied when I said my firm didn't do work in San Diego. (Of course, that's not what I said.)

    3. I lied when I said that his operation didn't have any cases in its San Diego database. (Of course, that's not what I said.

    4. His firm is AWESOME and they are highly regarded and have many happy attorneys and my criticisms are unfair and the FTC thinks what they do is fine.

    5. I am an unprofessional person.

    6. Their LEGAL DEPARTMENT will hear about this.

    Sounds like someone who is not familiar with our familiarity with California's anti-SLAPP statute.

  9. Ken says:

    @FailedNewbieLawyer: I could do that, but I won't, because the bulk of it is copied-and-pasted printouts of stuff designed to show that my firm does some work in San Diego (duh) or that he and his firm are AWESOME.

  10. Ken says:

    But let me get a read, here: do any of you think, for a moment, that the "Felony Arrest" title to the email is honest, as opposed to deceptive?

  11. Ken says:

    Okay, just a taste:

    As to your threat about writing defamatory comments about us on your blog, take note that any defamatory comments or other attempts to interfere with our business on your blog will be studied by our legal department. Given your palpable animus and recklessness as set forth in your missive as well as this warning and demonstration of the false nature of your baseless accusations, we can easily demonstrate malice. If you don't think that they know how to litigate, try us.

    Uh-huh.

    I've invited him to write back and specify any incorrect statements of FACT in my post, as opposed to opinions.

    Apparently their theory would be "someone wrote a mean post about an unnamed marketing company which harmed us, so we're going to sue and draw the anti-SLAPP motion and have our actual name and unsavory solicitation practices widely reported on every legal, marketing, and First Amendment blog on the internet."

  12. No!!! Designed to un-nerve.

  13. eddie says:

    I was so hoping this was going to be about David Bell.

  14. David says:

    any defamatory comments or other attempts to interfere with our business on your blog will be studied by our legal department

    See? He wants you to school him.

  15. My favorite part, by far: "[A]ny defamatory comments or other attempts to interfere with our business on your blog will be studied by our legal department. "

    Studied?! I suppose then, that the only reasonable assumption one could make is that their law department consists of 2Ls at some third-tier toilet law school. Maybe they'll get this fact pattern on their final exam?

    Also, lawls. How exactly does one defame a pseudonymous email message? I mean, it'd be one thing if you posted the guy's real name. But as far as any reasonable person is concerned, all you're defaming in this instance is Mr. Pus-Crust, and I'm sure he's libel-proof.

  16. Jim Hall says:

    Interesting.

    I am a consulting engineer. I occasionally get calls from firms who think I should peddle expert witness services through their network. Of course they have no real idea what my qualifications or abilities are.

    I'm sure whenever you need an expert witness, you go right to one of these organizations. I am missing a big payday.

  17. n says:

    @Ken I agree the subject line is probably a CAN-SPAM violation. Unless he actually has a database of people who have been arrested on felonies and are sitting around in a cell/interrogation room waiting for him to hook them up with lawyers, in which case he is surely running afoul of your state bar's regulations governing lawyer referral services.

  18. n says:

    On second thought, it's surely a CAN-SPAM violation in that case, too.

  19. Ken says:

    @n, even if he does have a database of people accused of felonies — and his email claims that he does — it wouldn't make the email subject line honest as opposed to deceptive. The subject of the email is not any particular felony arrest, nor even felony arrests in general; the subject of the email is a solicitation to enter into a relationship with his firm.

  20. Well maybe it's a hot new bit of patois in his part of town. "Wussup" is out, now the greeting is "Felony Arrest!"

  21. Windypundit says:

    From now on, all my email to you will have the subject "Felony Arrest."

  22. Meghan says:

    What in the world does he mean in his first letter, about "protected territory"? It makes it sound like he has franchise rights to these felons and you can't work for them unless you go through him? I'm not any kind of a lawyer, but – do lawyers fall for this sort of thing?

