[Barrens General] Obama: Formin Raid 2 Kill GWB, Leave In 13 Months. No n00bs! Checkin Gearscore!

Gaming, Geekery, Politics & Current Events

As Derrick has shown, the Tea Party movement has upset the Republican Party establishment, ruthlessly Zerging their way through the 2010 primaries and elections into 2011.  Whether the Tea Party's Zerg tactics have the stuff to match [DEM] in the 2012 Diamond League remains to be seen.

On paper, [DEM] would seem to have all the advantages: an energized clan base coming out of the 2008 general election, no primary opponents, and a wizard clan leader [OBM] who demonstrated his micro to flawless effect, easily defeating [HIL] and [MCN] to top the ladder.

But how have [OBM] and [DEM] spent the past three years since revolutionizing the way politics is played?  Have they neglected the essentials in favor of booming toward the end game?  That may well be.

Ask any veteran Starcraft player and he'll tell you that it's a different game at the top of the ladder.  You have to know not just the common strategies, but to be prepared, in advance, to adjust to patches and changes in game balance.  And in order to react, you need to have the funadmentals memorized to the point where they're second nature.  This means balancing offense with defense where required.  And defense means towers at the base perimeter, else how are you going to survive that newbie Zerg rush as you boom to battlecruisers?

A solid Terran bunker defense

Before [OBM] came along, the [DEM] clan had been hurting.  They'd lost track of the fundamentals, which had been drummed into their heads by former clan leader [BIL], in favor of easily countered stunt attacks like those favored by ANSWER and Code Pink, or been distracted by what they should have seen were feints, like the time in 2004 when Swiftboat microed [DEM] into wasting the entire midgame chasing one Protoss Zealot half-way around the map.  By endgame Cheney had built a wave of High Templars, and it was no contest.

While [BIL] could be erratic in the endgame, his mastery of fundamentals, and of defense, enabled him to survive everything [GOP] threw at him.  Defense, in politics, means a strong economy.  So how is [OBM] set for 2012, compared to where [BIL] sat in 1996, the last time the [DEM] clan defended a Diamond League level tournament?

Not too pretty.

Where [BIL] enjoyed a sound economy, with a balanced budget and unemployment at or below 5%, in other words, a strong base ringed with towers and lots of resources gatherers at the close of the early game, [OBM] has squandered a good start in an attempt to boom straight to battlecruisers.  He passed an extravagant health care law that the country can't afford while already engaged in two wars.  He pushed for a stimulus plan that was wildly unpopular, hoping that it would allow him to jumpstart his tech. He's left his base wide open and undefended, and utterly neglected his economy.  Where [BIL] could afford to stunt around with Lewinsky in the endgame of a second term, [OBM] will be lucky to have an unemployment rate below 9% in 2012.

With no economy and no defenses, [DEM] is in serious trouble.  A fleet of six battlecruisers can annihilate a ground attack of twelve ultralisks, but they can't kill zerglings any faster due to slow rate of fire.  And [GOP], amateur as they are, will be sweeping through the [DEM] base with dozens of zerglings.

Why has this happened?  It's a dirty little secret that  [OBM], who demonstated pro-level micro and mastery of the fundamentals when we were all playing original Starcraft, didn't get around to buying Starcraft 2 until September 2011.

He's been fucking around with World of Warcraft instead.  And he's an awful WoW player.

Naturally, as a member of a minority group, Obama gravitated to Horde. No pussy night elves or shit-eating gnomes, thank you very much.  He started strong too, leading a raid into Stormwind on a pvp server that killed the human king in 2008. This happened hours before Wrath came out, when the city was packed with veteran level 70 Alliance players trying to form or rejoin guilds or auction off herbs before the rush on Northrend.  He got a lot of recognition for it too, because the raid ganked so many old-timers who'd griefed Horde n00bs in the past, like John Kerry and Al Gore. He even earned a title for killing George W. Bush in record time.

But he hasn't moved his game past that. While the raids these days are focusing on new content in Cataclysm, Obama is STILL hanging around in Orgrimmar, typing "/strtin raid 2 kill gwb – no n00bs!!! – checkin gearscore!" every thirty seconds, and getting no replies.  The Horde has killed GWB hundreds of times since 2008.  They've moved on to new content.

Maybe the most pathetic thing about Obama is that as he doesn't realize the reason he gets so few replies in Orgrimmar is that lots of Horde have dropped out of the game. He's convinced the reason is that he's schooled the n00bs, like Kosguild, into silence, and Horde who aren't srsly hardcore, like the Bluedogs of Thunder Bluff, onto carebear servers.

In fact, they've given up on WoW entirely, in no small part because they can't enjoy the game with Obama shouting LOLNOOB! any time anyone says anything in /general, /pvp or even /trade. They won't be playing mmos at all until the Diablo 3 beta ends, in November 2016.

