Just As Well. I'm Pretty Sure I'm Allergic To Ponies Anyway.

Humor

Recently we've been getting more and more emails asking to advertise here on Popehat. Some of these offers strike me as somewhat suspicious. Usually I delete them. Tonight, inspired by the Bloggess, I decided to try engaging them in a mutually productive dialogue instead.

The following is a verbatim transcript of the emails.

Hello:
I'm Cindy.We’re intrested in your website, So I want to buy text links from you if you can provide this function,Now I want to know how to buy it and how about the price of the links.Where the link will be appear, only homepage or all pages?
Looking forward to working with you and waiting for your E-mail. Thanks!

Regards
Cindy!

Ken At Popehat to Cindy

We will sell text links. The price is ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS. Or a hundred bucks on Patrick's posts.

Cindy Li to me

Is this for sitewide link? How about $20 per month?

Cindy

Ken At Popehat to Cindy

$20 per day per link per post. And a pony. A pretty pony.

Cindy Li to me

Our link is only one word. So we don't need a post. Could you accept it ?

Cindy

Ken At Popehat to Cindy

Gosh, if it's only one word, how do you use it to advertise your product or service, or use it to convince people to click on your link? They must be very very convincing words. I write convincing words for a living, but even I have trouble convincing people with just one. I mean even "not guilty" is two. And "innocent" is usually problematical. You must be very skilled.

Is it, like, a word of power? Is it dangerous? Or occult? I go to church sometimes and I'm not comfortable with occult stuff.

If Beelzebub is involved, I think I'll need to raise our price, so I can afford to buy holy water.

And whats the deal with my pony?

Cindy Li to me

Our Link Text is “Dresses” and the URL is http://www.dressale.com/.
If you agree with me, pls post our link on first and give me your paypal account. We will pay it within 24 hours.

Cindy

Ken At Popehat to Cindy

Okay. If I do this — and I'm not saying that I will — where do I have to put the links? Do I have to work the word "dresses" into each of our posts? Because I foresee that as being very problematical. We're a very masculine site, Cindy, writing about extremely butch subject matters. I suppose we could cheat by burying "dresses" in a sentence, like "We believe you'll find this carefully machined AR-15 aDRESSES dangers ranging from a zombie horde to local code enforcement," but that might not meet your needs, and also I'm concerned about it in a feng shui sense.

Also I am extremely worried about your evasion vis a vis the pony issue.

P.S. Despite what you might have heard feng shui is extremely masculine.

Cindy Li to me

okay. Don't need it now. Thanks for your time.

CINDY

Ken At Popehat to Cindy

I have already purchased sugar lumps, carrots, and a bridle. Are you familiar with the term DETRIMENTAL RELIANCE? You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Cindy Li to me

What't your mean? If you can't sell the text link to us. pls don't reply me again.

Cindy

Ken At Popehat to Cindy

Dear Cindy,

Does your last email suggest that you have come to the realization that unwelcome emails are annoying?

I'm glad we could take this voyage of self-discovery together.

Must fly — am taking delivery of llamas in exchange for Twitter promotion of online phamaceuticals.

I remain yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Last 5 posts by Ken White

17 Comments

15 Comments

  1. Jenny, Bloggess  •  Oct 8, 2011 @11:23 pm

    I adore you. And your pony. When does it arrive?

  2. Scott Jacobs  •  Oct 8, 2011 @11:37 pm

    The grammar gets pretty bad…

    Are we sure they weren't from BrandLink?

  3. lodermulch  •  Oct 9, 2011 @3:04 am

    karmically, that was VERY inspirational (or expressed in net: i lol'd.)

  4. perlhaqr  •  Oct 9, 2011 @5:53 am

    I had a similar idea to respond to the people who emailed the security team looking to buy a link on the very front page at http://www.unm.edu–that is, to offer to sell them one for a million dollars. I'm pretty sure I could have actually gotten the Board of Regents to go for that.

    But I didn't go through with it. And you did. And that's why you're the man, and I'm, uh, not.

  5. Mendel  •  Oct 9, 2011 @5:58 am

    I hope Cindy doesn't have too difficult a time finding a good psychologist or psychiatrist to work through the trauma you induced.

  6. Aenigma  •  Oct 9, 2011 @7:36 am

    Awesome. Reminds me of a Monty Python skit.

  7. Biene  •  Oct 9, 2011 @10:31 am

    You have made my day. I found out I'm not the slowest person on the planet, after all. :)

  8. eddie  •  Oct 9, 2011 @11:09 am

    This is the reason that everyone in third-world countries learns English – at least, those that aren't so third as to not have Internet connections.

  9. Bob  •  Oct 9, 2011 @12:59 pm

    What color is the pony?

  10. Jesse  •  Oct 9, 2011 @3:07 pm

    "I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up."

  11. Doug  •  Oct 9, 2011 @8:31 pm

    can we come and feed and ride the pony?

  12. Rliyen  •  Oct 10, 2011 @11:17 am

    I got to the "… And a pony. A pretty pony." part and I fell out of my chair, laughing. Bossman came in and told me to keep it down… Thank you, Ken, for the brightening of my day.

  13. Gideon  •  Oct 10, 2011 @1:26 pm

    Very informative post. I will bookmark for future reference.

  14. G Thompson  •  Oct 11, 2011 @12:08 am

    If you feed your llama's the phamaceuticals, will they turn into ponies?

    Or will the Ponies turn into Unicorns if fed Male enhancement blue pills to make em horny!

  15. Michzzle  •  Oct 27, 2011 @10:23 pm

    I came for the scam busting and stayed for the amusing repartee with ESL Internet douches. Keep up the great work!

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