  23. Jeff says:

    I'm fairly certain you're misreading his subject line as it seems rather obvious it's an anagram. Can't decide if he's commenting on your appearance (Snorty Ear Elf) or how ferocious you've become as of late (Snort Feral Ye).

    This is one spammer who loves him some Popehat!

  24. Scott Jacobs says:

    From a layman's perspective, I would certainly consider the e-mail's subject line to be in violation CAN-SPAM.

    What would annoy me more is the inability to opt-out.

    I'd find out how they came upon your e-mail address, and if it turns out that it was given by someone else using their service, I would find that person and beat the unholy monkeyfuck out of them.

    But I am giggling about

    Given your palpable animus and recklessness as set forth in your missive as well as this warning and demonstration of the false nature of your baseless accusations, we can easily demonstrate malice. If you don't think that they know how to litigate, try us.

    God DAMNIT but do I ever want to seem them try to show you how to litigate.

    The end result would be high comedy.

  25. VPJ says:

    Can't decide if he's commenting on … how ferocious you've become as of late (Snort Feral Ye).

    Ooooo…I like it! Nice work.

    @n, that's not the only thing he took umbrage with. To summarize:

    1. He spends long hours crafting pitches by hand.

    and…

    "…Given your palpable animus and recklessness as set forth in your missive as well as this warning and demonstration of the false nature of your baseless accusations…"

    If he spent long seconds, or even minutes, researching his pitch to you, you would have seen the spammers/legal marketing/asshats tags (often on the same post), no? Least, I would think so.

  26. Will says:

    Who else read the title of the post and thought David Bell was arrested? I must say I'm a bit dissapointed.

  27. Tam says:

    You'd best conduct yourself accordingly.

  28. Douglas Muth says:

    Isn't any lawyer who would respond to such a pitch inherently unsuitable to represent any criminal defendant?

    Bets on if Joseph Rakofsky made use of this company?

  29. Scott Jacobs says:

    Govern. You meant to say GOVERN.

  30. Dustin says:

    Wow, I didn't mean to link my entire comment. Sorry.

  31. Ken says:

    Dustin: Ocean Marketing? Never heard of them.

  32. dougfromnowhere says:

    who in heck uses the phrase "hand crafted" outside of beer making?

  33. Jack B. says:

    They really need to send one of these emails (along with a threatening followup) to Marc Randazza. Doesn't he live in San Diego?

  34. Ken says:

    Randazza is in Vegas. But I'm sure he'd have my back on this if I asked.

  35. Scott Jacobs says:

    He'd have your back, and their ass…

  36. John says:

    It seems to me that these referal companies now automatically take the hardline and threatening approach whenever they are called out or questioned. A more reasonable response would be "Very sorry, hope we did not offend, but we are legitimate" etc etc "please feel free to call us" but they now all seem to take the slam down approach when responding.

  37. Dustin says:

    "Dustin: Ocean Marketing? Never heard of them."

    LOL. Sorry. Serves me right.

  38. slambie says:

    "lodged, like a partially absorbed suppository…"

    I am so using that in an office conversation at the earliest opportunity. Should be any minute now given the number of asshats wandering about this afternoon.

    Good stuff as always!

  39. Shrimp says:

    "It seems to me that these referral companies now automatically take the hardline and threatening approach whenever they are called out or questioned."

    Doubling down on the stoopid seems to be the standard, especially when one has no leg upon which to stand.

  40. GDad says:

    Ken,

    I've been so outrage-fatigued about unsolicited commercial phone calls and texts that I totally forgot about CAN-SPAM. Thanks for the pleasant reminder that there is good in the world.

    Oh, and Rachel from Cardholder Services says, "Hi!"

  41. Seerak says:

    Looks like Paul Cristoforo found his next gig.

  42. Ryan says:

    @ slambie ""lodged, like a partially absorbed suppository…"

    I am so using that in an office conversation at the earliest opportunity."

    Sure that wouldn't be an orifice conversation?