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Sep 28, 2011 
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Okay, I have to make a confession. I am an AWFUL prognosticator. Anyone who has played me in Fantasy Football can tell you that. I'm pretty good at analysis after the fact, but when it comes to predicting future events, I'm bloody-effing-terrible. Of course, there was one shining moment where I correctly predicted the result of the 2004 NBA finals game-by-game, but to be honest I was just trying to be funny since everyone and their mom was predicting the Lakers to win.
ANYWAY, that's my horrible excuse as to why I never followed up and wrote something about the Tea Party. Because frankly, I became terrified that I would be wrong. Or worse, not funny. Plus, I forgot my password and was too embarrassed to ask for it. In any case, I'm sure you're all confused. To the casual observer, the Tea Party is a loose conglomerate of similarly minded and mildly racist individuals who have HIT THE POLITICAL SCENE LIKE A TIDAL WAVE OF PATRIOTIC DOUCHEBAGGERY. But you're wrong! It's really… okay, you might be right there. But it's clear at this point that they are a very big factor, for obvious reasons. So the big question is… how does one counter them? We're not talking [DEM] people, that's for another article. For me, the more intriguing question is, "How does one get out of the Republican Primaries without coming off as a little unhinged?" IT'S AN ELEPHANT PARTY UP IN THIS.
Before we start, I'll disclose my biases. I'm an Obama voter, and I bought a sweet-ass hoodie from his campaign that I then re-sold for $2 profit; which I THEN used to buy a Dr. Pepper. I don't consider myself particularly liberal or a Democrat, but I vote Democrat pretty consistently, though there are many times where I'm not happy about it.
- The counter to most gimmick rushes are well known.
- If it is deployed, the player using it is good enough to readjust strategy.
As noted from my prior article, I hinted that I knew the magic formula to pushing back a 6-Pool. So does every Starcraft 2 player past the Silver Leagues. It's actually quite easy; simply "wall off" the entrance to your base with your buildings. Maybe put a bunker down if you're playing Terran. You'll be able to stall the rush long enough to kill it with your troops. But most importantly, and this is mentioned in previous articles, you need to BLOODY KNOW THE 6-POOL IS COMING.
This guy didn't scout, and now he's just an old dude who looks vaguely like a child molester on a mid-size blog.
Whenever you see that your opponent is Zerg, a good rule of thumb that you're going to get hit with a rush. So scout early; do you see a Spawning Pool being made? WALL THE FUCK UP. Does your campaign's "internet guy" notice a lot of agitation in the blogosphere? WALL THE FUCK UP. Get out there and pre-engage. Take the primary seriously, because they sure as hell are. I know that feeling in a match, to conserve resources for later. Well you can always conserve resources in the next match because you're about to lose the current one. I'd rather be fighting in the general election a little behind in econ than sitting at home watching the results while eating a big bowl of shame. And Corn Puffs.
It doesn't always have to be Zerglings.
I want to note that the ALL-IN rush strategy is only bullshit in that the player who utilizes it often doesn't know what the hell to do if the rush is repelled. A rush strategy is very effective in crippling enemy econ, but you still have to actually go into the base and wipe them out. We've seen a few players able to use this to great success, like [GOP]DeMINTYFRESH and the big dog, [GOP]PerryN0tKaty. On the other hand, we also see players like 1mNOT4Witch shit all over themselves when the match goes up against a superior opponent who knows how to minimize damage from a rush (as opposed to gg-ing too early and quitting). And I'm not using colorful language, I mean that literally; 1mNOT4Witch voided her bowels and horrifically soiled her computer chair during the match. Now I hear she posts screeds against jacking off in the comments section of some political blog. Whatever.
The Tea Party is like the Zerg is more ways than their bullshit rush strategy. No one really knows their motivation. They just kind of show up and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN (when they're not busy jacking off to Atlas Shrugged). And it's never good shit, like free handjobs and ice cream. In many ways, I love that. The old fuddy-duddies had no idea how to handle the kind of heat they were bringing, and we certainly need more of that level of civic engagement across all levels of governance. But these people also had zero issue with bringing this country to the brink of FINANCIAL ARMAGEDDON. The recent manufactured crisis was astounding to me. A single political party, under the influence of a faction THAT IT SHOULD HAVE HANDLED IN THE FIRST PLACE, decided to play chicken. As I see it, after the total shellacking [DEM] put on [GOP] in 2008, [GOP] wanted to bring that kind of "OMG IT'S A GOD DAMN MOVEMENT" heat that they sorely lacked (unless you count the thinly veiled racism that came around in October 07). But, to paraphrase a saying I like to use, "If you court the loudmouth racist reactionary constituency, then your constituents will be loudmouth racist reactionaries." I just don't see that as a sustainable strategy for winning a presidential election; you don't want the blazing- hot lazy eye of the general public looking at your crazies. Especially when those crazies don't shut the fuck up.
I always make fun of the [DEM] clan for being stupidly adverse to conflict. So it was grimly amusing to me that [GOP], when faced with their own jihad, capitulated. If you let the idiots be in charge, then you're going to have idiots in charge, idiots. I know, it's frustrating to get hit with a rush and lose in the first five minutes. It's embarrassing. When I first got Starcraft 2, I had a friend of mine constantly hit me with 6 and 8-Pool rushes until I could handle them (mostly). You know what would have been the pussy thing to do? Start playing as Zerg and 6-Pooling myself. The sad part, is that it works. Oh man it works. You can win a lot of matches that way. But you know what else? Eventually you're going to go up into the Gold League. The people there have been bullshit rushed countless times, survived, and are PISSED off about it. And what happens once your brilliant rush has been pushed back? How's your mid-end game? What's your general election strategy? Unit mix? When do you expand? What's the campaign message directed to the general populace? You won't have one because you've spent all this time and effort into a gimmick.
Starcraft, like Politics, is a game of adjustments. You're constantly making them. What's this guy making? I'll make the counter; oh shit now he's countering my counter! When are you going to expand? Where is your opponent going to expand? Are you going to stop him? Sometimes you can't play the way you planned, the way you want. Sometimes you gotta compromise.
Next: It's an FFA within the [GOP] clan! Who has sex with Reagan's corpse first?
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Zerging The Election