Can Obama be bothered to stop bunny-hopping in the Orgrimmar auction house, and dust off what used to be ninja-level Starcraft skillz? [DEM] had better hope so, because they only have one other top-level player: [BIL] has retired and [HIL] has made it clear she's waiting for Diablo 3.

Last 5 posts by Patrick Non-White

18 Comments

18 Comments

  1. John Anderson  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:03 am

    Hilarious post, but I wonder if you need more than one hand to count the number of [War/Star]Craft fans who are also political animals.

  2. Jim Hall  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:13 am

    Well done. Much better.

    I played WoW to level 68 or so, and screwed around with Starcraft a tiny amount, just enough to understand the analogy. I kinda ran out of time and inclination.

  3. Chris Berez  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:19 am

    Awesome post, Patrick. Really funny and well done.

  4. Ken  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:26 am

    The Popehat promise:

    1. Half of our posts will be incomprehensible to 45% of you.

    2. The other half will be incomprehensible to the other 45%.

    3. 5% will get all of our posts.

    4. 5% will get none of our posts.

    That leaves out the few posts that absolutely nobody will get. But it's within the margin of error.

  5. Derrick  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:28 am

    OH IT'S ON NOW.

  6. C. S. P. Schofield  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:46 am

    Doubtless very clever, but it ignores that Obama appears to be playing some old Avalon Hill game that went obsolete in 1980.

  7. Derrick  •  Oct 5, 2011 @9:51 am

    For the record, those games are classics and therefore never obsolete.

  8. Kresh  •  Oct 5, 2011 @11:03 am

    Obama never played anything by Avalon Hill. Too many pieces and there's actual rules you have to follow.

    He might own a copy of Panzer Leader or Jumpin for street cred, but the dude still don't know what 3-1 combat odds actually means and why you'd want it. Read all those combat charts? Psssh. He's got his hacker buddies like Ayers (who furnished him with the bot hacks that led him and his Chinese buddies to success in WoW) tellin' him how things work.

    Dude's a scrub n00b and always will be. All he knows is how to six-pool or cannon rush. Game's different now. People rock infestors and will nydus your kiester in a moment if you let them. Dude can't handle M&M, the Destiny Cloud Fist build, or anything involving a grouping of more than 12 units. DT rush gets him every time.

    He's been in wood league since beta. He's not looking like he's leaving anytime soon.

    /nerd rant

  9. Jason  •  Oct 5, 2011 @12:11 pm

    That's cool-but why is that most of the [GOP] high level players don't want to play against Obama in 2012? Real question. I'm mystified why people like [CHR] and [MDN] aren't stepping up.

  10. SPQR  •  Oct 5, 2011 @12:19 pm

    Us real hardcore Avalon Hill players are all playing stuff from GMT Games like Vance Borries "Barbarrossa" series. There, Obama's "No Retreat" orders to his NKVD units haven't really improved his positional defenses.

  11. ElamBend  •  Oct 5, 2011 @1:05 pm

    @Jason
    I'm betting that part of it is that as bad a manager as Obama is (to me); his range of options in dealing with the economy were limited and will be the same for anyone who follows him (if he loses). I'm not saying there are things Obama should have done, but didn't, like take on the TBTF banks when everyone would have supported him; but the R's don't have any better ideas than the D's on what to do. Plus, some of the obvious problems that need to be addressed involved such politically radioactive actions that most in our gutless political class are afraid of it.

    Why take on the problem when you can transfer to the commercial side and make fat bank selling influence.

  12. Steve  •  Oct 5, 2011 @1:41 pm

    Count me in as a political animal and starcraft nerd. How big of a SC nerd? Your photo caption is incorrect: those are bunkers, not barracks.

  13. Patrick  •  Oct 5, 2011 @4:20 pm

    What on earth are you talking about Steve?

  14. Milano  •  Oct 5, 2011 @4:49 pm

    Chalk another one up as a political Starcraft animal. In fact I'll do you one better – I subscribed to GSL (Global Starcraft League) matches for a few months and watched professional level Korean matches in my spare time. As far as the game goes, I made it up to mid platinum league in season two but I haven't played in months. And my 2v2s were awful. Still, once I relearn exactly when to Overpool into Speedling/Baneling and transition to Mutalisks, and when to 14-hatch to support Roach/Hydra play (with Corruptor backup against massive air units), I'll be right back in the game.

  15. rmv  •  Oct 5, 2011 @8:20 pm

    Man, I love Popehat so much

  16. Rliyen  •  Oct 6, 2011 @9:36 am

    I <3 this post.

  17. Wayne Clemons  •  Oct 6, 2011 @1:10 pm

    Great post. Do not underestimate the number of /craft fans who are interested in politics and read lawyer blogs.

  18. SPQR  •  Oct 6, 2011 @6:31 pm

    No, please, do underestimate them. Please.