Department of Homeland Security Threat Level Raised To DELICIOUS

Dec 6, 2011

By Ken White.

You may think that your tax dollars earmarked for Homeland Security should not be spent on snow-cone machines.

But that's because, with all respect, you just don't understand what's good for America, like public employees do.

Public employees understand that snow cone machines, like tasers and domestic Armored Personnel Carriers and rubber gloves for polyester-clad TSA agents to grope your grandmother, are essential to the security of our homeland. Just ask government officials in Michigan:

The Michigan Homeland Security Grant Program’s Allowable Cost Justification document, dated May 9, 2011, says the snow cone machines can make ice to prevent heat-related illnesses during emergencies, treat injuries and provide snow cones as an outreach at promotional events.

Yep. In skillet-hot cities during August, emergency rooms everywhere bring in the snow cone machines to combat heatstroke and treat third-degree burns. And God knows that this is exactly the sort of public relations tool the government wants at its disposal after it has fondled your breast prosthesis or burst your urostomy bag: "Well, sorry about that. So — raspberry or orange?" That's why the government needs the leeway to buy snow-cone machines for national security reasons, and to pay 2.5 times the market rate for them. You can't just buy snow-cone machines off the rack; there are lives at stake.

In fact, I daresay that almost any purchase by government officials can be justified as promoting Homeland Security. Come on, Popehat readers — give me some creative examples in the comments.

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25 Comments

23 Comments

Scott Jacobs • Dec 6, 2011 @4:05 pm

Well, obviously, penis-pumps…
Wilhelm Arcturus • Dec 6, 2011 @4:23 pm

You know what, they can have their freakin' snow-cone machine as long as they promise to share the next time I am stuck in Atlanta airport in August. It would put them a step ahead of Delta on the list of "who has ever lifted a finger to help me."

In the mean time, I really think that karaoke would really lighten up the mood in the line to the TSA check point. If you're going to grope me, at least sing me a love song.
Jim Kimmons • Dec 6, 2011 @5:11 pm

GameBoys as loaners when you miss your flight serving as a "feel-me-up" doll.
C. S. P. Schofield • Dec 6, 2011 @5:22 pm

Wilhelm,

Is that anything like; "I always like to be kissed when I'm getting screwed."?
VPJ • Dec 6, 2011 @8:02 pm

Well, the TSA *obviously* needs a snow cone maker. If you've ever seen that fine documentary film True Lies, ex-Soviet SS-20 nuclear warheads look very similar to snow cone makers. The TSA needs to have a visual aid so that they can train their crack agents to tell the difference between a nuclear weapon and a fun-filled treat-creating machine.
Panzesage • Dec 6, 2011 @9:05 pm

Expenses the TSA needs:

1: Lambskin safety gloves, for those being groped and fondled who have a latex allergy

2: Lubricated and ribbed gloves: For your pleasure

3: Sex Dolls: For anatomically correct grope training

4: Mood lighting: To get you in the mood for what is to come.

5: Celebrity Masks: So you can pretend that cold glove belongs to Bradd Pitt or Angelina Jolie instead of the agent.

I'll post more when I have the chance.
Pakkinpoppa • Dec 7, 2011 @8:28 am

Maybe some life sized replicas of guns and knives so they will know the difference between, say, the one included with a GI Joe action figure, one on a necklace, or perhaps a logo on a purse.

Snow cone machines… now True Lies was a movie I haven't seen in a long time. Is an espresso maker.
Tam • Dec 7, 2011 @8:52 am

Double redundant, milspec, EMP-hardened, flat black, radar absorbent sno-cone machines are obviously going to be more expensive than the kinds used by simple civilians.
Tam • Dec 7, 2011 @9:26 am

"Expenses the TSA needs:
…
2: Lubricated and ribbed gloves: For your pleasure"

The selfish cads would just wear them inside-out.
Wilhelm Arcturus • Dec 7, 2011 @1:31 pm

C. S. P. Schofield,

I would certainly put them in the same overall school of thought.

My first instinct was a full service bar so they could buy me a drink before they groped me, but I couldn't imagine access to alcohol was going to influence checkpoint procedures in a way I necessarily want recorded by security cameras. You always regret that stuff later. Plus think what would happen when Mickey Rourke showed up?

No, snow-cones and karaoke set just the right tone for the whole process, amateur and childish.
ctrees • Dec 7, 2011 @1:33 pm

On the "any purchase could be justified," I would love to provide examples, but I'm on the wrong side of the line to be able to talk about that. Suffice it to say, anything the government wants to buy, people will fight to sell it to them.
Man Mountain Molehill • Dec 7, 2011 @5:21 pm

Snow cone machine; burst urine bag. Can you say "yellow snow"?
ShelbyC • Dec 7, 2011 @8:28 pm

c'mon little boy. I'll give you a snow cone if you'll let me touch your junk.
SPQR • Dec 7, 2011 @9:03 pm

And ShelbyC correctly translates the bureacratese for the win.
Skip Intro • Dec 8, 2011 @8:05 am

I really would have thought that if Popehat could support any TSA spending, they'd support TSA spending on delicious frozen treats.
VPJ • Dec 8, 2011 @9:57 am

I think they should look into buying a Taintsnorter.
Scott Jacobs • Dec 8, 2011 @10:12 am

Did Skip just call us fat?

I think he just called us fat…
Guy • Dec 8, 2011 @9:00 pm

I, for one, welcome our new shaved ice overlords.
Tam • Dec 9, 2011 @7:42 am

I have discovered that Northerners find it amusing if you say "shaved ice" in a Southern accent.
Guy • Dec 9, 2011 @7:31 pm

@ Tam — your comment resulted in me saying shaved ice in my southern accent about ten times until I figured out what the big deal was.
Tom • Dec 16, 2011 @12:17 am

I would suggest the TSA purchase:
http://store.baconsalt.com/baconlube_p_60.html
This would help the TSA to inspect those hard to reach places and has the double duty of placing an olfactory mark on potential trouble makers and terrorists that is difficult to miss. Of course the government shouldn't be happy to buy it at that low low price and must insist on paying $100 or more a bottle to ease the work of their inspectors.
Joe • Dec 19, 2011 @10:04 pm

I do not like these naked scans or TSA security scams. I do not like these stupid twits, or how they ogle my naughty bits. I do not like it when they steal, I do not like their kickback deals. I do not like big sis Jan, I do not like this 'YES WE CAN'. I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free. I do not like their smug replies, when I complain about their lies. I do not like this kind of grope. I do not like it. Nope, nope, nope!
Joe • Dec 19, 2011 @10:13 pm

Snow cone machines, porno scanners, you name it – anything the TSA does under the guise of "enhanced screening" isn't about political control, it's not about establishing a police state. The rationale for inserting these devices into our path is as American as apple pie, namely that of free enterprise with a small "f," as opposed to "Freedom" with a big "F." The outfits selling these machines are in a tight orbit around the local star radiating money– colloquially known as "the Feds"– soaking up revenue in the pursuit of profit. They'll continue doing that until they're squashed, either by legislation or bankruptcy.
If you're an air-traveler, you're part of a business plan, or rather you're actually part of many schemes for making money. Assuming you've got a problem with being naked in front of strangers, the solution to your dilemma lies in pitting one business plan against another. This means hitting the airlines where they hurt but not flying. And, voting out our congressional representatives who continue to make a mockery of the Constitution and our rights as American citizens.
Opps better be careful, my opinions might label me as a “domestic terrorist”. Next thing you know they’ll be hitting me over the head with NDAA and hauling me off to Gitmo.