Department of Homeland Security Threat Level Raised To DELICIOUS
You may think that your tax dollars earmarked for Homeland Security should not be spent on snow-cone machines.
But that's because, with all respect, you just don't understand what's good for America, like public employees do.
Public employees understand that snow cone machines, like tasers and domestic Armored Personnel Carriers and rubber gloves for polyester-clad TSA agents to grope your grandmother, are essential to the security of our homeland. Just ask government officials in Michigan:
The Michigan Homeland Security Grant Program’s Allowable Cost Justification document, dated May 9, 2011, says the snow cone machines can make ice to prevent heat-related illnesses during emergencies, treat injuries and provide snow cones as an outreach at promotional events.
Yep. In skillet-hot cities during August, emergency rooms everywhere bring in the snow cone machines to combat heatstroke and treat third-degree burns. And God knows that this is exactly the sort of public relations tool the government wants at its disposal after it has fondled your breast prosthesis or burst your urostomy bag: "Well, sorry about that. So — raspberry or orange?" That's why the government needs the leeway to buy snow-cone machines for national security reasons, and to pay 2.5 times the market rate for them. You can't just buy snow-cone machines off the rack; there are lives at stake.
In fact, I daresay that almost any purchase by government officials can be justified as promoting Homeland Security. Come on, Popehat readers — give me some creative examples in the comments.
Last 5 posts by Ken White
- Colorado ISP Peak Internet Sues Customer For Bad Online Reviews [Updated With Popehat Signal, Resolution]] - July 30th, 2014
- Jury Finds Jesse Ventura's Reputation Susceptible To Harm - July 29th, 2014
- Does "Public Figure" Mean "Brown Person Arbitrarily Noticed By Glenn Beck"? - July 28th, 2014
- Sorry, Melissa - July 20th, 2014
- "Crisis Manager" Xavier Hermosillo Shrewdly Defuses Immigration Tumult By Threatening Cartoonist - July 16th, 2014